I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

God I sound about six there. He's much bigger than me, a foot taller nearly & it is an unnerving sight when he gets angry. Even when it's not directed at me.

Do you change your behaviour because you are frightened ? What would he do if you didn't ?

I just do nothing. Quiet and still. I don't know what he would do but he has never made me think he will hit me.

This is awful

He is a gaslighter. You really need to get out. He is damaging you.

In your own words:
He is insanely jealous
He punishes me for the nice things other people say about me
He is controlling
He scares me
He doesn't let me have friends
He doesn't let me talk to people at work
He sulks
He gets really angry

GO. You have no children to complicate it. JUST GO.

You obviously think you somehow 'deserve' all this. Not true. Go now and you can have a better life. This is no way to live.

Op this might sound harsh (but please bare with me while I explain) but you do sound like a child. Completely. You are 30ish not a child by any stretch of the imagination.

But I think he is a big part of this. He wants to keep you feeling like a child, because children tend not to have the courage to run away from someone they love regardless how they treat them. Many kids love their abusive parents completely and don't want to be taken from them.
Kids don't have the emotional maturity to express themselves and make big decisions for themselves like leaving home.
Alot of examples you have given about him, are similar to how I treat my dd. For example when your dh doesn't want you to go in the staff room at work because yiu might hear something rude. I don't want my dd hearing people rude stuff, BUT I would not stop her socialising with her school friends just in case. And school kids come up with all sorts of crap.
I give my dd more freedom, than this man wants you to have. My dd is 8 and sounds more independent than you.

But its not to late to change it. I earlier said counselling or leave. But honestly (and i don't say this usually) but leave the bastard. Its not just a trust issue that can be worked through. He is abusing you.

Nora, thank you very much for your posts. I understand and am genuinely listening/taking on board everything everyone is saying.
I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me and it will take me a while (probably a couple of months) to get my head around this to the extent where I can leave. I have the yellow pages site open on my computer right now to find a counsellor.

I'll ask again - why do you love him?

Because when he isn't exhibiting this behaviour (nearly a week now) he is nice and kind and loving. It's just this behaviour is getting more frequent.

@ MrsMorton

I was looking at this granite worktop online last night and thinking of the backs of your old man's hands in about 10 years.

Just saying like.

Come on poppet, he's a bit of an arse inne?

Yes he is.

Do you want to saddle yourself with an ageing arse, love ?

I would suggest womensaid for a chat in the first instance , having read this through. The basis of the start of your relationship has little to do with where you are both at now , 7 years down the line... OP , WALK AWAY this isn't a loving marriage , you live on your nerves , isolated and in fear of when he will flip next, am I right? get out.... just do it , you have years ahead of you to find a good wholesome relationship.... this man is not it , and he will never change ( nor is it your fault ) Don't take on the judgement of the bashers on here , you opened this thread for support... not abuse. I have my own opinions of OW scenarios , as my other thread currently will demonstrate.... but I see no benefit in raking over your history to use against you and your situation as it stands now.. today .... get some support thru womensaid/on here ... and start looking at it with fresh eyes , not guilty self hating ones.

Oh and by the way.... shouting is violent behaviour... you don't need to take a punch for it to be domestic violence.

No. I thought I knew what I wanted when I was younger. Hindsight!!

And now you know.... I am quite alot older than you , but still too young to settle for a crap relationship... take some steps , gently , to face leaving this... x

This man is a total cunt. You are the same age as me and I'm only just settling down now, you have plenty of time to ditch this man and find a nicer one, or find happiness by yourself.

The shouting and the anger are domestic violence too. He intimidates you to let you know what he's capable of, and to keep you in line. And what's more - it works.
You will no doubt be regulating your own behaviour so as not to set him off. You will keep schtum about things you want to bring up with him, and curtailing your own life and desires to keep him on an even keel.
That's abuse mate. That's what it's all about.
He diminishes you so he can keep you where he wants you.
A good partner sets you free...did you know that?

You make your bed .......

Apologies for harsh response - apologies if that sounds harsh but is a response from a wife whose husband has recently had an affair so I am very bitter at the moment

I haven't read past your post so I don't know what other people have suggested - from my point of view, if something is wrong/making you unhappy talk about it with him

or simply walk away from him - and move on

Stopthepidgeon - this thread is in Relationships, not Aibu. You might be wise to read a thread before posting harsh knee jerk reactions.

Stopthepidgeon don't be so rude to post without reading, if you cannot be bothered to read thread then please don't be bothered to post.

OP I know it sounds hard to just give up everything and walk away, have you got somewhere to go? Would he move out? It's all very well for us to say leave him but your tied to him in some extent with the house. Is is PR or mortage? Can you save a stash of money first or leave on your payday?

This makes me so

Now you've got the yellow pages open make that call to get yourself a counsellor.

You absolutely deserve better. No-one ever, ever deserves to feel scared, undermined and so alone. I have had my heart broken, my future trampled on by an OW. Unfortunately, I was vulnerable as a result and walked into the situation you are in. I thought I deserved it so tried to fix it. It just escalated and escalated whatever I did. It was like a living death. Neither you or I, or anyone else in this position, deserved it. We were "selected" because we were identified as pliable and a lack of self-esteem and guilt keeps you there.

Take your future for yourself. Imagine the things your 20 year old self wanted to do. Go do them. You're only a youngster still, I'm 10 years ahead of you and I can tell you a life of joy, laughs, friends, family and peace is absolutely possible despite stupid mistakes in your 20's.