Well purse my fanjo, giraffes in wheelchairs and submariners going dowwwnnnn - the dating thread hits 30!

[JulietteMontague]

Off we go...

Bugger, I wrote a long reply to you Western saying listen to JoylessFucker. She is wise. He is going through hell right now, this also means he will want to see his DC at every opportunity - as their Dad he will be terrified for them growing up without him. Think about this, it is huge.

Poppy he is treating you like an option. He doesn't act like he cares, doesn't answer texts yet calls you at 9.30 pm and you go over to him? Cooking and wine is not a substitute for caring and consideration. No more texts, he doesn't deserve your body, heart or mind.

OWW you almost certainly are 'a little bit beyond just dating by now' which is why I said please don't expect him to be thinking clearly or normally. He feels he's too much, that his shit is too much to put upon you. Sadly, he really has absolutely no idea how much you are wanting to be there to allow him to lean on you. He will let you in, just give him time.

Till then, look after yourself. If you would find a chat informative, drop me a PM, I'd be happy to call.

Poppy. that man sounds like hard work. and its you always waiting for him. I think he has revealed himself to you.

OWW. Tough times. Waiting for results is horrendous. I was in that position with a new relationship. To be honest I ddint want to speak to anyone as my life had shrunk to existing from hour to hour. just even communicating on the most basic level was impossible. You feel like you are sinking. just get busy Oww. he will appreciate that you are there for him even if he is doing nothing about it.
when he gets his results then review this situation. its a shit time.

You've described it more fluently than I Scatty. I hope you're well on the way to full recovery too ...

Poppy I agree with others about the Half-Italian Stallion. He doesn't sound properly available, whether reason be that practical, lack of organisation, emotional, mental, whatever ...

If you want to stay with it, it sounds like you need to prepare yourself for a constant & real roller-coaster of emotions. Maybe stop & think about how attractive he appears with your life being like this day-in and day-out, week upon week, month upon month, maybe even year upon year. Not nice to do, but it may save you future mental/emotional agony.

Sorry if I was abrupt in previous post, in summarising it does come over rather harsh to both Western and Poppy, it wasn't meant to be

OWW no you're not coming across an unempathetic or anything like that, and yes you're definitely a bit beyond dating - if you want to help and support him - tell him so... offer to go round and just kiss his forehead and do the washing up or something... but I wouldn't expect a reply or a yes to that, I would offer though rather than asking to meet up, if that makes sense.

Juliete. I don't think you were harsh. the same principles apply as always. don't put up with rubbish.

I'm 100% well thanks. I had all my treatment 7 years ago and not a single problem since, I'm an example of cancer treatment being very successful.

no dating news from me. Talking to a couple. still tthink about ex too much.

Thank you all, every one of you. Am going to take a couple of steps back for the meantime, plenty of other stuff to concentrate on at home, catching up with some sleep, decorating etc. I hope he knows I'm there for him, though, and will keep up the contact but without a lot of expectations for the time being.

Twatto ex still hasn't signed the contracts for the house sale. Major, major stress.

I always find Christmas a really difficult time and miss the big family Christmasses we used to have. It always seems a bit sparse, me and the dcs and possibly my mum rattling about . . . So many things have happened at Christmas and new year recently that I feel a bit jinxed about it - the run down of the last five years has been year 1 ex stole money and tried to commit suicide, year 2 I found him out in an affair, year 3 he totalled my car which he had "borrowed", year 4 we split up. Then I had a quiet but very sad Christmas last year so I'm not really looking forward to this one. I miss having a relationship at Christmas time more than anything - and I'm not sure how things will be with LM in a month or so. We can only see.

OWW wow that is a run of xmas time crap!! No wonder this time of year is not so good for you. I think, man aside, you could really look after yourself. Do nice things, eat your favourite food, be lazy if you want to be. You are having a lot of stress and that will eat away at you.

Any dates this week? Bantam have you had a follow through with the Artist?

Watch: How is the work based crush going?

Sponge: How are you? Any more texts?

Snape: did you communicate with OKC man?

I do think (hope!!) it's his family commitments and lack of organisation that means he's not available. If I felt more secure I don't think it would be so much of an issue. The problem is I am insecure and uncertain. Joyless you are right, this is probably what it's going to be like, certainly for a while.

scatty - yep, we ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours or so after we'd got back from the date. We're on for a second date on Wednesday, she even suggested she'd cook for me.. :)

I'm still hunting for a job in my spare time, and have the DC half the time so things are fairly busy.

I am slightly worried that the Artist is 41 and childless, and if she does want children is going to want them sooner rather than later - I really don't want to start rushing into parenthood all over again without getting to know someone extremely well first but..too early to assume stuff I guess.

Scatty - you're right, too much stress at the moment but a lot of it's short (ish) term, fingers crossed.

Poppy - I can sympathise with you so, so much, being a worrier and over-analyser of the first order at the moment. I'm not usually like this (or didn't used to be) so I'm hoping I will be able to calm it down when life is less stressful and I feel a bit more secure (if we get to that stage . . .)

I feel anything but calm. I am so wound up by it - so tense. I had one brief text at around 9:20 this morning when I texted him asking if everything was OK as I hadn't hear from him. He just said 'Busy. Will email later' , he does send these more terse messages sometimes, but then I've heard nothing from him since. I suppose I've just got to take him at his word and wait......

Poppy - there's always a power balance in any relationship. I think the healthiest ones don't have too wide a difference at any one time, and it fluctuates - sometimes one partner is more dependent, other times they're more in control.

It seems like he's been calling the shots since day one, and you're always waiting, hoping, worrying that he'll try and find some time for you. If that's so, and you want the relationship to have any kind of future, you're going to have to not be his doormat. Don't just wait around for him to call, try and put him out of your mind, do something else. I hate the 'game' that couples fall into in the early stages to try and get the advantage, but maybe he's playing it - unconsciously maybe - by being so terse and uncommunicative and making you always wait on him. I don't know if there's any way to strike a balance here without game playing back and letting him know you're too good to be walked over like this.

Sorry if this is harsh, you just seem like a nice person who's not being treated nicely.

I agree with bant poppy .. If he knows you are always there on call then why bother .. You'll be there when he feels like it.. Go and do something for yourself and leave the phone elsewhere for a few hours

Poppy I'm with Bant & Kirsty on this one. He has all the power here and he knows it! Put your phone away & go and do something else.

I've said it already but I will say it again. It only needs ONE text, email, carrier pigeon message, whatever...until that is responded to you do NOT get in touch with them again. If he isn't making the time for you then don't make the time for him! Think about how he is making you feel. Tense, nervous and insecure. You shouldn't be feeling like this at the start of a relationship & anybody who would carelessly allow you to feel this way simply isn't good enough.

I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just you sound like such a lovely person and this man is treating you in a far from ideal manner. You deserve much better, but you won't get it while you're allowing Mr I'm just so busy & special take up so much of your precious time.

Oh and Bant a second date lined up already? Nice one.

I think it's a little early to leap to conclusions about the Artist just yet though. She may not even want children, not every woman does. I'm 33 and childless. If I'm still childless in 8 years I will probably have given the whole idea up as a bad one anyway.

I agree with Bantam and Kirsty, you're there when he wants an ego boost/shag. If you're happy to do that then fair enough, but he should at least be honest about it.

I haven't heard from TheAuditor at all today .. I am not texting him .. If he wants to get in touch that is fine and if he doesn't that it fine too.. We've got a date organised for Thuraday .. I am sure he is pretty keen

He has invited me to go to his for dinner for the last two dates but I have suggested eating out instead .. As I am currently staying with my mum I'd have to tell her that I am going to be dessert (that's what going for dinner means right??) plus I feel as though I hardly know him and it just wouldn't feel quite right

Still nothing from him OMG I can't stand this

Poppy step away from the phone!!!!

poppy echo everyone else.

Take back control. You can do it

Poppy. Turn the phone off. Accept he's probably not going to phone tonight, or email. If he does, and you're not available, it will make him keener next time. You jumping to answer when he does is just going to make him even less keen to get in touch next time.

Kirsty - I'm trying to work out the dinner/Coffee/dessert relationship at the moment. I've arranged a second date for Wednesday, drinks in her village, and then Sunday night she wants to cook for me at hers...

Which would be dinner on a third date.

I haven't done the dating thing in such a long time I don't know if they changed it..

Bantam I haven't done the dating thing in over 25 years.

I have dessert if I fancy it somethings never change. Well for me.

poppy [wetfish] go and have a bath or a shower or a wank or something that will take at least half an hour and leave your phone far, far away. I agree with bant and Kirsty.

bant 2nd date?! Yay!

scatty. Yes, no response, ahh well. But someone pretty interesting gave me stars on OKC, I found this out when I gave him stars, so I've sent him a message. :)

Text from the prof today, he'd noticed I'd had a nosey at his OKC. Been nice having a conversation, he's good. The gf is on/off apparently. This is fine.

New Message on my fb. My heart leaps as I click, which is daft as voldemort is clearly nowhere near who I thought he was, I just don't like having anything end badly, without resolution and want us both to be at peace. Was bloke I went out with briefly when I was 17, who moved away, saying I hadn't changed a bit (oh, I have...)

And finally, heard at work today that I'd lost my grievance against decision to stop paying my rent, so I'll need to appeal. Slapped in two applications today for jobs that would pay the rent and I'd have cash over (between a £14-£19k hike) so I'm hopeful. Hope is important.

Feel a bit teary tho. It's a lot to cope with. DS1 still not back at school. It's an increasing effort to get up in the mornings, although I'm a ball-breaking feminazi, oh! To have someone look after me... Just for a bit.