I am leaving it two weeks from now and then I think we're breaking up

[BinksToEnlightenment]

No one has to reply to this. I just need to get my thoughts out.

Problems with the relationship:
He's cold
When I asked him last night if he ever misses me at night he said sometimes
We have spent one night together three weeks ago. Before that I don't remember
I'm just not convinced that he even likes me anymore
He doesn't cuddle me
It was our anniversary recently. He didn't even buy me a card
I see him and when I get home, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I cry.
When I do see him, he asks me to leave. Often. Once it was because he had to paint his skirting boards. The next time I came back, he hadn't painted them.

Good things in the relationship:
I love him so much it hurts
We have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh so much it hurts
Lying with him and closing my eyes feels like a beautiful dream.
He understands me like no man ever has. Or will?
I get so excited to see him. I feel like a teenager with a crush.
Out of this solar system good sex. Perfect, and again, I feel like he's in tube with me like no man ever has been.

More on the relationship as it develops!

Ha ha in tune!!

You seem really confused. In fact, I'm slightly confused reading this. Am I right in thinking you don't live together? How long have you and DP been in a relationship? Knowing the answer to these might help MN's offer support.

I don't understand how a man can be described as cold but at the same time in tune with you or understands you.

The good things you describe in this relationship are well and truly outweighed by the bad.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

How can you have a lot of fun together when you also describe him as cold?.

Your self esteem and worth seem to have been truly beaten down by this bloke, besides which why wait two weeks now before ending this?.

"More on the relationship as it develops!"

what does this mean?

btw, he sounds like a right bastard. Totally using you - sorry

It sounds awful, totally one sided. Ask yourself why you love him so much when he is such an arsehole. Is it the idea of him loving you back? Because it sounds like the reality is pretty grim. Are you hoping that something will happen in the 2 weeks to change your mind?

I apologise in advance if this sounds harsh- it is not meant to be. I have been there. It is a constant feeling of not being good enough and that is shit. I would really recommend the book "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" or the Baggage Reclaim website- I read this book and was terrified at how accurate it was...

I think sometimes it is the treat em mean keen em keen thing. He is probably more attractive to you because he is aloof which makes you think he must be better than you and therefore worth chasing. He is not. He is an arse and the feeling will get worse and worse and wear you down until you think that is all you are worth. You are worth so much more- someone who adores you and wants you around all the time so don't sell yourself short

Wow, thanks so much for all the replies.

We were together for a few years back in the day and then this is round two, which has been about nine months. Anniversary is the day we met.

He started off very, very caring if not very generous. Then has got colder and colder week after week.

I'm staying two weeks for two reasons. The first is that we spoke about how unhappy I am last night and he didn't really get it and said of course we can see each other more often, though he wouldn't want it to be every day and he only misses me sometimes in the night. The other is because it's his birthday soon.

Um, more on the relationship means I'm going to see this as a bit of a diary for the next two weeks because I need some way of getting out what I'm thinking.

Yes, it is very much that he is unavailable. Although he calls me the love of his life, and the one, he does just treat me like a fuck buddy.

Such a mess!

"I'm staying two weeks for two reasons. The first is that we spoke about how unhappy I am last night and he didn't really get it and said of course we can see each other more often, though he wouldn't want it to be every day and he only misses me sometimes in the night. The other is because it's his birthday soon"

What?!!!. Do you not see how messed up the above actually is?. He does not miss you at all let alone really think anything of you and its his birthday soon?. You actually going to buy this manchild a present?.

You feel sorry for this creature?.

It is okay, infact more than okay to end this dysfunctional relationship now. He has really done a number on you hasn't he?.

I'm holding off on buying him a present.

I do need to give it two weeks though. What's the harm in it? I intend to live a long full life. I can sacrifice two weeks to be sure I'm doing the right thing.

My theory is that I was the one that got away to him. Now I'm back he's getting bored. It's an actual relationship, requiring work. Not just an idol popping round to suck him off.

Gah!!!

He understands me like no man ever has. Or will?

Erm, well this is either not true at all or otherwise he is a complete bastard if he knows you this well and still hurts you like this. Sadly a big sexual connection is very very hard to walk away from. And personally if after nine months your relationship 'needs work' then it sound dead in the water. You should be in the first flush.......

It just gives him two more weeks to further mess with your head.

He is only interested in the thrill of the chase and I would go as far to say that such types actually hates women. It did not work out years earlier and its not working out now. You should not be together.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Love should not be such hard work honestly.

"its an actual relationship requiring work" - er no as you are basically saying victim here to him. You are allowing yourself to be treated like crap at his hands.

Doing the right thing - what is that in your mind?. Giving yourself another two weeks of such crap from him in order to give yourself permission to end this nonsense?.

You know what, end it. End it now. I posted a few days back and got the same advice. And it was right. My thread is around somewhere.

But basically? You're his fuck buddy. You're an interim till someone better comes along.

Walk away and have some pride.

I see him and when I get home, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I cry. When I do see him, he asks me to leave. Often.

:(

If this is the best he can make you feel after 9 months then IT ISN'T WORKING quite obviously. Please don't give him another 2 weeks of ego boosting.

You're telling yourself it's a relationship, and as such requires work. Well - it's not. This is a disaster that needs nipping in the bud asap, for your sake OP! Sorry.

Do you notice how often you've used the word "hurt" in describing even the good bits? Love shouldn't hurt so much.

Oh yes, he knows you very well. He knows just which buttons to press to keep you hanging on without having to give more of himself than he can be bothered to give.

"He understands me like no man ever has."

Honey, you are wrong about this. If he had any understanding, empathy, and compassion, or love, he would not treat you like a dirty old sock, he would treat you like a princess. He is not a dream man, when he treats you like this.

Move on.

Not just an idol popping round to suck him off.

These are your words OP. No one suggested this. (i dont think)

This suggests to me that deep down you know that is, in fact, exactly what this is for him :(

This may sound harsh- but it took me a long time to realise- sometimes good sex means NOTHING. You can have good sex with total idiots- and bad sex with people who really love and understand you.
You are having good sex with this man- but that's ALL it is. He doesn't 'understand' you or even seem to like you much. And if you are crying when you leave him, and he is asking you to leave because of his fucking skirting boards- WHY BOTHER?

This is not what a real relationship should be like.

He sounds vile and you are just someone to sleep with occasionally when he feels like it.

You can do sooo much better than this OP. What advice would you give to someone else who had posted this?

The bad far outweighs the good.

Get rid. BEFORE his birthday.

I'm going to stay for the two weeks.

But I am very prepared to walk away at the end.

I don't think he's doing anything maliciously. I think he's just genuinely a selfish, self absorbed person who finds it hard to understand why everyone else can't just want what he wants.

He does come across as hurt that I'm not happy. He has said that he thinks we have a good time when we're together so what's the problem. And we do.

It's just.. You should miss your girlfriend as standard. That's basic stuff

He is using you :( When you are there and he asks you to leave that must make you feel terrible, have you had sex before he does this?

You deserve better - have you had a thread about this man recently before?

This isn't going to end up with him down on one knee - just with you on your knees, then him dismissing you afterwards, it leaves a slightly sick taste in my mouth to be honest.

BUT - rather than try to understand him/change yourself to suit him/change him to suit you/make excuses for him, bla bla bla ... instead please try to see that he doesn't make you happy. Or is incapable of making you happy. And will never make you happy.

Don't waste any more of your life on him. It's sad and pointless. Find someone worthy of your love.

Really - what is the 2 weeks all about? Have you given him an ultimatum or something? He's going to be just the same at the end of the next two weeks as he has been for the last however many weeks while you've been in tears alone.

I see what everyone is saying and I agree with them all wholeheartedly unfortunately. But I am very aware that YOU have to be ready to make this break or you will go back to him as soon as he seems keen again. Which I would imagine would be about a week after you break it off- he will suddenly start respinding again, calling etc.

You need to be ready and in a place where you are strong enough to say no next time. You can't force it but just make sure you get there soonish- I wasted months and months feeling like you do and afterwards when it was finally over it was SUCH a relief I could not believe I had waited so long and gone back so many times (to the point where I was almost suicidal).