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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't feel the same way about him anymore!

172 replies

marvelousM · 25/11/2012 20:13

I've only been with him just over a year, but its never really been good if I'm honest, I found him very controlling and domineering from the start, though I found him very attractive and there was a connection. He just was so used to being on his own living a batchelor life, he found it hard to be in a relationship, and there was many let down and dishonesty, he has an anger problem and shouts when he doesn't get his own way, he once threatened to throw me out of the car, post intimate pictures of me on fb, generally threatening ,so much so I once called the police. He has a short fuse and its just walking on egg shells most of the time. I don't live with him thank god, but its proving really difficult to get rid of him. I have finished it so many times at least 7 and everytime he wins me back and promises to change. I used to say I loved him but now actually I don't think I do, there's been so many threats, deception my love for him has gone but he won't take no for an answer.

I thought I would try stick things out for xmas, as we have joint xmas presents for the kids, plans made over xmas, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know why as I always thought of myself as a strong person, but he has chipped away at my confidence and made me feel I cannot cope on my own as I have no family around me so I have relied on him.

The other night he was wanting sex, I tried to put him off but he kept on about it so I went along with it, but although I used to enjoy sex with him for some reason, and I generally love sex , it was just an awful experience. It didn't feel special it was all about what he wanted oral sex for him, anal sex which I don't really enjoy it was painful, during the sex he pushed my head to give him oral sex again. He wanted me to do things I didn't want to he didn't make me but I just felt awful. I told him a little how I felt the next day, he sort of comforted me but said I analyse things too much and think too much. I felt he was telling me I shouldn't feel like that and trying to control how I should feel or am I being over dramatic! He did start shouting eventually as he said I didn't listen to him. Basically I've had enough but it is soooo hard to finish it and just thinking I will keep him at a distance as much as possible till after xmas, so not to ruin it too much. I really just need to talk to someone as I am dealing with this myself and hear other peoples opinions that maybe have been in a simular situation.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 26/11/2012 16:02

Stay strong M, you've done the hard bit. Can you get real life support over next few days - you deserve a good Christmas too.
Agree re police.

KatieScarlett2833 · 26/11/2012 16:05

Well done Marvelous.

How are you doing now?

Are you safe?

marvelousM · 26/11/2012 16:12

I'm ok emotional, but that what I've turned into lately an emotonal wreck, but the times I have stuck at being away from him even if was just a couple of days I felt better. This time I CAN'T let him talk me back.....so far 10 missed calls and 6 messages. He'll be round soon I know he will. I'm taking the kids out for tea !

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/11/2012 16:15

Can you change your SIM card and e-mail address, marvelous ?

It will help give you space and calm to not even see the incoming messages.

marvelousM · 26/11/2012 16:26

I can't really, because I have my own business and advertise that number but I have switched it off for now!

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/11/2012 16:26

If he comes to the door, don't engage in conversation, don't let him in, and call the police if he persists.

If you ever do bump into him face to face, here's a great phrase to use: "I'm not interested."

It's not aggressive, not confrontational, perfectly truthful, engages only yourself (no castigation of him), and doesn't open any space for dialogue. Say it with no emotion and repeat it like a broken record until you can be physically free of him (head for crowded public spaces) or he gives up. "I'm not interested" can be said in response to anything he says to you:

Hello M
I'm not interested

I just want to talk
I'm not interested

You owe me at least this much
I'm not interested

Can we go somewhere to talk?
I'm not interested

This isn't over
I'm not interested

I love you so much
I'm not interested

Fuck you then, you stupid bitch

ThatDudeSanta · 26/11/2012 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlett2833 · 26/11/2012 16:31

^^

What HotDAMN said

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/11/2012 16:36

well done switching comms off for now.

marvelousM · 26/11/2012 16:38

Ha hotdamn thats exactly the sort of thing he says in that order lol! ok I have that phrase in my head, and we're staying at a friends tomorrow her dp is away so perfect timing :-)

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/11/2012 16:44

They all follow the same script, marvelous

Good plan to be with a friend. I hope she has a good listening ear.

izzyizin · 26/11/2012 16:50

Have you changed your locks, marvelous? Please don't go and stay elsewhere without attending to that task first - even if this untrustworthy twunt returns your key(s) I'd advise you to put safety/security before all other considerations and make it impossible for him to gain access without having to break in.

marvelousM · 26/11/2012 17:05

I was thinking about having a go at it myself tomorrow, it looks quite simple and if it does go wrong I can always ask the man next door he looks after my cats sometimes. I've also planned things for every weekend up to xmas, so I won't be on my own, thinking, being vunerable! I am trying I promise

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 26/11/2012 17:11

Wow, well done, you're very brave :)

If you think he's gonna come round, please make sure your windows and doors are locked, and for the doors he has a key to, do have a deadlock/chain?

JustFabulous · 26/11/2012 17:16

You did the hard part.

Tomorrow you will wake up and feel free, light and happy.

Be strong.

izzyizin · 26/11/2012 17:18

Changing Yale and most mortice locks is simple - if it's a first for you take your time and write down where the various screws go as you remove them.

For tonight make sure any entry doors are bolted and don't hesitate to dial 999 if he tries to get in or kicks off on your doorstep.

AnyFucker · 26/11/2012 17:26

You are very brave. Ignore all communications do not engage at all

If he turns up at your door, bolt it do not let him in under any circumstances and tellhim if he doesn't desist you are calling the police. And follow through if you need to

Now is the really hard part (as you have found previously). You must not listen to any wheedling, whining, promises, threats to do himself in etc. Stay strong and do not be tempted to just "let him talk to you".

Thisisaeuphemism · 26/11/2012 18:23

Sending love - post on here if you feel overwhelmed by him. You are doing the right thing.

marvelousM · 26/11/2012 18:33

flippin heck I get back from macdonalds he's there on my drive, I carried on driving to my friends, posting from there now. Switched my phone on, messages on answering phone, texts saying 'so your out, didn't take long to get over me did it?' 'please talk to me please x' 'were are you' 'don't ignore me!!' I really want to go home!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/11/2012 18:37

Ignore him, he will get bored after a while as long as you don't pay him any attention

If he really does stage a sit-in on your drive, call the police to remove him. There are new laws against stalking...they will take you seriously

ThatDudeSanta · 26/11/2012 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea · 26/11/2012 18:51

yep, call the police 100%.

If he carries on I believe its a fairly straightforward thing to take an injunction.

and the Freedom programme you mentioned would be fabulous.

If he threatens to post pics of you on the internet, I am pretty sure this is illegal, but you can ask the police when you inevitably have to call them. If you know what/where they are you could ask for them to be taken/deleted by police.

NettleTea · 26/11/2012 18:53

also bear in mind that he promised/said tons of stuff before to get you to go back.
None of it is true.
Nothing changed.
And even if he was the most perfect man in the universe, if you dont want to be with him for no reason whatsoever, thats OK.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/11/2012 19:49

He's continuing to follow the script.

A visit from the police to remove him from your driveway is the only language he will understand (anything you say has no value, since you are a plaything under his control, in his eyes.) But he will be charming and reasonable with the police.

marvelousM · 26/11/2012 20:24

ok he's gone for the time being, he text me to say he would leave me alone if thats what I want.....hmmm we'll see! I need to make a list of all the things he's done to me or some of them so I can look at it everytime I feel vunerable, or slightly tempted to go back. Don't feel you have to read this is just for me.

said he wasn't on any dating sites anymore, I checked and there he was and actually tried to talk to me not realising it was me

chatted up at least 3 women on facebook, asking for a dirty picture, saying he wanted to poke one for real.

told me to wind my neck in when I told a shop assistant I didn't want to open a store card

when I changed my mind about what pasty I wanted once he shouted 'what the fucking hell did you do that for'

shouting at me for burning a pizza 'can't you read instructions, can you do anything right, how do you survive'

critising my cooking,what I wear, how I run my business, me as a mother, how I keep my house, the colour of my nail varnish, the colour of my clothes.

critising how I did things on valentines day

having a woman friend who could do no wrong, letting her buy him unappropiate gifts, belittling my feelings about it saying it was wrong to feel the way I did. Telling me how much better she was at doing things than me.

Having a fit for sitting too close to him when he's trying to eat.

Loosing his temper over anything

mood swings, snappiness, being argumentative but always my fault

Loosing his job due to his boss not been able to work with him due to his attitude.

Making comments during sex such as 'for someone who does zumba your fucking shit at moving your hips'

Getting cross with me in bed because I wasn't doing it right.

wanting me to be with another woman so he could watch. Put me on a site for this sort of thing got cross with me when I wouldn't chat other women up, or had a go at me for saying the wrong thing.

Always wanting me to perform sexual acts on him, but I got no affection.

I should be the one that initiates sex, affection, holding hands, cuddles, hugs etc. Its a woman thing.

Making threats when I've ended it

Ruined my Birthday by loosing his temper when me and the kids were in the car, told me I was pathetic for crying and acting the victim.

Lost his temper another time in the car, I tried to ignore him to try and diffuse the situation, but he threatened to throw me out the car and slammed his foot on the brake. I had no idea were I was.

Told me my outfit for going out was not very flattering, then getting in a mood because I was upset, which resulted in him loosing his temper smashing stuff up which resulted in me calling the police.

Various other shouting, put down moments. I'm not a real woman because I don't bake all day, his cooking is better blah blah blah!

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