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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just called me a... AIBU?

107 replies

wotsDHdoing · 07/11/2012 21:53

So just now we were having, ahem, SEX, and he said something, something, something "... you fat bitch...",

i said "dont call me that", got off him and went upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and cried my heart out.
he called up "sorry, i didn't mean it"
but the damage had been done, i felt shit, like a fat bitch basically, not sexy, not loved, not even very liked...

I lost allot of weight, 2stone, earlier this year but have put on half a stone again recently and i can tell he is disappointed in me for putting it back on.

so have i over reacted?

he then got dressed and has driven off without even seeing if im ok...

by the way we haven't done-the-deed for two months(!) because of one thing and another, kids, sickness, exhaustion, guests staying etc
and it felt like we were really close tonight and i wanted to.... and now i just feel really hurt and angry and unloved.

also he was quite forceful and not very considerate as to my pleasure, which is a reoccurring theme in our sex life.

just not sure if i'm over reacting and either way, where do i go from here.

thanks for any thoughts :)

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 07/11/2012 22:24

Wtf?

If he says he was joking and you were over reacting then that is proof, right there, that he is an utter cunt.

No one in the history of the world has ever thought 'fat bitch' = a joke. Except possibly Frankie Boyle and he actually is a cunt.

tallwivglasses · 07/11/2012 22:27

It sounds like the influence of porn.

Needle-dick.

Original poster
wotsDHdoing · 07/11/2012 22:29

Hully that made me laugh :).
He is a bit of an emotional carcrash. He is like a closed book. Been with him 12 years and he still is a bit of a mystery to me.
He just switches off from me. Wont talk wont show affection. Angry with me that he doesnt see his family, but doesnt make any real effort to contact them. Has no friends. Resents me having friends and family.,. Is a bit of a tosser often. But also loving fun kind dad to our three dc's a good dad. Look afyter us financially.u.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/11/2012 22:30

oh, he's alright after all then

forget what he said, OP and bury your hurt even deeper < sigh >

ImperialBlether · 07/11/2012 22:31

He's not a mystery to me! Open your eyes, OP, and you too will understand him!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/11/2012 22:31

Anyone can be fun-loving with kids and hold down a job.

It is not worth this:

He just switches off from me. Wont talk wont show affection. Angry with me that he doesnt see his family, but doesnt make any real effort to contact them. Has no friends. Resents me having friends and family.,. Is a bit of a tosser often.

Seriously, re-read that. Why stay with a man like that? Why?

sipofwine · 07/11/2012 22:32

Tell him he's shit in bed and then say 'oh sorry, I was only joking' if he gets upset.

He must know that this is a horrible and abusive way to speak to you. I would be concerned about the recent steering towards rough sex, too. He needs to start showing you some consideration - sexually and verbally.

LegArmpits · 07/11/2012 22:32

I'd slap his stupid face for starters.

Pagwatch · 07/11/2012 22:35

Is he being a good dad when he is a total cunt towards their mother?

Pancakeflipper · 07/11/2012 22:35

What he said was really horrible. It's no over reaction to be gutted about that. Is he usually so disrespectful to you?

hildebrandisgettinghappier · 07/11/2012 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 07/11/2012 22:39

This is just awful! Truly awful.

It sounds as though he has completely eroded your self-esteem and you have got to the point where your expectations are very low indeed.

I feel very sad for you. How much longer do you think you can put up with things as they are? I doubt they'll ever change.

Do you mind me asking whether you have thought about practical situation if you decided you'd had enough?

mutny · 07/11/2012 22:39

OP, I don't usually do this but I have searched your previous posts.

Back in 2007 you suspect he was up to something and wanted to leave. what happened to make you stay and have another child with him.

He sounded like a twat back then as well.

He is a twat. an abusive twat.

Ruprekt · 07/11/2012 22:39

How horrible.

Trouble is though is that the damage has been building for a while and it sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg.

Where do you think he has gone?

Why are some men so awful?

Original poster
wotsDHdoing · 07/11/2012 22:40

He does have a 'adult entertainment' habbit. Something i hate. Have had to accet as he just wont sto no matter how much i tell him i hate it. It is something he continues to do. Has done much damage to our relationshi. S0 i think that these comments were influenced by that. Nice :'(

Im not burrying my head in the sand, just stating that there are goood asects of him, eg that he is a good dad most of the time. He affords us a good life, i dont have to work and can be at home with dc's and do my hobbie etc. Not reeally the best reasons for staying i know...

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 07/11/2012 22:40

Really shocked to read your post OP. He is utterly vile. I hope you will not let this go and just smooth it over. It's a totally unacceptable way to treat you, both the selfish, rough sex and the name calling. He is abusive.

I'm so sorry he treated you this way. You do not have to put up with it and you don't deserve it Sad

LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 22:46

He affords us a good life, i dont have to work and can be at home with dc's and do my hobbie etc. Not reeally the best reasons for staying i know...

Hope you'll forgive me for cutting to the chase here, wots, but these are fairly compelling reasons for staying, no?
Don't know what your situation is with being able to change this/wanting to change this, but it seems that what you're saying is that there's a trade off: he supports you materially, you delude yourself that really he's a nice man, he does what the fuck he likes and insults you.
Are you wondering whether this situation is sustainable?
Are you wanting/needing to change it?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/11/2012 22:46

Have had to accet as he just wont sto no matter how much i tell him i hate it. It is something he continues to do.

Is this how you plan to deal with his name-calling and other twuntishness too?

Because no, you don't "have" to accept any of this in your life.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/11/2012 22:47

You really do deserve better.

Original poster
wotsDHdoing · 07/11/2012 22:48

I am a regular but name changed to an old nickname... He has been a twat for a long time yes Munty.
.why did i stay? Because i just cant see a way out i guess...
Because i cant face the thought of having to hand over my kids 50% of the time and have no say as to how he is / what he does with them...
Because i am ashamed of the relationshi being a failure .
Because i dont have any money.
Because i rely on him financially.
we had another baby after having a very good year, theray, got on very well...
The baby is a total joy and i wouldnt be without him :)

1e00&ing

OP posts:
penguinplease · 07/11/2012 22:49

I get your reasoning here, me and my dcs are also very well looked after financially by a not so great dh. I know its pathetic but I had an awful childhood with no money, I just can't do it to my own children. I mostly keep my head down and ignore the shit bits, which with the exception of the fat bitch thing are almost the same as you OP. (we don't have sex so I don't have that issue).
When the time is right for you to go you will know, meanwhile no amount of leave the bastard is going to change that so you have to try to manage what has happened.
good luck. x

AutumnGlory · 07/11/2012 22:53

If you don't want to change all this right now, I mean, separate, just stop having sex and don't get pregnant again. Start saving some money in case he decides to separate himself and if you ever suspect OW keep everything you can to prove and use against him in court.

Original poster
wotsDHdoing · 07/11/2012 22:54

Car just turned into drive. Shit. Dont know what to do. Feel numb.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/11/2012 22:55

Oh, wots. Your total joy of a baby is growing up in a household where he is going to absorb that abuse is the norm in couple relationships.

Don't you see that?

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 07/11/2012 22:56

Good luck wots, don't take any crap!!