Big problems with DP's family - help!

[TheKindnessOfStrangers]

Please can somebody advise me.

Earlier this year we moved house. The reason ostensibly was because we wanted somewhere bigger, in the catchment area for a good school, but the real reason was because we wanted to get away from my BIL.

He is unemployed and was coming round to our house most days to eat dinner and verbally abuse us. He would pick fights by saying provocative, usually racist, things and then call us terrible names if we got irritated. My DP just wouldn?t or couldn?t deal with it (?He?s depressed. We have to be nice to him. I?m not going to turn my own brother away from my door? etc.). In the last year or so before we moved he started turning up in the day when DP was at work. Sometimes it was ok. For a while I even (naively) though we were friends. Sometimes he would harangue me to the point of tears. I remember once standing in the street with him, I don?t know where we?d been, as he ranted and raved at me whilst I sobbed and felt wretched. I don?t remember any of the details of what he said, just him screaming at me and calling me a cocksucker (nice, I know!).

One day I made the mistake of calling on him at his house. To cut a long story short, he raped me. I didn?t tell anybody in RL. My DP?s family have never liked me and I highly doubt they?d have believed me. I wasn?t even sure my DP would believe me (I didn?t fight and it would?ve been my word against his). It would have ripped the whole family apart. I?ve since spoken to Rape Crisis who said the case probably wouldn?t make it to court if I ever went to the police because I didn?t tell anybody at the time (they also told me it?s quite usual, and often safer, not to fight).

After that he started following me and hassling me when I was out and about. Sometimes he?d want to borrow money, sometimes he?d have a go at me, sometimes he?d proposition me. I told DP about it, and about the money and the verbal abuse, but not the propositioning. DP still did nothing, but that was when we started talking about moving house (I sent him numerous texts asking him not to approach me unless I was with DP).

After we moved I dug my heels in and flatly refused to have him in the house, and DP, whilst not fully understanding, respected this, but I had to go back to our old neighbourhood daily to take DS to nursery and quite often he would wait outside the nursery for me. One day he followed me half a mile down the road, trying to persuade me to let him come back with me to the house, or go for a walk with him in the park, or go back to his house. DP still did nothing. Desperately hoping for some support from somebody in the family, I mentioned it to my SIL and a few days later got an e-mail from my other BIL, her husband, saying that I was ?twisting reality? and basically that I?ve been mean and horrible for ?not accepting his olive branch? and for cutting him out of DS?s life (of course he was seeing DS almost daily before) (which I haven?t done, as DP still takes DS to see him when he can ? quite often he doesn?t pick up the phone when DP calls him to arrange a visit) and that they don?t want anything more to do with me. So I think it?s safe to say they wouldn?t have believed me regarding the rape. In the end we took DS out of that nursery and moved him to a local one.

Anyway, DS?s birthday is approaching and I?m being put under a lot of pressure from both my DP and my own parents to hold for him the sort of party that is traditional in DP?s family ? one where you invite all the family around to your house for sandwiches and cake ? and invite my BIL. DP thinks we need to ?build bridges? (I think my MIL is putting pressure on him), and my parents think I?m being stubborn because I simply don?t like the guy (and that I?m putting undue strain on my relationship with my DP) (I've not told them the truth either, because I?m sure they?d see it as my fault ? they always have whenever I?ve gotten into trouble). They are saying they won?t come if I don?t invite my BIL.

What do I do? Having him ?anywhere near me-- in my house is anathema to me, but how can I avoid it when even my own parents won?t back me up?

Just to clarify, he's just my DP, not my soon-to-be DH. I think I would never marry him unless I found a way to talk to him about this first, but he's never asked me so it's not an issue at the minute. It's hard. We are getting on better and starting to feel more like a family unit. You probably haven't read the whole thread (I don't blame you, it's long) but I got inappropriately close to BIL 1 and though that doesn't excuse what happened, not at all, I feel like I don't have much of a leg to stand on. If I could turn round and say I was completely blameless in the situation it would be easier.

Sorry, I am kind of bumping this thread as I was hoping more people might have advice for me. Leaving aside my, my DP's and BIL 1's issues, I am wondering what to do regarding my son and contact with BIL 1.

I read somewhere on this board that if you are split up when your ex has contact he can take your DC to see anybody he likes and there's nothing you can do and I thought that can't be right. Extended family don't have a right to access, if you put your foot down and say they're not to see your DC surely your ex has to abide by that (and I presume you can get it backed up legally with court orders and stuff). Because that worries me, the thought that if I was to leave DP would take DS to see BIL 1, maybe even leave him with him, and there'd be nothing I could do, indeed I might not even know about it because DP wouldn't be obligated to tell me.

P.S. Sorry, it was the 'drama triangle', not the abuse triangle - see here for more details.

Hello
I was just lurking without logging in but had to log in I am so sorry for what you are going through.:-(
I have been reading people's replies and you have been given some good advice here, I did wonder also whilst reading, could you tell your DP that you are starting counselling sessions this could be the easiest way to tell him???
It sounds like a very very difficult situation for you and I believe you.
I think you should take on board the advise given above. Whatever you do there will be many people on here to hold your hand and listen. Keep talking.

It seems to be that you are so worried about telling dp about the rape that you are obsessed with thoughts of leaving him so you can put the past behind you.

you don't say much about how you feel now about your dp. would this be someone you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with if his family and particularly db1 weren't so horrific?

Given that db1 is foul and offensive - your dp witnessed him shouting at a women with young kids just recently - I would think you would be well within your rights to ask your dp to kick your ds well away from him on that grounds alone

I also think you need to organise some counselling to try to get your head around the rape, whether you should tell dp or others and also to feel a bit stronger about yourself.

Given that his family are so determined to think the worse of you I'd back off completely and let all communications go through dp so no emails about presents or parties. You can be all nice and pleasant when your together of course (apart from with vile db1)

8keep* not kick your ds away

You and your dp will always be at ofds with each other over the issue of his family. This is because he does not have full information onmwhich he can base his decisions, so yes indeed, he can - and almost certainly will - take ds to see any and all of them on his contact days should you split up. And yes, he might even leave ds with BIL 1 unsupervised (don't say he won't ever do that, because you have o idea what the future holds).

You are not playong fair with dp. He can't understand what your problem is, because he doesn't know and you haven't told him. FGS don't marry him, will you? You've got to be able to tell each other everything before you do that.

Can you start off by saying something like that there are things about BIL 1 he doesn't know, that you are sickened by, and cannot talk about, but can your dp trust you enough to take your word for it, and that you will tell him as soon as you can?

And to that end, you are setting up counselling for yourself, aren't you?

Good luck, op. You have to truthful with your partner or you are telling them you don't trust them, and you are setting them up to fail. Or you actually don't trust them, in which case, get rid because it's pointless to continue a relationship that is without trust. Only, if you do split, you must tell him anyway as otherwise he'll be leaving your ds with BIL 1 one day.