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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband acting like a jerk!

98 replies

whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:16

He has a friend, an ex colleaugue who he sees twice a week. They often go to the cinema together . I trust him, but don't trust her as she is always stand offish to me and I am certain she fancies him, a lot.
Last night he went to a work leving party. she came and he has told me this morning he pid for her all night. club entry. drinks. cab home. this pisses me off as we have a newborn dd and are living on one wage and my measly incpome support. i have to ask and persuade him to buy me little things like a hairdye yet he happily blew £60 on her. he also paid for her to go to the cinema last weekend.

he then told me this morning that he pretended to his work colleaugues that she was me! wtf!he was laughing about it and said they have met her before and he was just winding them up for not remebering her. i am so pissed off.
they have never met me before as i am never invited on these nights out.

he also did not tell his work colleagues we were having a baby until a month bfore the birth. his explanation was 'it's none of their business'
what is he doing! do you think i should be suspicious. it's all so crap, but surely he wouldnt have mentioned his 'joke' if there was anything more sinister behind it.
i.e i'm imagining him and her getting it on in pub and telling work colleagues she was me so they don't get pissed off at him for cheating on his wife and baby
i don't know what to think

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 01/04/2006 09:18

Show him the door, what a dreadful person.

lockets · 01/04/2006 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:22

i know. he seems to think i am over reacting.

he did a strange thing a while go too. he told his workmtes i used to weigh 25 stone and had slimmed down to 10 . as a joke. this is not in anyway true and just weird right!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:27

She also gave him a passport photo of her all dolled up and posing. My mum went crazy when she saw it and I told her who it was.
Am i being a fool here.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 01/04/2006 09:27

This is either an April Fool or you need to talk to him seriously!If you have a new baby he should be home with you helping out not out spending 60 quid on someone else.

Carmenere · 01/04/2006 09:28

You are being very trusting, do you think he loves you?

Carmenere · 01/04/2006 09:29

I thought it was an april fool too tbh. If it's not, what does that say about your relationship?

Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:30

Yes we have been married for three years and our bby was very much planned . We had a tough time ttc.

I think I have been ignoring the signs because I want things to be perfect for our baby. But thats not working obviously.

Not a very funny april fools is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:31

He has gone to work now after a huge row. I'm trying to work out what to say to him later. I feee like sending a bitchy text to his friend but don't want to make myself look like a fool.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 01/04/2006 09:32

Blimey If it was my dp i would think there was something going on between them(sorry)as he sees her so regularly and treats her like a girlfriend not just a friend.Why does he pay for her fgs?I would really put my foot down with this as I think it goes beyond normal friendship I really feel for you with a new baby and a git like that for a partner

Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:36

Thing is. Not to sound arrogant . But she's not particularly attrctive. She is also really immature and spends a lot of time whining about diets and telling boring stories about people we don't know or care about. They have a laugh together, that's why they are friends but she's so far from his 'type'

OP posts:
Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:39

But yes. Paying for her, when I have to justify money spent on groceries is really not fair. And I don't know why he does it.

I'll stop going on about it now. The only thing I can do is talk to him when he gets home and try to figure out whats going on. I will keep you all updated.

Hope you're not all right and I'm just being blind to his tosserish ways.

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 01/04/2006 09:48

You do need to have a word with your DH about respect. This is a woman who doesn't afford you any respect when she meets you, she may well see you as competition. The money is a huge issue as well. He's letting her think she has the upper hand and taking money away from you and the baby is as basic as it gets - she's taking two crucial resources away from the home, money and time. Either he is a fool not to see this or he's playing it willfully.

I think you need to have a big serious chat with DH about how he sees himself. If he's having trouble coming to term with being a father. What are his friends like? Are any of them respectful partners and dads. It may be peer pressure. Either way he needs to stop being a fool and get hos priorities right.

noddyholder · 01/04/2006 09:51

I am also amazed that when he does something so ridiculous as pay for her etc he tells you That looks to me like he is trying to hurt/antagonize you deliberately.Really mean and thoughtless

Carmenere · 01/04/2006 09:54

It may be innocent, it may not be, she may fancy him, he may be flattered. But what about you? I think that you should try to organise to go out together a bit more often. Tbh my dp wouldn't go to something I wasn't invited to, or if it was a specific work do, he'd only go once in a blue moon. Your dh is not young free and single anymore and it is very inconsiderate of him to behave like he is. And as for spending money on her, well that is just daft. Put your foot down a bit here girl!

beetroot · 01/04/2006 09:59

this has to be an april fool

if not, he istaing you for a ride. nothing wrong with female mates, but not a mistress

tigermoth · 01/04/2006 10:10

really hope this is an april fool thread but if now, I would be furious with my husband if he did that. The money, the deceit, the disrespect to you.

Does your dh like to look big in front of his colleagues - does he like to splash money around generally or is it just with this woman?

Any chance your dh is earning more than he lets on? has he done any overtime etc, have you seen his wage packet or bank statements?

Clutching at straws, but could there be any blackmail involved? could this woman have something on your dh and he is paying her to shut up about it?

I would really tackle the money issue head on - it is totally unacceptable.

suzywong · 01/04/2006 10:15

that's an interesting idea, maybe she does have something on your husband

You need to get him to open up to you which will be tricky as you want to rip his head off.

If you want to stay together then you need to approach him gently and ask him what's going on.

Good luck

awayninahmanger · 01/04/2006 10:31

Not being attractive doesn't mean anything, sadly - some men are just v susceptible to flattery - speaking as someone who was rung and informed that my p was 'escorting' a barmaid with severe acne - apparently they had a laugh together
It's hard to be such a great laugh when you are 8 months pregnant, which is when this happened to me
In the long term I think she did me a favour by opening my eyes once and for all to what kind of person my p really is.
I'd leave the baby with him for a couple of evenings to help him wake up to reality

nicolajc · 01/04/2006 10:46

Feel so angry for you reading what you put
if i was you i would chuck him out if you dont and this goes on and on what kind of example are you setting for your daughter when she is a lot older she will be in the same kind of relationship as she will think its the norm to let men belittle her.

so i would pack his things ready send himon his way then phone up the ugly tart and say hes all yours now love and when she asks what you on about you can explain that she is depriving his daughter of clothes, food, toys and time as he spends all his time with her and then i would say hope you both happy together.

If that dont bring him to his senses i dont know what would, big hugs for you and dont forget a happy mommy=a happy baby Smile

Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 13:29

You could be right. Before the baby he spoke a lot about how having a baby was much more of commitment than marriage (true imho too), maybe he had a last ditch 'fling' and she is now using it aginst him
But then as I barely know her, so wouldn't hear any stories from her, he could have just cut her out of his life rather than pandering to her.
I know exctly his income as i deal with all household admin. I guess thats why he tells me he hs spent money on her as i would obviously question £100 plus drawn on a friday night.

I feel like I'm being a fool..my life these dys is all baby and housework. I don't want to go out with friends as i'd miss my dd at night too much at the moment.

Worst is, I've been stewing over this all morning. Taken it out on the bathroom and cleaned the tiles top to bottom. Now want to down a glass of wine to forget / shout about it. A friend is coming around soon and I just want to take the baby to her grans so I can get drunk and enjoy myself.

It's so unlike me. I Haven't had a drink since way before I became pregnant.

Thanks for all your advice. It Gives me some things to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 13:37

oh. and are you suggesting this thread is april fools, or dh's behaviour?
either is far from funny!

And. Do any of you try to guess who the poster is when it's a regular that chnges their name? I hope not as I don't want everyone in my postnatal thread to know this. I use them for talking and hearing about happy times and don't want to burden them with this crap.

OP posts:
busybusybee · 01/04/2006 13:49

WHatatosser - I didnt for a second think this was an april fool

Your dp sounds like a complete fool though - Please dont allow yourself to look like a fool by allowing him to continue treating you so badly

{{{{{{}}}}}} I know some of what you are going through

Original poster
whatatosser · 01/04/2006 14:03

busybusybee, what have you gone through that is similar? hearing your story will really help

In new news. he just texted to say he's working until 7 (should have finished at 3)
don't know if he's avoiding me after row or what.

OP posts:
cataloguequeen · 01/04/2006 15:35

Sounds like your husband is going through something mine did when I my second dd was born NFA= New Father Arseholeness.

Being a complete arsehole spending money that we needed/didn't have, out and about with friends and their was a girl-friend too(not ex)who was living in his old flat, he worked as a Doorman at the time so I think he was in some fantasy double life still acting like he was single Angry...

I couldn't take it anymore and one day I had my mother take the girls, I cooked him a particularly good meal (through gritted teeth)made sure he was very happy and afterwards I told him I had something important to talk about and I told him exactly how I felt..

ask him how would he feel if you went out twice a week left him with the baby and went to the cinema with some male ex colleague, how he would feel if you spent £60 pounds on the guy and when he wants something simple he has to persuade you to get it!! ask him why you are not invited to these nights out? let him see what you are feeling because youarenotwrong*Angry

my dh was so shocked when I turned what he was doing on him that he had to admit he was wrong and would be totally pissed if I did the same to him, he even admitted he was acting like single man and an arsehole and because we weren't fighting at time he was totally thrown, maybe this can work for you.

Sorry if I'm going on.. your post just reminded me of my situation 2 years ago and how hurt I was, just know that you are not being unreasonable and you have to let him know what you are feeling.Goodluck babex

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