does age matter?

[Flojo1979]

I know the man I am dating is considerably older than me but just found out he's a lot other than I thought.
Feel like it could be a deal breaker, but for all the wrong reasons, like I'd be embarrassed to tell anyone etc, sounds awful I know.
We have common interests and he seems nice.
Does age really matter?

Oh I see OP. I'd just see how it goes to be honest. It might turn into a friendship rather than a relationship quite of it's own accord.

Clipped your friends OH would get on well with me! My parents always said I was 4 going on 40,stands to reason I'm now 24 going on 60? :)

*not the Horlicks though

Hello all
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Laughs at Alis.

It just depends doesn't it huh, different strokes for different folks and all that.

I dated a guy a while back now when I was 40 and he was about 12 years younger than me, it was a real ego boost, that's for sure but after about 2 years I sort of got older and he seemed far too young so I ended it.

So true Clipped :)

I've just left my husband, who is 14 years older than me. He was controlling and permanently in disapproving mode. I do partly blame the age gap, which has got bigger over the past 15 years. I am 41 now and he is 55.

But you can't generalise. My stbxh is into gigs and motorbikes too, but I am not. We didn't have that many interests in common. We have different outlooks on many things. But love is blind, isn't it? And he changed enormously when we had children - went from someone who liked staying up late and having a line of coke or two to an ultra-responsible Victorian father.

Carefully examine your attitudes towards things and make sure you are compatible. Consider how you will feel when he is 60, not 50, as the years will fly by. If you are anything like me, and you may not be at all, you might find when you hit 40 that it's a big turning point, and you are not ready to settle into 'middle age' without a fight or without having a massive mid-life crisis

How well do you mix with each other's friends? Is he disapproving of yours? My husband was of mine, and I never felt they could mix well with him. He seemed, well, old and I felt a bit embarrassed by this. I ended up spending time with his friends all the time and felt old before my time. How will you feel about going to a load of 50th birthday parties, 25th wedding anniversaries, etc?

How do you think he will respond to having children if you want them?

These are all the big issues. It's not the age itself, many age-gap relationships work well. But it depends on the individuals and their outlook. Age is one of the issues, but if there are no other issues it isn't a problem

FWIW I get what you say about 50 seeming 'old'. I hated it when my husband turned 50, I just felt so young compared with him. If you feel like this now, consider how you will feel when he is 55, 60, 65. Consider all these things very carefully. There is a new thread on here where a young woman (29) is stuck in a miserable relationship with a 15-years-older husband who sounds so much like mine.

It's me that prefers slippers and a brew to stilettos n wine!

Hmm, so he likes to get trollied in the pub and you don't but you're younger than him. Maybe you just don't really "fit" anyway?

Well he's just told me he's got my bday present for Wednesday (he seems more excited about it than me) ....so I'm sure a few more days just to see if we fit won't hurt...

I guess it depends on the people and the age gap.

I've been seeing a guy that's 20 years older than me, which has been so perfect for the 8 months or so it's been and we've been friends 3 years. But I always worry about when he's 60 I'll be 40 (if he even makes it to that as his family don't have a history of living into old age ) he'll retire and want to go travelling or move somewhere remote but I'll still have 20 years of working left

my dh has just turned 50 and he is not boring or set in his ways

we don't have a large age gap, but I do think it is about individuals not the miles on the clock

I agree entirely with AF - my DH is approaching 53, I'm 42, and the almost 11 years between us has never been an issue. He's not boring, or old, or finished with having fun - it really is down to the individual. Yes, he looks older than I do - but not significantly ( and he's definitely improved with age, he wears his years very well indeed) He fits in with my friends as I do with his, and other than teasing him sometimes about the fact that I started primary school the same year he started work, it never occurs to either of us.

I was awkward about it years ago - and yes, some of my 20 year old friends thought that my then 30 year old boyfriend was ancient - but it's worked for us.

LOL OP! There's not point in making him take the present back now he's bought it! ;)

Libra I sometimes think about that with my Oh,because his mother only just got to 70 by the skin of her teeth. But it's a different generation,every generation lives longer than the last. Plus,as I cheerily think to myself,I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. but seriously,nobody knows what could happen in the future. Enjoy now and see how it goes :)

Alis - Haha yes I too often have the "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow" thought. Yes I will

OP I think you should see how it goes with him. He sounds as if he has a lot of positive qualities - same interests, fit and healthy, good with your DCs, and you know each other well. Put the age factor aside and enjoy your time together! Maybe it will turn into something more, maybe it won't work out, but you won't know unless you try, iyswim?

I met my DH when I was 21, and he was 28, so not a massive difference in ages but we did get some people who were rather judgemental about us. Tbh, they got even more judgemental as our relationship went on...they didn't appreciate being wrong!

Differences help sometimes. For example, I am utterly teetotal myself, DH enjoys a drink. I like to dance, DH hates it. So he has a drink, I go dancing. We meet up afterwards. The thing is, if we were exactly the same on everything, we wouldn't fit as well. It's like a jigsaw: the picture needs to line up but the pieces can't all be the same shape or it won't assemble.

Good luck and hope you enjoy your birthday

My ex and I had a 16-year gap between us and it was very noticeable, but that was generally due to his attitude - he was like someone upthread described - extremely old-fashioned and sexist in his views. We would never have gone the distance even if he hadn't been a misogynist arsehole. Had he been more modern in his outlook then there might have been hope for us in the future.

I didn't notice any difference in terms of 'looking older' - I'd always thought that he was younger than he was before I found out his actual age. Plus he'd always been adamant that he didn't want kids, and I found my own views changing towards the end of our relationship.

On a more positive note: I certainly wouldn't rule out a relationship with an older man in the future!