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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband acting like a jerk!

98 replies

whatatosser · 01/04/2006 09:16

He has a friend, an ex colleaugue who he sees twice a week. They often go to the cinema together . I trust him, but don't trust her as she is always stand offish to me and I am certain she fancies him, a lot.
Last night he went to a work leving party. she came and he has told me this morning he pid for her all night. club entry. drinks. cab home. this pisses me off as we have a newborn dd and are living on one wage and my measly incpome support. i have to ask and persuade him to buy me little things like a hairdye yet he happily blew £60 on her. he also paid for her to go to the cinema last weekend.

he then told me this morning that he pretended to his work colleaugues that she was me! wtf!he was laughing about it and said they have met her before and he was just winding them up for not remebering her. i am so pissed off.
they have never met me before as i am never invited on these nights out.

he also did not tell his work colleagues we were having a baby until a month bfore the birth. his explanation was 'it's none of their business'
what is he doing! do you think i should be suspicious. it's all so crap, but surely he wouldnt have mentioned his 'joke' if there was anything more sinister behind it.
i.e i'm imagining him and her getting it on in pub and telling work colleagues she was me so they don't get pissed off at him for cheating on his wife and baby
i don't know what to think

OP posts:

catsmother · 01/04/2006 15:47

He's treating you with contempt (the stupid stories he tells about you are humiliating enough, but then to "squire" a supposedly platonic friend about as well .... jeez) and I think this "friend" is behaving like a totally spoilt selfish cow for letting another woman's husband pay for her (especially to that extent) when they "innocently" go out. Fact is, by doing this, he is "treating" her ..... yet you have to plead for basics ?

Disgraceful, the pair of them. Yet however shallow and ignorant she may be, she is not the problem here, your husband is.

Why does he see her so often ? My DP has a couple of female friends, also ex-colleagues, but he sees them irregularly (ie. not a fixed adte each week) and usually in a group. Even if it is innocent on 1 side, I get a nasty feeling that at least 1 person here doesn't have innocent intentions. And with the best will in the world, it is incredibly insulting and demeaning that he is spending so much time (and money) with another woman at all - there is after all such a thing as emotional infidelity, as well as physical.

Why isn't he spending any quality time with you ? Even if you can't get a babysitter (I'd argue that if he can spend £60 nilly-willy, he can certainly afford one), there's no reason why he can't treat you, with a nice takeaway, and/or watch a DVD together as he's apparently so keen on films.

My God, I would have his guts for garters.

I feel so sorry for you, have been cheated on before myself years ago - and was given the whole "aren't I allowed to have female friends" line.

ItalianJob · 01/04/2006 15:48

This isn't acceptable behaviour by your h. I think CQ's suggestion about getting him to look at it from the reverse point of view is a good way of approaching the issue with him. I would start looking after your own and your child's interests now. Look into what your financial position is if you did split up from him - speak to CAB/Tax Credits people. And look at putting away some money into a savings account for you and your child if you can.

catsmother · 01/04/2006 15:50

Oh ..... and sorry to sound so pessimistic but a genuine friend of your husband would not be stand offish with his wife. If anything, she would go out of her way to reassure her friend's wife that she had nothing to fear from her.

And again, I'd be bloody furious if my DP actively sought out, socialised with and spent money on someone who was always rude to me. Hardly supportive is it ? ...... he should be telling this so-called friend to shape up or ship out, in your defence.

nicolajc · 02/04/2006 09:59

how you feeling today have you confronted him yet?

busybusybee · 02/04/2006 19:57

Whatatosser - Your story is similar to mine in that my dh has been telling me lies for ages. Probably the whole time we have been married. He has betrayed me and that is never nice.

I hope you sort this problem out soon. Im beginning to realise that with men, once a liar probably means always a liar

mummypumpkin · 02/04/2006 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 14:23

Must be brief, but thanks everyone.
Had a massive row saturday night. He accused me of needless jealousy and said 'I'm free to spend MY earnings however i like'.
Told him how awful it is he will spend so much on a friend and yet 'monitor' my spending.
He then said the friend in question has mainly male friends and all their girlfriends and wives 'hate' her and he assumed I was above such jealousy.
This just adds fuel to the fire, as surely so many women wouldn't be needlessly suspicious.
He has other female friends but this is the only one that bothers me.
I asked how he'd feel if roles were reversed and he laughed and said 'well you don't have your own money or many friends so I can't imagine it'
He's gone away with work this morning and I'm glad to be honest. It will give me time to figure things out
Goodness.That wasn't brief at all was it.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 03/04/2006 14:26

'well you don't have your own money or many friends so I can't imagine it'

That is a really offensive thing to say. I would think long and hard about putting up with that attitude from someone who is supposed to love you.

lou33 · 03/04/2006 14:27

agree with carmenere

Ulysees · 03/04/2006 14:28

you have the patience of a saint. He'd be out of my life in a shot

Pagan · 03/04/2006 14:31

The git! The woman in question sounds like a right needy twit lacking in self confidence. Your DH is being pathetic - don't know how to resolve it other than to give him a bucket of cold water to drown in. Not helpful but hugs to you anyway

Greensleeves · 03/04/2006 14:31

I don't know how you are putting up with this, it must be awful for you. What a scrote.

moondog · 03/04/2006 14:33

What a wanker.
You say he sees here twice a week...what he actually goes out with her twice a week??

desperateSCOUSEwife · 03/04/2006 14:33

why cant he take you out
sorry but he is a wankstain

catsmother · 03/04/2006 14:40

WAT ...... so sorry for you. What he said to you was unforgivable, and classic defensive behaviour IMO - turning it all round and accusing you of petty jealousy.

Whatever happened to what's mine is yours and yours is mine, like in most marriages or partnerships. We don't have much money at all sadly but my DP, though he earns more than me (I'm SAHM, plus doe evening work) would never say any such thing and is in fact always reminding me to use the joint account.

Really think you need to decide what you can and can't put up with - potentially for the rest of your life - and give him an ultimatum. Sorry, if that comes across as bossy, it's obviously you living through this not me, but if he carries on like this you'll surely have a breakdown ? Most people would being treated in such a contemptuous manner.

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 14:56

Yes,I know I've probably been played for a fool
He's only turned nasty since DD was born, so I put it down to 'new father' anxieties etc, but one month on, and saying stuff like that is just not on.
He's away until thursday. I don't even want to speak to him on the phone as i know it'll make me feel bad.
I just don't know what to do,
Should I give him time in case it's a phase due to our sudden lifestyle change, or should i just cut him out now before me & DD end up getting truly hurt.

If he comes out with such crap when i'm trying to have a serious conversation, during which i was close to, but manged to hold off tears, then why would I want him around.

I just can't bear the thought that in 6 months we have gone from very happily married and delighted with baby anticiption,planning a move to australia together and more children, to this situation.

And yes, he is going out with her twice a week. Me and him have only managed luchtime drinks on one occasion together since the birth.

OP posts:

pooka · 03/04/2006 15:02

He's your husband. You're at home looking after his child. What money he has, you also have. What an idiotic mean spirited thing for him to say! You shouldn't have to justify your spending to him or to cajole him into buying things for you. You are married. It is a partnership. And just because you aren't earning outside the home, you are certainly working in it by bringing up your child.
No constructive advice but just had to post as I find his behaviour crass in the extreme.

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 15:02

Damn. now I'm worried people from my postnatal group know who I am.
I don't want them to as i really just want to keep that for good time stories and don't want to bog them all down with this. ( As I have said before now)

OP posts:

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 15:08

And pooka so true, thankyou
In fact just before we started ttc (and then I had a bout of illness so had to stop working) I was earning more than him.
He had a period of unemployment during which I was the only one bringng in money, we didn't want to claim benefits as I had savings and feel it's not fair to take what we don't need. I never even commented on wht he spent.
The bank statements came in and all I did was check the correct d.d's had gone out etc. because thats what marriage is all about, right!?

OP posts:

pooka · 03/04/2006 15:10

Don't worry about someone from post-natal recognising you (am now wondering whether you're on mine, but haven't a clue who you are so don't worry).
I think that on post-natal boards you get to knwo people fairly well, having usually done the whole pregnancy, labour and tough times after together. And you therefore shouldn't feel that you can't talk about the tough issues at the same time as marvelling at your baby.

pooka · 03/04/2006 15:15

WAT (very apt name, by the way). I wish I had some constructive advice re: how to proceed, but am afraid I really don't know what I'd do in this situation, how much you believe the friendship is genuine or a cover for something more intense, or whether his behaviour is completely out of character etc.
It just gets my goat that when you're a SAHM some men (not all by a long stretch) seem to think that you aren't contributing to the household coffers. And it's so old-fashioned.
I really hope that you get more constructive advice. Maybe you should try and get some distance - if he's away til Thursday could you maybe have some down-time with your mother, recharging your batteries before he gets back. Maybe some tea and sympathy to help you work out what to do next?

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 15:19

pooka, no I'm on a much more recent on (dd being 1 1/2 months almost)...

I just don't want them to know. I really apprecited their support through preg. troubles and labour but this doesn't feel like something I want to share, especially as some are sufffering with pnd and i want to be strong for them as that is a much worse predicament ( I think)

OP posts:

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 15:23

As for meeting with family, pretty much none are in this country, and sad as it is he was right in saying I have barely any friends (though such spiteful comment!). I lost touch with loads when we moved.

OP posts:

pooka · 03/04/2006 15:24

It's completely your call WAT, of course :) Understand completely.

Original poster

whatatosser · 03/04/2006 15:40

Of course
I am though, regretting choice of 'alias' name as it's not ideal to be addressed as 'whatatosser' lmao.
My friend has just called and is coming round later. She is 11 weeks pregnant and her DP has pretty much 'done a runner'
I am sure we can give each other good advice.
Though probably not bet we both end up airing our troubles and crying.

OP posts:

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