DH just called me a... AIBU?

[wotsDHdoing]

So just now we were having, ahem, SEX, and he said something, something, something "... you fat bitch...",

i said "dont call me that", got off him and went upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and cried my heart out.
he called up "sorry, i didn't mean it"
but the damage had been done, i felt shit, like a fat bitch basically, not sexy, not loved, not even very liked...

I lost allot of weight, 2stone, earlier this year but have put on half a stone again recently and i can tell he is disappointed in me for putting it back on.

so have i over reacted?

he then got dressed and has driven off without even seeing if im ok...

by the way we haven't done-the-deed for two months(!) because of one thing and another, kids, sickness, exhaustion, guests staying etc
and it felt like we were really close tonight and i wanted to.... and now i just feel really hurt and angry and unloved.

also he was quite forceful and not very considerate as to my pleasure, which is a reoccurring theme in our sex life.

just not sure if i'm over reacting and either way, where do i go from here.

thanks for any thoughts :)

I think you really need to reread this thread and try and take in all the advice.

You know he called you a fat bitch. In my house,any mention of my DH calling me any type of bitch at any time would be enough to warrant a locked front door.
That's because that is something I am not prepared to tolerate.

But, you say he has a porn habit, which he knows upsets you and yet he refuses to stop.
He called you names.

You must be able to see how utterly disrespectful this poor excuse of a man is to you.

How can you bear to live with a man who thinks its ok to disrespect his wife like this?

By staying in this marriage you are basically giving him the green light to treat you as disrespectfully as he please, without even a word of argument from you.

wots - I'm glad that at least you had a run on the beach... Sounds trivial, maybe, but getting to do things like that is important.
You're not a doormat, you're a busy, stressed, tired woman looking after her family including a small baby. Of course you're exhausted, of course things get too much, of course once you've posted on here and read posts from posters who are (rightly) horrified and furious about what he said, and who (rightly) point out that it's not acceptable, it's easy to feel that other people are so together and upstanding that nothing comparable would happen in their worlds and therefore you're inferior in some way. You're not. You're absolutely not.

And this thread has turned into a bit of a 'leave the bastard' thread. As if that is something that you must do, or as if that's easy to do. Or as if that's what you want. (is it? It seems like you don't know at the moment and don't have enough information about alternatives to really be able to think about it.) Only you can decide, and most importantly, you need to know that if that is what you want then it's possible for you to do it. And there is some good information on this thread.

You stay with OH if you want to. Nobody has the right to judge you or to tell you what to do. It may be that you can sort things out between you if he can have the humility and dignity and respect to get any help he needs to sort himself out and stop taking out his stress, anger, depression, insecurity (whatever) on you. From what you say it sounds as if maybe he'd like to do that - but doesn't have the power or skills to do that at the moment.
Maybe he can change if he gets help. Maybe he can't or doesn't want to.

Either way what you want to do has to be up to you and nobody else.
You shouldn't put up with things as they are because you feel that there are no alternatives for you. There are alternatives, and instead of beating yourself up, you need to find out what those alternatives are and know that they are available to you. Until that's happened, how can you think about anything constructively?

spending thousands on his hobby, begrudging me a badly needed new bra ffs!

that needs a bigger reaction than ffs. He spends fortunes on something he wants/enjoys yet gives you hassle over something you NEED. This is abuse, however you look at it.
It's not normal
You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way, to have this life.

Op I haven't read through your whole thread and someone might have said before. But I think your weight issues may be linked to his behaviour. I comfort eat a lot!

Plenty of advice already, please take it. Don't get bogged down into overanalysing it, life is too short to spend it with this man. See the solicitor, tell them about the porn habit, he is being unreasonable, he will have to leave, you get to stay in the house and he will have to support you and the dcs. If you are worried about the mortgage remember you can get a lodger to help cover this if need be.

Good luck and shake this man off before you get any more bogged down in this nasty controlling environment.

notnagging I don't think it's her weight that the OP needs advice on at this point.

He was a dick OP, a complete and utter dick.
I hope you find the strength to do whatever you need to do.

Calling you a fat bitch and a selfish lover, it e a long time before I'd let my DH be intimate with me after that sort of behaviour.

How sad

Hello, OP

I always read the Relationships board and I don't often post, but your story is deeply awful and profoundly upsetting, most of all for you, of course.

You deserve so much more.

And, in my opinion (sorry, I really am) you will do nothing. You won't ask him to leave, you will ultimately accept his non-apology and you will die just a little bit more inside when things return to "normal". Please prove me wrong, you sound like such a good person.

Porn, the nasty sort (is there a good sort) really really de-humanises women and it sounds like the sheer viciousness of his remark stems from this habit. It's so disrespectful, not least because you hate it.

Can you start, do you think, by getting him to admit what he said?

Fucking hell!

where do I go from here? The divorce courts.

Your reference to him being "forceful" is worrying. As is the fact that he's now gaslighting to cover his arse.

Most worrying of all is that he's an utter, utter arsehole who you are considering staying with.

Even if you don't want to leave him right now, why not get yourself some free half hours with local solicitors so you know what you would be entitled to - from what you say you are likely to be better off than you are now as that money he's busy spending on himself is FAMILY money. Get some photocopies of his payslips and bank statements and save them somewhere safe. Go the CAB and see what benefits you would be entitled to.

And think about some individual counselling for yourself or the Freedom programme to help build up your self esteem.

Yes, leaving him right now might seem scary but don't rule it out completely until you are fully informed.

And by the way my DH has just told me that he would be dead within 30sec if he called me a fat anything, let alone a bitch. And I am fat so the first bit is really just a fact - but a proper partner respects his wife.

Sorry iv not been back. Had busy day. And only just got dc's to bed. Phew!

Thank you for all your thoughts. I feel better that im not alone with all this swirling round my head.. cant really face talking to anyone in rl at moment. feel so humiliated.
Many of you have such wise words. You all sound so strong and confident and like you take no shit. I just fee pathetic.
My life feels like a total fraude.

He hasnt mentioned it again. Ive avoided him. Cant face him. Dont want to get upset infront of dc's. Cant face the gaslighing. He's made me think im going nuts on a few occasions with lying... Always the same shit. Just cant think how to make it better. Staying or going are both pretty shit options at the moment.
I would be heart broken if one of my beautiful dd's was living like this :(

Oh wots I do feel for you. Remember what a fantastic job you are doing as a mum despite all these difficulties. That shows real strength of character, even though you don't feel strong - you are. Don't underestimate your resilience! You'll get through this difficult time. x

Oh OP it's heartbreaking to read your posts, you sound so down on yourself & so small & hurt and it's awful that another human has done this to you. As with many other posters I'm sure, it also rings bells for me too.

When thinking about leaving, & am not saying you should right now, although of course I hope you feel able to soon as you & your dcs shouldn't have to live like this.

But anyway, when thinking of leaving, & what an immense mountain it seems to be, from your perspective of living at the bottom of a deep dark well... Please realise that to do what you are doing, living in this soul destroying way, that takes huge amounts of strength, resilience & resolve... Mamouth amounts of energy & mental space. In a totally reversed kind if way, you are being so so strong.

Am saying this because you've forgotten your strength & your hope & your self is being squashed by the weight of your daily existence. And for me, it would have helped to know that I had all that strength there being misdirected, which you ll find to help you on your journey when you do make the decision to go.

Wots, you've had some great advice here. Try not to get bogged down in everything; break everything down into manageable chunks and deal with them when you feel like it. It will take a while to get your head around things so take your time, build some strength up (although I bet you're stronger than you give yourself credit for!), keep in touch on here for support, and research your options. Knowledge is power, and when you're ready you can use that power to improve your life.

You are being so kind. Thankyou.

D'h been going on at me today, whats wrong, why are you so uptight. Etc.
Just doesnt get it. Said i was selfish for not explaining to him there and then what the problem was. No sorry, no reassurance, no remorse.

Someone upthread said if i let it go, move on with out resolution i will normalise it and die a little every day... Well i have felt that today.
But on a bright note, i have been doing my running for past few days which makes me more able to cope with it all calmly and think more

You are being so kind. Thankyou.

D'h been going on at me today, whats wrong, why are you so uptight. Etc.
Just doesnt get it. Said i was selfish for not explaining to him there and then what the problem was. No sorry, no reassurance, no remorse.

Someone upthread said if i let it go, move on with out resolution i will normalise it and die a little every day... Well i have felt that today.
But on a bright note, i have been doing my running for past few days which makes me more able to cope ith it all calmly and think more clearly. I am startying to see him for what he is.

A long time ago My sister said he'll keep getting you pregnant to keep you trapped and dependant on him. Thinking this is so true, he was very reluctant to use contraception other night...
Seems to do it when i am just getting my self back after ech child.

Makes me feel really sick.

wots it may not feel like it right now but this is a positive time for you, you're starting to have the blinkers removed and that's great.

It means you can start taking control of your life and standing up for yourself. You're getting your confidence back and he doesn't like that because his control is slipping.

Keep posting her, and I really think you should start thinking about making some big changes in your life. Namely, getting rid of him!

As a DH too, what he said is completely unnacceptable.

End of.

so your sister knows that you are unhappy and he is a tosser?

'Im just ranting sorry.'

Keep ranting wots, I've a feeling what you've told us is just the tip of the iceberg. This wasn't just porny talk. He doesn't respect you one tiny bit, does he?

Your sister knows he's a tosser, as slartybartfast said. Can you talk to her about your general unhappiness with him? Maybe she cam help you garner the support and understanding among your family that you need.

Sure I read in the Lundy book that one tactic is to keep you 'pregnant and barefoot' as a means of asserting control.

Yes keep ranting, it's a healthy sign!

Yes my sister thinks he is a twunt. They barely tolerate eachother.

So i have always found it hard to talk to her about my home life...as she just looks down on me for getting into this situ.

on another note. I was just hoovering all the bed rooms and found 6 empty bottles of whisky and brandy under the spare bed, where dh has been sleeping on and off all yr since ds was born (so we can all get some sleep.)
So now i think there is more going on with him. He has had a rollercoaster relationship with alcohol (and drugs in the past.) Binging. So now i have this to worry about also.
Tried calling his estranged mum and bro today to see if they could talk to him. Didnt answer tho.

Fuck. I just feel like i dont know what to do. If i left with the dc's would he totally lose it and drink himself into oblivion? How could i trust him not to drink when he was in charge of them?

I meant to say he hasnt been drinking much, or so i thought, for about 3 months.
When i write it down it is clear to me he has a serious problem with drink. And if 3 months of being sober is sposed to be good then who am i kidding? Myself right.

I have been royally burrying my head in the sand for years. Nothing changes. I cant make his emotional problems go away by ignoring the bad and focusing on the good... They will keep coming back.
He always says he will get councelling, stop drinking. Bla bla bla... He's never going to do it if i keep pretending its all ok.