Another birthday memory ruined

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

ds's birthday
Dh just ruined it( fortunately not for DS)
Moaned, whinged, didnt want him to open his presents, wouldn't let him play with his toys, got all stressy in the restaurant
Last year, he didn't make the restaurant, left us sitting there
The year before he went to visit his mum because she had a specialist appt, so DS didn't see him
The year before was the biggest heartache our family has ever seen, he threatened a member of my family

I think that someone who was seriously depressed (to the extent he reckons his depression affects his dealings with you and your DS) would not find themselves jolly and chatty like that after a few drinks. This to me, suggests a man who can turn it on and off at will. Not good at all.

OP with this man there will always be something. He will always find a way to keep the attention on him, always blame others, always create drama.

You say you call him on it all the time, that must be exhausting. The rest of the time you are probably exasperated or seething. It is no way to live and terribly bad for your health and DS's well being.

You would both be better off with him gone. All that energy you expend on DH can then rightfully go into building a safe and happy life for you and DS.

OP, the more you write the more i am of the view that he is being calculated because of his overwhelming need to be in control... and your DS are left on a roller coaster of "is he ok, isn't he Ok?"
I am not sure about the extent to which his difficulties are contributing to his behaviour, but he seems to be dictating what he can cope with or manage.
It's not good enough for you or your DS, but I think you probably know that.
You and more importantly your DS deserves better...act now OP and don't spend anymore time regretting.

I read this and felt so sorry for your ds. He must dread birthdays and most days. He has no choice right now but you do. The other posts have said it all and they are right.

Next year do a kids event during the day and don't invite him. And as for refusing to swing him - arse. That really upset me, quite irrationally I suppose.

And he can and will find somewhere to go. You would, wouldnt you? I have personal experience of ' ooh I can't leave him, he wouldn't manage etc etc' loosely translated as ' I'm ok with seeing my dc made unhappy and exposed to this shite, even though I can do something I won't " so I am easily upset with ths kind of thread. Shouldnt have posted maybe.

Really op, maybe your dsil can offer him a bed. She won't hve to share it with him, will she?

yep, sounds like he's just pick fights so he has the excuse to get out social occasions he doesn't want to deal with.

Make a choice, you can not change him, is this good enough? Would being single be easier or harder?

What a tosser! Selfish, miserable and manipulative. I've suffered from depression in the past, it doesn't turn you into a prick,unless you are one already. You need to get rid, you and your soon need and deserve better.

Had great day with lots of children
Shattered
Will see how DS's party goes tomorrow, then take it from there
I think at the very least there will be a few ultimatums, with timescalea

You don't say much about the money worries. Is this something that bothers you too? Could it be contributing to your DH's stress re restaurants etc?

How would you manage moneywise after a split?

Ime, your h will be the hostess with the mostest.... in actual fact, that's what pissed me off most, so i ignored him, didn't introduce him to anyone, and treated him like staff tbh.

This was the last weeks of a 10 yr abusive relationship though, where thanks mostly to MN, I'd woken up and seen the light, that he was hurting us because he wanted/needed to. I knew it'd never get any better, and that my son was never going to be used to get to me again.