Husband acting like a jerk!

[whatatosser]

He has a friend, an ex colleaugue who he sees twice a week. They often go to the cinema together . I trust him, but don't trust her as she is always stand offish to me and I am certain she fancies him, a lot.
Last night he went to a work leving party. she came and he has told me this morning he pid for her all night. club entry. drinks. cab home. this pisses me off as we have a newborn dd and are living on one wage and my measly incpome support. i have to ask and persuade him to buy me little things like a hairdye yet he happily blew £60 on her. he also paid for her to go to the cinema last weekend.

he then told me this morning that he pretended to his work colleaugues that she was me! wtf!he was laughing about it and said they have met her before and he was just winding them up for not remebering her. i am so pissed off.
they have never met me before as i am never invited on these nights out.

he also did not tell his work colleagues we were having a baby until a month bfore the birth. his explanation was 'it's none of their business'
what is he doing! do you think i should be suspicious. it's all so crap, but surely he wouldnt have mentioned his 'joke' if there was anything more sinister behind it.
i.e i'm imagining him and her getting it on in pub and telling work colleagues she was me so they don't get pissed off at him for cheating on his wife and baby
i don't know what to think

Do it - it'll be cathartic!

He spends money on her, takes her out twice a week,defends her and runs you down?

That is just wrong.

WAT, jsut been catching up on your thread
I don't have a similar experience by my friend does. Her husband just eats at her confidence with comments which are completely inappropriate - 'no-one will be interested in you anyway', whilst doing his own thing. Eventually you begin to believe these things. Don't let him undermine your confidence. Having a new baby is going to turn your world upside down but that is no excuse to behave like he is.
I'm sorry there is nothing to make it all ok. Good Luck and I hope it works out for you, whatever decision you make.

Thing is I have huge emotional ties to him, and the idea of us as a family.
Not to mention financial.
I sank almost all my savings/ inheritance into our mortgage. I Have also dipped into it for new clothes for me and DD/ baby equipment as I feel I can't ask him, so only have £4'000 or so left, how could I set up a new home for me and dd with that!?
I'm not earning anything right now , or for the forseeable,(choice, i don't want anyone but me bringing my baby up) , what would I do if I left him?

btw, the money isn't really the problem, I still feel like we should work at our marriage!?

My dh is a SAHD and the extent of me going out and larging it with other people is the possibility of a single drinky after work on a Friday if time permits me still to get the train home so I am here for bath-time. And I always clear that with him in advance, and my ds is 9 months old. Your little one is 6 weeks - why is he going out at all, never mind such regular contact with one individual of the opposite sex?

You control the dosh, I suggest you treat yourself to 60 quid and leave him with the baby one night when he's back. If nothing else, I can assure you your local Mumsnet posse will be pleased to assist you in spending a night away from this - as you aptly put it - tosser.

yep - s I sid to him, rols reversed I'd be desperate to get home to out baby
he will come in at 1am stinking of booze and smoke and pick her up, and when I complain he says I'm denying him time with her.
If he wants it why not come home in time for her last feed/bath/story!
and why wake me up because he's disturbed her for a cuddle at god knows what time in the night/morning because he just got home and 'missed her last night' and now she is crying, but he's got work in the morning so doesnt want to 'deal with her'
argh

I'm speechless. He wakes her up and then says he is too tired to deal with her cos of work in the morning? If my dh did that to me I would change the locks one night when he was out on the piss and that would be that.

Re: dipping into your savings / mortgage because you don't want to ask him for money - I think you know in your heart that's just not right.

What a lot for you to deal with, the first 3 months are very hard anyway without all this. When did you move and lose contact with people?

I know
he has a very stressful job , he often works til late , needs to go way, entertain his clients etc,
and at first I thought fair enough, he wants to spend time with dd, and accepted him disturbing us both in the early hours but I shouldnt accept it I know
Especially whn he does it after nights out with people like this 'friend'
Don't want to moan at friend too much as she's in a poor situation too, but no doubt we will just moan and cry at each other, and like you said, it will be good for us probably.

tribpot,I moved from my home country around 8 years ago, then we have moved round australia, u.k, japan and u.s.a, mainly with me following dh's work commitments around the world. (lots of time spent living in hotels)
we only just settled in edinburgh a couple of years ago and then we had to moved here
hence I really don't have many family or friends around, but what a nasty thing to throw in my face right!

wat do you have any male friends
if so
I suggest you go out and spend £60 on a night out with them
see how your dh feels about that

sorry if I sound sarcastic but i think you are being treated so unfairly and disrespectfully

Yes I do have male friends..
but for some reason I treat them differently, i.e with my girlfriends , often on nights out, I buy them a couple, they buy them for me.
If they are broke that week then I pay, they will do the same for me and it all comes back round iyswim
thought dh was doing the same for this friend but now think not.
tbh I wouldn't go to the cinema and for a meal alone with male friend, as much as I know theres nothing between us it seems like a 'date' and as a married mother i shouldn't entertain such things.

wat neither should a married man
but he feels it is ok
why not you
I think your dh needs a sharp wake up call imo

Yes he does.
This is why his trip away has come at a good time
I feel I can gather my thoughts on this without his presence to influence it

Fucker just sent me a text from stockholm, all lovey dovey, as though nothing is going on with us right now.
I could cry. I don't have the energy for this crap. I want to put my all into our daughter and this is making me sad and I don't see a way out which isn't good for her I should just get out of here right now right?

wat no you just make a stand sweetie
dont be walked over
xxx

Sorry I am ranting this tbh, it's all stuff I should be working out in my own head, not telling you guys ,some of which no doubt have worse troubles of your own.

haven't caught up with the whole thread yet but he needs to be reminded that they are not his wages, they are the families and that if you weren't staying at home and looking after the baby for no money, he'd be doing it and wouldn't have any money either!

whatatosser, feel free to rant here, yes everyone has troubles of their own but that doesn't make yours any less important. And it can really help to get stuff down in black and white.

Now, I know people in Stockholm, I can put a hit out on him if that will help?!

Sounds like you've made a lot of sacrifices for him and his career - which is fine, I'm not condemning that at all. But the reason why you don't have a group of friends where you are is because you are constantly moving around for him and dh should acknowledge that, not throw it up in your face in this way.

Ordinarily, like you I wouldn't go out with a male friend on my own for dinner or a movie, although I have suggested it as a possibility to my dh but that's because he is too ill to do any socialising so that's difficult for me. But I would always be very up-front about it, it would be a once-in-a-while deal and nothing like what your dh seems to regard as normal.

He does seem to have a bad case of NFA and has decided to carry on his life as if he were still in the pre-child days. Since you can't share in that, he'll just go out with people who can.

He has a very stressful job - you are doing an INCREDIBLY stressful job. He has to work late - you have to work 24 hours a day.

Having said all that, I wouldn't make any sudden moves at this stage. These are early days for you all and there is stress all around. Just adapting to the reality of being a parent is incredibly difficult and impossible to explain to anyone else. For blokes, for whom life can often go on more like before (although he's taking the piss in this regard!) I think it can take longer for the reality to sink in.

Equally, you can't go on as you are. I'd be tempetd to force the issue if I were you by emptying the current account so that he can't withdraw any dosh on his next night out (report his cards stolen as well, ha ha). Obviously I don't mean go and spend it all, but move it to a savings account. If he won't deal with things when you try and discuss them with him properly, maybe he will when he is embarrassed in front of his mates? I don't think it's a win-win strategy but he sounds like he needs a short, sharp shock and short of you moving out, I don't know what that's going to be.

my husband works shifts, when he works days he doesn't get to see the girls as they're in bed by the time he gets home. If he woke them in order see them and then leave the tired crying baby for me to deal with, it would probably be the last thign he ever did.
Your baby needs unbroken sleep as much as you do, I would put my foot down on this point if nothing else, next time you go see your hv take him with you and ask sweetly, how beneficial it is for your dd to be woken from sleep by a drunken man smelling of cigarettes.

Do you think some kind of counselling could help your situation??

I wonder sometimes how many men consider how much money they would have to spend in order to receive the services their wives/partners give them ie cook, cleaner, childminder, counsellor, conjugal duties......etc

oh, crikey - what a tosser indeed!

How much have you put into the mortgage WoT? Go and see the solicitor to find out if you're entitled to get your share + interest back. And then maybe you should call his bluff. When he gets back be nice and normal but calmly (!) tell him you've had enough and want to separate before things get nasty for the sake of DD.

If he wants the life he had before, ha can have it but it isn't fair to you or DD for him to try and have both, that way will only breed resentment. If he wants to be a husband and father then he needs to make that choice and that means leaving the 'single' life behind with no regrets. I'd write it down actually go out with DD and leave it for him to read on his own.

I know you don't want to leave but you sound like, if you had to, you would choose DD over him, which, if he's isn't going to stop being such a terrible partner and father, I'm sure will be the best option for all three of you.

I'm not saying rush to leave, but I think you need to find out what he wants. If you're both not on the same track then it's about as serious as it gets (violence apart of course, but thank god there's none of that.)

Good luck

You are married, therefore, his earnings are your money too. Can you take £60 out of the bank and buy yourself something nice?

If not, tell him that you are going back to work and that he can be a SAHD! Remind him that you used to earn more than him, and that it makes more sense for you to be the breadwinner.

Men like that really piss me off. They want you to stay at home and look after their child, and then rub your nose in the fact that you don't earn any money....

well things aren't so good.he got back from his trip early, we had a long talk, i told him how i feel about her and he laughed and said yet again 'yes all her friends wives hate her, thought you were above that'
basically, he hadnt listened to a word and is taking this all too lightly (but then again maybe such a blase attitude means he is innocent, i don't know tbh)
then he spent 1 and 1/2 hours on the phone to her on sunday, when i (and dd) was waiting to go out shopping and for lunch (i already had her coat on when she called him)
he gave her lots of sympathy as she has a cold , yet the other day when i had a killermigraine it was barely even noted and it was me who did dds bath, sterlising and everything that evening)
we went out for lunch on sunday and he said everyone at work assumes hes having an affair, i asked him seriously well are you and he laughed and said 'no they are all sad people with nothing better to think'
how insensitive to mention that with everything going on.

now she has added me to her msn contacts and her username is 'i really think i'm falling in love'
i don't know what to do or think

am i blind to the obvious signs, or just being paranoid and making something out of nothing?

am fuming here because he's being so senseless. Ok the stressful job thing - like tribpot I'm the worker bee and DH stays at home with Mr Adorable. My job is classed as stressful and I have a long commute. I love Mondays. Its so much easier to deal with work stress than toddler/baby stress. I can go to the loo all by myself and everything. He needs to understand how stressful YOUR day is. Can you leave him with dd for the day, take some of your joint income and go to a spa?

Secondly the work friend. I work in a male dominated industry and its common for me to be the only girl on a project team. Fairly regularly I have to socialise or even go to black tie events. If that happens I err on the side of the frump in attire as I do not want them to see me as a desirable woman (ok chance would be a fine thing, what with my ginger fur and whiskers but...). I wouldn't have the kind of reln she seems to have because it'd completely undermine me in the office. So is she thinking more is gonna come? hell yes.

BUT that doesn't mean your DH is at it. He may be oblivious (c',mon how often have we flung ourselves at a bloke only for him to miss the point completely? no? just me? really? oh).

Bottom line is he's getting away with this behaviour that upsets you because you let him. Time to put the bitch voice on and sort it out. How would you deal with a colleague who behaved in a way you didn't like? I'd write it down and then very calmly take him through it. He needs to know. And if he is at it then I'll come round and help you stomp on his valuables.

He may well be innocent to an affair but she sure as hell wants him. She isn't to be trusted. The fact this upsets you and he doesn't care is the worry here. I had a situation with my dh where money was "tight". He told me to watch the spending and I complied. Then his teenage niece rings up and says she would like to go to xyz concert in London, wtf!!!. So he buys her a ticket plus himself = £100. I wasn't even considered or invited. She then invited her male pal along but he didn't arrive cos his girlfriend said no way! She stayed at ours for a week on her own and I had to entertain her as I was a sahm. We had several rows about it - I even asked if she was his love child - pmsl but the bitch in me couldn't resist it. I know he'll never do it again as he now realises and admits he was wrong. You need to get him to see your side.