DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

at some of these answers.
So 'he is an ex, I still think he is a nice bloke but even if he was going to die, I wouldn't have anything to do with him'.

What has happen to normal human compassion?

OP, I don't really have anything new to add. I hope that you (and your DP) will be able to get to the bottom of this. Hopefully if she is lying, this will be brought to light.

I think she's lying too. I had a diagnosis of bc 4 years ago. Here's my timetable:
Mid June - diagnosis via ultrasound and biopsy (massive bruise and dressing applied after that
Rest of June: further scans, blood tests etc.
Late June: start chemo. Like another poster I was on Fec, every three weeks.
Mid July: dramatic 100% hair loss
September: came to end of 4x FEC regime. I think I had a scan then (no earlier) to check chemo response.
Sept: moved onto Taxol 12x weekly doses
Jan x mastectomy and removal of lymph nodes. More scans
Feb: radiotherapy
Feb: tamoxifen

Has this ow lost her hair ? Fec is commonly given (its a combo of 3 drugs) and hair loss is almost inevitable. If not Fec, which regime ??

But even if she's not lying, he should still be clear to her that you and he are in a relationship

AWhale, I agree. If it was me, and any of my exes became ill, even the ones that have hurt me badly in the past, then I would do everything I could do help them. Maybe this makes me a soft touch, I don't know. But I understand why he can't just leave her to get on with it.

I don't know if she's lost her hair. She did have clip in hair extensions in when I saw her in September, but it wasn't noticeably thinner or anything.

I felt very down about it all last night. I was so suspicious when he first told me, and with everything people have said on here, that's not without reason. But it is possible that despite all her desperate attempts to get his attention in the past, she knew it wasn't going to happen. That she's been ill for a long time, and is only now telling him. Well that's what's circulating in my head, anyway. What a vile thing I am doing, accusing something of lying about cancer.

I do hope she is lying. Because as much as her presence in our relationship is certainly a bother, I don't want her to die. Disappear, move on, accept things, yes. But not die :(

DP hasn't heard from her since she cancelled on him, and he hasn't contacted her.

And roc, am sorry to hear that you have suffered too I hope you're okay.

Have you thought that perhaps she's cancelled the meeting solely to buy herself more time to 'prepare' if she is lying?

She's told him she has terminal cancer, he's said he'll visit and now she's thinking 'SHIIIIIIT!'?

I think you won't hear from her for a while.

Then she will claim your do misunderstood and that she never said 'terminal' she said 'it might be terminal but i need more tests' or some such bollocks.

then she will claim that you dp misunderstood

If you still get on with an ex & want to support them-fine-but not at the expense of a current relationship.

It´s not that simple in this case, is it-2yrs & she doesn´t even know he´s with someone else.

Maybe if she did, she would look for support elsewhere.

I also hope that there are few people who really only have an ex to turn to.

I think you both need to grow a backbone and tell her your a couple.

If you have her adress i would send her a card offering your support to her as a couple and sign it with both your names as a couple.

That way she will know your together and that you will support her.

Its the only kindest way forward.

Would you like to be dieing and to be lied too? Your making a fool out of her and thats just not nice.

What you are doing is not normal, helpful or nice.

Tell dp to man up or move on to someone capable of having normal relationships.

Can you not get married because she will be upset or have children because she will not like that? Its not normal or right is it.

If he cant let go of the past there is no future for you both. When would be a good time to tell her?

What if they are friends with benefits? I think you need to be proactive as two years is a long time to waste on someone who cant put you first, ever.

You need to talk to her i think.

I think you both sound like really caring people, but I agree with every other person here who has said it is just not normal for your DP's ex to be such a presence in your relationship, regardless of the illness that may or may not exist.

Personally I would be saying to DP that you are concerned about the huge amount of emotional energy you both spend pussy-footing around her, and that if her illness is as bad as she says it is, then it will potentially only get worse. I would be asking him to be straight with her about the fact he is in a long-term relationship and then to stop contacting her / responding to her contact.

This can't be good for your own wellbeing.

FWIW I have a couple of exBFs that I have remained in contact with over the years, but in a Christmas card and maybe see them at a group event once a year sort of thing. If either of them were terminally ill I would be extremely upset and want to give them some support, so I can understand where your DP is coming from. However for me, it would not be at the expense of my marriage - if my DH were uncomfortable about it, I wouldn't see them. (Equally I have several exBFs that I couldn't give a flying fuck about, and if they contacted me I would tell them where to go, especially if they have stalker tendencies).

In terms of people threatening suicide, it's no longer a crime to commit suicide, but if someone is threatening it, police have a positive obligation under Article 2 of the ECHR to arrest and bring the person to a hospital in order for them to be sectioned under the mental health act. I honestly believe that if he responded to her threats of suicide by calling police, and she suffered the indignity of being arrested, then sitting at an A&E under police guard for the next 10 hours, waiting to be sectioned, she might think twice about making threats in the future.

OP, how are things?

Has he been to visit her yet OP?

Please just read this, this thread had rung so many bells.

Ten years ago I met a lovely kind man whose thoughtfulness and gentleness overwhelmed me. Fly in ointment? STBEXW who was 'fragile' but he was handling it. I was, I believed, a robust understanding lady who supported his amazing kindness and felt a bit sorry for the poor woman.

I colluded in keeping things secret for the sake of her MH and listened with horror and sympathy when he talked about how hard he worked tp protect her. She often talked of suicide, he always talked her down. I thought he was a saint.

She had every disease going, agoraphobia, lymes disease, a botched abortion (quite!) and every time I applauded his selflessness and sensitivity.

Then after several years of standing by watching him rescue her, being praised for my fortitude and understanding, I realised that I needed him to look after ME, that perhaps I wasn't as strong as he told me i was so I rocked the boat and demanded that he put me first.

He went absolutely mad and told me I was a cunt and a moron and to cut to the chase, I had a breakdown and spent a long time in counselling learning just how unhealthy it all was - their drama, my role in it, what payoff we all got, the roles we played etc etc. Sordid, sad and a huge huge waste of life.

What did I learn? I deserved SO MUCH MORE. I found it, too and I am
healthy and happy. I truly believed he was a kind put-upon generous chap. Perhaps yours is. I hope I am wrong and apologise wholeheartedly if this has upset or insulted you. Don't waste time with anyone who doesn't put you FIRST IN HIS LIFE.

I wish you all the very best whatever the outcome.

Ps, I think it goes without saying the worst she ever had was a heavy cold...

Plants . I am so happy you saw the light. I hope your post gives some inspiration to the OP.

Porto, how kind, thank you. Feels very good to no longer be enmeshed in that co dependent triangle and if anyone learns from what I went through, even better.

Bloody hell Plants...

Luminous, has your DP heard anything more?

Oh yes - update definitely required!

Update as requested.

DP went to see her the week before last, and has spoken to her on the phone once since. When he went down to see her, she told him that the doctors have said she has cancer of the lymph glands, and that it is spreading to her bones, so nothing they can do. She said she wanted to stop the chemo because she didn't want to loose her hair. She hasn't told anyone except him because she doesn't get on particularly well with her family, and doesn't want to worry any of her friends / work colleagues / her daughter.

Now... A few things made me more suspect with this. She had said she'd already stopped the chemo last time. Secondly, he of course talked her into continuing the chemo, for her daughters sake if for nothing else - which I'm guessing is exactly what she would have wanted if this was a bid for his attention; him saying he wants her to be okay. Thirdly... Well. When I have watched beloved friends and family members dying, their hair wasn't high on their priority list. But then, I have never been faced with this, I don't know how I would react. As a friend in person pointed out though, if she is pretending, by saying she's stopping the chemo because she doesn't want to loose her hair, she's then not going to have to shave her head or anything to go along with it.

The fact she hasn't told anyone else also seems highly convenient. I knew she didn't have a good relationship with her family particularly, but by not telling anyone else, she is putting the onus on him.

Did ask him outright if he believed her, and he said yes, he did, after having visited her. And I guess he knows her better than I do, so I should possibly trust his judgement, but I still have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

And Plants I am so sorry to hear about what you went though. Glad you are happy now. Very much appreciate your input, as I said way back when, I am grateful for all thoughts on this.

What Plants said.

LL, she's a drama queen. And he likes that or he wouldn't be in contact with her anymore.

Sounds fishy to me still

I suppose she has to say she's stopped chemo because it wouldn't be long before he'd be wondering why she still had a full healthy head of hair.

It's all very fishy.

Hands up to not having read all 14 pages but what I have read suggests that she's telling porkies and he's fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.

It's all far too pat and far too unikely, isn't it? She's stopped chemo because she doesn't want to lose her hair? I reckon Rapunzel would happily sacrifice her locks if it gave her more time with a dc and, as you've observed, how very convenient she doesn't want to tell others either because she doesn't get on with them or nobly wants to spare them.

An almost overpowering Eau d'Cod is wafting out of my netbook as I type. The issue seems to be how can you cut through the crap? Given that he's allegedly talked her into continuing chemo, perhaps she'll be forthcoming with the dates and times so that volunteers can be sourced to visit/sit with her while she's having treatment.

Has she extended an invitation to him to be with her for her 'last' Christmas and New Year yet?

has she mentioned what kind of lymphoma she has - Hodgkins or Non-Hodgkins? The latter is the most likely, especially if it has spread to the bone marrow. Its prognosis is not bad at all in most cases, even with a spread to the bone marrow (as would be more likely than the actual 'bone')

Initially NHL presents as swollen glands which persist, although some people can have few symptoms. Though if its gone to the bone then she should be showing some by now - have a google and see.

But either way she is playing him - she is either making it up (in which case she has been clever and chosen a cancer which can often have not many symptoms) or she is over egging the story for dramatic effect.

Besides, if she choses her hair over her daughter I think that shows what kind of woman she is, or what she is prepared to say to get his attention.