Husband acting like a jerk!

[whatatosser]

He has a friend, an ex colleaugue who he sees twice a week. They often go to the cinema together . I trust him, but don't trust her as she is always stand offish to me and I am certain she fancies him, a lot.
Last night he went to a work leving party. she came and he has told me this morning he pid for her all night. club entry. drinks. cab home. this pisses me off as we have a newborn dd and are living on one wage and my measly incpome support. i have to ask and persuade him to buy me little things like a hairdye yet he happily blew £60 on her. he also paid for her to go to the cinema last weekend.

he then told me this morning that he pretended to his work colleaugues that she was me! wtf!he was laughing about it and said they have met her before and he was just winding them up for not remebering her. i am so pissed off.
they have never met me before as i am never invited on these nights out.

he also did not tell his work colleagues we were having a baby until a month bfore the birth. his explanation was 'it's none of their business'
what is he doing! do you think i should be suspicious. it's all so crap, but surely he wouldnt have mentioned his 'joke' if there was anything more sinister behind it.
i.e i'm imagining him and her getting it on in pub and telling work colleagues she was me so they don't get pissed off at him for cheating on his wife and baby
i don't know what to think

thanks
funny thought of you helping stomp his valuables I hope it won't come to that

i just don't know if he is insensitive and i am hypersensitive or if there is something sordid happening

why has she suddenly added me to her msn contacts for example? maybe he has told her about whatihave said?,
also when he's on the phone to her he sits in the bathroom as thats the most remote place in the house, why?!

because its easier for her to control your reactions if she is also in touch with you. Think of all the hints she can let slip in a casual manner over msn.

Don't get paranoid about it, but do be cautious. Greeks bearing gifts and all that.

whatatosser, when a man has to go into the bathroom to speak, trust me... something is not right! it's an excuse.. you are not crazy to feel this way you are sensitive because your h is acting like an arse and that woman adding you to her msn is just rubbing it in! username 'I really think I'm fallin in love' ffs I could upper cut her right now!! ask him who she's in love with?
there may not be anything going on at the mo but if she has her way there will be.. she is relishing the fact that she seems to have more power than you over your h... I think it's time to snoop...need any tips?

whatsoever, you are not over reacting to this situation- your dh is playing with fire- he has/is forming an emotional attachment to this work colleague that goes beyond the normal boundaries- twicw a week out with another woman onm what sounds like a date!
I speak from experience as my dh had an affair with a work colleague two years ago- it started just as friends someone different to talk to then meeting for coffe, then drinks, then dinner (I knew none of this) it ended up in a full blown affair that very nearly tore us apart and we had been happy together for some 16 years upto then. After lots of hurt pain and counselling it was his reaction to being made redundant- no excuse but an explaination. If you dh is having trouble adjusting to the new life with a chid perhaps this is his reaction- escapism. The trouble is in my opinion he is having an affair- he may not yet have a physical relationship with this woman but it sure looks like it's heading that way- but he is giving away to her part of himself that belongs to you- out with her twice a week secret phone calls for hours- he has overstepped the mark. I know you know about it but this does not make it right- you are now trying to tell him how it makes you feel you are right to do so honey he is falling into trouble- the fantasy and escapism of such a relationship will end in lots of pain for all concerned.
Do you have any contact with this woman? When I found out about my dh- I realised he had lost touch with reality and so had she- I went to see her, I told her about us, how long we'd been together, our children all we'd been through, what brought us together in the first place- I wanted her to face reality and my dh too.It worked in the end- he eventually snapped out of it and realised just what he was doing and what he was risking.
However there was a period when he was totally arrogant and well- in denial about what he was doing- it sounds to me your dh is doing just that- trying to deflect his feelings of unease about this relationship onto you by making you feel as if you're over reacting. You are not- you must make him listen- bring this relationship out in the open- make reality hit him. see what his friends, family etc would say about how he is behaving- he's closing his eyes to the obvious at the moment- this is an inappropriate friendship he is married he has a wife and child- he's behaving like a single man.
I so hope you can get through to him- or her- try not to be attacking and defensive- but tell them how it looks to you and the whole world- it's not right and he is heading for so much heart ache if he continues ( I'd love to get him alone in a room for 10 mins and explain the agony of an affair to him)It may not be too late yet but you desreve better than this.
This is the "for better for worse bit" if he doesn't realise soon he'll lose you.

You are so right Mat. I had a similar experience my dh. this is 'the for better for worse' moment

I would bet my bottom dollar he is having an affair. Have you read Mrs Miggins thread?

I would turn the tables here and ask him to leave. He might realise that you are to be taken seriously too. He needs to start valuing his marriage and to stop taking you for granted.

Does your DH generally take his phone calls in the bathroom? TBH this alone would set alarm bells ringing for me.

There may not be anything going on but you need to find out one way or the other, and as your DH doesn’t appear to be being honest with you I think maybe it’s time to take matters into your own hands and find out one way or the other. Could you follow your DH next time he goes out to meet this woman? Do you have access to his emails/msn conversations, if you set msn to save all conversations then all his conversations with this woman will be saved, and he’s unlikely to realize that you’ve changed things on the computer. Do you know any of his work colleagues who would perhaps do some finding out for you? Or better still, do you know the wife of a work colleague who might go on one of these nights out and be able to give you a better insight into what is going on?

yes,i must admit for me having an afair is much more thn the sex.
the thought of him having an intimate personal relationship which i am excluded from is more sickening than if he'd had a one night stand
hope you see whati mean with this
i know she added me to her msn for some spiteful reason , just as she sent me an invite to her birthday party in a club when i was 8 months pregnant and had chronic back pain so could barely leave the house ( DH went, of course)

tbh i would never be comfortable with 'spying' on him, though i do occasionally look at his texts, and how funny he has none from her even though she texts him all the time,he obviously deletes them, and why?

sorry if what i've postd doesn't make sense.
i'm just sitting here and typing it out is really making things clear for me
i am in tears
i keep looking over at our beautiful baby fast asleep so innocent to what f*kedup parents she has
i'm so sad about his, this wasn't how it should have
been.

Do you love him babe? If you do then find out the truth and deal with it...it is better to know any way you can than to keep living with a terrible uncertainty...btw everyone is fucked up

I am so sorry you are suffering like this.

But you are right he IS a tosser and she is a bitch.The way they have been behaving is completely OUTRAGEOUS.

get it sorted out asap, you cant go on like this.........

Good luck

whatatosser, you poor thing. Don't feel bad or to blame, your baby is the most important thing and giving her your love is all she really needs.

Personally I think whether your dh is having an affair is an irrelevant detail. The way he is behaving is thoroughly unacceptable, whatever the cause. Taking the phone into the bathroom is completely bizarre (I would have 'accidentally' picked up another extension and said "OH SORRY DIDN'T REALISE YOU WERE ON THE PHONE" and then maybe pulled the base station out of the wall and blamed it on the baby). Talking for an hour and a half when you were waiting to go out - again, no. Bloody rude for anyone to do that, never mind a dh and father of your child!

Quite agree with meowmix, and I would block her on MSN, why would you want to talk to her?

BUT .. he obviously wants you to focus on her so he can make it into you being a "jealous wife" like all the other jealous wives. (As meowmix says, this is something any sane woman in a male-dominated industry seeks to avoid so as not to be beaten to death with forks by jealous wives at the Xmas party!). I would side-step all that, it doesn't matter whether he is or isn't having an affair with her - obviously it does, but either way his behaviour is unacceptable. Put this back on him, not her.

He needs a short, sharp shock. I'd be tempted to print this thread out for him and see just what the MN jury have to say about him.

I’m not sure I would block her on msn, in fact I’d change my name to provoke a bit of insecurity on her part. I’d change it to “he’s said he’d never be interested in a slapper like her anyway”. And then when you’re sure she’s signed in and seen the name, I would block her. I know this is maybe a bit low and possibly even stooping to her level, but reality is that she has no idea what he’s told you about her, and if she has an inkling that your DH has been slagging her off to his wife, that might make her feel just a little bit doubtful about whether she really is the woman in his life.

I would suggest you don't play games just focus on the facts. does your dh know what she's done on msn and what her signin name is? Please tell him and ask him his opinion on that fact! Ask him to imagine it were a male colleague friend of yours- tables turned.... you need to bang home the facts to your dh to get him out of this ridiculous fantasy he's in with this woman.
She is trying to mess with your mind now-(because she's in the weak position ) (I know from the lies the woman told in my dh affair, the things she said to me to try and mess with my emotions and mind- in the end it helped my dh realise just what sort of a person she really was- it backfired on her- make sure your dh has this fact about this woman and the msn thing)
When I look back on what I went through the one thing I regret is not getting tougher sooner and shouting the facts to everyone sooner than I did- I went through a lot of pain before I managed to bring reality into it. I implore you not to pussyfoot around the issue- even if it ends badly - you cannot live like this you and your baby are the most important things your dh needs to realise- don't play games just put the facts to him:facts
he's married
has a child
he's not single but is acting like it
he's spending too much time with another woman
he's confiding in her when it should be you
he's not listening to you
he's disrespecting you and your marriage
if he needs help- not happy- you can help him get through whatever but only together not with a stranger
at the moment there is a stranger in your marriage- whatever is going on she's coming between you
she is now trying to mess with your mind
how would he feel if it were you and a man?
give him the facts honey.

Boy oh boy oh boy!
whatatosser - just give me the reasons you are staying with him please?

Rhubarb, they have a seven week old baby. Not a reason to stay with him, of course, but equally I barely knew what my own name was at 7 weeks, never mind making life-changing decisions about my marriage!

Ok, but a time to be making plans to leave then?

Tbh, it sounds as though he has always been like this and I just wondered if whatatosser thought he might change after the baby was born. But there have been no changes and so there are unlikely to ever be any. So once you have got back on your feet - please don't say that you'll give him another chance or make excuses for him, he's taken advantage of you and treated you appaulingly when you most needed care and attention. Please tell us that you will leave him!

quite right ggglimpopo
sounds all too familiar unfortunately

1 1/2 hrs on the phone to her
making you feel paranoid
what the f#ck is he doing phoning her from home?

to fight for your marriage, please try to be strong and do what maturer suggests - make him see how foolish/unfair he is being

you can do this by yourself - he has to provide a home for you & your DD. He has to give you money.

I am doing it by myself but in the end I had to realise that unfortunately "for better for worse" meant nothing to my H. I had PND with a toddler & 6mth old baby and he told me to "stop wallowing in self pity"
Last night I found out that he had his mistress on MSN but had her conveniently blocked so that she couldnt suddenly MSN me !!!

You want to keep the happy family dream but sounds at the moment like you dont have it.

I really feel for you.

What a selfish arsehole he is. My dw would hit the roof and rightly so.

she'll want contact with you because its a control thing - she;s all over his life then. Set yourt stall out with dh, sounds like his heads been turned - lets face it, nights in the pub ARE more fun than taking turns at chores etc and it sounds like he has no sense that he could lose his family as a result. You've got to make him see that.

fun + other woman + disrespect to me = lonely old age with no family while I whoop it up with gorgeous rich younger man....

the 'all her mates' wives hate her and i thought you were above that' stuff really REALLY gets to me even though it's probably the least of it!

2 responses

1. yes, and I thought you were above trying to manipulate my emotions like a teenage girl, guess I was wrong and so were you
2. If you can keep your head while all around are losing theirs and blaming it on you, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation

How are things hon?