Well purse my fanjo, giraffes in wheelchairs and submariners going dowwwnnnn - the dating thread hits 30!

[JulietteMontague]

Off we go...

Hello one and all - new poster here! I have just come out of a relationship with a man I met on match over a year ago and am now in the position of having to return, or choose another site. I had thought he was "the one" but, as you will have deduced, he turned out not to be (he had been in a semi-professional porn film during his time at uni -"just for the experience" - how do you explain that one to your future kids?!. There was also an incident involving him smashing up a hotel room). And the thing is that he was STILL the most suitable man I have come across!!!(out of about 90 that I met over the course of 2.5 years).

I am now wondering if it will take another 3 years to find the next guy who I'm compatible with only to find out that he has some fatal flaw. Will my eggs have run out by that time?! :-( I am 30, by the way. So hello! Looking forward to sharing new adventures (and maybe some of my past ones - I don't have any friends doing the online thing so I never get the pleasure of sharing my experiences.

poppy hold your head up high. You are a good and decent person.

Welcome Russian. Sounds like you are well rid! You share our pain when it comes to OD.
I ungodly my pof profile last night. 5 messages. All over 60. I might as well be on that site specifically for older people.

mac did you get your roof fixed??

Welcome russian

What a lovely morning!! :-D

Poppy - I agree with everyone else regarding this bloke. And there is nothing easy about you. He does sound like a player to me though and I think you need to try detach yourself as much as possible.

I had one guy chase me for weeks when I was still married. I never took him on but he was relentless, full of charming words etc. When I split from stbxh he ramped it right up and eventually I did sleep with him thinking he really liked me. He mucked me about for weeks afterward

Good thing was I learned a lot from that little experience. Like you can do from this one poppy. If a bloke is going to keep you hanging around, be vague about arrangements and blunt texts...ignore the hell out of him and get on with your own life. This one chap isn't the be all and end all. Pull up your dignity pants and make yourself happy

Hello everyone else, no idea where you are all at, dating wise! Will read back and see shortly

I still keep having little niggles of doubt about NL but I know myself enough to know I am doing my usual...start getting feelings and immediately try run away I think I am just a bit broken

Feeling a bit apprehensive about December too. It's never a great month for me, this year it will be ten years since I lost my brother five days before Xmas then he was buried on the 30th, it was a long tome ago but it still makes me sad. The kids are also going to their dads after Christmas morning for a few days and I will be all drunk alone because I don't really want to spend it with happy unbroken families bitter I am incredibly proud too and don't want sympathy invites which I have already had

Off to catch up on you all. I think the OD thread would make a great tv series

Hi Russian you're 30? You have plenty of time.
Others are better placed to give you website tips but Match did it for me.
If I was nearer a city I would try Guardian Soulmates or even mysinglefriend.

Well TheAuditor and I are out this Thursday for date 4 (dinner out) and have 5 (drinks) ,6 (body attack) and 7 arranged for next week .. I have suggested Lunch at his on Sunday 9th for no 7 while DD is at the panto with her grandparents

Morning all. Kirsty you sound happy!

Poppy How are you this morning? However disappointed or let down you may be feeling, please don't blame yourself.

Bantam Wondering the same as fayster - are you not quite sure about the artist or just wary of getting ahead of yourself? It can be hard not to get caught up in things really quickly if there's a mutual spark (especially if it's been a while since you've had dessert!! )

Hi Russian, welcome.

Just a quick update from me for newbies or anyone who hasn't had time to catch up. Having used POF, OKC and GS with varying degrees of success I'm not lining up any new dates at the moment. It just all feels like too much hard work for so little in return. And things with job hunting, money & FMXH are all a bit shit and draining my resources. So I will be watching from the sofa for a while.

Welcome russian

Roof is being fixed this afternoon. Hooray!

Ooh er Kirsty

Hello everyone else.

Yoga and fayster - it's a combination of both. I wasn't as blown away by the Artist as I was by either SurreyGirl or the AmazingVanishingHistorian, but then both of them went silent due to issues with their exes - arguments or temporarily getting back together with them, respectively.

Artist is nice, attractive, there's chemistry. We're similar in some ways and very different in others. There wasn't the thunderbolts and lightning that I felt when I met the Historian, but look how that turned out?

So - I could see how things go with Artist, take it carefully, and see if things feel right, or I could stop things while holding out for the thunderbolts which I may only ever feel with people who are actually subconsciously screwed up. 2 people isn't enough to make a pattern, but it's enough to make me think about it at least. I've only gone 'wow' at two girls out of 11 dates, and both of them had Ex-Ishoos. There were 3 or 4 who wanted to see me again and I didn't really feel it (including Safrican) and 3 or 4 where there was just no mutual spark. I could put a spreadsheet together but that kind of ruins the romance :)

There hasn't been anyone yet where I really fancied them and they didn't fancy me back, luckily.

The Artist - well we've only spent 3 hours together in person, exchanged 3 or 4 emails and spent 4 or 5 hours on the phone.

It doesn't feel perfect, but it feels nice enough. definitely worth a second date to see how we get on again, not ready to plan christmas with her yet.. although she seems to be thinking that way, or at least talking about what she's doing over the holidays. As I said, she's new to OD and everyone goes into it very excitedly, thinking 'ooh is he/she the One' - I did, and other people on here have done too. It's weird to be wanting to calm her down and say 'actually I may not be, let's just take it slowly'

Hi to Russian by the way. As far as your ex goes, I'd be more concerned about the smashing up the hotel room than the porn video, to be honest - everyone experiments in college, as they say. And why do you need to explain it to your kids? You don't need to bring out the DVD at christmas, they'd never find it. The hotel room incident is a bit weird though. I've been bored in hotel rooms, yes - and I've stayed in a lot of them. And one time I broke the shower rail by accident. But smashing it up implies someone who loses control or damages stuff for the hell of it, which isn't exactly a decent thing to do.

And as nature said, 30 is plenty of time. You're old enough to be thinking seriously about kids but way too young to be worrying.

I could put a spreadsheet together but that kind of ruins the romance

I don't know, I quite like a good pivot table myself.

No, seriously, while I think it's unlikely that thunderbolts=ex issues it seems we've all learned that thunderbolts don't necessarily mean happily ever after either...for whatever reason. Sigh, thunderbolts are nice though. And sometimes it can feel like awfully hard work to actually take the time to get to know someone (but maybe that's just me at the moment).

So 2nd, possibly even 3rd date sounds good. Especially as you and Kirsty seem to be the only ones having much luck at the moment!

Hi everyone Just caught up now but will have to write proper mahoosive post later.
Poppy - been there. Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes you have to get to that point before it becomes clear you are wasting your time.
Snape - no finger-wagging from me over Vol-Au-Twat. You will look back at laugh though as he languishes in lonely misery later on.
Watch Hope things get better sweetie. Wish we could all visit your ex and have a quiet word with a cattle prod.
Western How were comms between you before all this? Sorry if you've said. Was he the type to talk about feelings?
On some of the stuff I've read here recently. It's interesting doing the dating thing completely sober. I met DP for breakfast at my gym, on a Sunday. There were no fireworks, but I'd been there, done that so I wasn't looking for them.
I also told him that, having been in an abusive relationship I wanted to take my time. I was at the point where I just thought "This is what I want and need, so if you don't like it, tough" He was fine with it. I think he appreciated knowing what was going on.
I didn't kiss him till date 6 and by then I was ready to go for it. I just happened to have the whole night
Things are going pretty well, have met his friends, he has invited DD and I for Xmas and is now talking about keys, which was a surprise but a nice one.

I dunno, It seems like I broke all the rules. I did know what I wanted though, as well as what I didn't. And hoping I am not coming across as smug, I have had my moments thinking it was all going to go to shit, It takes a while to relax and am still not quite there yet.

I am not counting any chickens Yoga .. He may disappear after Lunch.. I may not enjoy Lunch chezAudit .. We'll just have to see

If it doesn't work out then there are plenty more fish on POF and the other sites

Good morning everyone! Feeling better today although contracts still not signed . I am consciously trying not to get stressed about this though - after all, what can I do? Nothing. The only thing that worrying and fretting is doing is making me feel bad. I'm trying to apply this more generally to my life . . .

Bantam - the Artist sounds promising so far, and you never know, you/she might be "The One". A bit of calm and steadiness is good, though - I get a bit nervous about too much excitement . . .

Poppy - so sorry to hear things aren't going well. Please don't beat yourself up. Like other people have said, you've not done the slightest thing wrong. It's so hard, I know, to keep your chin up after something like this, but take a while to recover and be kind to yourself.

Sponge - how's the new job going today? So glad life's looking up.

Kirsty - wow!! Things are moving on with the auditor pretty quickly! Glad things are going so well for you.

Snape - enjoy the prof, should perk you up a little . . .

Well, after yesterday's agonising about LM, got home to find a missed call from him, called back and he was doing bathtime so didn't speak until later on. Had a good hour chatting on the phone, which is unusual for me as I'm not all that good with phones (I know that sounds strange but I much prefer to talk face-to-face or else message/text), and it was nice chatting, funny, friendly stuff. He seems to be feeling quite well! Is back at the hospital later this week. We're meeting up on Thursday and I'm very much looking forward to it.

I am going to try and keep to my resolution about not worrying and over-analysing, not just with men but with all sorts of things. I need to get back to my old self, and it will come. I know I have a lot of strength inside and all I need to do is clear away this awful cobwebby layer of worry and stress. Thanks to everyone for putting up with my whittling!

That's great your mind has been put at rest OWW

Hopefully your ex will get his finger out soon xx

I am consciously not looking at the sweet trolley. But it keeps winking at me..

I was very good bant I got a message from a cop who lives about 2 streets away who I'd been chatting to before but I told him I have met someone I like and am going to are how that goes

I listened to what you'd said about what you would do if it was RL dating instead of OD ..

I have a question, mr wine who I saw sat and sun eve (2nd and 3rd date) dropped into conversation that he's actually 38 not 34 as stated on his profile. Now I don't mind the age (makes him 10 yrs older than me) but it's the issue of not being straight. He claimed he did it because ppl tend to search within brackets, 30-35, etc. But I'm still a bit hmmm. What do you think?

He's waiting for me to say yes to fri depending on babysitting, but he hasn't texted since I texted him after getting home on sun, so I thought that was a bit weird too.

kirsty isn't it nice to have things planned? Sounds like you're getting on welll

poppy hope you're feeling better todayh

oww ahh glad LM has come through, at least you can relax a bit now, and fingers crossed papers get signed!

bant I'm also like that with OD newbies now, I actually groan inwardly when I learn they are new to it, because it is easy to get carried away with the excitement in the beginning. But I think my coolness can sometimes be perceived as lack of interest. It's a tricky one to balance.

You mean like this Bantam winking ?

Good morning all.

Kirsty

Bantam The Artist does sound very keen, I wouldn't worry about not being blown away (no pun intended), that has almost never happened to me although I have certainly had a good feeling about someone which develops.

My thing with ironman is going well too! We've had 8 dates in 11 days.

Ooh natureslaw that must be a record!!

Well I'm not sure we're dating anymore
I've been reading with interest bant's theories of OD, ironman and I got together in slightly unusual circumstances and I wonder whether that helped somehow.
Certainly, there would still have been a spark and I think we would have liked each other but the outcome may have been different.

questions I've dropped 2 years on my OKC - initially to go along with the honey-trappiness of it all, but also to be a little bit nearer 40. I used to be very condemnatory of folk who fib about their age. I told the prof as soon as I met him (I'd also said I was 2 inches shorter..) and we laughed because he'd shaved off two years as well. 10 years older than you is a bit of a gap - i wouldn't be happy with that..

nice texting with the prof last night - dinner on thursday confirmed. good fun as nothing can happen because he has what is described as an on/off gf, but he is delightful company and i feel it's only fair that he has an indication of what he is missing. it's not like they live together or have been going out for years or anything seriously serious. it's only dinner. i'm going so that I can be appreciated...as this seldom happens these days. [huff] I feel I'm justifying it to myself, but it's really friends who had fab-sex twice having a nice dinner.

Also, can't remember if i said, but my grievance wasn't upheld, so I have to appeal - so wrote that this morning. have applied for three jobs with much improved pay. DS1 still not great - he's off school so far this week, we're aiming at two days this week - three next week etc. I'm waiting to hear from CAMHS.