Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ginny pigs prove the options are of limited quality - Dating thread 28

999 replies

lubeybooby · 11/11/2012 18:45

New one - chit chat all dating stuff here.

Off you go! :o

OP posts:
OneMoreGo · 15/11/2012 10:41

delurking to say , that sounds great as a message bantam. I hope you hear back from her. personally I would have given her a ring within a day or two just to say hi, but maybe that's not how you two roll. Anyway, fingers crossed for you bant.

Yogagirl17 · 15/11/2012 10:43

Secret go on your other date, if mushroom man is interested he should be phoning you.

Bantam what everyone else said

Lubey - chicken & bacon baguette, is it lunch time yet....? yoga goes off to forage in the fridge

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/11/2012 10:43

bant- thats much better

bantamrooster · 15/11/2012 10:46

so at what point do I ask for the picture of her naked?

NicholasTeakozy · 15/11/2012 10:56

Yoga, is this Giraffe Man? :o

Secret, just cut Mushroom Man adrift, he's too much like hard work.

Slightly, your chap is waving red flags at you.

Good luck Bantam.

roundwindow · 15/11/2012 10:59

Hi y'all,

I hope it's OK for a long-time lurking newbie to come crashing in asking for advice...

I've been at this online dating lark for two months now. Two different sites. Have so far been on dates with 5 different men. 4 of whom were very sweet and pleasant but non-starters. Then there was The Glaswegian.

Met up with The Glaswegian 2 weeks ago. The initial flurry of e-mails blew my socks off: really connected over various things, funny, flirty, keen. So we met up, went for a few drinks, clearly fancied each other, got lovely and squiffy, he invited me back to his, I politely declined, all good.

Then the e-mails continued, once often two or three times daily. His tone became increasingly keen and romantic, I lapped it up (although wasn't quite reciprocating in the same vein, but definitely keeping my end up more through with than gushing). We were leading up to date no. 2, lots of talk about where we'd go etc. Both of us getting very excited. This was supposed to be Sunday just gone.

Late Saturday night, having only just sent me the most sweet and romantic e-mail the previous day where he was lyrical about my charms, hopeful about getting to know me more, all that, I get an e-mail saying he's been in bed all day with a cold and may have to cancel Sunday. I protested, saying was it a 'cold' or 'cold feet'? And he assured me it was really a cold, phoned me the next day to say he was too rough to meet etc.

I felt a bit hmmm but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But since, there has only been one very brief e-mail. And I just think: Bah. So maybe he's met someone else/got back together with ex/just simply gone off the whole idea. All fine. But why couldn't he just f**king tell me? I'm really struggling with the gulf between the daily, lengthy, romantic e-mails of the last two weeks and the tumbleweed of now.

So my question is: do I contact him to ask what went wrong? Or is that not the done thing? Is one just supposed to be tough enough to weather such gaping inconsistency as part of the deal when you do this internet dating? Because if that's the case, I guess I have to ask if I'm tough enough to deal with it. And the way I've been feeling the past few days my answer would be probably not :-(

Wisdom and enlightenment would be much appreciated.

Yogagirl17 · 15/11/2012 11:01

GIRAFFE MAN WASN'T MINE!!! (Think that was Juliette..?)

Anyway, I'm too short to date a giraffe...and too busy thinking about food.

snapespeare · 15/11/2012 11:05

no news from me date-wise....i suspect putting 'has kids' on the OKC profile serves to scare-away any potentials, although i managed to recive 'love the tats' Hmm from some bloke who is a 26% match. cheers. Hmm

money - shit awful, although someone very kind paid my bus-lane-fine, which is very much appreciated. Spoke to very nice woman who is offering the temp promotion at work, very encouraging.

DS1 was back at school yesterday, managed a day in student support and has given up and retreated to his bed. I am taking him to the GP tonight for a referral to CAMHS and potentially some medication, because this is actually ripping my heart out more than any man ever did. He wakes up crying, doesn't want to go outside, hates school, hates the little shits who call him a 'scottish paedophile' and throw stones at him. I've asked school to send his work home for the time being.

Dreamed of Voldemort last night. it was great, felt like home. I do know he's an insensitive, self-absorbed, shallow, cruel, emotionally flialing fuckmuppet, but when i'm asleep my subconcious disagrees. Curiously, in the dream we were post-notebook, had made it up to an extent - he was telling me about a girl he'd kissed, but that he couldn't fuck her as he regarded her as a sister and I wasn't jealous - I just felt sorry for them both. Hmm I still had the sense that he was a bit of a twat in the dream, but he was charming and funny and tactile as ever and it was nice to have that bit back, with the underlying understanding that he's a bit of a cunt.

too much going on with me other than a brief check-in, sumamry of stuff and wishing you all well. oh bant fingers X'd for you, but i think if you don't get a response then you have to leave it, it aint wurth it. watch get you all flirty-glam in smashing new job. sponge how are you ? :)

mercury7 · 15/11/2012 11:08

Round I have come across that kind of inconsistency...over keen to start with and then they abruptly cool off I suspect they were a bit high on the chase but couldnt sustain the pace.
I'd just leave it.
It's not so much that you have to be tough enough to deal with this kind of thing, more that you spot signs and learn to read people's online behavior so that you can manage it all more effectively

bantamrooster · 15/11/2012 11:13

window - it's frustrating. Sometimes people just.. drop off the radar. Either an ex came back into their lives, or some switch goes off in their head, or they remember they're married and while the chase is nice the catch is dangerous.

And yes, it would be good if people just gave an honest reason - but generally people don't like giving bad news, they take the cowards way out and just go silent, assuming you'll get the message.

Personally, sometimes I've called them on it, and even got a response, albeit several weeks later, but generally it disappears off into the ether and you're left feeling a bit silly. The most important thing is that it's not you, it's him. You didn't do anything wrong, it would be good to know why he went quiet just for the sake of closure but it wasn't anything you did.

Yes, you need to grow a thick skin to do it, it's going to happen sometimes, because people are strange. The alternative is hope you meet someone in real life, and the disappearing acts may happen then too..

Dating.. Shit, isn't it. Except when it's not. Those good times make all the bad times almost worthwhile. Several people on this thread have been together with people they've met online for months now, or longer - so it does work. Everyone goes through the bad stuff to begin with though.

I think your radar gets better the more you do it, so you can spot some things which you'd miss earlier on.

hatesponge · 15/11/2012 11:18

roundwindow welcome :)

the advice I will give will probably be at odds with that of a lot of others on the thread. for me, I know that I am like a dog with a bone. if someone disappears like this on me, it plays on my mind. Part of me thinks - have they been hit by a bus? have they lost my no? Have they text me and I've not received it?

I have realised that I need to send that further text as a means of closure, irrespective of whether it elicits a response. When I did this at the weekend, I instantly felt better. I didn't expect a reply (though I got one) but there was a sense of relief in sending something, with a delivery receipt so I knew he'd had it and it hadn't disappeared into the ether somewhere. I felt then as though I'd drawn a line under it.

I know everyone will probably say that you should just ignore etc, but I find that really hard. But for me, once that text is sent, I'm done and I wouldn't chase further for a response (unlike a former friend of mine who wrote a 6 page letter to a bloke she met in a pub and had been out with twice....)

The frustrating thing about this OD stuff (and this is where Bantams proposed ethical dating website comes in!) is that people do this stuff all the time - contact, contact, contact, then nothing. It is hard when it happens though, unfortunately it is fairly frequent. and tbh it's not limited to OD, it's happened to me with RL people too, the guy who stood me up in my own home being a particular low point...

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/11/2012 11:20

snape - i hope the gp can help. poor him and poor you. It must be awful for you both. Thinking of you.
also in regards to the work/ money thing. wrong time of year for these kind of issues....

roundwindow · 15/11/2012 11:21

bantam and mercury thank you so much for your supportive words. I feel a bit less lost already. A bit.

So now I'm off to work on building my radar (can I make one out of lego?) and growing my thicker skin. Could take a while, though.

It's funny, to begin with the whole thing was just a massive ego boost and I was all cocky and 'oooo, look at me dating and boys like me' and convincing myself that I'm brilliant at being sassily single now that I'm older. (I'm 39, was 25 the last time I was single, back then you just snogged people at parties and then they were your boyfriend, etc etc)

But this Glaswegian experience has brought me crashing down to earth and forced me to confront my ever-present, love-lost, overly-hopeful self. Oh well.

You're all lovely. x

roundwindow · 15/11/2012 11:25

sponge thank you too. Maybe I'll take a leaf out of your book. In fact, I'll raise you: I'm considering getting drunk later then calling him up and blowing raspberries down the phone at him.

How cool would that be?!

Just kidding. I am dignified personified. Honest.

bantamrooster · 15/11/2012 11:26

There you go - a christmas present idea for all of us. A lego twat radar.

Secretservice · 15/11/2012 11:28

Thanks all. On your unanimous advice I have messaged alternative date just waiting for a reply.

bantam my fingers are crossed for you

round I would probably want to find out why, but in the end knowing won't change anything, and gives him an ego massage he really doesn't deserve.

I am contemplating a Cajun chicken wrap, with a bag of hoola hoops

lubeybooby · 15/11/2012 11:34

Bantam that message was much better! Good luck hon.

Cripes this thread is moving fast today... off to attempt to catch up again!

OP posts:
hatesponge · 15/11/2012 11:36

watch fingers doubly crossed then re house! - hoping for it all to be confirmed by Monday so you can start organising the move etc. Have you spoken to DD about it at all, will she be needing to move schools or can she stay at her current one?

Totally understand with all that going on you don't have time for sites etc. Of course you never know something might happen spontaneously in RL Grin esp now you have a whole new crowd of colleagues to socialise with (if you're not too tired from work, moving etc)

snape poor DS1, I hope that GP/CAMHS can help. Are the school not doing anything? I fear so much my DS1 being targeted, he has what he refers to as 'banter' with his friends and gives as good as he gets, but it worries me. I know how teenagers pick mercilessly on anyone who is 'different' in any way, and I think it is simply luck that it hasnt happened to him so far.

From the dream it sounds as though maybe you are more at peace with the whole Voldie situation...is this maybe the acceptance stage? I hope you are feeling ok about it all. I know the DS1 stuff must make you miss Voldie more.

So, L(or not so L)C, I'd sort of avoided mentioning, because of fears of the chorus of disapproval....the update (such as it is) is that we're still in contact AND once he is feeling better I'll see him again, but this might not be for a while. It is depression, though I don't know the full details. It may be that when I see him again (or in the interim) he feels he's not in the right place for dating. I may feel once I know more about it all that its too much for me to get involved with. I know only at the moment that I'm not quite ready to write him off and would like to see how things pan out even though there's a fair chance it may come to nothing.

I'm not bothering with OD for the rest of the year, BUT I will be going out and doing lots with friends/work though so I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, or sitting around waiting for LC to call :)

pixwix · 15/11/2012 11:38

Snape sounds like there's loads going on for you at the mo - take care!

Bantam the revised version sounds fine Smile

Lubey It's great to see you here Smile I still remember having to resuscitate you in the kitchen that night - hows it all going? hows mini-lube? Gosh - is my birth story in MSN classics ? Blush

I sent shyboy a longish email explaining how I felt about things, the whys and wherefores, and not wanting to hurt him further down the line.

Last night, I got back a 6 page treatise urging he to reconsider, saying he was sure that wasn't what I was really feeling at all, that he didn't just want to be wanted for sex, that I was a bit 'wham-bam' and scared him off, that I'd been hurt in the past, and maybe this is where it's all coming from etc etc. Oh - and he wants to see me to go through it all.

I think I'm going to respond to his email, then leave it. I don't think after 7 dates I'm going to meet up with him to discuss things - fair enough, if I'd been seeing him for a year - but 7 dates.... I know if I saw him to talk about it, I would feel for him, and convince myself it's all my fault, and I'm an awful person, and I should be grateful etc..

rocks quietly in a corner

lubeybooby · 15/11/2012 11:38

roundwindow - gah it's always the same old story isn't it. Happened to loads of us it would seem. Very annoying, but I wouldn't bother with further contact. It really sucks so bad, but this behaviour does seem shockingly common indeed. Something about OD in particular seems to make people flaky.

OP posts:
pixwix · 15/11/2012 11:39

me not he - doh!

lubeybooby · 15/11/2012 11:44

Pix, hurrah! glad to see you back again :o my thanks once again for being the only person to spot that I was actually going blue! ::blush

Yep your story is in there somewhere, I'll see if I can find it for you in a bit.

Mini lube is wonderful thanks, except not so mini anymore. She's 16 and a towering 5ft 10 and a lovely lass. Although poorly at the moment with glandular fever, poor thing. Does that mean your DS1 is 16 now too? I think they were the same age?

Anyway - No definitely don't meet up with him, no way. You've given enough of an explanation and your behaviour with him was perfectly normal, so don't listen to his pleas and cries of wrongdoing. He should be grateful he even got past date one!

OP posts:
mercury7 · 15/11/2012 11:46

can you believe what this guy wrote on his profile, I mean it's not meant to be a dissertation:
(if you can be bothered to read it all...Confused )

am only interested in people on MyFunBuddy or CougarDating, if you're on one of the slut sites or cheating sites linked to this please don't waste my time (or anyone elses bar a therapist, although arguably you wouldn't be wasting their time either as at least they will be getting paid to put up with your nonsense).

I would quite like to meet someone with some dignity and self respect, if such a thing exists on here. If you get to know me you'll find I'm actually a laid back guy, ambitious and hard working, a very cheeky chappy, and down to earth. Probably doesn't come across too well on this profile due to the nature of having to try to put off 99% of the users on here in order to find the right person! The vast majority of my photos were taken this year, I think there is one from last year too, and the topless pictures were before I got back to the gym a couple of months ago so expect better results in person. I can prove I'm generously proportioned if you're worried about that before meeting however I don't want those photos up for the world to see.

I came out of a really serious relationship that was a rollercoaster of a ride 3 months ago and my head is still working things out from it all, I'm as over it as I can be by myself but I'm just left a bit numb about anything resembling a relationship, and although I want to find someone I can chat to a lot and get on well with I think I need to keep a certain distance in myself at the moment in order not to hurt anyone while I'm sorting out where I am. In other ways I like my life as it is at the moment, I work 40 hours a week, go to an evening course once a week, go to the gym 4 times a week in evenings and Sat afternoon, and am about to start another self-taught course, so I have little spare time and I'm very busy. I go out once every Saturday with a couple of close mates of mine and I like my life being like this. The one thing I miss is some close, but not too close, female company for chats and relationship-like sex basically. I don't want to change things in any other way at the moment. I'm not the type of guy to go out on the pull or sleep with someone different every week though, I'd just like one woman in a similar situation who appreciates respect and exclusivity who won't necessarily get madly attached at least not for a few more months. I think literally all I want or need is just chatting as friends during the week, meeting up on a Friday evening or Sunday afternoon (or even both sometimes) and either having a few drinks at a pub, catching a film at the cinema, or just relaxing infront of the tv on the sofa or bed at home with great conversation and a bottle of wine or whatever we care to drink before having some fun together, or if we're feeling particularly frisky just getting straight to it and living out a few fantasies for each other. I'm also interested in a few spontaneous meets where it's just for sex if we feel in the mood for that and that's what either of us needs to be able to release some frustration. I'd prefer somene regular but even if it turned out just to be a one off if that's what you eventually decide that's what you want then as long as it's with someone decent I wouldn't regret it.

I love sex and can't live without it, and do have a very naughty side to me but from past experiences it's something I want to share with very few people over the rest of my life because I prefer to be able to open up completely with someone and take my time exploring and caressing, doing all the little extra things I like to do, really building you up to the point you want to scream, but if I'm not that interested in someone I will only just want a quick fumble and then to leave and that is never satisfying afterwards. So I'm looking for some passionate sexual chemistry and basic friendship, nothing emotionally deep otherwise, but it still needs to have that "click" and genuine attraction.

Age and distance don't bother me at all. I have dated a range of ages from 17 to 49 over the last couple of years and find it really is just about how you get on with the person and whether or not they are open minded enough for it, but to be honest if you're not open minded enough then we probably wouldn't get on anyway as I am all about positivity in attitudes and perspective, and not tarnishing everyone with the same brush as past experiences. Distance wise I have travelled from Maidstone in the South East all the way up to Newcastle for love before, and all the way across to Exeter for great sex before. Even my last relationship was a 2 hour door-to-door journey to Essex and I'd do that a couple of times a week without getting bored of it - must be the Sagittarian in me.

I have been very lucky with the type of women I have been with before, but don't have a "type" at all. The most important features for me are eyes and smile, they absolutely dictate attraction to me. I'm easily attracted to women who are proportionately busty, but when I say that I mean I have been with or dated women who are anything from 34B to 28F to 36JJ, so a whole range of figures (anything from size 6-16) and don't think that because I say I like busty women it means they have to be huge and fake! I like women who look after themselves (ie nice hair is usually a good tell tell sign) but don't wear too much makeup. I don't like too many facial piercings although one or two can be cool. I don't like the tango'd look or women plastered in makeup, much more prefer a natural beauty, even if you're pale as a ghost it's still far more attractive than being fake. And I'm sorry but if you eat out at McDonalds more times a week than you exercise (ie size 18+) then I'm probably not going to be attracted to you, that is as much about mentality as it is about physique.

I would prefer to meet up for a drink or even just a quiet chat somewhere first as experience has told me that photos do not dictate chemistry at all, and quite a few people like to doctor their photos too. No expectations on the first meet up, but being open minded enough that if the chemistry was to be there in abundance then things could possibly happen.

I have a couple of fantasies I haven't done before, but you'll have to ask about those.

Whatever else you want to know, please do that old fashioned thing of asking.

bantamrooster · 15/11/2012 11:48

Not sure if I mentioned this, but a recent scientific study showed people found it much more difficult to be argumentative, rude or dismissive in online communications with someone when they can see a picture of their eyes. There's something about eye contact - even just a photo - that makes it more difficult to be an arse. This is why people subconsciously look away when lying

There we go. EthicalDating has a new policy. All emails will have a picture of the recipients eyes on display when writing the mail. Doesn't stop them dropping off the radar but may improve the twat/nice person ratio to begin with.

I love it when a plan comes together. I may be unemployed at the end of the month so having a nice business idea is a good thing.

Yogagirl17 · 15/11/2012 11:49

Hi snape - glad you checked in, I was thinking about you. Sorry DS is having such a terrible time, I really hope you can get him some help. I'm reading a book you might like - Mr Norrell and Jonathan Strange (about 19th century magicians).