Porn and lies

[sickofporn]

I wonder if anyone can advise me on how to block porn from my home computers and husband's phone. DH has told me he is going to stop (again) but I want to make sure it can no longer be accessed in my home should he relapse. I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images. I have to protect my DCs and save my marriage :(

that ole gem ?

all men use porn

no, they don't...you've been fed a line yourself there

Ah yes, if a man lies about something it is not to protect his own ass but to preserve those around him. Of course!

You haven't seen the current squirting thread then, TSH ?

For the hundredth time this isn't about wanking.

It's about using porn, telling lies and expecting a woman to suck up the fact she's got a shit sex life as a result of it.

here

To clarify the scenario 5 years ago when I first discovered porn on my pc the sex situation was the same as it is now. We had been married and living together only 11 months and our sex life had dwindled and we only had sex at my initiation and I was more often rebuffed. I took it that his sex drive was lower than mine. He told me this was the case so I tried really hard to be happy with that.
When I discovered the porn and confronted him, he changed the story to that I had once refused him sex in the past few months. He argued that til he was blue in the face. He told me that he was just curious as the lads at work were talking about a free porn site so he joined up to have a look. I must admit I found it a bit odd that (mostly) partnered men would admit to one another that they were in fact a bunch of sad wankers.
My first reaction was to go into competition with the porn, and be more like the women he had been looking at. We were enjoying a lot of sex at my initiation every time until he told me that he did not want sex as often as me. He knew he had hurt me and promised that he would never look at porn again.
I believed him and have never checked up on him and I never will.
I was actually shocked by his admission on Tuesday night as I had only accused him of wanking to porn again because we were arguing about other selfish behaviour of his (a whole nuther thread) and I was feeling really sexually frustrated. This feels worse than the first time as I am thinking back to all the times during our marriage of the excuses why he wouldn't have sex with me and wondering how many lies I have been told. I just don't understand why :( How could he do this to me?

There are
(a) men who don't use porn and have regular sex with their partners; and
(b) men who DO use porn and have regular sex with their partners.

Likewise with men who don't have regular sex with their partners (c), (d).

I suggest there are very, very few men who actively prefer wanking off (with or without the use of porn) to having sex with their partners. While this may be true over very short periods (ie, the male necessity to "reload") this isn't a long term thing absent some extra reason, such as fatigue, health problems or discord.

I suggest that there are rather more men who use porn because they either aren't getting any sex or because they have a very unsatisfying sex life (caused by, perhaps, fatigue, health problems or marital discord).

I very much doubt that looking at Hustler Magazine stops men from having a sex life any more than Fifty Shades of Gray stops women from having a sex life. For the average man it is fantasy - just as erotic literature is - and not a simple replacement from the commonplace reality of sex with one's beloved.

I do very much believe that a man or woman who has an absolutely crap sex life will look for some sort of fulfilment somewhere else. For men that will, most commonly, be porn. Sorting out the sex life (for all we know the OP might have problems in bed that aren't her husband's fault) will stop the porn use unless we are dealing with man type (a).

"Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending.

Not seen one yet."

You won't see one, because a man who complained of such a faux male-fantasy would get no sympathy from other men, let alone women.

More obviously, why would you expect a man to complain on Mumsnet of all places?

Cogito gives the best advice of all: "It's not your responsibility to block porn. You are not your husband's conscience, his prison guard or his parent. The only person who can change your husband's behaviour is himself. If he has no intention of stopping with his habit, it is not your problem to resolve... it is his.

Place the responsibility very firmly on his shoulders, not yours. Set a severe consequence for failure and follow through."

Sorry, this is out of your control and you do not have a marriage. You are dealing with an addiction and you need to act accordingly. You are going to have to start thinking separation, sorry. Read Lundy Bancroft.

I'm having this same problem with my husband but like the majority of the people on here I would agree and say it isn't your job to block his Mobil computer etc as that would not mean he will stop watching it, in your eyes maybe buy then he will find other ways of watching it because when something has been taken off you you kind of want it more! I would personally not do that anyway I have told him exactly how I feel and the rest is down to him, if that's the kind of things his into it's the temptation of just clicking a few buttons now a days, what I'm trying to say is it's so easy to access and he needs know how you feel and trust himself not to watch it and also prove himself to you! I often think its probably my fault he watches it assume I'm not satisfying him enough but when you ask them anything about the topic I think they would rather not talk about it! Pricks! Lol

I think the point several people are trying to make here is that looking at porn and not wanting to have sex are two separate things, unlike what the OP has suggested.

If your bottom line is that you don't want him to look at porn, you might find out that he still doesn't want to have sex with you. This is something that you might have to 'suck up', in the sense that you have right to demand honesty from your partner, but not the right to demand sex. Or you might have to try and solve that problem, separately from the porn issue.

On the other hand, if what you want is to have a sex life with your husband, you need to talk to him about this and decide what you are both going to do. 'Not watching porn' could be an ultimatum, but 'having sex again' is something that you need to be on the same side for. Even if one person is at fault, doesn't mean it's that person's problem to fix alone.

Of course, you might consider both of these to be lines in the sand. That's fair enough. But they still are separate (if related) issues and don't have one single solution.

You have all given me a lot to think about. Maybe his excuses for not wanting sex with me were genuine, I'm sure they were many of the times. He told me last Wednesday he stop the porn. We are enjoying sex together again, we do not want to be without each other. I think he knows how much he hurt me when he admitted it on Tuesday night. And I don't want to be lied to anymore.
But I still want child filters to block porn from our home. My dh doesn't know this yet but I have been googling porn for the very first time and I am horrified the stuff that is available and at how easy it is for anyone to watch it. I'm considering asking my DH to install the child filter software at home to protect our dc, surely that is a reasonable thing to ask him to do?

20092012

Most people prefer not to talk about a thing when they know or suspect their comments aren't going to be taken seriously.

Toad I think you will find women take porn a lot more seriously than men. Women tend to consider the woman, her upbringing, the men's state of mind, control issues, power issues, safety issues, need issues and a whole lot more. Men just see body parts.

Got any source for that, ATouch?

www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/122
No 2.

That's not a source, that's an unsourced assertion by a website trying to sell filtering software. Do you have an actual source, from a journal/book/etc?

You don't think that the porn industry would have spent a bit of money finding out what women would like to see in porn?
Can you disprove the link?

1. When your argument ends up at "can you disprove it?", you're on shaky ground, and

2. your link doesn't say anything about the porn industry trying to find out what women liked in porn, just that there was a conference in 1998, which is true.

I know someone whose H was addicted to porn. The thing about porn is that it is very addictive, and it burns out the pleasure centre part of the brain. Also because it objectifies women he gets further and further 'away'.

He can no longer get erections, IN HIS THIRTIES. He stopped wanting proper sex (and even then it was all acting out stuff, not proper intimacy, she would have to get tied up etc) years before.

It was meeting that couple (who are now divorced), which opened my eyes to porn not being 'harmless' etc.

OP, put your foot down and instill serious consequences, like separation, him losing his family, him having to join an addiction group. Save your H with your own strength, seriously.

Thanks all. I need to have a good talk with him as this is a huge weight on me and I have not had a night's sleep for the 6th night now. I am going to ask for honesty but I am now terrified of what I will learn about him. I'm scared I won't believe him or trust him anymore. We are bonding physically now and that is a start :) but I remember we have been here before. There have been so many lies and I know I can't live with being treated like a fool for the rest of my life.

ATouchOfStuffing

By the same token, one could say "Women just see shoes and handbags" rather than the exploited and sweated labour that produce them.

But that, like your comment, would be rendered worthless by its gross oversimplification.