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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

persuading your partner to choose to end relationship

28 replies

desparatelyseekingsomething · 07/11/2012 19:39

Has anyone tried this? I want to keep relations as good as possible with oh and so want him to decide that he wants to end the relationship rather than my having to walk out. (I want to because he is (I think) emotionally abusive and he is verbally abusive.)

I was thinking of trying to become more and more boring and to do less and less housework or something similar. I've just started to work FT and I suspect that oh will realise that he actually wants a FT housewife rather than someone who works outside the home.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 07/11/2012 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 07/11/2012 19:46

It sounds like game-playing which is ultimately a waste of your time. If things are going to get nasty during the split, they are going to get nasty. I would bite the bullet and move on with your life, instead of hoping some miracle occurs and he drifts away of his own accord.

Lovingfreedom · 07/11/2012 19:50

Cut down on the housework etc by all means esp if you've got less time on yr hands now you're work ft.
Are you worried he would take it badly or just not want the responsibility of breaking the relationship?

startlife · 07/11/2012 19:51

It sounds manipulative - it's best to be honest.

bigTillyMint · 07/11/2012 19:52

I agree with Natasha. And tribpot.

ILoveSparklers · 07/11/2012 19:53

Why would he end the relationship? Who would he abuse then?

addictedisback · 07/11/2012 19:55

If he's abusive he's not going to end the relationship. You will have to, you will also find it empowering.

LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 19:57

desperately, I still don't get the bit about why you don't finish the relatonship yourself. Why the game playing?

Original poster
desparatelyseekingsomething · 07/11/2012 19:58

Looking back he has always been verbally and (I think) emotionally abusive. Much of our relationship follows the descriptions in "Why does he do that" almost word for word. If I initiate a break up I think that he will continue to be abusive to me - he will still see me as being at fault etc. What I am hoping to do is get to the stage where he starts to think that he will be better off without me and so will agree to split up in an amicable fashion and so we will be able to continue to discuss the children etc.

I think (from reading the book) that he sees himself as entitled to be looked after etc by me. He also sees himself as a victim who is not appreciated fully by anyone around him. I was hoping that he could be persuaded to start to think that he'd be better off with someone else and so want to leave.

OP posts:
LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 20:00

I was hoping that he could be persuaded to start to think that he'd be better off with someone else and so want to leave.

So it's not Ok for you to decide you'd be better off with someone else (or dare I say it alone! Shock) and leave? Why not?

Original poster
desparatelyseekingsomething · 07/11/2012 20:00

Why the game playing? if I walk out he will then really, really hate me and will try to turn the children against me and is quite capable of using them to get at me and that will not be fair on them. Also he will continue to make my life hell.

I can't "just leave him" as we have 3 children. There will always be a lot of contact. He will be part of my life until the youngest is 18, probably longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
desparatelyseekingsomething · 07/11/2012 20:02

So it's not Ok for you to decide you'd be better off with someone else (or dare I say it alone! ) and leave? Why not?

it is okay - but he will not see it like that.

I guess that what I want is an exit strategy what will minimise the chances that he will decide to continue getting at me for ever.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/11/2012 20:02

Game playing is never a good idea. It simply means you are as much a manipulator as he is.I'm all for surviving and escaping in the best way you can, but this will backfire on you

because unfortunately it probably true that he is a much more skilful game player than you are

LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 20:05

Yes, desparately, you can just leave him, if that's what you want to do.
Could it be that your children will respect you far more for doing this than they will if you twist and distort yourself so that he decides to leave you. (And do you really think that in that situation he'd treat/speak of you with respect and encourage DCs to do the same?)

It's possible that he enjoys having 'ownership' of you (and at the moment it sounds like you're collaborating in this attitude). Is it likely then that he'll decide to leave because you're doing some dumb-show of being something you think he won't like?

LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 20:07

And I agree with AF WRT game playing/manipulation.
By doing that you're actually giving him good reason to treat you withoput much respect.

AnyFucker · 07/11/2012 20:08

the thing is, love, while you are still worrying about how he will see it you are already in the game

SparkleSoiree · 07/11/2012 20:17

I am sure someone will correct me but won't that behaviour be passive-aggressive? Not sure of the right term but isn't that emotionally abusive in itself when its taken to the level you are talking about?

If he is as emotionally abusive as you say then no matter how you manage to end it there may still be fall out to deal with. Just go if you want to go, make the decision for yourself and take control of your own life.

Offred · 07/11/2012 21:05

I think you need to think more longterm and outside the relationship here. If he is abusive he may well also abuse the children and you will need to be their protector which means being strong rather than manipulative. It also means being seen to be and actually being totally and utterly fair and reasonable whilst also insisting on things which protect your children from the risks he may pose to them after the relationship breaks down.

Who is he going to abuse if he forgets you? Your dc that's who.

If he feels entitled to own you he will not just decide he is better off without you, he will escalate abuse until you comply, if that means involving the children then he will. Unfortunately if he is abusive he won't just be willing to give up all the power he gets from abusing and decide to both find and put work into a new victim, it would be much easier to just escalate in order to keep the one he has. If you plan to be apart and think he will be horrible then this is fairly unavoidable no matter how it ends.

I also think, learning from my mistakes, you can't polish a turd, pussyfooting around an abuser or cleaning up their emotional messes just delays the inevitable, sometimes the best thing and healthiest is to fight your way through the reality of the situation and come out of the other end with honesty and life skills for dealing with the abuser effectively.

You will need support whatever you do. Women's aid are great and will help you whatever you decide to do and however you decide to do it,

LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 21:08

Really good post, Offred.

Lovingfreedom · 07/11/2012 21:09

If you want out then make it happen. You could wait forever for him to leave you. It's useful for you to have a job now. Make a plan to split from him and put into action.

LastMangoInParis · 07/11/2012 21:16

Agree with Lovingfreedom too!

Leaving a relationship is always horrible. Of course he won't make it easy for you, you know that. Most likely you'll need support: get it where you can - from friends if possible, a counsellor, Women's Aid if you need to, on MN: make sure you keep talking to people and that you're not going through the experience alone. Lots of people have been there and will be able to tell you about their experiences. I hope that you'll get support and manage to leave, rebuild self-esteem and independence and enjoy your freedom and being yourself rather than what you think someone else wants (or doesn't want!) you to be.

Lueji · 07/11/2012 21:24

I agree.
Even if he's the one to leave, even fir someone else, he's likely to continue to abuse you and, yes, the children.
He'll still bad mouth you and place fault on you and make your like miserable.

The only way is to be assertive and in control of your life.

higgyjig · 07/11/2012 22:47

Don't do this shit, I've been on the end of it, it's the pits

ThereGoesTheYear · 07/11/2012 22:50

That sort of game might work in a new/casual relationship. But I can't see it working if you have DC together. He's not going to just forget you, is he? The thing is, he already despises you and mistreats you. Why would that change for the better just because you start to piss him off by not doing the housework?

ThereGoesTheYear · 07/11/2012 22:52

You're obviously feeling powerless here and looking for some way to control this. This is a very useful instinct. Use it to get as much support as possible. Speak to Women's Aid, a solicitor, benefits checker etc., and leave on your terms and to your timetable.