DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

LuminousLaces, Hes dug him self a huge hole with 2 woman holding the ladder, she maybe telling the truth, and maybe he could offer support but as a friend only, its a miracle that she hasnt found out from someone else, and that would hurt more wouldnt it?

The more people reply the more and more it sounds like shes lying, she'd rather die leaving her DD than lose her hair, hell i'd lose my boobs, hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, whatever to be able to mother my DD, what a stupid reason to give and a highly suspect one, any one who picks hair over children, should have them full stop, this woman is probably a liar.

Also DP is the only one that knows, if i had cancer first person i'd tell is my mum, then my 2 closest friends, be very suspicious of this woman, she might be truthful but i doubting it.

Don't bother. There's no one who'd rather die than lose her hair, especially as a single mum with an older teen DD.

I'd bin him, tbh. Too much drama and lies and BS, it can be doing your mental health any favours and you know, no one is that good of a shag.

I cried rivers when DD1 lost her hair, so did she. But it was that or certain death within weeks. I mean, duh.

expatinscotland Hair grows back, life does not, its an easy no thoughts needed decision.

Well, exactly, MrsF, and although she did die, we got 6 months after her hair fell out, well, more like about 4 because the last 2 months of her life were very very bad for her mostly.

Needless to say, I think people who lie about having cancer are FUBAR.

Exactly Expat. If you have cancer - if you have terminal cancer, you know where your priorities are. Op seems to be so passive in all this I am starting to worry that she is making it up. Or alternatively, her dp is such a fuckwit he cannot see what is staring him in the face/or not staring him in the face.

My mother survived 2 years with the cancer that killed her - it is pretty evident in all photos that she was seriously ill.

My daughter got 7 months and 29 days from her diagnosis, the last fortnight of which was in ICU and the last 8 weeks of which were dire.

I think this gal's lying, but it's neither here nor there. This guy's a fuckwit no matter how nice he seems - I've met a lot of fuckwits who seemed very nice, that's how they suck people in and waste their time.

expatinscotland PortoDude, Im sorry for your loss, and sad way to end a precious life, and it annoys me when people make horrific situations fit their lies, its like lying about being raped, although not as extreme,

This guy seems so much like my ex in how gutless he is, and its cruel to both woman, to keep them hanging on like that, OP should work out, why its acceptable for her to have her feelings put second, i let my ex do that, and i will never do that again.

Expat - I followed A's journey right to the end. I am fucked off with this thread because OP over the space of weeks has done nothing. OP - handwringing is of no use to anyone, especially you.

Thank you and love to all of you who have shared your stories on here, especially you expat, as I followed your story, and still think of your DD regularly. x

Porto, certainly not making it up, and upset at the suggestion you would think that. I'm trying to stay calm as I want to get a level response to the situation, and overly emotional posts (whether they be sad, angry or even happy) never get rational responses. The whole situation, every aspect of it (and I include in that the possible issues in my relationship that have been raised here, all of which I am giving fair thought to), is very emotive, and I am not sure what to think or feel about it. Which is more of a reason to stay as neutral as I am trying to when posting.

Slight ramble there, sorry, hope it makes some sense.

I still rather think that the bloke was psychologically abused by this woman for years and is struggling to detach. He's obviously a bit wet - maybe he had a bully in the family when he was a kid and has grown up an appeaser.

However, OP, I also still think that you would be best off walking away from the whole mess. You don't really owe either of these people anything. But I do appreciate that you feel squeamish about saying 'She's full of shit, tell her to fuck off,' just because everyone is so culturally conditioned to react with sympathy and concern and forgiveness whenever someone says 'But I've got cancer' - which is of course why claiming to have cancer is so popular with scammers.

SolidGold, without going in to too much detail, yes, your first paragraph (and especially the last sentence, sadly) is exactly how it is.

I think you have to man up here. If she has cancer or not, it is nothing to do with you. You can feel sympathetic - but that is it, The same should go for your dp. It is not his role to support her. If he feells that it is, then you should accept that he is not for you, or at least she needs to accept that you are a couple and you will BOTH support her.

But seriously, LL, this isn't good for YOU and your health, and be consequence, your own child's well-being.

He has issues, your BF, okay. But he's visiting them on you. And you know, you don't need this.

I disbelieve the whole story, and I hope I'm right and she doesn't have terminal cancer because it's awful.

But it's neither here nor there. What is is that you're spending energy on this and emotion on this that's yours and valuable. You feel unable to express yourself fully to your BF because of this woman and his actions are responsible for that.

That's wrong, LL. That's wrong of him to visit that on you.

The only person who has to buck up is you, but you have to believe that you're better than this melodramatic bullshit, that you are worth a person having an open relationship with, worth a person who doesn't have ties to a finished relationship.

I hope you find that in you somewhere because believe me, this is going nowhere and doesn't really merit the effort you're putting into it.

Quite! Expat puts it superbly.

Porto - I really don't think that's a fair comment to make I am fucked off with this thread because OP over the space of weeks has done nothing. OP - handwringing is of no use to anyone, especially you. This is her thread, her life and she has to live it the way she sees fit. She's taken on board everyone's comment, she's been gracious under fire. She might not be doing what many would (or think they would) do in the same situation - but it's LL's choice. If you are frustrated or whatever, then you have the option of not posting on her thread - it is really not on to say you are pissed off because she hasn't done 'as she's been told'.

LL - how did your appointment go today?

Chipping - you are quite right that OP has to something or nothing, all of which is nowt to do with me - except OP was asking for practical advice.....