Twirling body builders, dominant alpha males and been hurt in the past-Dating thread part 29

[Milkandlotsandlotsofwine]

Took the liberty of starting a new thread.

Off you go ladies and gents...

I think this is a major problem with online dating - maybe the major problem.

It's like being a kid in a sweetshop.

I know some daters are married, some get scared and don't want 'commitment', some people go back to an ex or something and that's why they drop off the radar. But it's the constant barrage of new potential opportunities which are in their face even while they're dating that causes most problems I think.

If you compare it to the real world, lets say you're at a dinner party, or a bar, or a friends barbecue, and there's a cute stranger who's smiling at you. So you get chatting. You like him/her, you exchange numbers, maybe a quick snog if you have absolutely no shame :) And you date, and you date, and you move in, get married, have kids etc. Maybe.

But, if you're at that same barbecue and while you're having flirtatious glances with him there are 25 other nice looking blokes winking at you, and 25 other women smiling at him, and when you chat to him, he's chatting to the others at the same time too, and you're chatting to some of the others guys. Some of whom are slightly better looking, or funnier, or taller than the one you were just talking to. But then you find out one of them doesn't like opera so it's doomed because you looove opera. But - one of them is slightly better, or at least asks you out first.

And when you go on a date with him to a nice restaurant you look out of the window and 3 or 4 of those women from the barbecure are still there smiling and having a conversation through the glass with the guy about their date next tuesday. And at the other window there are 4 or 5 guys looking at you, waving, and one of them is reeeeally lovely...

Is it any wonder the failure rate is high?

Maybe bant in ethicaldating.com world, you're only allowed to date a new person once every 2 weeks? And once you've reached a threshold of 4 maybe 5 dates with one particular date you're not allowed to date anyone else?

I've thought about those things, questions, yes. Putting a limit on dates per week is a bit harsh though.

But that means you can only communicate through the site, not via text or personal email.

It could definitely do something like hold all winks/messages in a queue once you've arranged a date with someone - and you can see whether the other person has done that too.

Bant I have always been completely honest about wether I am chatting to more than one person or not as the case may be. Also if I have more dates lined up.

Also try not to get into the texting crap, but find alot of online men want it. Saying that I never agonise over wether to text or not, game playing is not my thing. I refuse to get drawn in.

Maybe I am too black and white for OD.

But that's my point, 48, if you met someone in real life, you'd be unlikely to have other dates lined up. And the person you met would be unlikely to, also. It's not a case of being honest about whether you do or not, it's a case that people who have a huge multitude of options to choose from are very rarely able to make a decision. I had the date with the therapist last night, who if I'd met at a party I might think was lovely and interesting. But I met her online, so I know in the back of me head 'maybe the venezuelan is cuter or funnier, and there was that woman closer to me who seems nice too, who I'm trying to arrange a date with at some point if this doesn't work out, and oh yes the one who winked at me this morning. Maybe I should contact her'

This isn't because I'm a cad or heartless or anything, it's just if I can see all the tempting things on the sweet trolley then the apple pie in front of me doesn't look so delicious. No matter how great it may be. So I need to not see the trolley and focus on the apple pie. Turn off winks, turn off notifications, not go onto the site until things have failed with whoever I'm dating. Too much choice makes things worse, not better.

And no I am not equating women with food.

Thing is, when you meet someone amazing, even after one date, you don't want to or have any interest in meeting or chatting to any newbies...well that's how I feel. It's only happened to me once and maybe I'm naïve in hoping it will happen again...eventually...maybe...oh who am I kidding

So with mr wine, we had a good first date, and importantly he's done all the right things afterwards to make me feel there's potential for more dates - texted the next day, set up next date pretty soon, no sexting - that I'm quite happy not to go online until I figure him out a bit more. At this point I'm not emotionally invested - it's only been one date - but even if it all crashes and burns next week, well I'll be back online then.

Feeling very blue, sent my email over 6 hours ago and nothing! Pretty sure he will have received it straight away as they go straight to his phone. He always sends me a hi, have a great day text in the morning, didn't get that either and sent him a text an hour ago saying 'its now officially to late to say morning back to me! So afternoon! with a sticky out tongue and nothing back .... Not unusual for a couple of hours delay to texts from him but completely out of character for complete and absolute silence! surely that email can't of sent him running for the hills?

Cracking analysis bant. The trouble is, the most effective way to self-limit is to hide your profile for the period from lining up a date until after it has happened and flopped. But when that scenario was raised on here by a datee the reaction was "OMG he has decided to marry you before even meeting you avoid at all costs".

I don't hide my profile, I just don't log in, therefore sweet trolley is gone from my sight completely. I know it's still there, what's the rush? Don't plan on marrying anyone anytime soon either!

after chatting to Match Man, and he commented on my long hair, and I had to tell him I'd had it cut, I changed my profile picture to the short hair one. The he sent me a message, saying why are you updating your profile if we have a date on Tuesday..... I said because I hadnt given it a thought that Id had my hair cut and want my profile to be honest.....

then he backed out of the date anyway... so I think I would leave my profile on until had a few dates with somebody and it seemed to be going somewhere..

Oh I'm not saying you should delete the profile, or even hide it necessarily. Just don't look at it. Don't continue emailing other people or winking or responding to them. Don't log in (as questions says).

Don't look at the sweet trolley until you've decided the apple pie is not for you.

Someone deleting their profile because they've met you and you're perfect is a red flag. Hiding it is not, in fact it's possibly a smart thing to do.

But there's no way you can really say 'Look, I like you, we've had one date. Please don't log in again and message other people' without coming across as a bunny boiler or overly full-on. Even though things are more likely to work out that way.

skye - him asking 'why are you updating your profile' implies that he may be a bit of a control freak. You can do whatever the hell you want with your profile until you both agree to delete them, several dates down the line.

Ah skye that's weird that he'd not expect you to be online before you've even met!

lulu try not to panic, I can't imagine that email would send him running.

I'm not sure the sweet trolley analogy fits for me. When I find someone online I feel particularly interested in I definitely lose interest in logging on/chatting to new people/winking/etc until I have a better idea of what's happening with the first one. I think for me the problem may be that I'm looking for different things online than I would be attracted to in person. Or maybe I'm too taken in by the description because I can't use all my senses to judge...

So I'm reading the menu and there's an glossy photo of a piece of chocolate cake. It's described as a rich, gooey fudge cake with hot chocolate sauce, beautiful, sweet, red strawberries and lots of whipped cream. And I think yes, that's it, I'll have that. But in reality the cake is a little bit dry and the sauce is too sweet and it's not really hitting all the right spots that just make me go mmmmm.

But then I'm at someone's house. And they've just baked some banana bread. With pecans. And it's only banana bread - it's brownish. It doesn't have any sauce or berries or cream. But I can smell it and it smells amazing. And when I touch it it's all soft and spongy. And when I put it in my mouth it goes really well with my Ccoffee....

I tend to find that once I've tasted the apple pie (unless it wasnt particularly good) my appetite for other desserts is diminished and all I want is apple pie.

What you seem to be saying Bant is that when you try the apple pie your appetite for other deserts is increased?

I never trust the menu yoga 'suck it and see' is the only way to find out...oh sorry couldnt resist the obvious joke :o

Bant I do get where you are coming from.
If I decide someone is worth chatting to exclusively, I arrange a time to meet online and go straight into IM.

I do not browse. Hate shopping

That's how I do it, but I would never say it to my date, that hey I don't want you logging in anymore. He should work out what how he wants to proceed himself, would much prefer to be someone who can figure these things out for themselves. Plus with not logging in, I don't actually know what he's doing. So it takes away that particular headfuck too - oh no he's been online must mean he's chatting/going out with others.

yoga that sounds about right, you need the menu first then you try what you've ordered, if you don't like you send it back and ask for something else

no mercury, I'm saying that originally I may have wanted all the desserts equally, then I chose one which might be best, but seeing all the others there doesn't make them undesirable. They still look nice.

I should make sure I don't have the sweet trolley next to my table wafting sweet banana-bready goodness at me. If the apple pie is bad, I pick up the menu again, but looking at the chocolatey sauce and fruity-salady goodness while I'm trying to focus on the apple pie isn't doing the apple pie justice.

I think we've all got somewhat similar and somewhat different approaches to online dating. But the sweet trolley analogy may be the reason behind so many men (and women) vanishing or changing their minds.

question My point is, the problem with OD is that just based on looking at the menu i might never order the banana bread. But actually, I reaallly like banana bread. With nuts. And Coffee.

Is anyone else hungry?

I quite fancy a sausage roll :)

Ha! I want cake.

Oh yes I agree yoga but banana bread isn't on the menu at that restaurant, so you couldn't order it. Pop to the cafe next door and you can have some. So it's a problem but also a benefit with OD that you get to try desserts you wouldn't have had the option of in the cafe. Doesn't mean you can't still go get some banana bread, too.

And you're right too bant, but maybe in a way that's good. Everyone hates disappearers, but after you get over the rudeness of it tbh you wouldn't want to be with anyone so fickle.

Ok I really need something sweet now!

I think your sweet trolley is a good analogy Bant...but also online dating is new, we've not had time to adapt and find ways of making it work, in part the ways we handle it are steered by the designs and features of the sites.
Perhaps these will improve?
Then again paid sites will want to maximise their profits, those aims are going to be best served if the customers keep on looking and paying memberships...rather than if they find what they want quickly and easily.

On the 'girls date for free sites' the men are lured in by the promise of easy no strings sex with attractive women, for most of the men this just doesnt happen,
The women ignore them alot of the time or are so overwhelmed with messages that they cant respond to them.
But the guys keep coming back and paying the subscription because they get just enough response to give them hope.
The site also sends out fake messages from female profiles