Big problems with DP's family - help!

[TheKindnessOfStrangers]

Please can somebody advise me.

Earlier this year we moved house. The reason ostensibly was because we wanted somewhere bigger, in the catchment area for a good school, but the real reason was because we wanted to get away from my BIL.

He is unemployed and was coming round to our house most days to eat dinner and verbally abuse us. He would pick fights by saying provocative, usually racist, things and then call us terrible names if we got irritated. My DP just wouldn?t or couldn?t deal with it (?He?s depressed. We have to be nice to him. I?m not going to turn my own brother away from my door? etc.). In the last year or so before we moved he started turning up in the day when DP was at work. Sometimes it was ok. For a while I even (naively) though we were friends. Sometimes he would harangue me to the point of tears. I remember once standing in the street with him, I don?t know where we?d been, as he ranted and raved at me whilst I sobbed and felt wretched. I don?t remember any of the details of what he said, just him screaming at me and calling me a cocksucker (nice, I know!).

One day I made the mistake of calling on him at his house. To cut a long story short, he raped me. I didn?t tell anybody in RL. My DP?s family have never liked me and I highly doubt they?d have believed me. I wasn?t even sure my DP would believe me (I didn?t fight and it would?ve been my word against his). It would have ripped the whole family apart. I?ve since spoken to Rape Crisis who said the case probably wouldn?t make it to court if I ever went to the police because I didn?t tell anybody at the time (they also told me it?s quite usual, and often safer, not to fight).

After that he started following me and hassling me when I was out and about. Sometimes he?d want to borrow money, sometimes he?d have a go at me, sometimes he?d proposition me. I told DP about it, and about the money and the verbal abuse, but not the propositioning. DP still did nothing, but that was when we started talking about moving house (I sent him numerous texts asking him not to approach me unless I was with DP).

After we moved I dug my heels in and flatly refused to have him in the house, and DP, whilst not fully understanding, respected this, but I had to go back to our old neighbourhood daily to take DS to nursery and quite often he would wait outside the nursery for me. One day he followed me half a mile down the road, trying to persuade me to let him come back with me to the house, or go for a walk with him in the park, or go back to his house. DP still did nothing. Desperately hoping for some support from somebody in the family, I mentioned it to my SIL and a few days later got an e-mail from my other BIL, her husband, saying that I was ?twisting reality? and basically that I?ve been mean and horrible for ?not accepting his olive branch? and for cutting him out of DS?s life (of course he was seeing DS almost daily before) (which I haven?t done, as DP still takes DS to see him when he can ? quite often he doesn?t pick up the phone when DP calls him to arrange a visit) and that they don?t want anything more to do with me. So I think it?s safe to say they wouldn?t have believed me regarding the rape. In the end we took DS out of that nursery and moved him to a local one.

Anyway, DS?s birthday is approaching and I?m being put under a lot of pressure from both my DP and my own parents to hold for him the sort of party that is traditional in DP?s family ? one where you invite all the family around to your house for sandwiches and cake ? and invite my BIL. DP thinks we need to ?build bridges? (I think my MIL is putting pressure on him), and my parents think I?m being stubborn because I simply don?t like the guy (and that I?m putting undue strain on my relationship with my DP) (I've not told them the truth either, because I?m sure they?d see it as my fault ? they always have whenever I?ve gotten into trouble). They are saying they won?t come if I don?t invite my BIL.

What do I do? Having him ?anywhere near me-- in my house is anathema to me, but how can I avoid it when even my own parents won?t back me up?

Thank you walter, and everybody else, for all your posts, I really appreciate that you have taken the trouble to respond to my OP.

Yes, DS will be happy whatever we ultimately do, it was just one of those throwaway comments nearly-4 year olds make, but it was ironic. I'm thinking now about what we might do. The cost is unfortunately a consideration otherwise I'd just take him to London for the day or something. If I make the focus on kids rather than adults I don't think he'll come - last year we had two parties, the traditional one on DS's actual birthday to which all the family came and one for his friends at nursery a few days later (to which MIL also turned up but not BIL - we didn't invite her initially but she had a big mardy (I asked my mother to come along and help out) so in the end DP did invite her).

I have another question about my nephews but I've got to go and dish up dinner! Will be back...

The birthday is not the issue .
There are a lifetime of events you need to avoid.
TELL YOUR PARTNER

Do what ever YOU want for DS birthday.

I agree though you need to tell your DP about the rape. Hopefully he will step up and support you. If he doesn't then he does not deserve you

Your OP made me feel so sad that you would have to be in this position.

You clearly must love your partner very much if you would rather put his feelings before your own, especially since you were raped by his brother.

Honey, is it the fact that you think your partner wont believe you or think it is your fault that is holding you back? You have to realise that any man worth his salt who loved his partner would not want her to face what he is asking you to face. If he loved you he would turn his back on his brother when he knows and be there to support you.

Does he love you enough or is that what you are worried about?

Something that bothers me about my other BIL and SIL cutting out of their lives is that I won't get to see my nephews, and, by extension, DS will see them much less. I re-read the e-mail my other BIL sent me this morning before writing my OP and realised there was a section on the bottom I hadn't even read. One of his gripes with me is that I once bought one of my nephews a toy with batteries that makes a noise when they've explicitly asked people not to buy such things (I just really liked it and I did check with my SIL first that it was ok to break their 'rule'). I explained to my BIL that I was just really taken with it and apologised but in this section of the e-mail I hadn't read his charming response to that apology was to tell me to "Pull the other one". A few weeks after I got that e-mail it was one of my nephew's birthday; we bought and sent a present as usual and my SIL sent us a thank you card. Now having read that I'm inclined never to send presents for my nephews again, but is that punishing them for their parents' lack of gratitude/manners? I suggested to DP that instead of getting them presents every year maybe we could put the money we would've spent into a bank account and give it to them when they're 18 - just an idea I had - but he said we can't, we'd "get criticised left, right and centre".

Sorry, another x-post.

Kindness it doesn't have to be expensive. Just have his little friends over. Don't ask any adults (except parents if you like!)

If you want, you can mention they pop in. But don't invite!

I know the whole thing with the toy is very petty.

I think it is entirely possible my partner will think what happened to me is my fault. His constant response throughout all our issues with my BIL is that I have my "own relationship with him", and that therefore his niceness or lack of it to me is my problem. I'm sure he's going to think I encouraged him by being friendly to him, letting him in the house, going to his house, having conversations with him about personal things etc. My relationship with him was inappropriate. I was kind of lonely in my relationship with my DP at the time and he was always there.

The birthday is a side issue here. You're with a man who allowed his brother to scream obscenities at you in the street. His whole family back him.

Your own parents sound equally toxic, if they think you deserve to be raped. Yet you're trying to appease both families.

Do you have any friends or colleagues who you could rely on for decent advice and objectivity? It sounds like you can't see the wood for the trees here.

Re: Your BIL and the toy. I'm sorry but to me this is just another example of weird, toxic, abusive people that you don't want in your life.

Your ds won't miss what he doesn't have so if they do cut themselves off from you, it's not your fault and neither of you will suffer for it.

Your DP is once again, ignoring rude, unjust and bullying behaviour towards you.

Get some counselling, start thinking about yourself and don't let these people bully or control you anymore.

The present issue is sorted by getting your DP to buy the presents. Play no part in it.

My relationship with him was inappropriate.

Ok, even if it was that does not justify his raping you. Even if you were having an affair with him and one day you decided you didn't want to sleep with him anymore. That does not justify his raping you.

There is NO behaviour that induces rape. Only the behaviour of the rapist. Please, please believe that no matter the circumstances, no matter you're behaviour, he raped you because HE IS A CRIMINAL and NOT because of you.

Everything waltermitty said.

Please, just get away from this dreadful family. The sooner the better.

kindness you said if another woman made a complaint against him you'd back them up... There is every possibility he's done this before and had complaints against him but you don't know about it.

You need to put you and your ds first.

I believe you. Please, please tell your DP and your parents. Be prepared for their reactions being disbelief or to blame you as they all sound pretty toxic. But, tell the truth, keep telling the truth and we will support you. There is lots in the news at the moment about vulnerable people not being believed. Please, please speak up for yourself. Perhaps also talk to a friend or Rape Crisis about what to say. They are all bullying you and I feel so very much that you need someone on your side. GP? Do you have a sister or brother of your own who will believe and support you.

TheKindness, it really bothers me that you are blaming yourself in any way, shape or form for what happened.

There is nothing inappropriate with having a friendship, including a very close one, with a member of your family. It is not inappropriate to spend a lot of time with them, or even to have very intimate conversations.

It is not an invitation to rape

On the contrary, family are precisely the people you should be able to let your hair down with, relax and be yourself without having to worry that they will harm you in any way.

I have two BILs. I would never, ever worry about being alone with either of them. I would, in fact, if the situation arose, be quite relaxed with sharing a bed with them in the knowledge that nothing of any sexual nature would arise.

Because they are my BILs. And therefore our relationship is non-sexual. End of story.

I don't have brothers and sisters, and no close friends. I'm not very confident, I guess that is pretty obvious, and I find it hard to make friends.

Something else I feel guilty about, and it's kind of dumb and I'm nervous about what you'll make of this, is that I'm spending so much time and energy thinking about what happened when so much worse happens to so many other women. I mean, it wasn't violent. I don't have post-traumatic stress disorder, I don't get flashbacks or anything like that. It was just a Crap Thing. I felt like an object, not a person. It was rubbish but it wasn't the first ever time I've felt like that in my life and quite probably won't be the last.

I'm not sure I agree with that, discrete. I think its very possible to have an inappropriate relationship with an in-law. It is not always normal or appropriate to go to their house and have intimate chats with them, surely that would depend on loads of variables?

I think that kindness is worried that others will blame her for what happened, and she knows these people well. It's their reaction she's worried about.

I believe you.

kindness you probably have been taught your whole life to put others first, to not make a fuss, to be kind rather than right, that men are more important than women, that how you feel is not ever as important as how other people feel.

Your bil pushed and pushed at your boundaries to get himself in a position where he could rape you. This was a planned attack on you. He is a disgusting individual and should under no circumstances be anywhere near a child. Your precious child deserves better. You are precious too and you deserve better.

If you tell dh the truth and he does not automatically and unequivocally stand by your side then you know he does not deserve to be with you.

Wrt the toy thing. How rude! Who sends an email berating a relative and calling them a liar for buying their child a toy! Looking from the outside in, these people are not nice people who are just having a bad day or that you are having a personality clash with, they actually sound like an unmitigated bunch of bastards.

Morris, to me my BILs are like my brothers. I would be relaxed about doing anything with them that I would do with my brothers, and would not think that that would lead to anything of a sexual nature.

Ditto dh with my sisters. I can confidently say that there is nothing my sisters would do which would lead dh to rape them.

If TheKindness' family do not see it that way, then that is a problem with them, not with her imo.

But kindness has already said that her bil is not like a brother to her. He harrassed her and screamed obscenities at her.

Of course she didn't deserve it - any of it - but it may be the case that she was in fact, as she says, having an inappropriate friendship with him. And her DP might not have known that part.

So in order to tell him what happened, she will have to include the friendship part. Personally, I think kindness's DP sounds appalling, and think she should leave him. But she doesn't feel this way.

Assuming she wants to stay with her toxic DP, she has an interest in him not finding out what happened. Apologies kindness, if I'm totally misreading this.

I like my inlaws, by the way, but they are not like brothers to me. Some of them I hardly know at all. If my DP was to spend time alone with my sister, having intimate discussions, I'd think it very odd. They don't know each other in that way.

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head Morris. DP knew that my relationship with my BIL was not the typical BIL-SIL relationship. But he doesn't know the extent of it.

I have thought about leaving my DP, a lot.

I feel terrible for you but it does seem these problems highlight how unsupportive your DH is.

I have cut out a couple of family members from my life including in laws, and my DH never once suggested otherwise.

Can you have a talk with your DH about how his lack of support is not helping your relationship and come up with a list of what you need from him to feel supported?

YOu come across as thinking so little of yourself, you seem to think that you shouldnt be looked after, cared for.

You did not deserve this. It is not your fault.

You can make friends, you can move near family, but you shouldn't have to face an abuser at what should be a happy event.

If your partner wants to spend time with his family let him, just because you have his child doesnt mean you dont get a say in where you go and with whom.

You poor poor thing :( I think you do need to tell your DH everything. He is your partner and should believe you and support you. You will always appear unreasonable regarding your BIL until you tell him what actually happened. You need to refuse to have your BIL anywhere near you and your family ever again. He is evil and sick. I feel so sorry for you :(