Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Bertie my ex used to be like that. One morning DD didn't want to kiss him before he went to work, so he stormed off saying " Bet you'll still be expecting Christmas presents though, won't you?!" WTAF?! I don't think these FW ever mature beyond pre-teen.

bertie - what a complete shit he is, to kick his son's toys down the stairs in a rage. He's no more than a baby himself, and as such, obviously needs someone to put him in the babypen where he can't do any damage to anyone anything. Can you maybe email the mediator and tell her what has happened? I can't remember when you have the next session, but this is the sort of thing that she needs to know.

Leclerc (nearly went old-style with your name there, woops), glad you got some kid-free supermarket time to indulge your wee fetish! Everyone needs something that they get a bit gooey about. Mine, unfortunately, is generally expensive stuff by the name of Mac - both the make-up and the computers. I need something more affordable and achievable!!! When a Mac make-up shop appeared where I used to live, I almost hyper-ventilated! Unfortunately, it didn't open until after I'd left!!!!! Garn!
How was the 'exchange' of kids with FWH?

pony I could contact the mediator but now the process had started she would have to forward the message on to him. I think the best thing to do us bring up these examples of his behaviour when we have our next meeting. It's supposed to be an emergency meeting to see if alternative living arrangements can be agreed ASAP....in other words can FW be persuaded to move out!

The thing that annoys me the most is how this affects DS. FW can be fantastic with him sometimes...but at other times he's awful. DS seems so confused. He both adores and hates his daddy. One minute he's saying he wants daddy to come and play with him...a little while later he says he doesn't like him because he gets "too excited" (that's how an almost 5 year old sees his slightly manic behaviour).

Oh I know that this situation isn't going to go on for ever. Its hard though.

Bertie how awful-i think your FW has a major jealousy prob over DSs close relationship with you. Hope things get better and DS is ok tonight.

Can't stay long on tonight writing this on phone in loo FW is home early from work so I can't have my computer time tonight without him nosying. He's basically sat on other sofa watching me football. Anyhow, below is a story I seen on facebook-ive cut and paste it. It made me have a little chuckle!

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

Am thinking of trying this approach!!

Leclerc - what is it about them? I was on NSDH's computer (we had separate laptops) a few times, and I did nosy in the history - yes to porn, lots of it , yes to googling my name, yes to googling the name of anyone he can think of who's connected to me (including ex and work colleagues).

I am also flinching at NSDH's touch. Talked to counsellor this morning about it. He uses it as a control thing tho. Offers his hand for me to take to reassure him if we've had a difficult conversation (I don't take it). Tries to pick up my hand if we're discussing stuff (I stop him). Then, he places his hand firmly on my shoulder when he knows I can't do anything about it (carrying DS2 and all his bags). It's a control thing, and like a toddler he's pushing at the boundaries to see what he has to do to get things his way, or to see what I will tolerate.
Leclerc, I think that's what FW is doing to you, trying small touches to see what you will tolerate, if you don't stop him then he can move on to something more obvious. Don't let him into your personal space. Your psyche is giving you a strong message of wanting to be away from him. You are listening to it, and that's a goooooooood thing.

Maggie loved the story! Shame your fw home early and being nosy

Leclerc, like pony I miss the old nn but love the new one . I also agree with pony re the message from your psyche. It's like my panic attacks recurring whenever I make further commitment to fw - getting married, getting back together when we last split up. Definitely listen to your reactions. He doesn't have to know you've made your decision if it's easier to deal with him by not letting on - it's not like it's a normal situation where one could be upfront, because we all know they fuck with our minds and get nasty in one way or another, so we are forced to play the long game.

Also, glad to hear you're slowly getting rid of the painful blob (mammary not fw ha ha)

My FW has noted that his giant sulk meant fuck all to me, also has noticed I ignored him back. Is now being reasonable again - obviously it won't last and is meaningless. Interesting to feel the shift of power IYSWIM, not that I want any power, just don't want him to have power over ME!

That's good about DS1, Leclerc. It's the small victories that you feel most good about.

Good night all, onwards and upwards.

Snap to the cringing when touching too can't imagine ever wanting to get intimate with him again-he does try his best to lure me though. He does this thing when he removes his trousers when in from work at night, letting his boxers slip off by accident too and makes a stupid laugh to himself-as if I'm going to jump on him as he's so gorgeous! NOT! Reality is I'm usually concentrating on not puking or bursting out laughing at how cringy it actually is!!! Sorry if TMI!! I'm hiding in the bathroom again waiting for him to bog off to bed so I can settle on my sofa for the night!

Ah Maggie poor you in the bathroom waiting for him to go to bed! I was almost going to bed last night (having escaped upstairs to sit with dcs (in other words not share space with fw), when fw came upstairs to bed. Sudden new lease of life for me as I rushed back downstairs to enjoy the space, quiet and warmth of the newly fw free zone! Never mind I was tired for work after later night than expected, just so great to enjoy space without him I hope your fw buggers off to bed soon.

Oh my. Have scrolled down this thread and saw a lot of my life in it.
I have been in a very abusive relationship for 15 years and I am coming out of it now. However, as you all know, a controlling, manipulative partner can put on a very credible act to the outside world. This is what scares me; the fact that many won't believe me.

Welcome Flowers (Thought it better to call you that than Brandon or Lover!!!) We believe you. We are all in the same boat on here and most who are still trying to escape are in the same position with the outside world and the worry that no one will believe us - some that have escaped are still finding themselves in that position - our FWs are masters of disguises - one saying I've heard is 'street angel-house devil' This is certainly true of my FW and he is everyones best friend when out but as soon as home with us a nasty nasty bully and has been for the last 13 years. I am working on it though and dropping hints here and there to others in real life. Its all about baby steps. So far I have spoken to my mum, brother, his mum, my best friend and dropped subtle hints with mutual friends, they seem to be getting the drift of what I have to deal with at home. Its a long hard process but know if I just up and left with kids he would turn it on me and tell everyone I've run off with kids and had an affair or something equally as nasty.

Tell us your story and what stage you are at. I have had some great advice from the lovely ladies on this thread and doubt I would be feeling as strong about the whole process without their support. BTW, we all belong to a virtual commune which is FW free and has lots of laughter and no ironing - there is always room for more!!!

PS - I love Brandon Flowers too!

Hi flowers

Leclerc I know exactly what you mean. Even now I find myself thinking how, despite everything, FW has actually improved in some ways compared to last year. For example, he no longer swears at me. He doesn't complain when I go out. He doesn't criticise everything I do..

However, my intuition tells me that he's just suppressing those behaviours...the way he thinks hasn't changed. Every so often he does something and I see a flash of the previous behaviour (e.g., like the kicking stuff down the stair yesterday)...and I know it's all still there inside him.

Leclerc and Bertie - I have been thinking this, too. I don't want to call FW on his behaviour any more, because when I have done, he improves (or suppresses) in that area and it moves to something different. But then, each time, it takes me a while to identify what is wrong. And he can argue that he's improving and accuse me of moving the goalposts or adding more requirements to change. I feel attacked, start doubting myself, get confused and angry AND ultimately nothing changes. It's all tinkering with symptoms and not touching the root cause of attitudes.

It will be in them until the day they die ladies. I still see flashes of it in my father who is now ex-EA for many many years and now can't do enough for my mum, me and brother but every so often it creeps back in especially aimed at my mum and brother and floors us all (Don't know why i get left out but am thankful, prob as I now have my very own FW - maybe one of his foot solders he secretly trained up for when he was a retired FW?!!) When he starts, its just a little reminder of how shit our lives living with him used to be and everything we went through from as young as I can remember until my early 20's. Me and DBro still hate him for it and we are in our early 30's now Just hope my DC won't be the same with my FW - even though he is a FW I want them to have a good relationship with him and have fun good times, be able to talk to him normally - not have misery and fear. Is so hard to make the right decisions especially when DC are involved hey? I just keep remembering how me and DBro felt growing up and that spurs me on to get my own DC out of this horrible domestic abuse pattern that seems to have formed in my family. We also very much resented our DMum for not leaving him - still do - but when you are young you don't understand how difficult leaving can be......only now I am learning that all for myself and hoping and praying I can be stronger than my DMum was all those years ago.

Leclerc - maybe the pressure from the dcs to take him back will lessen as they become used to the new way of life? If you keep telling them that this is how things are for at least two years, then they know there's no point in putting pressure on you, and in the mean time, they get to observe the differences between the way you treat them and the way he does. Even if he does make a miraculous transformation, there will be setbacks on the way, and the dcs will observe those.

And then when they tell you that they think he's really changing, you can tell them you genuinely hope so for their sakes. In two years' time, their thinking about the two of you may have changed.

Ladies, this is my exact dilemma at the moment. I can see many ways in which NSDH is different. He is calmer. He does seem more rational. In the more heated discussions he's not losing his rag. He often apologises.

But.

But. But. But.

There are still things there. The incident at the weekend where he was rude to someone for phoning after 9pm on a Saturday night. Yes, ok, he doesn't want phonecalls at that time, but maybe if I was there I would. I don't want to be in a relationship where I jump and feel dread if the phone rings after a certain time, fearing what NSDH will say about it.

Yesterday at counselling I sat and cried and cried and cried. I was remembering how things were this time last year - I was full-term pregnant. And things were awful. As I sat and recounted all the many things that happened around that time (low-level violence with backhanding me on my pregnant belly, grabbing my wrist, hitting me in face with pillows, etc) and how I felt, and how intimidating he was to me when the baby was here, poking at me, shouting in my face while breastfeeding, pushing me about the hall and telling me to pack my stuff in the days running up to Christmas. I just cried. I'm not sure I can ever truly get past that stuff. And a lot of you on here have had things much worse than that.

But the thing is, maybe it's ok that I don't get past it. If I'd just fallen out of love with him, I'd still be entitled to leave him and divorce him. I don't need a big excuse. Even if he turns into a completely new and shiny person, it's ok if I say 'I just don't want to any more. I don't love you/don't want to be with you.' And while I do still love him, I do still fancy him, I still care about him, but I don't think I love him like I did. Him snatching DS2 changed something inside me about how I feel for him. I can't make myself love him fully again. And neither can you. And if you don't love him, well, that's all the reason you need.

But as you say, the difficult thing is the kids. Can you explain that to them now, or at least the ones that you feel will understand (DD1, maybe?). That even if their Dad changes, you might not want him back, he's done too much for you to forgive? And explain that at the end of the day he'll always be their father, but if you don't want him to be your husband, that's entirely your decision.

Maggie - you are already so much stronger than your mother. She brushed it under the carpet and allowed herself to shut her eyes to it. You are not doing that. You are different to her, and you will keep your kids safe. You already are.

Typical FW! I suppose it's not surprising that your dds are talking like that, given that he is talking about when he comes home (not if) and how he hopes it's soon. Chip-chip-chipping away at the boundaries...

Thanks Pony I think I am only stronger than my DMum as I've seen and experienced it all before and can't have that for my DC. She did brush it under the carpet all those years and still does, when he has a relaspe and says something she always tries to shhhhh me and DBro if we are there to avoid him starting on us too-old habits die hard hey - we are in our 30s for goodness sake! Last time it happened DBro shouted back calling him a nasty bully etc etc and to say he was gobsmacked was an understatement. 2mins later he was back to the new nice dad. I wonder if FWs sometimes don't even realise what they are doing/saying?

Pony I also had the low-level violence in both my pregnancies and the mind games. My last pregnancy with DS was very complicated and I was in and out of hospital. Any normal DH would be there ready on the end of the phone just incase i was rushed into hospital again and they had to deliver DS-do you think my FW was? No-he was off on his usual benders not answering his phone etc etc whilst I was sat at home supposed to be on bed rest but was most of the time with teething toddler (DD) and a baby inside me I didn't know was surviving or not. I managed to make it to full term with DS but remember so clearly the night before I was due to go in for a c-section he buggered off to the pub until all hours again whilst I worried at home if DS would make it. Turned out DS had to be brought back to life during complicated c-section. All I remember of that day was lying on the theatre table with all that going on and him-FW-sat beside me stinking of stale booze. Its situations like that and the total blantant disrespect he has for me not just as his partner but the mother of his children that has made me not love him anymore. I think the love has just chipped away little by little over the years on every EA/PA/FA situation I have found myself trapped in. Guess we all feel the same then about our FWs and how we feel, its them that have made this happen not us (although FW frequently tells me its all my fault)

Sorry for long posts! I'm on a roll today! Toying with the idea of getting the massive inflatable ball pool I have for DC out as its pouring down outside. FW will be home early this eve and hates it as its too messy and ill get the whole house-shithole speech but my DC LOVE playing in it so ill take the whinging from him later on the chin. DC win! I might even have a roll around in it myself!!

THANKS ladies for the warm welcome. At the moment I don't feel like telling my story as it upsets me, it's like living through it again. I have spoken to my friends and family but every time I feel even more depressed about it and I must admit I am scared that he will go crazy/violent when he comes home to see that I've moved out (with the DC).
But I'm reading this thread and it's comforting to see you understand!

Will write more when I feel ok about it xxx