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Original poster

Husband tracking

141 replies

Stopthepidgeon · 03/11/2012 13:35

Just tought of a novel way of checking up on my DH - want to run it by you all for possible pitfalls.

Use my iPhone touch - register it on my track my iPhone app and leave it his car? I can track its whereabouts from my iPhone.

Yes - I know, I know, if there's no trust then bail out. We are in the aftermath of my discovering his affair - we are talking things through and he tells me it's over with ow. It's just early days for me.

Just to add, I don't want a moral debate on here as to why I want to track him.

Just want to know if this is a realistic way of doing it.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

coffeeinbed · 03/11/2012 20:51

Oh ok.
Not that anyone would track me.
I don't know where I am half of the time.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 20:52

But I am not happy. Not by a long way.

This is why I know it's not right.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 20:58

I am suffocated.

Suffocated to the point where I have to explain what I have done every minute of every day.
Suffocated to the point that, should I take my phone to bed, he will wait until I'm asleep, then take it to check the messages (then check them against the bill to ensure none have been deleted)
Suffocated that he will phone friends suggesting that I am / would like an affair with them. Yeah... you try socialising with them after that.
Suffocated to the point that tomorrow I will pay for writing this.

I'm just putting the other side of the argument out there.

Offred · 03/11/2012 21:02

Point- why stay then?

Have only to offer op who doesn't want moral judgements...

That and that practically speaking even if a tracking device works I doubt it will offer any useful or helpful information, only questions and further damage...

Hassled · 03/11/2012 21:03

pointtopoint - I don't know what to say to you that won't have repercussions for you. You can probably guess what I want to say. Look after yourself.

GhostShip · 03/11/2012 21:05

This is ridiculous.

This is no way to live, and when does it come to an end? You cant do it forever.

If you don't want a moral debate then this shouldn't be in relationship, technology section would be best.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 21:07

Offred - I think he'd crucify me if I left. And, for what it's worth, I still value my marriage... I just don't appreicate the PI work that goes on. I have nothing to hide, but everything is questioned.

I'm just trying to point out to the OP that no amount of control will ever give you the feeling of contentment you are after.

It will just grow and grow... a bit like an addition... You will never get to a place where you'll be like 'aha... I have XXXX information so I am happy' It will NEVER happen.

GhostShip · 03/11/2012 21:12

You're right pointtopoint.

Also OP, it can become obsessive. I've done stuff like this with my cheating ex, I just thought 'oh ill check it once, all will be well'. Nope. I almost made myself ill with it. You'll end up checking more and more, in different ways. You'll end up being anxious when the ipod runs out of charge and you cant track him!

If you don't trust him enough to not do it again, you shouldn't have forgiven him.I learnt that the hard way.

Viviennemary · 03/11/2012 21:39

I know this is a difficult subject. But if you have been cheated on it is difficult to trust that person again. And that's why people are suspicious.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 21:50

No, it's not bloody difficult.

It's really simple.

Feel you can trust + want the relationship = Stay

Any other combination = don't stay.

Worse than anything, is make the other person stay just to prove you can.

Offred · 03/11/2012 21:56

Agree totally with point to point and ghost ship. Someone who cheats (wants to keep main relationship and have extra one too and willing to lie for these purposes) is selfish but someone who expects the cheater to surrender their entire privacy and also wants to check up is treating their partner as a possession not a lover.

cece · 03/11/2012 21:56

On a practical note.

tallwivglasses · 03/11/2012 21:56

I'm just worried how pointtopoint is going to pay for this

Looksgoodingravy · 03/11/2012 21:59

The OP has only just gone through the trauma of finding out about her dh affair, so she is probably still in shock and going through all sorts of emotions.

I went through this six months ago OP. The difference in my case is that dp installed this App onto his and my phones afterwards as he wanted me to have peace of mind that he was where he says he was going to. Awful thing to think if using BUT in those early traumatised days it helped me, I've not used it for about four months now!

OP has your dh shown true remorse? Is everything now open to you, phone, email etc, what steps has he taken to make you believe it's over with ow?

Looksgoodingravy · 03/11/2012 22:03

I agree that as time goes by and both parties want the relationship to work then the checking up has got to stop but I think in the aftermath of finding out about an affair then everything has to be open to the betrayed partner whether he/she checks or not.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 22:05

I agree that as time goes by and both parties want the relationship to work then the checking up has got to stop

WHen, then?

1 year
2 years?
6 years?
More?

Offred · 03/11/2012 22:09

I don't agree about openness in this sense, I don't really think this is openness in the true sense anyway since there is a huge disparity between the "openness" of each partner and also with tracking what the cheater is committing to and what their partner is getting and I don't see this as an achievement at all I think it is abusive of trust etc. I don't believe at all in the staying together at any cost stuff either. If you can't trust then don't, if the person really wants you and us willing to put the work in they will and then you can willingly choose to go back otherwise you are better off alone IMHO.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 22:15

I would say: Checking up (covertly) is just as much a breach of trust as cheating. Sorry. It's true.

Lying about what you are doing is lying.

Looksgoodingravy · 03/11/2012 22:15

Point, once trust has been shattered it can take years to build it back. I'm no expert I'm just someone who was totally and utterly devastated six months ago, had my world (as I knew it) ripped apart. In the early days transparency is so important, it shows the betrayed partner that you are actively trying to show them that you are no longer being deceitful.

Each couple is different. Who am I to say how long, how long's a piece of string?

I will say however that I'm now in a much better place six months on. I DON'T feel the need to check on anything dp tells me, even though I've got passwords to everything I don't check. That's down to me not him.

Offred · 03/11/2012 22:21

Ok, all that accepted looksgood there is a. A massive difference between the cheater offering tracking and the partner secretly tracking and b. no actual reason that I can see why it is better to stay together while the trust is being repaired - even more so if the lack of trust provokes temptation o behave abusively.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 22:22

Yeah, well, I'm well past 6 years and my DH still checks every bleeding thing. If that means he has a worry, no issue, he'll just raise it with whoever I happened to text. No matter how innocent. If he has a problem... we all have a rpoblem.

Not to worry. He (my DH) has multiple phones and I have no clue what he does or doesn't get up to at work. ANother one of our new 'rules' I explain everything. He expains nothing. Excellent.

pointtopoint · 03/11/2012 22:23

Oh, should I mention that the only one of us to cheat within marriage is him????????????? No, I probably shouldn't.

PoppyAmex · 03/11/2012 22:27

point sorry your relationship is in trouble, but the reality is we don't know the OPs circumstances and they might be very different from yours.

I've seen so many threads here where women are suddenly left in terrible financial and emotional situations and no one has a problem with advising them to "spy" and gather as much evidence as they can in order to protect themselves and their children.

I'm not saying this is right or even that it applies to the OP, but the fact is we don't know where she is coming from.

Looksgoodingravy · 03/11/2012 22:30

Agree Offred.

Obviously OP needs more reassurance from her dh, if she doesn't get this then it's hard to start to repair the damage caused.

It's only through dp actions in the beginning and his true remorse and transparency that we had something to build on, since then I've had to work on me so that I don't become this insecure betrayed person constantly needing to check up and I'm not, it feels good.

Offred · 03/11/2012 22:31

Poppy the op is not asking for advice about gathering info on finances in order to leave, she is asking how to track where her partner goes - completely different. I've never ever advised tracking or snooping.

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