I don't feel the same way about him anymore!

[marvelousM]

I've only been with him just over a year, but its never really been good if I'm honest, I found him very controlling and domineering from the start, though I found him very attractive and there was a connection. He just was so used to being on his own living a batchelor life, he found it hard to be in a relationship, and there was many let down and dishonesty, he has an anger problem and shouts when he doesn't get his own way, he once threatened to throw me out of the car, post intimate pictures of me on fb, generally threatening ,so much so I once called the police. He has a short fuse and its just walking on egg shells most of the time. I don't live with him thank god, but its proving really difficult to get rid of him. I have finished it so many times at least 7 and everytime he wins me back and promises to change. I used to say I loved him but now actually I don't think I do, there's been so many threats, deception my love for him has gone but he won't take no for an answer.

I thought I would try stick things out for xmas, as we have joint xmas presents for the kids, plans made over xmas, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know why as I always thought of myself as a strong person, but he has chipped away at my confidence and made me feel I cannot cope on my own as I have no family around me so I have relied on him.

The other night he was wanting sex, I tried to put him off but he kept on about it so I went along with it, but although I used to enjoy sex with him for some reason, and I generally love sex , it was just an awful experience. It didn't feel special it was all about what he wanted oral sex for him, anal sex which I don't really enjoy it was painful, during the sex he pushed my head to give him oral sex again. He wanted me to do things I didn't want to he didn't make me but I just felt awful. I told him a little how I felt the next day, he sort of comforted me but said I analyse things too much and think too much. I felt he was telling me I shouldn't feel like that and trying to control how I should feel or am I being over dramatic! He did start shouting eventually as he said I didn't listen to him. Basically I've had enough but it is soooo hard to finish it and just thinking I will keep him at a distance as much as possible till after xmas, so not to ruin it too much. I really just need to talk to someone as I am dealing with this myself and hear other peoples opinions that maybe have been in a simular situation.

Don't go away. People want to help. You need to do it now, you know you need to do it now, and people will offer advice to help you along the way.
Be strong.

Oh marvellous, I don't get why you think you have to endure any more of this just because of joint presents and plans. Xmas is just another day. Imagine if your dcs said they were putting up with this so as not to ruin Xmas. What would you say to them?

If you feel scared then that is even more reason to finish things and having "shared" Christmas won't change that.

You could text him right now and say it is finished. If he starts threatening you then you call the police. If you can't do either of those things then there isn't anything anybody on here can help you with.

I don't know maybe I'm making excuses not to deal with the aftermath and think it would be easier after xmas, but thats not the reality is it. Ok how do I tell him, go round, by text, by phone in a public place I don't know :-( it may seem simple but the simple things for some reason seem like a mountain

I guess thats true Justfabulous ok I will take that on board I can only help myself I guess

Think of it logically.

You are staying with a man who as near as dammit raped you so that your children can have a nice Christmas?

You have already had to call the police on this man. He has threatened to put intimate photos of you on Facebook? He performed sexual acts on you without your consent? He tells you that you think too much when you complain?

OP, you have no choice if you want to save your own life and your sanity. Please just get rid of him now. He's really awful and the last thing you need is him there at a happy time like Christmas.

just text him

the thing is, love, even when you rail against the advice here, there is always someone to listen

but what you have to understand is...no-one here will hold your hand while you make excuses to stay with such a man, that is not the nature of MN

if that is all you need, there are better places for you

netmums is thattaway

Call women's aid for advice
If I were you I would text/email him then delete and block. If he turns up then ignore. If he gets aggro call the police.
It is as simple as that.

And in future (and I mean this kindly) if a man appears horrible and controlling right from the start then just run! No relationship is 100xbetter than an abusive one.

Ok, so you need a plan. Does he have a key to your place? If so, how about step 1 is to change the locks. That might make you feel safer when you tell him it's over.

right! Yes ninja he does have a key, I tried to get it off him once and he lied, I think I would prefer to do that first yes, and then I will tell him AGAIN, I wish I could then go away for a bit though

you could do that, go away

take his key and then disappear for a while, go off sick from work and get some distance from him

change your locks, ring Women's Aid and report to the police any attempts to harass you

there are lots of things you can do...if you want to

Could you get some leave from work? Or do you have a friend who could stay over for a few nights?

I'm self employed I have my own business but I am quiet at the moment and could change things around, there are places I can go yes, I would have to take children out of school though. I will have a think, maybe a long weekend or something

Please don't go away marvelousM. I've been getting help on here for the last few days and I can't tell you the difference it makes. Please trust that people here want what's best for you. It sounds like you need empathy and advice, which people here have in buckets, sometimes in the form of hard truths, which in my case was precious and necessary, sometimes softer encouragement, whatever, it's the support that counts right? I'm sending you loads of that now.
I can't advise you, that's why I've got my own thread but i can definitely empathise with the indecision. I'm terrified of what you call the aftermath too (perfect word). I'm really sad for you that you feel scared of him. I can also understand you giving yourself until after Christmas, you're maybe feeling guilty about spoiling it for your DCs? I'm sure in the long run they would prefer a happy mum, and one disrupted Christmas might not be so bad if its drowned out by loads of great ones. Doesn't sound like you have RL support, or could you tell someone? I greatly doubt that anyone here thinks you're stupid. I'm sure you'll work it out.
Take care x

Thank you aefondkisses, I'm thinking of you too. I know I'm being pathetic, butthat really isn't me, I don't know were I've gone tbh there is the freedom programme on down the road I've just found out maybe that will help me stay strong too !

Going away for a short time is unlikely to be any kind of solution as he won't have gone anywhere and any break you take will be marred by the thought of returning home and most probably having to face him.

You're best advised to change your entry door lock(s) - if it's a Yale lock it's a 10 minute job that only needs a hacksaw and a screwdriver to replace the barrel - and then tell him it's over by phone or face to face in a public place such as a restaurant or coffee shop.

If he gets arsey, tell him you won't hesitate to involve the police if he doesn't respect your decision - and mean it... and don't hesitate to call them if he attempts to harass you.

Locate your nearest Women's Aid offices here www.womensaid.org.uk and keep posting on this thread for virtual support 24/7.

I honestly found it scary reading your original post, OP. But you don't sound scared . From what you have said about his actions I would go to the ends of the earth to escape this man, let alone worry about xmas presents. I think you need to actually think about seriously protecting yourself from this man.

I would not let a man like that anywhere near my children, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Christ.

well, that's what I thought, jane

but Op backed off like crazy, and started blaming respondents for her predicament which seemed kinda self-defeating

self-defeating in the most scary and damaging way of all

no I didn't blame respondents for my predicament anyfucker, I take full responsibility for allowing myself getting in the situation I'm in, I was just a bit shocked about the lack of empathy I was getting, but can we please get over that. Of course I'm scared, otherwise I would of ended it no problem do you not get that? Please stop this now, I'm trying to make a plan and stick with it I don't want to defend myself anymore please!!!!!

Thing is, M, there is no easy way out of this. Only you can end this relationship: by knowing what you want, knowing that you are entitled to it, stating it, and then standing firm. Disappearing for a while won't make the problem go away.

He won't make it easy for you. You say you split up with him 7 times already, and he persuaded you to backtrack on your decision all those times. He will try all the same tricks again this time, and just dial them up if you show more resistance than before.

So you are going to have to gird yourself for confrontation, even though it is something you clearly hate.

BUT: just because this is going to be hard, doesn't mean that it isn't eminently worth doing.

Your OP is very frightening indeed. Please realise that you deserve better, and that you are perfectly allowed to make this nasty man cross if it means saving yourself, and your child.

yes I agree. I need to stand firm with him I NEED to be free of this person and I know its only me who can do it noone can do it for me I know that. That doesn't mean I'm not petrified and stressed by the whole thing, I feel I need to provide myself with some form of support be it here, womans aid , the freedom programme, counselling.I am gonna sort this I just need to work it out in my head, as he has talked me around so many times! I can't let it happen again!

I said exactyl the same thing once Jane :-(

the thing is, OP, if you have had several opportunities to end this before and you haven't followed through...why is that, in the absence of dc's and financial insecurity?

don't get me wrong, I've stayed with some dicks that would make your toes curl

I have even railed against those who tried to counsel me otherwise..do you think I really don't get it ?

think whose side you are taking when you dismiss my input

who does it advantage...you ?

or the bloke that is working very hard to diminish you ?

All I can say is he just convinced me, you can judge me all u like for that perhaps I deserve it but I just don't feel like I want to explain myself any more, I'm in the situation and now its time to get out. anyfucker its not dismissing your input I'm sure you mean well. I just don't want to defend myself anymore I just want to get out, and I'm trying to think of ways to keep strong and not be weak and go back because if I'm not ready for whats coming I may well do that and be moaning on here in another month, I'm trying to recognise my weaknesses and do something about it!