I don't feel the same way about him anymore!

[marvelousM]

I've only been with him just over a year, but its never really been good if I'm honest, I found him very controlling and domineering from the start, though I found him very attractive and there was a connection. He just was so used to being on his own living a batchelor life, he found it hard to be in a relationship, and there was many let down and dishonesty, he has an anger problem and shouts when he doesn't get his own way, he once threatened to throw me out of the car, post intimate pictures of me on fb, generally threatening ,so much so I once called the police. He has a short fuse and its just walking on egg shells most of the time. I don't live with him thank god, but its proving really difficult to get rid of him. I have finished it so many times at least 7 and everytime he wins me back and promises to change. I used to say I loved him but now actually I don't think I do, there's been so many threats, deception my love for him has gone but he won't take no for an answer.

I thought I would try stick things out for xmas, as we have joint xmas presents for the kids, plans made over xmas, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know why as I always thought of myself as a strong person, but he has chipped away at my confidence and made me feel I cannot cope on my own as I have no family around me so I have relied on him.

The other night he was wanting sex, I tried to put him off but he kept on about it so I went along with it, but although I used to enjoy sex with him for some reason, and I generally love sex , it was just an awful experience. It didn't feel special it was all about what he wanted oral sex for him, anal sex which I don't really enjoy it was painful, during the sex he pushed my head to give him oral sex again. He wanted me to do things I didn't want to he didn't make me but I just felt awful. I told him a little how I felt the next day, he sort of comforted me but said I analyse things too much and think too much. I felt he was telling me I shouldn't feel like that and trying to control how I should feel or am I being over dramatic! He did start shouting eventually as he said I didn't listen to him. Basically I've had enough but it is soooo hard to finish it and just thinking I will keep him at a distance as much as possible till after xmas, so not to ruin it too much. I really just need to talk to someone as I am dealing with this myself and hear other peoples opinions that maybe have been in a simular situation.

...a real Prince Among Men

police will remove him get a injuction order. you are doing the right thing men like this never change they always get worse. he broke promises to you before he will do it again. stay strong. i know its not easy i was in an abusive relationship myself i left it was no where near easy but it had to be done. phone womans aid talk to them i did they offerd to change my locks and put cctv up. i didnt want to go in a refudge but they kept my house safe. if he comes to you door dont even answer it he will try and win you over.

Writing out a list like that at this stage is a brilliant idea.

You are sounding so much stronger than only yesterday! Keep going.

what a nasty human being you have taken the steps it does get easier. the list is a good idea. i am so sorry you are going through this my heart goes out to you.

Oh and missed a few

When I was burgled and needed his support, he shouted got angry with me, because I din't know straight away what was taken as I should know were everything was.

And after a leak in my bathroom I had an asthma attack, he was an arsehole and spoke to me like a piece of shit ' have you taken the fucking inhaler or what' 'how come you suddenly had an asthma attack just cos you see damp' I ended up in tears then too, I just couldn't believe his lack of empathy, I couldn't breath infront of him. Of course he was all sorry the next day!!!!

Yuck, that list made my stomach turn. What a monster. HUGE well done for getting rid. Now just stay strong and don't let him back into your life.

You will have a very happy Christmas without this fuckwit around.

well done on finding the strength.... if you waver, just reread that list...

stay strong and you can and will do this and get through it.

dont hesitate to call the police if you feel in any danger

What kind of threats has he made when you've ended it in the past, marvelous ?

And he was like this in a YEAR??

Fucking hell, he's a complete cunt. PLEASE don't have him back, will you?

things such as he was going to end his life he couldn't function without me.
If I threatened to call the police he would do something to make it worth while me calling the police.
Posting embarrassing images of me on facebook.
He would make my life a misery.
I tried to leave his house once when he became confrontational he told me to sit down or he would make me.....and I bloody did grrrr!
Came round to my house smashed my door down stomping towards me till I was cowering in the corner, shouting in my face how selfish I was.
Wanted stuff back that he ever bought me, threatened to rip the tv he bought me off the wall, to find a necklace he bought that I lost and he was going to stand over me till I found it. That was the time I called the police while he was distracted! Then he was going councelling as he realised he had a problem he's still waiting!!!

Apparently though I'm over sensitive and over analyse things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know sweet, it has really helped to have it written down in black and white. It would of got worse wouldn't it? He would of hit me, or worse the kids or even kill me and then cry and say he didn't mean to and I'm over sensitive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, he would definitely have got worse. The Women's Aid website is very clear about that - and there are some really chilling statistics on there. I was looking for the one about how many times it takes a woman on average to try to leave the relationship before she finally gets away and stays away, but didn't find it - but I have in my mind it's something like 7 times, so you're exactly on the average so far! Make this the one that counts!

Please don't feel stupid or weak for letting him get away with it up till now. Many, many strong, intelligent, independent women have found themselves in the same situation. Sometimes they take a few months to realise what's going on and put a stop to it, others take over 30 years. If abusers weren't good at sucking their victims in, they'd have no-one to abuse because every woman they dated would walk out within 5 minutes and warn all her friends. They are extremely good at being charming, picking up clues about your personality and knowing exactly which buttons to press. They use not only your weaknesses but your strengths against you. If only they used these abilities for good, and were smart enough, they could be international statesmen instead of domestic pests.

Its amazing when I read that list I don't know why and how the hell I stayed with him for as long as I did, but yeh he can be sooo charming, persuasive, convincing, everyone who's not seen that side of him loves him, he'll do anything for anyone type person. My own dad said oh he seems a smashing guy, I get along well with him. Obviously he doesn't know anything, but well he sort of got the smashing bit right. It was actually a friend that introduced us as she couldn't understand why he was single 'he's such a gentleman she said' he was for about 2 weeks!

You got to this stage in just a year: you can be proud of yourself. You could be proud of yourself however long it took you. It takes strength to accept we are mired in an abusive situation, work against our conditioning, and take the steps to leave. Well done: you're in control of your own life now.

How are things this morning ?

Well he got a bit threatening this morning, wanting this that and the other back. I better find it etc etc. then I get a text saying lets go to relate.....what????? I did actually try going councelling with him a while back, but like everything else it didn't change anything for more than a day or two. Today I woke up a little scared of what the day will bring, what he might do, but also a sence of relief that I don't have to please him anymore. My dd is off school today with a tummy upset, but hopefully she will feel a little better later so I can sort ou this lock. I'm ok but nervous I guess !

stay strong, love

re. the couselling. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in the relationship (as you found out)

You sure picked yourself a twunt of the first water to get embroiled with.

Never mind, he's out of your life now and if he persists simply get the police on to him... a new law that has made stalking a criminal offence came into force yesterday and police authorities up and down the land are vying to be the first to test drive it

Seriously, don't provide this twunt with the oxygen of your attention. Ignore, ignore, ignore and call the police if he doesn't take the hint that he's flogging a dead horse.

yes izzy that is what I have to stay strong and do, thats what I haven't done before, he knows I've always given in so I HAVE to make this time different!

This time will be different because you're not going to give in, are you?

And other than text/tell him that if he persists you'll report him to the police for harassment, you won't be engaging with him, will you?

You can do this and, what's more, you can see him off forever with one hand tied behind your back.

Well done M, you sound much more resolved and clear.

The stat you were looking for is 6-8 times, Annie.

To reiterate: where dv is an issue couples counselling is not recommend and care should be taken when sourcing individual counselling as counsellors who don't understand the dynamics of dv may perceive victims as being co-dependent or depressed/hysterical.

It should also be noted that pepetrator intervention programmes such as those run by Respect and other agencies DO NOT have a high success rate.

When abusers seek/complete treament the danger is that victims may develop a false and entirely misplaced sense of security

The way only to ensure that you won't fall victim to this man again, marvelous, is to stop engaging with him and don't hestate to use the law to keep him away from your person, from your dc, and from your home.

From what you've said about him, it's probable that only the police will be able talk to him in a language he'll understand.

ok Izzy, I feel alot stronger this time, I know he won't give up thats the way he is, but I like the 'I'm not interested' phrase someone came up with here.

I really hope he does change, I don't mean for me, too much water under the bridge now for me to EVER trust or feel comfortable. But I think its sad to think these people will never change he's 45 now so the chances are he won't. He had a bad childhood, were he was beaten , his mother was beaten it sounded horrendous and its obviously effected him and he's repeating the behaviour he learnt. The only good thing is he has got no children of his own so at least they won't follow, so less abusers in the world. I just wish they could be cured, as I'm so nervous about ever getting into a relationship again, but I think what I have learnt is to trust my instincts!

Any luck with changing the lock?