Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I long for the day when I can tidy the house and not have FW sabotage it by leaving piles of stuff round the place and "suggesting" that I tidy them up "when I have a moment."

Not long ago, he admitted to being a hopeless finisher of jobs and said I was welcome to pull him up on it and point it out when it happened. His reaction when I did? An incredulous "you really want me to do it?" - just to make sure I knew how petty I was being. And then still didn't finish the job well.

I wouldn't mind, if he didn't start so many jobs!

Hi guys,

That's excellent Bertie well done.
Maggie he sounds like he needs alcoholics anonymous and you need al anon. Doesn't mean you are staying with him buy it would help you cope with his behaviour. Look online to find nearest meeting.
Unless he wants to stop drinking nothing you do will change anything. It's the same detach message I'm afraid.
My fw has been very negative over last few days and sooo controlling. We had a play date and other child was quite badly behaved but he was ill today so explains why. Fw says not doing any more play dates now.
Has forbidden me to cook turkey for Xmas as affront to his vegetarianism.
I told his mum and she told him off so now she can cook and bring it!
My bro coming up this weekend and no idea if I will be allowed to see him with kids.
Oh and I have to stop drinking carbonated water as it has x number of health risks. Give me a break, already ditched coke as he said makes my breath stink. They try to be rude and knock your confidence to change your behaviour. My red lipstick was another one, haircuts not allowed, my favourite jumper, my lip ring, big jewellery etc etc etc oh and heels as they make me taller!!!

No, not too caught up at all, Hilde , anyway, on the patented system re anti ironing, yes, that's me too! I believe ironing is the work of the devil, invented to keep us women down; I refuse to touch an iron and have developed a handy phobia about ironing boards the bastards

ginga - very telling re the heels, huh!

anyway am going to switch on my old lady electric blankie (ah the joys of being even partially separated) and head to bed now. Hugs to all and ....ohhhh, the commune sounds fab

If anything needs ironing after getting past your systems, I'll do it - I believe ironing was invented as a pretext for watching TV! :o

Also off to bed now, but will have one or two dcs in there with me soon, so no need for the electric blanket!

ginga, I think you need bibi to issue your FW with a ticket to one of her special FW round-up places. That just all sounds awful. Who does he think he is?

Mmmmmmm, hilde, are you me? I too have a Patented(tm) system of hanging clothes. It largely involves invoking DS1's much beloved and much missed Irish Nanny and shouting 'shake them, shake them, shake them' in a cod Irish accent when hanging stuff up. Works for me.

I ^have spotted a flaw in the commune - or perhaps the underpinning of our success - none of us seem to iron much! I've always felt like a failure in my family for this, it's a much-mentioned and much-pilloried fact that I don't iron. But I have hours and hours of time for Mumsnet browsing that I'd otherwise be ironing, so I win!
Night all!

Is there room for three more in the commune?!!! I too HATE ironing with a passion but I am very good at DIY, painting and the like-also do a mean bacon butty!! And I now have a new skill of nit nurse should our DC catch them from anyone else at nursery/school!

Have been up all bloody night! DS teething with a big back tooth and DD been up during the night with bowel problems brings a whole new meaning to that saying "sh1t the bed" for me!! Of course FW has been snuggled up in our nice comfy big bed drying out snoring his head off through it all and the house looks like we have been burgled so am sure I will get it in the neck in a few hours time when he wakes up and can't find a clean cup for a brew-he can bloody shout at himself, I am not in the mood! And this bloody sofa is still sooooo uncomfortable but trying to sleep now before anymore teeth or bum incidents pop up!! Round two of the nits treatment tomorrow too-arrrgghhh!! Its ruined my hair! I really am a right mess lately, my Dmum gave me a right telling off lecture about taking care of my looks the other day so I will find another man eventually. Blimey, I've not got rid of this one yet and not sure I want/need another one so soon afterwards either! But she is right, I need to get back on my diet, get rid of the grey hairs and start using my lotions and potions again or I will be old and hagged before my time with all the stress going on at the moment. Its easier said than done though with two clingy DC and a not very helpful FW in tow!

Another one for the commune here! I could force myself to do ironing

This morning another snide comment from FW as he came to take drag away whilst crying and clinging to me DS from my bed (it's a daddy day today and it starts at breakfast time). His comment was that this situation needs to be sorted as he's not getting any time with DS. I ignored completely. It's so ridiculous. He is now responsible for DS two weekdays and one day at the weekend. It's hardly 'no time' is it? It's more that he's ever done before...

hilde have you tried a hot compress? I once had a boil in my armpit (nice huh!) and someone suggested that...it worked a treat by forcing the pus to the surface (sorry if TMI )....but it was bloody painful...

...but obviously you will need drugs too...

Good morning fellow commune-dwellers. Am so pleased to hear about the general rejection of ironing! (No need to force yourself bertie, Charlotte's going to do it all for us!!!!) My mum also irons pants, and socks. Thought of something else I'm good at - I could lead the kids in some excellent slightly-to-loud singing! It's lots of fun, if not very tuneful.

oooooh hilde, that sounds awful. Get it seen to. If only the other pain in your life could be lanced away... Hope you get it sorted and are feeling better soon.

Maggie, I'm feeling your pain. Poor DS, and even poorer poorly DD, ick for both of you. I got so carried away with our commune last night that it was a bit of a late night. So, obviously, this was the night DS2 was up about three times. Third time I went in he'd been sick in his cot. Full change of everything at 5am.
About an hour ago DS2 projectile vomited on me. Everywhere. In my hair, dripping down from my bra onto my tummy. Uuuuuuuurgh. Full change of everything on him and me, into the bath. Hope that's the last of it.

Bertie, isn't that funny, when they suddenly have specific time with their child, it suddenly becomes a competition that they have to win. Before, it would be a competition to get out of doing anything at all, am I right?

Here's a weird thing re DS1 playing up.
Yesterday I looked up a few websites for advice on dealing with child fears that I suspect are largely 'exaggerated'. Last night I tried to implement these a little, told him I used to be scared of the dark, monsters weren't real and even if they were I wouldn't let them in the house, tried to be very patient with DS1 (even though he was still winding me up by not going and getting ready for bed when asked, etc, and deploying all manner of delaying tactics. He is King of Delaying). Even after he was in bed, he was still at it - he shouted on me twice after he was in bed, the second time was to say 'remember, Mummy, tomorrow is DS2's birthday'. Errr, no it's not. It's next week. And why, oh King of Delaying, would you need to call on me to remind me of this at 8.30pm?
Anyway, this morning I tell him to go off and get dressed, he came back in after a few minutes to announce: 'Mummy, you know what, I'm not scared this morning, isn't that amazing?' He even demonstrated walking up and down our very bright hallway a few times to show how not-scared he was of the imaginary crocodiles snapping at his feet. So. It's official. I am obviously a parenting genius. Haha not.

Magnesium Sulphate poultice will draw it all off Hilde, not requiring the follow-up 'anti-fungal', treatment (also if you take bifudus and other gut flora tabs you will boost the ones that get knocked out by the anti-bios - eating extra probiotic yoghurt does that too as the ones in the gut get knocked out too).

note disclaimer at the top of screen! (only from personal and much use on animals too and its worked wonders)

Well and truly stuck again now. That other house (the unfurnished one) has gone.

Aw Charlotte, that sucks. When I was looking in June and July, I was beside myself - I missed out on what I thought was the 'right' property and I thought it was my only chance, there was nothing else that was in any way right for weeks. I drove myself mad with my constant looking, felt very down about it all, envisaged me and the kids living in some hovel miles away from anywhere and anyone. But something did come along. And you know, the week that I accepted this place, I actually saw about three or four other places come on that I would have happily gone for, and viewed one that I nearly took instead of this flat (house with a garden, but unfurnished and further away). I know the buses reference is a cliche, but like hilde says, come New Year people will be putting houses up for rent left right and centre (it's the same with job-hunting at this time of year).

DS2 been sick again. He's now just refusing to eat anything and just lying on the floor whimpering. Am too scared to give him his bottle in case it all just comes up again! Oh dear, poor boy.

Oh, your poor DS, pony - and poor you, too. Days like that are just so hard!

Thanks for your support - I needed those encouraging messages. I hope you're right about more being available in the New Year; I can't move out before then anyway, as we must get through Christmas and a wedding dd1 is bridesmaid at on NYE first. But I just feel so depressed. For a few weeks now, I've been noticing I've got less and less to say to people - talking is a struggle. And now I'm just feeling like doing less and less, too. No idea what our friend staying in the house must think - and also no idea how I'm going to cope without all his support with the housework and childcare once he leaves this weekend. Just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Do you think I should see a doctor? Maybe get some anti-depressants to get me through?

Have put dd3 into her cot because she's been whining and complaining all day, "Not like that!" about everything I do. Forgot though that she can climb out of her cot these days! Best go off and console her...

give him the bottle anyway, or at least some water. he will need the fluids and a surprising amount is absorbed through the stomach wall when they are ill (prepare area with towels, bowls and waterproof mac!!!!!)

He's having plenty of water, he drinks a fair bit of water anyway so it's not hard to get him to drink. I've actually just looked up NHS Direct and what they said has panicked me a bit (he's not doing anything but lying on the floor making pathetic noises) so I've got a doc's appt for him later on. Probably overkill! But I need to go out for more Calpol anyway...

Charlotte, I don't think it would do any harm to go your doc and talk to them. It also gets the situation logged with professionals (so make sure you get a doc that you feel happy talking to). How you say you are feeling really sounds really similar to how I felt before I decided to go to the doc, including the struggling to talk, losing energy, etc. Make an appointment, for yourself, because you need to look after yourself and keep your head above the water. The anti-ds haven't made me feel miraculously better, but they've taken the edge off enough for me to get on as normal with the occasional dip.

Have to say, when I first read your post, I read that you'd put DD3 in her coat. Thought it was some kind of consequence for being whiny! Whose coat's that jacket?

Hi all, internet outage here. You all seem to be doing well, in spite of setbacks.

I have a big house, and a ban on ironing. Anyone fancy a commune in the NE?

And seriously, if anyone wants a few days escape they would be very welcome.