Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

462 replies

LuminousLaces · 06/11/2012 13:06

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

OP posts:
AnyFuckingDude · 26/11/2012 20:40

when is he planning to see her again ?

NettleTea · 26/11/2012 20:47

haha Izzy on the last Christmas request - look out for that one OP!!!

again, she MIGHT have NHL in early stages, in which case they might take a 'wait and see' with it to see if her immune system shifts it. And she may have embellished the spread.

If she was 'terminal' with what she apparantly has, she would be looking fucking terrible -

Stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma
The definition of the most advanced stage of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is the same as that for Hodgkin's lymphoma. That is, the disease involves lymph nodes and organs throughout the body. Often, symptoms are related to the growth of the lymph nodes, notes The Merck Manual Home Edition. The enlargement of lymph nodes may put pressure on the lungs, producing difficulty breathing, or abdominal nodes may cause constipation, appetite loss and abdominal pain. Similarly, enlarged lymph nodes in the limbs or groin may cause leg swelling. Fever, weight loss and night sweats indicate the presence of advanced disease. Fatigue and weakness are common symptoms. Skin invasion may be noted as itchy patches of thickened skin, according to The Merck Manual Home Edition.

also you mentioned she went about a lump in her breast? thats really unusual. Armpit maybe. Or as a result of radiotherapy in her breast. But not a place for it usually to arise. Unless she is riddled, in which case you wouldnt have seen her out and about 6 or so weeks ago

expatinscotland · 26/11/2012 20:50

I think her original story was that she had metastatic breast cancer, Nettle, hence, it's spread to the lymph nodes if her story is true.

NettleTea · 26/11/2012 20:52

ah, sorry, missed that bit.

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 26/11/2012 21:06

Yes it was a lump in the breast she first went to the doctor about, apparently. Admit than my eyebrows shot up when he said she used the term lymph glands instead of nodes, but I may just be picking holes.

She hasn't said anything about a type of cancer, just told him what I've said above.

Interesting to hear that they wait and see for NHL, will store that to memory for what she says next.

No, he hasn't arranged to see her again, from what I know. Certainly no mention of xmas or new year, and do think he would tell her where to go if she made that suggestion.

OP posts:
PortoDude · 26/11/2012 21:07

I have a friend going through the exact same thing - stage 3 breast cancer - spread to her lymph nodes. She had an op to remove the tumour and will have 6 months of chemo. Her hair is the last of her worries. She is not terminal but will be doing anything necessary to stay ALIVE. From what you have posted I believe the ex even less than I did before.

PortoDude · 26/11/2012 21:11

I don't believe there is a person in the world that would not have treatment and die vs losing their hair - particularly one with a child.

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 26/11/2012 21:11

Porto will be thinking of your friend.x

OP posts:
PortoDude · 26/11/2012 21:14

That is lovely of you Luminous. She is very brave strong and will fight the bugger til the last. It contrasts quite sharply with this exp though,,,,

SoggySummer · 26/11/2012 21:23

How sick does a person have to be though to pretend they have cancer?? Thats just beyond sick.

It all sounds very suspect to me - but I cannot imagine anyone wanting to pretend they have cancer.

If she is making this up - she is one very sick woman!!

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 26/11/2012 21:23

She sounds it. I'm not the praying sort, but will be thinking of her, and sending good vibes.

The fact it sounds so opposite how the exP is acting is possibly why this is bugging me so much. I have watched friends and family battle, hard, some winning, some loosing, and even the hint that she might be faking / exaggerating is getting right on my nerves.

OP posts:
PortoDude · 26/11/2012 22:16

Time to stop being nice methinks, OP. What is your DP doing - planning further trips? She is so obviously making it up - doesn't want to worry anyone about it, apart from your dp - yeah bloody right.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/11/2012 22:50

I've just read the whole thread (phew).
Can I just add fwiw, I find the fact that she really doesn't know about you two really really hard to accept. If she is as stalkerish/obsessed as you say then she would have defo worked it out. I cannot believe that nobody at work has said enough to let her know- you said there was no office gossip but she has asked people who he's seeing and talked about their time together so there is done level of gossip.

I also agree with posters who have suggested he could be getting something out of it either a) likes the attention or worse b) stringing her along/ is on/off with her.

I think you sound like a lovely person and should put yourself first. I think you should a) find out for defo if she is ill (engineer a meeting with her and ask her how she's been "did you go to the doctors for your lump?" etc etc b) INSIST that your dp is honest with her as soon as possible- it is just too odd (and hurtful I should imagine) to have your relationships existence lied about.

Even if she is ill I think he needs to b honest with her and stop seeing her- sounds cruel but he can't be the only person in her world??

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 26/11/2012 22:56

I don't think he is getting anything out of it, but is a kind person who would bend over backwards to help anyone. Also think he was successfully emotionally blackmailed for many years by her, and whilst he has got a lot better over the time I have known him at saying "no" to her, and not being lured in, he doesn't know how to cut things entirely. And certainly won't now that he thinks she is this ill.

It bothers me slightly that he hasn't told her, but because I think he's unintentionally hurting her more by giving her false hope more than anything else.

Wouldn't be able to engineer a meeting with her, but GOD I so want to talk to her!!

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 26/11/2012 22:58

There are some forms of chemo where you don't lose your hair, MIL is on one such treatment.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 23:05

Oh dear :(

This is as drawn out as an Eastenders plot. If she 'pulls through' this, maybe you could suggest she changes jobs to become a script writer.

I am so sorry that you are too nice to put a stop to all of this bullshit.

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 26/11/2012 23:09

Isn't it just, Chipping? I must admit I am starting to loose patience. I have enough shit going on in my life. Know that must make me sound horrible and heartless, and I want to be there for DP when he is finding things tough. But this is very emotionally draining.

Of course, if I find out this is true, I will feel absolutely horrible about it! Though probably still as emotionally worn out.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 23:29

starting to lose patience - I'd have done that about 9 months ago! With both of them.

How are you doing with sorting your stuff out?

...& no, it does not make you sound horrible & heartless. You need to focus on your life and not this melodrama that you have become involved in.

It is emotionally draining ... and it is very unfair on you. I was going to say what he needs to do, but I've said it about 20 times already, so I wont!

Even if it is true (and the chances of that are slim to nothing!!) you have nothing to feel horrible about. She is manipulating your DP & he is being bloody stupid not telling her about you and your relationship and the pair of them have cause all of this drama, not you.

onlyjoking9329 · 27/11/2012 09:15

Sounds like someone is not telling the truth.
If she's as ill as she says then I'm guessing she will be signed off sick or at least having a lot of time off work for appointment Etc. if she is telling the truth then she will have little immunity and will have lost a lot of weight.
If I were your DH and had been lied to in the past, then I'd be wanting some concrete evidence.
Either she is lying or he is lying and stringing you both along. Either way it's a mess. I can see you're conflicted just in case she's telling the truth. Can your DH get to go to any medical appointments with her?

PortoDude · 27/11/2012 09:48

Hi OJ - haven/t seen you on here for yonks! Hope life is treating you well!

I am 100% convinced that she is lying - the fact she has told no-one but him screams that out loudly. Why him?

MrsFlibble · 27/11/2012 09:57

LL Your DP needs to man up, if this woman is actually ill, then allowing her hope that he might come back to her is just plain cruel, he needs to tell her that hes moved on, in a relationship, but if he wants and your ok with that, he will be a friend to her. Whether he wants too or not, he is hurting 2 women, and hes clueless to it, the man is coward, harsh but my ex didnt have the guts to tell me it was over, til i worked it out for myself, its cruel, thoughtless and will not benefit anyone, this woman may be sitting around waiting for this man, is that fair? Is it fair on you to have another womans feelings considered more than yours? You need to chat with this man and mean what you say.

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 27/11/2012 13:20

My health stuff is up in the air, hopefully should get some answers tomorrow as have an appointment with a specialist.

The problem with encouraging him to go to her medical appointments is that I am then sending him the message that I think he should be seeing more of her. In turn, he'll also be saying to her that he wants to be there for her, and whether she is telling the truth or not, I don't think it is a good idea to get behind this.

Its a bugger, because really that is the only way to find out exactly what is going on!

No way I could arrange to meet up with her. We're not exactly friends, and more than that, she would tell him if I contacted her, and would make me look very suspicious. I did think about sending her an email saying "Y told me you were ill, know you don't want people making a fuss, but if you need someone to talk to..." kind of thing, but again that has drawbacks; if she really is ill I will then feel terrible for having offered her support with different means, and also don't think he would be happy about me contacting her. If I found out he contacted one of my exes that I'm still in touch with, for whatever reason, I'd be pissed off about it.

So I think the only thing to do is wait for it to play out. Its bloody frustrating though.

I feel really conflicted, part of me wants to tell him that I'm suspicious, but that's a huge accusation to make. I might be able to word it in a sense of "I'm worried she hasn't understood everything, its so easy to do when you're ill, but from what I know about this...". However I can just imagine how I would have felt if someone had said to me that they thought one of my friends had been lying, and that holds me back.

OP posts:
RichardSimmonsTankTop · 27/11/2012 13:35

This is just bonkers. Like everyone else has said, even if she IS sick she is still telling massive lies. If it's 'terminal' has she arranged anything for her DD for after she's gone?

Also, what do you think your DP's reaction will be when if it turns out that she isn't ill?

Sorry if you've answered these questions before, I've read the whole thread and there's loads to take in.

And good luck for your appointment tomorrow.

RobotLover68 · 27/11/2012 14:11

There are some forms of chemo where you don't lose your hair, MIL is on one such treatment

Yes this is true - I was stage 3 colon cancer and didn't lose my hair - having said that if they'd said, chemo and lose your hair, I'd still have done it anyway

RobotLover68 · 27/11/2012 14:12

sorry, I should have added - I was on chemo but I didn't lose my hair