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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband tracking

141 replies

Stopthepidgeon · 03/11/2012 13:35

Just tought of a novel way of checking up on my DH - want to run it by you all for possible pitfalls.

Use my iPhone touch - register it on my track my iPhone app and leave it his car? I can track its whereabouts from my iPhone.

Yes - I know, I know, if there's no trust then bail out. We are in the aftermath of my discovering his affair - we are talking things through and he tells me it's over with ow. It's just early days for me.

Just to add, I don't want a moral debate on here as to why I want to track him.

Just want to know if this is a realistic way of doing it.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:06

I won't leave, though. I married for life and I believe I should stay.

then there is nothing more to say.

I am just wondering is there anything he could do that would make you walk away ?

because you accept everything so far, he will escalate

next step...he knocks you to the floor with one punch because you are 5 mins home from work

there is a delay on public transport, you are automatically shagging other men, and deserve to be punished

yeah ?

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:08

he hospitalises you, for talking about the weather with someone in possession of a penis

he takes it out on your dc, because their mother is a worthless slut ?

is that ok ?

pointtopoint · 04/11/2012 20:12

None of it is OK, AF.

When I am out on my own (which is most days, with the kids) I will send him photos of the kids, and truthfully, it's to 'prove' I am where I said I was.

I don't go out alone at all.

We don't sleep in the same room (or even, actually the same floor)

I don't know how to make this OK... but I think leaving would make it worse.

Financially, he controls everything. As I said, I don't think I want to leave... just be treated as an adult.

Think I should possible stop now, as I've utterly hijacked the OP's thread.

coffeeinbed · 04/11/2012 20:15

Point, you I have some salmon in my fridge that used to be good.
It's gone off now, It stinks.
It's not staying in my fridge anymore.

You can't make him trust you.
Is there anyone he trusts at all?
I don't think so.

DameEnidsOrange · 04/11/2012 20:16

How about you tell him to treat you as an adult or you will leave?

You don't deserve to live this half life, and your DCs don't deserve to have one parent controlling the other - it is not a healthy example of a relationship for them.

And I think it is good for the OP to see where this could potentially lead - tracking will never be enough

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:17

I feel very sorry for you, point

I think your H gets something out of making you utterly miserable

and yet, no matter what he does, you will stay

that is the most unhealthy thing I have ever read on MN

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:18

if you were to divorce him, point, the legal system will stop him from finacially controlling you

in this day and age, no person has to stay with another

you will have to seek help though, and put to one side this "I made my bed...." attitude

your dc will not thank you for it in later years (voice of experience)

pointtopoint · 04/11/2012 20:25

that legal system would also make me hand over my children to him. For weekends and weeks at a time.

Children he finds hard to deal with for the odd half hour.

Children he shouts at for being... children.

And my DS is autistic and would struggle with all the upheaval. We'd sell the place he calls 'home' and buy two homes, that he'd never get his head around. And then constant flux between two parents. he'd hate it. Better to keep it together for him.

Offred · 04/11/2012 20:28

He isn't not treating you as an adult though point. He gets something out of controlling you this way, he's not treating you like a child, that would be abusive towards a child too IMHO. I don't even think it is about trust anymore if it ever was, it is about power and control. He benefits from having that power and control and he doesn't feel you or your feelings are important enough that he should not behave how he does so why exactly would he stop and suddenly make an effort to respect you?

Offred · 04/11/2012 20:30

The legal system doesn't make you hand children over to someone who doesn't want them/can't look after them.

You are kidding yourself if you think their home environment is stable now. If you split up YOU would be in charge of the stability of their lives and not him. You aren't now.

Redsilk · 04/11/2012 20:31

iPod touch doesn't have GPS, I thought.
What about an inexpensive GPS tracker? www.loc8tor.com/uk/

Offred · 04/11/2012 20:32

Plenty of people with autistic children have separated. You are determined to stay and finding excuses, for what reason? Do you know why you have such strong views about marriage being for life at any cost? Where that view came from?

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:34

point I think you should push and push to get all the support in RL that you need

if you think your H would mistreat your dc when you are not around to supervise, then that is a horrendous reason to stay with them

have you examples of this ? are they logged with your HV/GP/social services ?

if not, why not

I believe you, btw, please don't take my incredulous "but why aren't you doing X, Y, Z as either criticisms or disbelief

pointtopoint · 04/11/2012 20:35

Yes, my religion.

Not his - I should add - mine. Divorce is something I find hard to even contemplate.

pointtopoint · 04/11/2012 20:38

Offred - they do have a stable life. a happy life. One I am in total control of. 7 days a week. I might take this and that on the chin, but I get to sort the kids out. Schools. homework. outings. holidays. family.

I do it all.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:39

then at some point you will crumble, because this life you lead is not sutainable

and who will look out for your kids then ? (bearing in mind you have no safeguards set up for them if you are out of the picture)

pointtopoint · 04/11/2012 20:44

AF - you are a wise old bird, aren't you!?!

I am listening.

Offred · 04/11/2012 20:44

They cannot be better off when your life is so controlled and unhappy and their father is abusive. If they seem happy in this environment it surely is just a sign they have normalised the abuse you suffer meaning they risk repeating it as adults and/or suffering the trauma from it later on when they may readjust to normal life.

At the moment he allows you to control those things, what if he stops allowing that? How much control can you really have when you can't go anywhere with them without having to update him with pictorial evidence and he controls all the money?

You do not have to divorce to separate too.

Offred · 04/11/2012 20:46

What you seem to do is the work. You "get" to do the work and you are grateful for that because he exercises such control over everything else you see that as freedom. It is only relative though and your baseline is extremely restricted.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 20:49

listen to offred too, point

Offred · 04/11/2012 20:52

(You don't even have to leave to put your foot down about the stuff he is doing to you)

Women's aid would help you whether you chose to stay or leave. As AF says you can't keep on living the way you are and seeing it as a sacrifice to your God/for your children. I seriously doubt either would ultimately thank you for it.

pointtopoint · 04/11/2012 20:58

Offred - I'm listening to you too.

DameEnidsOrange · 04/11/2012 20:59

"If they seem happy in this environment it surely is just a sign they have normalised the abuse you suffer meaning they risk repeating it as adults and/or suffering the trauma from it later on when they may readjust to normal life. "

What religion would want that to happen? What religion would want someone to have to account for their every move and action?

Truly we are not trying to get at you, we are concerned for you and want to enable you to be able to escape this existence - for you and your DCs

StillThinkingOfANickname · 04/11/2012 20:59

Point, I was going to write a longish post to you as a lot of what you say brings back a lot of memories of what happened to me when I was with exh.

I can't write what happened as it brings too much back and leaves me shaking.

IME the emotional and financial control turned into physical and sexual abuse. The more I tried to pacify him, the more control he took until I was left like an empty shell and no where near the person I was when we met.

Mentally he broke me. I have DCs, one with SEN and currently going through dx for ADHD. My eldest DS is currently having therapy for the DV he witnessed. I left 5 years ago, I still don't know how I found the inner strength to leave, but I had to for the DCs. I was no use to them when I turned into a emotional wreck and unable to cope being with their Dad.

He was offered supervised contact a while back, he declined. We have not heard from him since.

StillThinkingOfANickname · 04/11/2012 21:03

Women's Aid are great. They can offer an outreach worker to visit you in a safe place, coffee shop for example. I ended up in a women's refuge as I had no other safe place to go. When I left refuge, I had a outreach worker who I visted in safe places.

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