Another birthday memory ruined

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

ds's birthday
Dh just ruined it( fortunately not for DS)
Moaned, whinged, didnt want him to open his presents, wouldn't let him play with his toys, got all stressy in the restaurant
Last year, he didn't make the restaurant, left us sitting there
The year before he went to visit his mum because she had a specialist appt, so DS didn't see him
The year before was the biggest heartache our family has ever seen, he threatened a member of my family

My OH was very depressed for years, he was horrible, selfish, and sounds a lot like your husband. But he was really depressed, once I convinced him to see a doctor and start on AD he's had a personality transplant. He is lovely, kind amd really regrets the way he acted for so long.

But the difference is he responded well to the AD, the first ones he tried didn't help and sent him back a lot but after much convincing he tried a different kind and they are the ones that work. You say you're husband has tried everything yes? Or is he just not bothering to try other methods? Maybe it's not caused by depression then and that's just the type of person he is.

If counselling and ADs haven't helped (and an improvement still means you are constantly walking on eggshells and your DS's birthday has been spoiled again) - what DO you think would help? Surely now is the time to start seeing that actually he either can't or won't be helped. Get out of this crap relationship and start living, for you and your son. Oh, and he CAN afford to move out. He just doesn't want to, because he wouldn't be able to keep controlling you.

Jax, his mum doesn't live in this country

So long as he moves somewhere, it doesn't matter whether it's his mother, his brother, mate or the blasted Salvation Army.

Sorry, that sounded rude. I just don't get why, when a poster says that he should move out to his mum's, your reponse is that his mum lives abroad. He just needs to find somewhere else; it's not a reason for him to stay with you.

I'm just answering the questions Fire!
I know what you mean

How long has he been on the AD's?

he's into his 3rd month
It's a really low dose though
10 mg citalaopram

I think he should go back to gp
took him months to go the first time

Do you think he's genuinely depressed or is this just him??

I would hate to turn my back on someone with genuine depression & would do all I could to help them. However, if this is simply who he is then you can't help him.

Thing is, plenty of abusive people have depression (lots of buried self-hatred involved in wanting to control others).
And plenty of depressed people do not behave abusively.

Depressed or not, people retain the choice of how they behave.

If somebody fundamentally believes that other people's feelings do not count, then they will act on that belief: their depression is not the cause of such beliefs (and attendant behaviour).

The depression may be the cause of his behaviour, however, this means that he has been depressed for fr years, and has ruined every birthday your child has had.

When a parents behaviour, caused by either personality or illness, is making a child miserable on what should be a happy day, and the parent either will not or CANNOT change, the parent has to go.

Please do not choose nursemaiding your husband over nurturing your son. Your husband has his turn at being a little boy, now it's your sons turn. Your husband needs to grow up or get out.

I think he is genuinely depressed, he is physically and mentally exhausted

but I also think he plays on this
E.g after he knew I wasn't very happy with him last night, he laid it on thick about being exhausted, and worried about money, etc

You are right OP. Depression is not an excuse for bad behaviour; not an excuse for trampling on the feelings of loved ones.

What are you going to do?

10mg citalopram is a total waste of time, most people run on 20mg but 40mg is the most effective dose. He needs to go back to the doctor.

What he is doing, he isn't doing it to hurt you, as someone else suggested, he is doing it to hurt himself in a twisted sort of way, i've been where he is (still am to a degree) an i have behaved terribly. The depression is no excuse and he must see this, but it is very hard.

Are there any practical things that you can do, together, to help sort things - money worries are EVIL, again i know how that is, it can taint everything and minor irritations become the straw that broke the camels back.

Yes...he tried to blame the choices he made on exterior factors. It's bollocks you know. It's just how he makes his peace with being a cunt to you - how he justifies it to himself.

Plenty of people are depressed and do not abuse their spuses. Depression is no reason. Neither is stress.

just to explain the other birthdays
his 2nd birthday- DS didn't know anything. DH caused a row with a family member.
3rd birthday- DS really didn't know it was a big deal that Daddy was away, he is away a lot for work. And DH went to see him mum who was having a first appt with cancer consultant
4th birthday- he had a crisis at work and didn't make it to the restaurant. But even last night, he couldn't remember what the crisis was and why it was so important.

DS has a lot of people that make a fuss of him on his birthday, and has birthday parties
He told me yesterday that it was the best day of his life, bless him

he has a party on Sunday, DH better put a smile on his face for that

Mind you, from your other thread you say you were given counselling as your GP etc felt you were being abused... does this tell us all we need to know about your DH's 'depression'? Do you see the same GP?

I would hate to condemn someone with genunine, debilitating, depression - but actually I think he's just a nasty bloke using it as an excuse... and that you should make him leave again & stay left this time.

I agree with Lucy, 10mg isn't that much, and he's only been on them for 3 months so he may only just be experiencing the results of them about now. He should speak to his GP about increasing his dose.

I think I will get through the party weekend first!
insist he goes back to the GP, sorts out ad's.
I actually think he needs time off work, but that worries him( just got new boss, trying to prove himself etc)

I am looking back to going to work, but it's really tricky market
that would help financially

It's just how he makes his peace with being a cunt to you - how he justifies it to himself yes pictish, I know.

But four times out of four, your husband has actively tried to stop a celebration happening. By not turning up, by attempting to stop present opening, by fighting with your family.

So next year, he has a 0% probability of being a good father.

That is a risk I would not take with my child's happiness.

Your child being used to his fathers behaviour is not a good thing, you know. A five year old accepting that his parent tries to sabotage anything good .... That's not right, it's not healthy. It's so sad.

2nd birthday - unforgivable
3rd birthday - i'd accept this
4th birdhday - work doesn't matter but i can think of better birthday treats than a resturant anyway.
This birthday, sounds like you were watching like a hawk.
Yes, he had better paint a smile on and help out.

Most important thing he can do is get his ADs sorted out.

As much as people want to say that stress is no excuse for bad behaviour, no, it isn't an excuse but it is often a reason. As a person who suffers from MH issues i would like to think i'd get a more sympathetic response than being called a cunt if i started a thread saying that i have been stressy around my child because i felt at the end of my rope.

different gp, Chipping
I went to my GP, with anxiety and feeling v low. I've been back and forth for years, put it off, and finally agreed to start ad's myself. It is all caused by him.100 %
The counselling offered by the GP is from the women's centre, from my assessment, that's who they thought could help me the most. I've only had one proper session because of half term.

insist he goes back to the GP, sorts out ad's.
I actually think he needs time off work, but that worries him( just got new boss, trying to prove himself etc)

Sweetheart, all of that is his lookout.
His health, his ADs, his choice to visit his GP, his working arrangements.

The only things you are responsible for sorting out are your own and your son's well-being.

He is a grown-up and can take care of himself. More to the point: any change will have to come from him, from inside, in order to be effective. You can't change another person, you can't assist him to be a better person: only he can do all that. If he can be bothered.

lucy- think kids themed animal restaurant- DS loves it
I can see you are seeing this from the other side, thank you

Well, I've had gravely serious MH issues and I say his depression does not excuse the DH's repeated unkindness towards his son. It does not.