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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

does age matter?

42 replies

Flojo1979 · 12/11/2012 16:43

I know the man I am dating is considerably older than me but just found out he's a lot other than I thought.
Feel like it could be a deal breaker, but for all the wrong reasons, like I'd be embarrassed to tell anyone etc, sounds awful I know.
We have common interests and he seems nice.
Does age really matter?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 12/11/2012 16:44

*older (not other)

OP posts:

CailinDana · 12/11/2012 16:49

It can do IME, especially when the man is much older than the woman. For some reason it seems to be common in relationships like this for the man not to have much respect for the woman, perhaps because of ingrained sexist views that a woman of a similar age wouldn't put up with? Even if that's not the case, if the age gap is big then you have to factor in the reality that the older partner might not want children, or want them sooner, they will retire earlier, reach "old age" and all that goes with it sooner, etc etc. Plenty of age gap relationships do work but they have more hurdles to begin with than relationships without an age gap.

How much older than you is he?

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 12/11/2012 16:53

He's 50 next yr. I think that's what's putting me off, such a big milestone age that I haven't even considered.
I thought he was about 45 but somehow 50 seems so much older.

OP posts:

Conflugenglugen · 12/11/2012 17:12

Flojo - Just my own experience: I am 41 and I did a lot of dating in the past year: two men were my age, and two were 53. I found the age gap too big in terms of different interests and outlooks in some fundamental ways. I am not saying this is true for everyone, or even for the majority, but it has definitely influenced my choice about age range in dating situations.

VoiceofUnreason · 12/11/2012 17:14

When I was 27 I met my ex - she was 38. Made no difference for first few years but it did eventually become an issue. Not what other people thought but how we behaved. She wanted to stay in all the time and developed a sort of "been there, done that, now just want to sit in or potter in the garden" sort of attitude. That sounds awful, just trying to find a quick way of saying it.

We split up 2.5 years ago but should done it earlier. I wouldn't go out with someone with that big an age gap again.

izzyizin · 12/11/2012 17:17

50 is the new 30 for women - I'm not sure if this applies to males of the species but, fwiw, how much older than you is he?

cogitosum · 12/11/2012 17:17

I've got a 17 year gap with my dh and we're incredibly happy! I think it depends on a lot of factors. We both knew we wanted children, have similar goals etc. he's also physically very fit (does a lot of sport and eats well) so probably fitter than me!

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/11/2012 17:22

I'm in a relationship with an older man. It doesn't matter to us personally and we're very happy.

Are you sure it's his age (the real one) that's bothering you rather than the fact he lied about it? I can understand why you're a bit...perturbed. He obviously thought those extra 5 years would make a difference to you otherwise he wouldn't have fibbed. But he probably did it with the best intentions not because he's a loon.

If you still like him just see how it goes. As I said,in my experience age doesn't matter except when he behaves like a teenager . Only you can tell if it matters to you or not.

B1ueberryMuff1n · 12/11/2012 17:25

I think it matters yes. I went out with a man ten years older than I am and that was ok. OK because we never had a future and both knew that. But I certainly wouldn't want to be entering into a long term thing with a man who was much older than. There are a lot of people on MN who get incredibly defensive if you give your opinion on this though. Had strips torn off me a few days ago by a few posters who take it so personally! They take it as a criticism of their own relationship and can't accept that it's just not for everybody. In fact, it's not for most people. I agree 100% with CailinDana.

I agree with OP though, although this sounds dreadful, I was self-conscious about him around my friends as, well, it was just more awkward than if he'd only been about 3 or 4 years older.

B1ueberryMuff1n · 12/11/2012 17:27

I'm guessing you're 33. If that's the case then he's too old for you! you're still young. Don't settle.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/11/2012 17:29

B1ueberry. Are we going to have to go throught the whole "women in age gap relationships are not settling,ugly,thick or insecure" rigmarole again?!!!

B1ueberryMuff1n · 12/11/2012 17:30

I don't know, are we?

How about you just LET me get on with having an opinion.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/11/2012 17:39

I would if it wasn't actually offensive. Because you do actually attack other people in age gap relationships.

Do you think that because I am in an age gap relationship I insist all my friends are? That I insist it is right for everybody and if they don't agree,that they are wrong? I mean really?

I am perfectly capable of being objective,and so I was in my first post.

Anyway,having looked at your post again OP. I would evaluate how you feel about this man carefully,especially if you are feeling uncomfortable about telling your friebds. Age isn't just a number to everybody. And there's nothing wrong with that. I look at some of my OH's friends and think "I would never date you". I never expected to find myself happy with an older man. It's about the person in question. That's true of all relationships.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/11/2012 17:41

I've just turned 50 and I do have to say that most of the men I've met my age and a bit above are set in their ways boring old farts!

Just see how it goes, he may be young at heart.

B1ueberryMuff1n · 12/11/2012 18:01

Alisvolatpropiis, stop making everything so personal. And stop responding to every post I make with a personal attack. Actually, in fairness to you it was boobalot who called me a tit and a bastard and so on and so on. But please, the OP asked a question and I gave my opinion, same as you. Leave it at that. Please stop responding to my posts and I'll ignore yours!

janelikesjam · 12/11/2012 18:30

It doesn't matter if he is very rich.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/11/2012 18:32

B1ueberry...but I don't disagree with all your posts! I'd rather hope you don't disagree with all of mine.

But yes,on this issue,it is probably for the best.

WarmFuzzyFun · 12/11/2012 18:36

jane

purpleroses · 12/11/2012 18:37

I have the opposite experience of voiceofunreason - met my ex when I was 22 and he was 34 and it felt like we had a lot in common. But I was still growing up and changing a lot at that time, whereas he was (in my opinion looking back now) stuck in adolescence and never going to grow up. We were kind of on different trajectories. Split up when I was 29, and he found himself a new even younger partner. He's still pretending he's a teenager now he's nearly 50. So I was right for him at the time, but we were never going to grow older together. I think you do need to ask yourself why someone would be interested in a much younger partner.

WakeyCakey · 12/11/2012 18:45

I have a 19 year age gap. It has never bothered me. I have a dsd from the relationship and hopefully some dcs in the not so distant future.
Please try not to listen to B1ueberry who has been quite abusive to those of us in age gap relationships.
You do what is best for the two of you, no one else matters.
If at the end of the day the gap puts you off then it probably isn't right for you. But you have to decide that.

Age doesn't really matter, its all about the way they treat you and the way you feel about them. Don't let people's comments about 'settling' affect your decisions

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 12/11/2012 18:50

Can I just clear up a few things. He didn't lie about his age, I've known him since I was 20 and we were married (to someone else). I just guess age wrongly and when I finally asked how old he would be next time, he hesitated and then told me it was the big 5 0.
Physically, he's in much better shape than me. He does enduro racing, for those that aren't familiar with this, the clue is in the title endurance racing, 12 gruelling hours on the track, u need to be uber fit for it. In fact i'm more worried I wouldn't keep up! but I've yet to find out!
Maturity wise, its hard to gauge, in some ways he comes across as quite immature, choosing to spend his wkends getting trollied in the pub (which isn't me) and in other ways he acts his age.

OP posts:

NoMoreDoormat · 12/11/2012 18:51

If you're 33 like someone else said Then i'm more or less in the same situation as you. I'm the same age as you but the man i'm dating is 55. We get along absolutely fantastic, have so much in common and have an amazing sex life. We share the same sense of humour and we both enjoy going out and having fun. He's physically fit and I find him so attractive, I can honestly say he's the best thing to have happened me in a long time.

Anyway, sorry for rambling there. I'm just trying to let you know that big age gaps aren't always a disaster and just because he's 50 doesn't mean he's a boring old fart! It depends on how you feel about him at the end of the day.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 12/11/2012 18:54

Yes i'm 33 (on Wednesday)
We have stuff in common, like we both enjoy gigs, we are going seeing the Levs on saturday.
We both ride motorbikes.
And he's great around my DCs, he's the kind of guy who'd roll his sleeves up and tumble around on the floor with them.
But I just wish he was 10 yrs younger if not more!

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 12/11/2012 19:07

The age gap will widen though flojo, depends what you want.

Friend of mine has been with a man who's 15 years older than her for 7 years, she's now 44 and he's coming up 60, it's becoming more and more noticeable for her. She want's fun still and he wants his slippers and a cup of horlicks at the weekend by 11.

izzyizin · 12/11/2012 19:10

Maybe he wishes you were 10 years older or same age as him?

If a man - or woman for that matter - gets to 50 with a young in heart attitude, up for new experiences, not ready to 'retire' from life and plonk themselves in front of the box for the duration, the chances are that they'll retain an enquiring mind throughout and be more than a match for younger partners.

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