Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Unfortunately I'm not celebrating yet leclerc....

With FW still in the house I'm obliged to live in my bedroom (been here since January now!) and don't really like drinking in here. Don't worry though...I'll be having one hell of a party when he finally moves out

That's good news, Bertie. Perhaps he's trying to be clever with it or something - wasn't he saying to DS the other day about 'Mummy looking lovely' or some such nonsense manipulative crap? Perhaps he thought that was all he had to do and you'd change your mind, won over by his mesmeric charm!!!
FW by name, FW by nature...

Keep that on chill, wont be long now, with any luck. When's your mediation session to try and thrash out the house stuff? Hate to think of you confined to your room in the evenings for nearly a year. Just horrible for you. And speaks such volumes of him, of course. But then, if he wasn't like that, you wouldn't be divorcing him.

Am raising my to you.

Charlotte, hope it's going well tonight, sending thoughts your way.

Hi Lovely ones,

nini hugs and what everyone else said - you are not being heard in those sessions and these counsellors are not always as wise as they should be. Listen to your inner voice, lovey.

Bertie well done for being so strong and how about being confined to your room, ooh the relief when he bloody leaves finally, eh! I am also sitting in my room, Dcat in the most comfy spot, me on a child's chair at a child's table, filched from kids so I can MN up here and be here for kids and also not be there downstairs for fw to pick on.

FW has been very abusive today . Screamed at me with lots of swearing in front of kids this morning and also tonight. I have ZERO respect for the idiot. Any love I felt for him that kept me in this stupid relationship for so many years has gone gone gone thanks to his disgusting behaviour. Because I'm standing up for myself more, I was told to shut up (screamed into my face at close quarters with a physically menacing grimace and finger in my face, in front of dcs.) And lots more. Does the fool realise he's doing me an effing favour coz he's keeping me strong and resolved? Not great for kids though, poor poppets

..and now he's going to bed, hooray but life should not be like this

Ah leclerc lovey you're allowed to feel maudlin sometimes, it's good to allow the inner misery we've endured for years a voice sometimes IYSWIM? We have had to repress our true feelings for so long.... having said that I hope you feel much better and happier very soon. Hugs.

PS ideas for commune: speedy broadband OBVs!!, a well stocked wine rack, multi room sky so we can watch all the crap tv we want without fws arsing over it, cat flap for demanding and sometimes ea Dcats, coffee machine, VERY comfy sofas, fluffy blankies for snuggling whilst gossiping and enjoying our or . Excellent central heating which we are ALLOWED to switch on! What else? xxx

Ahh am getting carried away, am smiling wine taken with excitement over comfort and joy of commune!! Also unexpectedly fallen for Michael Buble a little bit having seen him on Graham Norton - he's really funny and cheeky

Trying!!! I am on my way to the commune now in search of that comfy sofa! Another sleepless night on this blumming one I have here sorry you had such a bad day with FW hope tomorrow better for you and DC x

My FW hit a new low this eve, I have to travel back hundreds of miles to my hometown soon for a funeral of a family member. Today I found out the funeral date and told him as he will need to sort DC (only take DD to nursery, drop DS to his mums, then put them to bed etc) He told me that date was inconvienent for him wow-i suppose I better ask my DAuntie to change her husbands funeral date then hey? I mean how rude of my DUncle to pass away and inconvinence HIM. Unbelieveable. I have since gone directly to his mum and she will sort DC for me no probs. How can someone be so cruel? He was probably looking for a reaction/to upset me but nothing he says shocks me anymore-just confirms that I am on the right path outta here! Normal men would give support wouldn't they? Whatever next?

maggie that's awful [shocked]
His view of his own entitlement is beyond measure...

trying, hope your FW is being less of a FW today. Sounds just awful, what you had to put up with yesterday. That's the kind of thing NSDH would do to me too, shouting right into my face, poking me hard in the arm. It's damn scary. And it wears you down. Keep using this crap to stay strong with your plan.

Maggie, sorry to hear about your uncle, and even more sorry (but somehow unsurprised) about your FW being how he is - not just unsupportive, but actively making things even more difficult for you.

hilde, glad you are feeling better today. My emotions are still up and down sometimes too. Today I am just frustrated with NSDH - he had a bit of a go at me last night for making arrangements to see DSD2 (DSD1 is poorly) during the day today. He got a bit arsey on text: 'Not being funny [yeah right] but can you come through me to make arrangements with the girls. I am trying very hard to structure their time while they are here.'
Structure their time? They are 11 and 13 ffs! And this is despite the fact I actually made the arrangement with the girls last weekend, and discussed it with him then, and he was fine with it. And this despite the fact that a few weeks ago he made arrangements for DS2 without consulting me at all.
I know it's such a small thing, but it made me very grrrrrr that he was taking that 'high and mighty' tone with me. He swings from sending me texts with kisses on the end, telling me what a brill mum I am, to this. He's an arse.

Today DS2 has gone off to his dad's for the day. I'm pretty used to it now, but even so, with him being poorly this week and needing me so much, I feel a bit anxious about him not being with me.

Maggie poor you on the uncomfy sofa! In the commune, your sofa will have feather filled cushions (unless you're allergic ), lots of cushions and a nice big fluffy blanket . I am disgusted but not shocked re your fw's response to your uncle's funeral - so sorry to hear of your sad loss. That is typical fw response to pain and loss in their OH's lives .

Leclerc I love collies, does he round up the children to make them play? The one I know does . So sorry you're having a painful period, it is rubbish, isn't it. Here, have some ! However, on the subject of the Buble, I believe we may have to have some mediation . Tell you what. He can come to the commune for daytimes, serve us teas, sing to us, listen to our woes, make lovely jokes and then he will be allowed to go home at nights.

Pony re your fw playing such mindgames with you. Grrr to the high and mighty tone, I know exactly what you mean

My fw is being very aggressive right now - maybe he senses the shift that's happened in me. Well I am standing up for myself and reacting like I would with a normal person, which is of course triggering his ea; he's firing on all cylinders. EA bingo anyone? I just cooked delicious roast. He sat there picking individual bit of herbs off the roasties, questioning why I had used rock salt and commenting that though "he would eat it, no problem" he didn't really like the herby stuff I put on the roasties. DS then left his roasties, having been eating them happily. I said to ds, well I think I will teach you to eat and then you can cook for me darling" and ds laughed. I ignored fw's desperate attempts to have a go, just nodding reasonably until he finally screamed at me "you just cannot listen to any point of view but your own. You are SO stubborn" - this off the back of me detaching and nodding along and not making an issue! High bingo score on the head trip, eh!

PS as he picked the herbs off the roasties, he examined each piece as though he'd found a nit, then scraped it carefully and distastefully on the side of his plate, well away from his food. I really must stop poisoning my family with the mixed herbs, it's such inconsiderate behaviour on my part . BTW, the roasties were fucking delicious!

teach you to cook, not eat, in first post

trying, what a complete arse. He is definitely sensing the shift. He has to now accuse you of being unreasonable when you haven't even said anything. What he means is that it's unreasonable for you not to be engaging with him as usual, so you are therefore not providing him with the opportunities to show how you are being unreasonable. That really is most unreasonable of you!

My NSDH is now just being plain weird. I don't know what he's playing at.

He came to collect DS2 as usual this morning - it was the quickest handover ever. He actually said 'Any other business?' as he was getting into the car.

Then I picked up the girls later to go into town, and when I brought them back I was supposed to take DS2 home then (he said it was to save me coming back out again, but it's more for his convenience than mine, I suspect, so he could relax), but DS2 was asleep - because NSDH put him down very late for his nap. I was half expecting to be offered a cup of tea while I waited for him to wake. No. Waiting wasn't going to be allowed. NSDH asked me to go and come back. Then he told me his car was open for me to swap the car seat back into my car - he normally does this for me. But I made no protest about either thing, just went and wrestled swapped the car seat, then left to go to my dad's to wait inevitably short time (15 minutes) it was from then till I got the text to say DS2 had woken. I picked him up, said goodbye to the girls, NSDH put DS2 in the car and said, ok bye then, have a good evening' and went back into the house. Normally, he stands there looking meaningful at me, requiring me to engage in some kind of conversation.

It doesn't sound like much, but it unnerved me, this change in him. He was very cold with me, I felt. It's deliberate, of that I'm sure.

But on a slightly more troubling note, the girls noticed it too, and they noticed his mood, and DSD1 said she would be avoiding him tonight because he had that air about him, that he was in a mood and would kick off at the slightest thing. I told her to text me if she wanted to rant to me. Not much more I can do, really, but I feel sad that they are in that atmosphere, I know well how it feels. They get it worse from him now I'm gone, because he doesn't have me as an emotional punchbag.

AND (I have just remembered) - just before he asked about the 'any other business' , NSDH mentioned this morning that the heating at the house is on the blink, he'd need to get a plumber in. He said it in a meaningful, lips pursed and head on one side-kind-of-way that suggested to me that if he does get a plumber in, he'll be expecting me to foot half the bill. He didn't say this, but I bet he does.

What is the general opinion on this? My first thought is: You were the one who refused to move out and let me and the boys live there instead, so you have to take on the expenses associated. If I'd moved in there, and he'd moved out into a rented place, I don't think I'd be expecting him to pay half the money to get the heating fixed. (Plus if I were living there, my friend's husband is a plumber so he'd do it dead cheap.) But maybe I'm being unreasonable - after all, in some situations, the no-longer-resident husband does continue to contribute to the household. But is that usually only when they have a greater income coming in and can afford it? What do you lovelies think? I'm not fishing to be validated in my expectation not to pay, but I am genuinely interested in what people think, I have lost all ability to have perspective over this!

Hi everyone, hope it's ok to join this thread. Can't be bothered to name change as if anyone who cares found out it could only be a good thing.

This could be long, so bear with me!

Currently living in hell with my 'P'. He has depression but takes his medication as and when it suits him. Me and my DD (3) and DS (21 months) are at the mercy of his moods (i'm also pregnant but each of my pregnancies has been a different kind of hell - this one has been less physcially violent and more emotional and psychological abuse and leaving me to take care of everuthing).
He takes it out on me mostly - says he's not depressed, it's just me that makes him angry, aggressive and has ruined his life. He has no care for the mental well being of the DC.

He shouts, threatens and bullies me in front of them and when I cry he shouts at me more because 'I'm affecting them emotionally'.
He says things to DD in her ear conspiratorially like 'don't listen to mummy, she's a psychopath' 'she's an idiot and doesn't know how to behave' and has started to shout 'stop abusing me!' When I stand up to him.
He left his job nearly 2 years ago because he was having a mental breakdown - he thought everyone was out to get him, was aggressive towards colleagues, thought the world was going to end and had delusions of grandeur. I tried to get him to seek help but he just went to bed and never got up (was on the computer all the time). In hindsight, that was better as me and the DC just got on with things.
I left him at one point but after staying in a hotel organised by women's aid and the council the council told me there was no more accommodation and as I wasn't homeless they couldn't do anything. So I went back.
He got worse. He started to hit me and strangle me. Pin me down etc. the final straw was when he punched me repeatedly in front of DD who was screaming. I tried not to cry and tried to get her out of the room but she didn't want to go. I called the police, left the call running, hidden from view and they could hear him verbally abusing me. Telling me I'd better call the police as he wasn't going to be responsible for what he did etc etc

The CPS decided to prosecute on account of the bruises and egg on my head and the tape. It went to court but got thrown out because of a couple of technicalities and I think because his solicitor used 'depression ' as an excuse.

He went on medication and basically manipulated me into coming back. Being pregnant I felt vulnerable.

Fast forward to today. He's 'running his own business' which is a record label that makes no money. So he basically sits in bed all day on his computer skyping and facebooking people. He never helps with anything. He's had some successful releases but they make zero money.

I work 30 hours in 3 days, when I also take the DC to nursery and everything else falls to me. I am now 34 weeks and due to go on maternity leave.

My son is due to have an operation next week under GA but nothing is organised for that as I'd asked him to do it. He misread the letter and lost it and thinks that the bit in the letter about not travelling on public transport after a GA is 'a load of bullshit'. And he's 'not paying £50 to get a taxi'. So much value he places on his DS's health. He also wants his mother who is as abusive as him to look after DD while we take DS to hospital. I've said no.

Today I've made him help out by simply refusing to do everything. He is furious. He's been aggressive, abusive and generally evil to me.

Tonight he told me (more than once) that he hopes I have complications during the birth. When I asked him what he meant and why he would wish that on his child he said he didn't want another one of 'your little cunts' in the world and that he hoped I would die. He then said things to DD like 'we don't need your psycho mum' 'hopefully she won't be around much longer' etc.

I hate him so much and am only sticking around so he will sign the birth certificate so DC3 doesn't feel different to their siblings.

Every day I fantasise about taking a sledgehammer to his computer and think about how good it will be when I have the strength to get rid of him permanently.

I'm hoping joining this thread will keep me focused and sane as sometimes I find myself believing him a little bit that it is me. He says its because I work in a psychiatric ward and it's rubbing off on me. I know deep down it's because of him.

I don't have any family nearby and his family are abusive alcoholics.

His mother came round the day after I'd prosecuted him with the police and gave me a huge earful about how out of order I was and that she'd never involved the police when his dad had beaten her up. All this while looking at my bruises, strangulation marks etc. she is an utter cunt.

Really sorry this is so long but it's the only place I can share it. I've started to keep a sporadic diary about things but its great to share too.

Thanks for reading.

Ps does 'FW' stand for what I think it does

Hey Pochemuchka - to start with, yes, FW, does stand for what you think it does. And it sounds like you've got yourself a prize-winning one. So sorry to hear about all that you've gone through at his hands. It is unacceptable.

It makes me so upset to think that you had to go back to him because there was nowhere else to go.

But you've called Women's Aid before. Can you do it again? You are vulnerable at the moment, and only going to get more vulnerable as you get more pregnant, and then when you have your baby.

The one thing I will say is - leave before he signs the birth certificate. You definitely do want DC3 to feel differently to their siblings - they have grown up in fear of their father, and I can see that you want something different for your new baba.

And now I've had a text from NSDH apologising for being off, saying his sister has been in hosp for an op today (he didn't say because 'it was a secret'). I'm not sure whether his offness is supposed to be worry over his sister or the fact that his narc mother called him. Whichever, now I feel a bit bad.

Except my dad is going for a biopsy on Monday. I haven't told anybody either, but neither have I been off with anyone (I hope...). Is that really mean and terrible of me to think 'that's not why you're being off with me'? Probably, yes!!!

I have spent the evening writing Christmas cards. I've had to have a few glasses of wine to do it, writing 'Ponygirl, DS1 & DS2' on the cards, along with our new address (intending to post them soon, so people can send our cards to us rather than to Mr & Mrs NSDH). Feels like a watershed. Haven't given our new address to many, despite us having been here for nearly 4 months (really that long????). Never mind the address, there's a lot of people I'm writing them to that wont even know we've split up. It's going to take an entire bar of fruit & nut to finish them.