Husband tracking

[Stopthepidgeon]

Just tought of a novel way of checking up on my DH - want to run it by you all for possible pitfalls.

Use my iPhone touch - register it on my track my iPhone app and leave it his car? I can track its whereabouts from my iPhone.

Yes - I know, I know, if there's no trust then bail out. We are in the aftermath of my discovering his affair - we are talking things through and he tells me it's over with ow. It's just early days for me.

Just to add, I don't want a moral debate on here as to why I want to track him.

Just want to know if this is a realistic way of doing it.

Thanks in advance.

Sorry Point but this sounds like a pretty stifling existence.

Are you saying your dh cheated but feels the need to check on you?

Point I really don't want to get you in trouble but this is no life for you and there are organisations that will help you.

Point i'm guessing that your DH is the same as DP, feeling that because he cheated and knew how easy it all was, that you will do the same because that particular wall was demolished by none other than himself, and he know its more than he deserves.
The pain he is feeling is of his own making. Sorry you're going through this.

FWIW i have total transparency in relationship with DP now as it always has been from my side, except for my FB which is the only thing he couldn't just check and doesn't have the password for. I pretend that i don't know that he checks up on me.

I for my part, stopped checking up on him a long time ago, when i realised it was making me ill. The feeling i used to get when putting email addresses and passwords into certain sites was awful and i didn't want to keep putting myself through that. I feel awful that DP regularly goes through the same pain and fear when he checks up on me despite the fact i have never, and would never, cheat or deceive him, still, that's his lookout.

To the OP, i am told by DP that the find my friends app and find my iphone are both as good as each other for telling you where someone is so yes, it would work. I hope it helps you in your particular healing process and that one day you don't find you have to check any more.

Point, that's just terrible. Why do you tolerate it?

It's controlling and abusive- I hope your husband reads this

Thankyou everyone for your useful comments - as some of you rightly pointed out I specifically said I wasn't looking for moral debate on this subject - never mind.

I only wanted opinions on whether this was a viable option - for what it's worth, as I'm sure many cheating OH's have done, the level of his deceit was appalling and so now I've seen just to what lengths he will go to cover his tracks. Unfortunately, perhaps, for me - I have copies of all the correspondence between him and OH which have been handed to my solicitor to be held on a for now dormant file - the problem with having these written things is the potential for damage it can do with the temptation of re-reading it all. A thread for another time so please don't pick up on this for ANOTHER moral debate.

For what it's worth I just wanted to know if this was a do-able thing should I feel the need at some future date.

For those of you who responded - at personal risk - with your own story - I hope you find peace soon.

Stop - APologies if my comment didn't fit your guidelines for responses.

You may wish to check the definition of 'free speech' before requesting advice from an open forum in the future.

My comment, however, is still valid. It doesn't matter than it doesn't comment only on the vailidity of your techonological quest to track down your husband. If you have to go to this degree, IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

You will drag both him and yourself into this mire. You will blame him.... cos he started it, didn't he? But that's not an argument. If you can't leave it be... LEAVE. Full stop. This is your call right now. And the call you have to make is: Leave IT or leave HIM. This is the only sane choice you have.

And, quite honestly. I don't think you give a shit about me. You probably think I deserve everything I get. I promise you, I don't.

Stop, i understand exactly what you're saying and so do a lot of other people here. I too saw conversations i really would rather not have seen, and they were like ripping your own chest open with a spoon. You take whatever steps you need to take to find peace, of course most will say 'Leave the bastard' and if it ever happens that you do, trust me you will have plenty of support here.

But only you can live your life.

Unfortunately open forums will have people on them who won't say what you wish to hear, such is the nature of this beast lol, you will just have to ignore it. Hope things are better for you soon.

Obviously I am a lazy fucker- but really WHY BOTHER? It's soul destroying- for both of you; takes time and emotional energy that you could be putting to much better use- and for how long? 20 years of checking? Thirty years of checking? On your deathbed still checking your Iphone?

Even if he never ever cheats again- what have you really won?

No comment on tracking.

If I leave my iPhone in my car, it sets the car alarm off if I get a text.

point why don't you leave your husband ?

he isn't a Superperson with SuperPowers

he's an inadequate arsehole, that isn't worth staying married to

seek appropriate RL help and you can leave him, if you really wanted to

Pointtopoint your posts on this thread are really upsetting. Your H is an arse.

An abusive, controlling arse.

Why would you want to stay with him?

Help and support is out there

OP - yes I believe that it is possible to do what you are wanting to do - no judgement

AF - No, I can't I'm stuck in some of weird reality where I have to stay to prove I don't want to leave (Because he is sure I want to leave... hence all the checking). ANd, actually, I don't want to leave. I just want to be trusted to make a phone call or have a conversation without being accused of something.

I suppose that is why this thread has got to me so much. At what point does trust in a relationship mean one person has to know EVERYTHING about the other?

I can't go anywhere without telling DH where I'm going, who with, why etc., I can't have a text conversation without him questioning jokes, I can't FB people for a catch up / rant without it being pulled up. I can't talk to most people because he's spoken to them about my character flaws. There are actually people who text him first to check it's OK to call me

But, yet, I'm constantly in the wrong. constantly saying sorry for something, some perceived injustice. I suppose I can just see the OP going down that track.

point that sounds like hell on earth

and you have said yourself, you will never satisfy that need to check, when it gets past the point of rationality

when does it end ?

it sounds like, in your case, it will end when you put a stop to it

leave him, who cares if he feels you have fulfilled his prophecy ?

it was a self-fulfilling one on his part...because no-one can be expected to live the way you do

There are actually people who text him first to check it's OK to call me

how embarassing for you

I truly think that someone that embarasses you to that extent, crossed a line a long time ago

how can you respect a person who does this

point - what would happen if you deleted texts / cleared your call list / changed passwords?

You could start to stop his freakish behaviour by telling him you will not tolerate it any longer

If I deleted texts etc., he would go mental, as he cross references my texts to my bill. If I delete any (which I admit, I have) he will go mental and then of course, I cannot argue they were innocent (which they were... but if they were innocent why would I delete them?)

If I change passwords, he will demand I log into my account with him watching and then tell him the password.

He pays all the bills (so my phone bill goes directly to him, by email. he sees it before I do)

You get the idea that this is a teeny tiny bit controlling?

Actually no... I did delete texts and he did go mental

I did change my password and he did go mental and made me change it so he knew what it was.

Both past tense.

Then your dh needs therapy Point. It must be awful living this way. His self esteem must be at rock bottom for him to be so controlling about your life, it's like a warped game, trying to catch you out. You just can't live like this.

point we are don't need convincing about how fucked up his behaviour is

you cannot win

hence, you should not be participating in this macabre game

walk away from it

point - I am worried about you. Is he violent (you say "he went mental")

What a sad waste of a life to live under this immense pressure

your friends and family must have no respect for this man

why, exactly, do you ?

Because it used to be ok, because I haven't done anything to make it not OK, because I don't believe in walking away from marriage.

I don't see why I should walk away when I've done nothing wrong. Hence my advice to the OP - Either move on or move out. Don't make your partner suffer for ever because you haven't quite got the required information from your fucking I-cloud / i-phone. It's a total joke.

Why should I (or OP's partner) take it on the chin for leaving when we did nothing frigging wrong? I have tried and tried and tried to make my DH trust me. But we're at the point where even 'Do you want a cup of tea?' can be mistaken for a request for sex.

I won't leave, though. I married for life and I believe I should stay.

"I just want to be trusted"

Point, he is never going to trust you, not ever, not in a million years. This has gone way beyond trust now anyway, this is control. Your choice is stay and put up with this, likely with it getting worse and worse too, or leave.

Leaving isn't about who did what wrong btw it is about ending something really fucked up that is fucking up both your lives and any children you may have.