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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am leaving it two weeks from now and then I think we're breaking up

100 replies

BinksToEnlightenment · 05/11/2012 06:12

No one has to reply to this. I just need to get my thoughts out.

Problems with the relationship:
He's cold
When I asked him last night if he ever misses me at night he said sometimes
We have spent one night together three weeks ago. Before that I don't remember
I'm just not convinced that he even likes me anymore
He doesn't cuddle me
It was our anniversary recently. He didn't even buy me a card
I see him and when I get home, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I cry.
When I do see him, he asks me to leave. Often. Once it was because he had to paint his skirting boards. The next time I came back, he hadn't painted them.

Good things in the relationship:
I love him so much it hurts
We have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh so much it hurts
Lying with him and closing my eyes feels like a beautiful dream.
He understands me like no man ever has. Or will?
I get so excited to see him. I feel like a teenager with a crush.
Out of this solar system good sex. Perfect, and again, I feel like he's in tube with me like no man ever has been.

More on the relationship as it develops!

OP posts:

Conflugenglugen · 05/11/2012 13:00

OP - You are deflecting all questions about you back on to him. Re-read your list of positives and you can see the possibilities why this is not a real relationship:

I love him so much it hurts
Love shouldn't hurt. Why are you associating love with pain? Can you look at yourself long enough to answer it?

We have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh so much it hurts
Again, the pain. You equate the positives aspects of your love in terms of a sensation that is often used to warn of something needing attention.

Lying with him and closing my eyes feels like a beautiful dream.
That's because it is. You are closing your eyes. You are not willing to look at reality - to look at him.

He understands me like no man ever has. Or will?
Understand yourself first; then you won't need to see this as something that you require in a relationship.

I get so excited to see him. I feel like a teenager with a crush.
I think you have explained your way of relating with him well here, OP. This isn't love. It is a crushing. A crushing pain, in fact.

Out of this solar system good sex. Perfect, and again, I feel like he's in tune with me like no man ever has been.
Because the sex takes you away from earth - from being grounded and down-to-earth. Out of this solar system good sex is wonderful, when you know who you are and where you are.

Conflugenglugen · 05/11/2012 13:01

*It is a crush. A crushing pain, in fact.

ConfusedPixie · 05/11/2012 13:13

ill it be Christmas next? Get rid now, he's a fuck buddy, he gives you the lines you want to hear so that he can keep you on the side. My old fuck buddy still tries it on with me "I really did care about you y'know..." Yes, so much so that you jumped into bed with your ex a day later. Which is exactly what yours will do (maybe not ex, somebody else).

You're being silly to wait, get rid and get on with your life.

wewereherefirst · 05/11/2012 13:14

You feel like a teenager because its a teenage crush, there's no long term plans, you're his bit to play with. What's to say he's not got others on the go the same as you?

This is toxic, walk away with some sanity while you can.

Cabrinha · 05/11/2012 13:20

Oh FFS!
There's many of us that can relate to the difficulty of admitting to yourself that someone simply isn't that into you. For that, I would be sympathetic.
But mostly you need to grow up.

He forgot your "anniversary"? I last celebrated an anniversary of the day we met, when I was 13, and "celebrating" going out a month. Really. My husband and I wouldn't be able to remember the date we met. And if you've only been back with him for 9 months, it's actually the "anniversary" of starting the previous failed relationship.
He sounds like a waste of space, but the one bit of sympathy I have is for him being harangued over remembering a non date.

Even this "watch this space" type comment... You want a drama out of this.

Get rid of him, and spend some time growing up. Really. And now, not in 2 weeks.

AlexanderS · 05/11/2012 13:32

I once thought 'I'll give x amount of time' about a boyfriend. Before that time was up he'd slept with his male best friend.

This relationship is ill-starred OP. You're not in love, you're just addicted to the hot sex. Which, I would guess, is hot because you're so keen on him, not because you're having orgasms left, right and centre.

AlexanderS · 05/11/2012 13:32

Sorry, give it.

curlypoo · 05/11/2012 13:53

Oh dear. You are being a bit of a sap. The birthday date is just one invented in your head and if he shows the slightest bit of change or interest in you, you will hang in there. How completely humiliating. Please hold your head high and walk away, the birthday means shit.

curlypoo · 05/11/2012 13:53

curlypoo · 05/11/2012 13:54

If you are having these types of chats already he is just not that into you.

Only4theOlympics · 05/11/2012 13:56

Really. If 9 months in and you haven't hit honeymoon period then it is not worth your time or effort. This is supposed to be the really good bit. If it ain't good now he won't be around when the Shit really hits the fan and you need him.

Only4theOlympics · 05/11/2012 13:59

I predict the following:

I can't dump him now it's nearly his birthday
I can't dump him now it's nearly Xmas
I can't dump him now it's the new year.
I can't dump him now it's nearly valentines day:..........etc ....etc

curlypoo · 05/11/2012 13:59

If you are having these types of chats already he is just not that into you.

curlypoo · 05/11/2012 14:00

Sorry about the multiple posts. I do feel strongly but not that strongly..

Wowserz129 · 05/11/2012 14:16

Op you thinking is warped?? Why on earth do you think it's nicer to dump someone after their birthday?? So all he will think I'd she wanted to dump me before my birthday and she never!

Just get on and do it. Stop making immature excuses!

Lueji · 05/11/2012 14:18

Is his birthday tomorrow?
Or even in two days?

Somehow I think he'd recover well in time to celebrate it.

And why celebrate it with him and then dump him? I can imagine him looking at the photos with you and remembering that you dumped him a couple of days later.

I think it's actually kinder to dump before.
and save money on the present

And I hope he doesn't send you away on his birthday too.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 14:21

he'll have some massively diverting and interesting thing to do after you've given him his birthday blow job, OP...so that you have to leave sharpish

I vote a crisis around descaling the kettle

squeakytoy · 05/11/2012 14:26

he is an adult and probably doesnt care less about his birthday, or whether or not you dump him... before it, after it, or in the middle of blowing out the candles..

have some self respect..

itsallinmyhead · 05/11/2012 14:29

I would disagree with other opinions in regards to a relationship being dead in the water if it needs work 9 months in. If both parties are in love and are willing to work on whatever issue they have that's great, no matter how long they've been together.

I think the difference here is, that the picture you paint is of a very one sided relationship (rather, partnership) in which only you seem committed.

You must do what is right for you, so if giving it another fortnight is right, then for sure, I'll hold your hand through it & through the other side.

izzyizin · 05/11/2012 14:45

Aw there's nice for you, Binks. itsallinmyhead is going to hold your hand while you attempt to paint the other side of his skirting board your non-relationship a whiter shade of pale.

Original poster

BinksToEnlightenment · 05/11/2012 15:19

Thanks for the confidence boosting everyone. Girl power!!

Thanks itsallinmyhead though.

I will be taking two weeks to think over dumping someone I've known for ten years and love dearly. What a doofus I am!! Might as well be popping my head between lift doors and jabbing the close button, right?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 05/11/2012 15:24

Girl power?
OK... That confirms my suspicion that you are indeed about 13, what with your made up anniversary dates too.
No, it is not "girl power" to walk away from a "relationship" that isn't working. It's just normal, you know? It doesn't need a silly childish expression.
You seem rather keen on the dramatics here, so I'm bowing out and not giving you any more attention.

itsallinmyhead · 05/11/2012 15:29

So, Izzy, I'll just use this site tell others how to live their lives?

I'm not going to suggest that every poster 'fucks off' the guy they're asking for support over. Why? Cos it's is her life & despite the fact that this guy seems like a dick, she'll do what she's going to do, regardless of how many tell her to get shot of him.

I can't make her decisions for her but instead of patronising a grown woman with shouts of get rid, I'd rather offer my support to the OP in whatever decision she makes.

comethasmybrokentelly · 05/11/2012 15:32

Why are you hung up on dates and times?
As for anniversary being the day you met , and him not buying you a card....really, where to start ?
I do not know a single adult woman who expects their partner to acknowledge the anniversary of the day they met.

Only4theOlympics · 05/11/2012 15:56

I have been dumped before (who hasn't). The main thing I think about that time was "if he knew it was over why did he drag it out". In my opinion it is a cruel thing to do to someone.

In my case he had bought me gig tickets for my birthday and he had wanted to go so dumped me 2 days later rather than let me have a good night out with someone else. Great concert shame I don't like thinking about it (ruined a damned great band too)

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