Well purse my fanjo, giraffes in wheelchairs and submariners going dowwwnnnn - the dating thread hits 30!

[JulietteMontague]

Off we go...

sorry that should say 'If you get a reply'...

Watch Well done on the weight loss!

Bant Glad the date went well. Sounds like you could be on to something here. Thank you for your male perspective on my man boy situation. I think perhaps as a ahem older woman of the world I am pretty blasé about sexy times. I forget that for some people it's a big deal. Especially a 21 year old. Although having said that I don't think he was exactly a virgin before I got my grubby paws on him.

Lots of sympathy snape I know how you feel and it's just so shitty
bantam That sounds like a really good date

I had my date with Mr Going Away last night and it was a bit of a disaster. He was nice and we got on really well, but I didn't fancy him. I really wanted to, and through the evening there were moments I found him attractive and I hoped some kind of spark would kick in. We were still enjoying chatting when the pub closed so I invited him here but made it quite clear nothing was going to happen. We stayed up chatting and it was fine and that was pretty cool, but there was also a lot of pressure in a 'But I'm not pressuring you, see how understanding I am' way and he tried to kiss me and it was just awful I very recently ended a relationship with someone of about 18 months on/off due to it just being impossible to make work (long distance) and it's crap because we still love each other, and I'm so desperate to move on and get some fun back in my life and find a companion who's actually around. I think kissing this guy, all 10 seconds in which I was utterly frozen, felt so totally wrong because it wasn't ex but I just didn't really fancy him like that regardless sigh

Mr Shy asked me for coffee and when I said yes suggested we actually make it drinks, so that's on Wednesday. We haven't spoken a lot, but there's something I really like about what little I know. Think I am going to cancel on the other two I'm vaguely chatting to, or those will just be disasters too. I can tell.

Still going steady with trusty old eeyore!!! And quite enjoying being single and lonely in a long relationship with fun and freedom tries looking on the bright side sorely missing a good friend cos i NEED a decent cuddle and they know exactly how to hug me! but i get to see them tuesday and we text most days, which is great! Decided dont needa man my life is too complicated at the moment and will be for a long time to come!!!

However a couple of good nights out would be nice!!!

sponge - it's difficult to tell without the context. If it's a reply from Tesco customer service, it's probably just being polite. If it's from someone you dated, it depends on the circumstances..

sponge is that from LC?

I've just been watching American Beauty. Very dark. It suits my mood.

Yoga it is indeed :)

Bantam context...well, I've not contacted him for about a week after our last exchange of texts, but thought I'd send a quick one today, nothing heavy, just hope he was ok, bit of stuff about my weekend, etc.

was that all it said? 'lovely to hear from you' is somewhat neutral when it's someone you've had several dates with.

Sorry, no, it said some other stuff as well in response to my text, that was just the start of it. I was just quite :) as I can't remember the last time anyone said it was lovely to hear from me am clearly just easily pleased

sponge Well then I would believe that he was pleased to hear from you. He could have ignored you or just sent a polite reply and he didn't do either. But I don't know that I would take that as an indication that he's necessarily in place to want to do more than chat. It's nice that he doesn't appear to be a complete tool but I would be wary of investing too much or waiting for him to want more.

Yoga you're right, I don't think he is ready yet, but the tone of his texts (as much as it is possible to tell from a few lines of writing) seems a little brighter than over the last couple of weeks. We'll see what happens...

I think 'lovely to hear from you' is very good, and genuine, I'd be pleased if someone said it to me, and it's the sort of thing I'd say if I really meant it:)

Help! I've heard nothing from my half Italian since a brief text after I saw him on Saturday saying he was going to pick up his mum. Is it a case of wham bam thank you mam? I've sent him a couple of friendly texts and emails. Nothing back. He normally mails me in the morning as he starts work at home . Not this morning.

I shouldn't panic yet should I? It was only Saturday afternoon that he texted. He normally is quite a regular emailer though. That paranoia again.

Poppy I dunno... that would piss me off. I've thought his reasons for stalling with meeting etc due to potential probs with childcare etc genuine enough, but it's not really on to completely ignore friendly texts.

Poppy - I'm with lubey. The 'joy' of text is that you can send someone a "look, sorry, flat out at the moment, will be in touch soon as, hope you're OK" in at most 30 seconds. Sometimes it's not always possible if you're at work or if some really serious stuff is going down to reply for a couple of hours, possibly all day even, or if you're out and about. But if I sent someone a text on a Sunday morning and I hadn't heard from them this morning, I'd not panic, but I'd be a bit pissed off.

Feeling low, low, low today. Just seems too much like hard work in all directions at the moment.

LM texted yesterday to say he'd had to go back to the hospital as he'd got an infection. So I phoned to see if he was ok, was all a bit stilted. He is up and doing, had had one of his dc over for the weekend, got the other two over tonight so not at deaths door or anything. So I asked him what were his plans for the rest of the week as it would be good to meet up - awkward silence, then some talk about not knowing when he'll have his dcs, left it with no plans to meet or anything. I hate this. Don't want to be chasing him and would rather we just called it off if that's how he feels but he hasn't, asked if he was ok and he was saying he didn't feel good but nothing else was wrong. Help!!!

oww I'm sorry he is upsetting you like this. I know it's really hard but I honestly wouldn't text or call him again. Even if you have to tie your hands together to stop yourself. Why should you have to be the one chasing, asking to see him etc? If a man want't to see you he will ask, if he doesn't then that's his own stupid fault for being an idiot who doesn't know what's good for him.

The same goes for your guy poppy I agree with lubey and unreason It's time to stop feeling in a panic and more to start feeling royally pissed off at his total lack of regard for you. There is NO excuse for not answering texts. Not unless you are actually in a coma or dead. Please don't text or email him again. We should all make a pact today that when it comes to men we send one text or email only and then silence until they get back to us. Even if they never do then at least we've kept our dignity.

Urgh, who the fuck do these men think they are? Very angry for you both today.

Thanks Milk - yes, had decided I'm not going to contact him but I am really feeling low about this. Up to him going in hospital things all seemed like they were going so well and now a total change. I just don't understand what has suddenly gone wrong.

I know it feels utterly shitty OWW We've all been there and bugger all anybody says can make you feel better. Whatever is the matter could well be nothing to do with you. Try not to drive yourself mad thinking about it, as hard as that is. There's a strong chance he will get in touch once he realises you aren't bothering with him. Utterly bloody juvenile of course but that seems to be the way it goes a lot of the time.

Why men can't be just honest with us I will never know. Why do they think the cold shoulder is somehow easier that the (possibly cold) truth? So bloody infuriating.

OWW I'm going to suggest looking at it from a very different perspective. If I've read this right, LM has had surgery and is awaiting the results. He may have cancer, it may be terminal (or not), it may require a delibitating treatment schedule (or not), he may be lucky and the operation is all he required (or not). What I'm trying to say is that whilst you have all that type of shit running around your head, dating ... seems wrong. You have no idea whether you have anything to offer that other person, whether you even have a future to share with them.

You really need to allow him to get his results, to know what he has to deal with before you can decide if a) you are in it for the long haul or b) its all too much. If its a), you can then be firmly re-assuring of your feelings and commitment, if its b), you'll be grateful he's been smart enough not to make assumptions.

Really & truly, this is not about you. He has some potentially serious shit going on here. Don't push it, unless you are 100% confident you are in it for the long haul even if it results in the worst of outcomes. Express your concern & affection, check when he will be seeing his consultant for follow-up/results, but make no demands on him.

BTW, I say this from the perspective of someone who has been where LM is now ... and I'm also sending un-MN hugs to you, its a tough time, but don't expect him to be thinking normally or clearly in the circumstances. The man I'd started seeing shortly before my diagnosis was resolute that he was in it for the long haul so when the relationship ended after my treatment, I fell apart in a big way. LM has to bear that possibility in mind on top of everything else ... its a really hard time for him (and not easy for you).

OWW he really isn't going to be up to meeting up hon. Not this week, with infection and everything else he's been through. I'm not surprised you got stilted convo and silence etc - he probably doesn't want to upset you by stating factually just how ill he is and how dreadful he must be feeling and doesn't want to risk sounding pissed off or snapping at you.

Poppy further to the text thing - if you hadn't text him and just hadn't heard from him then that would be fine, it's the ignoring texts bit that's really annoying. I agree with the others it's a complete lack of regard.

Joyless - thank you and so sorry to hear you have been there too. Hope things are looking up for you. Yes, you've got it pretty much straight although I think/hope that following on from the operation it's not terminal as things seemed to go very well during the op and I don't think it has spread. I am not quite clear though as some of it's a bit confused/confusing and I don't want to push him about it especially when we're not face-to-face. But he was sounding quite positive about how it went.

I was really hoping I guess that I could be a help to him and support him through this, practically or emotionally or whatever, working on the assumption that that's what I'd want if the shoe were on the other foot. But, yes, you're right, he is probably feeling and thinking all those shit things at the moment and of course he wants his dc round him, most important thing and I've no trouble with that at all.

I'm sorry, it sounds like I have no empathy for him at all whittling on all the time about how he's communicating/not communicating. That's not the case at all but I guess this coming on top of all the trouble with the ex is bringing out the worst in me self-confidence wise. I haven't said any of this to him at all, just tried to keep in touch and be supportive however I can. I will take on board what you've said, JF and thanks for being so honest with me.

He has also texted to say sorry for being vague yesterday, bad mix of medication. So I think I really need to just have a bit of faith.

Sorry for being on here all the time at the moment whittling. I feel so stupid and obsessed with nonsense. I am just knocked for six anyway by all the other stuff going on and not able to deal with stuff I'd normally take in my stride.

OWW you don't sound like that at all. You sound like you're having a really rubbish time and - quite frankly - could do with a lovely man to give you a hug and listen to your woes, instead of which you are having to make do with us.

I just thought it might help if I wrote about the mental aspects of this, as the focus had been mostly around his physical recovery. I can't tell you what a bloody nightmare I was then ... luckily I had a good friend who took the piss out of me quite regularly, thereby keeping my feet on the ground. I did shove the man away a lot though ... whilst wanting very much to lean on him and be made to feel safe.

Just keep yourself focused on your own challenges and don't worry about him. Remember that "this too shall pass". You will get there - lean on us here, on people in RL and the time will come when you'll look back and think 'that was crap, but I got through it' ... because you will.

OWW - second what joyless has just said. Hes got major stuff going on right now. That will be his priority, and rightly so. Hes not an arse. Hes a man in the middle of a trauma and he doesnt know whats going to happen.
I think you need to take a step back here. Send him the occassional text every few days to let him know you are thinking of him and wishing him well. but leave it at that. I cant imagine for one second that dating is on his radar right now. Thats not a reflection of you or anything having gone wrong. But just of an unfortunate situation that needs to be dealt with.

Thanks JF and Watch - you're right. I'd thought we were a little bit beyond just dating by now, had hoped I could be helpful/supportive to him whilst all this is going on so maybe I'm feeling a bit pushed aside. Wasn't thinking of seeing him in terms being wined and dined, rather me going over to see how he is, having a bit of a chat, but I understand where he's coming from. Will exercise patience and understanding.

I am so grateful for the support from everyone on here, you don't know what a difference it can make sometimes.