Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH's use of porn

(107 Posts)
wisteriashoe Thu 02-Aug-12 16:55:10

Regular but NC for obvious reasons.

I have been married for 5 years. 2 preschool children.

I have to say I'd been OK with very vanilla porn and had even watched it with him. Sex life was normal - no terrible shocks in store, until I discovered websites he'd been looking at when I was pregnant with out first child.

Then last year he said he was 'addicted' and maybe should get help. I was just really angry as I felt he'd just dragged me into this sordid world. I took no part in it. We couldn't afford counselling or anything, and we just limped on. Now our sex life is pretty much dead.

I know he's still visiting these websites. I had a look yesterday whilst he was out. He does delete most of his browsing history. It's fucking disgusting. Look away if you're sensitive. It's 'anal fisting' <boak> Nothing like this has even been a suggestion he wants to do to me. That is the length and depth of the 'thing' that he's in to.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

I just don't know what to do. I can't really 'tell' him to stop - he has his own laptop/phone. Any strategies/suggestions most welcome. Thanks.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats Sat 04-Aug-12 11:24:42

Do you think he may be dabbling in those online camera rooms I believe that's the technical term where they watch the women touch themselves/have sex? Because as a recovering addict I stated he doesn't come across to me that way, I'm wondering if when he was supposed to be mowing the lawn he was having an emotional affair of sorts and being a 'porn addict' is the better option?

My other thought is like a previous poster said, perhaps he's always watched this filth, is actually just a lazy man-child and now wants a victim label?

Just thinking aloud, I hope today is a good day for you OP!

wisteriashoe Sat 04-Aug-12 19:27:34

Hi all

Yep - good day here.

I don't think there's anyone else/EA. We don't have a webcam. Oh I suppose there's his phone. I highly doubt it though. It'd take some covering tracks for that to work.

As someone said earlier it's always been about him and his issues. i don't think he is actually addicted. I think he's labelled himself as that for convenience.

Of course there are other issues though aside from the porn which I actually don't think are going to improve with time.

I'm actually starting to think the marriage might be over.

I'm going to see if he wants to see the kids tomorrow, and then talk on Monday night. (Might seem like weird timings, but there's work/childcare to work with).

MiniTheMinx Sat 04-Aug-12 20:59:59

Hi, glad you have had a better day today. I have to say you are being so practical and calm. I am inclined to think that whilst watching porn doesn't imply someone has a bad character I do think the type of stuff he has been watching shows just how messed up his head must be.

He is selfish to think that it's simply a case of saying sorry and trying to stop, even years from now you might still have the images imprinted on your psyche. It would be very difficult to build trust but also I should imagine to find respect and desire for someone who gets off on sex that humiliates or hurts women. I don't think anyone really wants to see into the psyche of another person and be made aware of their darker thoughts.

Will you be ok to keep the house, will you cope financially, you probably need to get him to agree a plan moving forward so you know how much support and money to expect from him. Do you have friends and family that can help with childcare while you work for a bit while you get sorted.

wisteriashoe Sat 04-Aug-12 21:14:09

Thanks Mini

I spoke to him on the phone. He has arranged to stay with friends for at least a week.

We did rationally discuss my thoughts. He's coming over to see the kids tomorrow. I'm going out. He does understand that he isn't coming back just yet.

We were trying to find a time to talk (Monday night is now off the agenda). We couldn't for one practical reason or another. How fucked up is that? We have no time within the next week to discuss our marriage without our children being awake?

TBH it has moved on from the porn being the main issue. It's becoming more like the straw that broke the camels' back.

We rent the house. Finances... Well it'd be difficult but I keep telling myself it'll be OK. I probably wouldn't stay here on my own. Friends/Family are OK to help out but only for so long IYKWIM. Ironically I can cover everything apart from 3 school drop offs! That would still include him having the kids on one working day per week (as he does now).

wisteriashoe Sat 04-Aug-12 21:48:44

I've just emailed relate to try and get an appointment. If we're going to split up, I have to be satisfied that every avenue has been explored don't I?

I have a friend who should be able to babysit, and we'll just have to find the money from somewhere like the credit card

MiniTheMinx Sun 05-Aug-12 15:46:35

I think relate can be good even if you ultimately spilt up because it's a safe and controlled place to talk and get things out into the open.

He should spend time with the children even if you split, so why not make his contact time, time that is convenient and useful to you, after all it will be you doing most of the work and he should support you, unless he has a mind to be difficult! I guess you won't know until you get there.

netmum1234 Sun 05-Jan-14 00:32:54

Have you ever considered that what he is doing maybe isn't wrong?

Perhaps the person that is is the wrong here is you for snooping on the poor guy and looking through his private internet history. If you never looked at that would there even be a problem?

Would you read his diary? Would you install a phone tap on his phone? Would you put a tracking device on his car? Where does the lack of respect for someone elses privacy end?

He never hurt anyone by looking at those sites on his own, in his own private time.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now