DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

starting to lose patience?

I'd have left skid marks and the smell of burning rubber months ago. I have little to no tolerance to excess drama, and this is just too much of a soap opera for me.

Is she still working? If so, I'd be very suspicious as she'd be feeling far too ill to work with terminal cancer. She would have to have told people in her workplace as she would need to take a lot of time off sick.

A close family member died of NHL a few years ago and it was obvious she was extremely ill once she was diagnosed as terminal. Ask your DP has his ex lost a lot of weight or slowed down mentally? The cancer would be affecting her ability to eat by this stage. Also, once cancer spreads to the bones it becomes very painful and your DP's ex would be on strong painkillers such as morphine, which would affect her thought processes. She would spend a great deal of time resting and sleeping.

If his ex is telling the truth she won't survive more than a few months and may not see the New Year. I think if she's lying it's an evil thing to do.

Sounds dodgy to me !! I mentioned up thread I had bc a while ago . It was stage 3 like the friend of another poster. Most of the chemo regimes given for bc WILL cause hair loss. I have a lovely dh and dcs and was determined to kick the bastard into touch which is normal. Nobody wants to be bald as an egg and I didn't much enjoy wearing a wig but by god if that's what it takes you bloody well get on with it.

Get your DP to ask WHICH DRUGS she's on. If she started chemo and gave up she'll have some sort of chemo record book recording dosages, dates, self-reported side effects etc. (I bet she won't have any of this info...)

I am quite surprised this is still going, and I stand by what I said on page 10.

Whether or not she has cancer really isn't the issue here. The problem is your very unhealthy and potentially toxic relationship. If your partner really thinks what he is doing is ok, i.e. keeping you a secret and rushing to her side whenever she calls, and you really don't see the problem in colluding with this, your problems go way beyond a potentially fantasising ex.

Sorry to sound harsh but if you have health problems too, surely the last thing you need is juggling with this exhausting soap opera?

I agree that the op's relationship issues need to be addressed at some stage - I think it is odd that after this amount of time she is still being kept a secret from her. However I can see the op's point of view in that if the ex really is terminal, then this is not the best time to be issuing ultimatums.

If it turns out that the ex is making it up, then it will make it easier for the op to put her foot down.

OP, surely if you are all in the same small close-knit industry, you could find out if she is off work sick. It's about 6 weeks now since she told your DP she was terminal? Surely she would have been off sick since then, and will need sick lines. What about discussing it with the colleague who also found her out in lying? Perhaps if the colleague was to mention to a few other colleagues, 'oh, did you hear about XXX, such dreadful news about her cancer' then once word is out, it will become apparent if she does or doesn't have cancer. Or you could 'confide' with the industry gossip how worried you are about her.

I appreciate it's not a great time for ultimatums (ultimata?) but when is it ever going to be a good time? She could drag this out for years presumably.

Good point about the working. I was told quite definitely I would NOT be able to work if I had chemo.

But again, not really the main issue here I think.

I worked with a woman once who had 'form' for saying she had cancer. Things got tricky for her at work (because of other lies that she told - too many to mention) and she suddenly had to have time off for tests and then told us she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Around the time I met up with an old friend who knew her who said 'oh x isn't she dead yet?' I thought it was a horrible thing to say until he told me that she had done the same thing in another job - got caught out in a lie, was about to be sacked, said she had terminal cancer and was given a pay off to go because people felt sorry for her.

A short time later someone who worked in the same building said someone who had come for a meeting from x's home town mentioned having bumped into her and said how surprised they were to see her because she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer years earlier.

Not saying that this is the case - but it does happen, and people who lie on this scale can be very believable because they have no guilt (as far as I can see) so if they get caught out just start lying about what they told you.

Fallingoffthefence, people like that are normally called socio paths and pathological liars, they start believing their own lies.

This thread has made me angry. What a bunch of liars and drama seekers.

You are lying to dp over his ex's lies and your suspicions over her illness AND you have lied to the ex about your relationship with dp.

Your DP has lied to his ex for 2 years.

The ex has lied majorly in the past and is possibly lying about having cancer. Plus you are all semi stalking each other.

My advice, everyone needs to come clean and tell the truth. Mental health problems are no excuse for such disgusting and unfair behaviour. I don't know why you're posting here, but the answer is obvious, quit the lies and the drama and the crazy head fucks.

it's been said many times on this thread, waiting

For some reason, OP thinks this spineless liar of a bloke is a prize worth hanging on to. And is prepared to remain in a long standing bitchfight she can never win to secure that particular inferior specimen. Hard to understand, but there you go.

Couldn't agree more

• sorry that was couldn't agree more with Waiting.

I don't know if she's still working - I'll ask him.

Why did I post here? Because I wanted to know whether it sounded suspicious to people who didn't have the emotional involvement I did.

Whilst I am frustrated with the fact she doesn't know, as I said upthread that's more because I think its unfair on her. From the way she has acted in the past though, and now with this, I do totally understand why he is anxious about telling her. Some of you think this is foolish, I know, but I do get it.

Just imagine what you could have done with the energy you have expended on all this drama. A lot.

LuminousLaces He needs to stop giving her false hope and just be honest, she needs to know so she can move on, yeah she might be a liar, or just desperate, either way even liars need to hear some truths, letting her down gently should have been dealt with a year ago.

Expat I know. I do know that. But there isn't really much I can do. I can't tell him I don't want to hear about it, because if its upsetting him, I do. I can't approach her about it, because we're not friends. Its rather a mess. But then life is never straight cut.

No he's not perfect, and has his flaws. I do disagree that he is getting anything out of this though. I think he spent several years in a relationship he was unhappy with, because he was frightened of her reaction. Again, this isn't just a sob story I have heard from him, a lot of people speak very openly about how much happier he is separated from her etc. He made a huge step when he finally ended things with her two years ago, and has gradually withdrawn further and further from being emotionally invested.

If this was just a friend of his, and there was no relationship history, then, as a friend pointed out to me, I would be glad he was an empathetic person, and was supporting her at a difficult time. So I can't have it both ways. I can't be glad that he is kind, and is there for me when I need him, whilst not wanting him to be there for other people too.

MrsF, I entirely agree with you. But by the possibility that she is telling the truth, now is not the right time. Do think he has kind of dug himself - and thus, us - in to a bit of a hole with it, and now doesn't quite know how to get out of it without really causing a meltdown, in all honesty.

'Expat I know. I do know that. But there isn't really much I can do.'

Yes, there is, get some help with your self-esteem, because you deserve more than a ridiculous excuse for a relationship with a person like this. He's a mind fuck, LL, and relationships with mind fucks only go one way.

You could dump him and just watch Eastenders instead. Then at least the melodrama would be contained in 30 minute chunks.

Perhaps he's suspicious too.
Perhaps he doesn't dare mention his suspicions to you in case you push him into confronting her.
Perhaps if you honestly and openly talk to him about how you feel. about him (and her), he'll open up to you and together you'll be a better team to tackle whatever happens to her next whether she's telling the truth or not.

Narked Tonight, my friend, I entirely agree with you. But I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch that shit!!

Slambang, I asked him outright if he believed her. He said yes, but did hesitate, so I wonder. I might point of some of the things on here, and leave him to think about it. Thank you.

show him that bit about being a spineless liar, and a dodgy booby prize nobody should be expending energy fighting for

no ?

He must be the Shag of the Century because really, there's no other reason I can see for putting up with this, and even if he were, I'd consider him a fuckbuddy rather than a relationship.

Usually a lurker, but having seen other men "detatch" like this from XPs I wanted to comment. Leaving aside the entire cancer issue, his slowly, slowly approach to leaving her has clearly not worked. She is still invested in him, and he is getting something out of all the drama , via both you and her. If he really cared about her, not to mention you, he'd have been honest with her long ago, thus actually helping her to accept the situation, and move on with her life.

Sorry if this sounds brutal, but I really feel you are being played here, I have seen it before, and often from really "caring" men.

Um yes - agree with Expat and AF. He does'.t have to do this. They don.t have a relationship any more. End of. He does not need to attend appointments with her. She does not need to prove she has cancer or not. What he needs to do is say "I am with Luminous now, let me know if you need a hand with anything" That IS the extent of his responsibility - and if he says otherwise then he is just not worth bothering with.