Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

That's fab news Leclerc!

Leclerc Well done to DD2 and well done to you too-you are a fab mummy!

Flowers oh you poor love, I too imagine to feel how you do now when I leave. My FW is also violent. Post when you can even if its just to let us know you are ok. The rest of your story can wait until you are ready to share-we will always be here to listen and help if poss. Stay safe my love ((hugs))

In other news....as predicted the ball pool went down like a shit sandwich with FW. He has just had a massive tantrum in front of DS about the house being a shithole-shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun. All ended with him running at me as if going to kick me (I was sitting on floor) and he stopped right before me. He is evil. He is nasty. I suppose he will be off to the pub later as a result of this attack row. Epic. I.HATE.HIM. If he comes in crying again he can do it alone. I'm done with it all.

So had to collect DD from nursery, after the episode above his parting comment to me was that I should have just bought a sperm donor off the internet and he wouldn't have had to be dragged through the whole ivf process 3 times. He only had to sit in a private room with a magazine if you get my drift-he didn't even help me with my injections so not sure what he is referring to when he says dragged. He does not appreciate how lucky we are to actually have DD and DS-we lost a few little ones before our DC came along but the majority in the same clinic are still trying for their first precious child. It makes me so mad he can't see and appreciate how lucky we are.

Anyway....upon returning with DD from nursery it was as if the incidents above hadn't happened at all. He was acting all nice, even trying to touch my bum hug me. Is so strange how he can just switch personalities. I really do think he could be skitzo! Does anyone else have a skitzo FW?

Ps-sorry for all the long posts today! Hope not too boring! ((Hugs)) to you all!

((hugs)) all and hello Flowers

Leclerc well done re DD2, how wonderful! You must be SO proud!

Maggie re what you're going through. I have to go and get ds now but will be back later to post properly (DCat is biting my arm because my typing is disturbing his comfort - honestly how inconsiderate am I? He probably has a catsnet.com thread about fw owners who keep annoying him ) Bloody hell really painful now, argh.... PA from the decat too, eh!!!

LOL re DCat trying!!!!

Blumming heck....you will never believe...FW is downstairs and has started doing the IRONING!!!! He has opening the door and doing lots of steam button pressing so I can hear him Mixed emotions about this! 1.Why is he doing it??? 2.What is he up to? 3.What does he want in return? 4.I will be busy tomorrow re-sorting all the stuff to hang up in proper places that he will do wrong tonight 5.I now won't be able to sit down and watch telly as will have to find some chore to do too otherwise could start a row.

My goodness!! And I was expecting him to run off to the pub tonight after earlier episodes! maybe there is vodka in the iron?!!

May have been stupid thing to do, but I emailed counsellor (have stopped for time being) to ask if she thought h was abusive. Her reply:

As to the question....I'm not really sure how to answer as I don't really know why you are asking. I don't think its quite so black and white as yes/no and obviously it depends on how you understand the term. I would much prefer to talk with you about it. But certainly it seemed to me that you felt very controlled by NSDH's behaviour and unable to be yourself.

I suppose she's worried I might take it the wrong way, interpret it badly or something - but it does read to me like she thinks it's all in my head and not really real.

Maggie, if he thinks he's joining our commune just cos he's doing the ironing, he can do one!

Leclerc, brill news re DD2. I imagine that talent comes from your side, yes? Yes.

Flowers, hope you are doing ok. Keep yourself safe.

trying, see this is exactly the kind of thing the Cravendale ad warns about. Cats with thumbs and Catsnet? Be afraid, be very afraid...

:o at Leclerc - thanks for that! Her blurb on the internet said EA, but I'm not convinced she is trained in that particularly. It's so stupid - I'd like to think like pony always says, that if the relationship's not working, that's enough to leave. Trouble is, I've read this book that says for Christians, you should stay and work at it, unless it's abusive (or he runs off). So I feel huge pressure to be absolutely absolutely sure it's abuse.

And I'm not absolutely absolutely sure about anything!

But I think I can re-convince myself. Time to read through my journals and pages of clarity again! :o

LOLed at catsnet and vodka in the iron, btw. Just too self-absorbed tonight to mention it!

Charlotte.
That's not how I read her reply hun. The start of it reads like someone being very careful not to use a certain term in an email, because that's permanent record of what she's saying, and I guess in her profession she has to watch what she puts out there on email. She sounds cautious, maybe that's why it comes across a little evasive. But the end bit basically says, yes, you've been controlled by his behaviour, so that's validating how you feel.

Except it's not, because you are still struggling to believe it. I think that's why you are looking for a professional person to rubber-stamp it, even though we've been telling you, Women's Aid have told you. I think you are so hoping to be wrong, that just one professional person saying 'no, no, you're wrong, see it was all you all along' and there's a risk you'll believe them as opposed to everyone else who's said the opposite.

You don't need her to say she thinks it's EA. And it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, read the last sentence and that tells you everything you need to know: you felt very controlled by NSDH's behaviour and unable to be yourself. You are in a relationship where you feel controlled and you can't be yourself. That's not good enough in anyone's books.

I'm sending you a great big hug because I know how enormous everything seems from that side of the fence. I was paralysed into inaction for a long, long time, hoping against hope that it was me - because that, I could do something about. If it was him, I had no hope of it getting better, and I had to have hope.

Charlotte, it doesn't matter what your counsellor says. Your H is a FW. You are desperately unhappy. But you are doing all the right things to get yourself out of it. You'll get there.

.....and once again, what Leclerc said, but only she said it in a few lines to my gazillion...

Thanks, pony, you are very kind. I guess you're right - and your first paragraph is what I thought first - and then felt sick and reinterpreted. When I just read where you've written I think you are so hoping to be wrong, I thought - no, why would I be? I'm desperate to be convinced it is EA so that I have a get-out clause. You must be right - I must be desperately unhappy to think like that, but I don't even really feel it. And then I wondered: do I find myself unable to believe it's EA because FW doesn't believe it? Anything that I think, that he doesn't agree with, he either laughs at ("only joking", of course), mocks (be it ever so gently) or pulls to pieces (often in very reasonable tones). Am I genuinely unable to think anything that doesn't have his approval? I don't know. (I can believe it's sensible to have breakfast every day and keep doing it, even though he mocks that... but then, many other people think breakfast is a good thing, so I have their valued opinion to support me.)

I'm telling my parents tomorrow night when we go to stay with them for the weekend. If they believe and support me, I'll feel so bolstered up. If they murmur a hint of staying and trying to work things out, I'll be shattered.

But I'm staying on this thread. Whatever the outcome of that conversation. I wrote in my journal the other day that I feel sometimes like this thread is a piece of driftwood on the open sea - the only thing between me and drowning. I'm clinging on!

Oh yes, I was watching some YouTube clips about EA and VA earlier and came across this sentence on one: "Over time, her [the victim's] own personal compass gets dismantled. Inside she dies." That jolted something inside me.

No Leclerc, I'm not feeling any pressure from what you say, just lots of support and if I weren't feeling so dead inside tonight I think I'd be tearful.

That which gave me the jolt - I just watched it to the end as I didn't have a chance to earlier. Right at the end: "Love is not rude, self-seeking, is not easily angered." - God

Thank you, God, for your own personal reply this evening! (Wow.)

Maybe it's not so much that you can't think anything that doesn't have his approval, maybe it's more that without his approval, you know whatever you think will be denied, mocked, derided, belittled, so you are trying to find out how to know for certain that you are right about him being EA, and his is wrong in his inevitable denial. So, picture this: you try and leave, telling him he's EA. He says 'No, I'm not, and you are completely mad.' And his word is gospel so without his approval of what you're saying, you don't know what to do.

But also, please don't put too much store in whether your parents give you go ahead. It's your choice. If they support you, fantastic. I know you want to have them on your side, but perhaps you will have to fight for it. If they hint about working things out, stand your ground, maybe say you've tried but you are desperately unhappy, and you need them to support you in whatever path you choose.

I'm just waffling now, so just tell me to shut up!!!! (Leclerc will no doubt say all this in one sentence! I really need to stop the waffle...)

I think that's absolutely true about the personal compass. Keep clinging on Charlotte!

Maggie ditto re his desperate attempt to enter commune through ironing back door - tell him it's closed and if there's vodka in the iron we will have to confiscate it and take it for our own use thank you very much

Doing the ironing very loudly with lots of dramatic steam hissing, leaving the door open, leaving you feeling you have to do some housework in reply to avoid blow up all adds up to full on fwittery. More manipulative than my Dcat and that's saying something, let me tell you

Charlotte as usual what Pony and leclerc said is completely spot on. It's so hard to admit to ourselves, but take it from the expert panel on here - it is ea, lovey. As soon as I read what your counsellor wrote, I thought "doesn't want to commit herself in writing / could be precluded from doing so by her prof code of conduct / doesn't want to get sued / something like any of the above. In person she will be a lot more reassuring and validating but her last line is code in noncommital counsellor speak for "yes". You are fully validated by that line as well as by your own thoughts and feelings (most importantly)

Right my Dcat has been very pushy and brainwashed me into buying a domain name for him! I'll keep you posted because it's not up there yet...

((Hugs)) Charlotte make sure you address the issue again at your next session with her. I think you are right about the driftwood-i think there are a lot of us clinging onto it at the moment-sometimes by the tips of our fingers only.

Well....the ironing was short lived and seems like I had the right idea about the vodka When I got downstairs I could smell beer, so me being stupid mentioned it and all hell broke loose. He had been drinking quickly whilst I had been putting DC to bed. So as usual he does a runner to the pub-again whilst I have nipped up to the loo-got back down and he's gone, door still unlocked etc, no note, text, shout up goodbye etc. Dread what time/state he will come home at how did we all get into this FWierty messy trap. We don't deserve it do we? Feel so worthless.

And the bloody nits have had a second third coming. Am thinking of shaving my head Britney Spears stylie

Sorry btw my post got interrupted by kids not wanting to sleep so I was still being jokey, but have read the last few posts now and entirely agree with the others, Charlotte lovey. I think a lot of "rules" about faith got slipped in by men controlling women (sorry men out there, not all of you, obviously ) and the underlying truth is love and compassion, which code is broken and made null and void by mental and physical cruelty. When you think how many different interpretations we get of today's basic daily news from the different spectrums of media, one imagines that the version of truth that originated in true faith has been written down by humans with conscious and unconscious agendas a lot of the time - that's human nature. Our true instinct is God-given I believe. But the waters get very muddied by influences of society and people around us and our own self doubt.