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Original poster

Another birthday memory ruined

109 replies

Kingcyrolophosarus · 01/11/2012 23:06

ds's birthday
Dh just ruined it( fortunately not for DS)
Moaned, whinged, didnt want him to open his presents, wouldn't let him play with his toys, got all stressy in the restaurant
Last year, he didn't make the restaurant, left us sitting there
The year before he went to visit his mum because she had a specialist appt, so DS didn't see him
The year before was the biggest heartache our family has ever seen, he threatened a member of my family

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 02/11/2012 08:41

The not holding the hands to lift your ds up thing has almost made me cry.

ScooseIsOnTheLoose · 02/11/2012 08:43

He tells you he loves you does he ever tell your son he loves him?

Original poster
Kingcyrolophosarus · 02/11/2012 08:47

he tells ds he loves him all the time too

he's not like this all the time
I thought it was getting better, he was a bit more patient etc, actually playing with him

my sister commented last week that she thought he was great

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingcyrolophosarus · 02/11/2012 08:47

proundnscary- he did hold his hand, but he was saying no we can't do it because it's too busy
I was still doing it!

OP posts:
pictish · 02/11/2012 08:52

What a swine! He's controlling and miserable, and you're living your life walking on eggshells. It's no good at all.
He does not deserve you and his wee son.

Proudnscary · 02/11/2012 08:53

Ok so you are doing a classic back track.

You start off saying he has ruined another special day for you. He is miserable and difficult and impatient.

Now he is great - your sister says so! He tells your son he loves him all the time! He did hold his hand!

You started this thread for a reason.

pictish · 02/11/2012 08:54

The truth is hard to face OP. I know. xxx

HissyByName · 02/11/2012 08:58

My ex did this. It's to hurt you btw.

Your boy is just collateral damage to your H.

End it. Show your boy that being a man is NOT this. My son is so much more confident, relaxed and happy now that we're on our own.

You can't live in a home where someone resents you and your happiness.. And worse that of a 5 y o.

The only way that H of yours will wake up, is if you give him an almighty wakeup call.

TheProvincialLady · 02/11/2012 08:59

If you stay in this relationship, just be prepared to justify it to your son when he is an adult. Because the poor boy is having a miserable childhood. I speak from experience.

pictish · 02/11/2012 08:59

Agree with Hissy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2012 09:02

"I don't know why I am still here
Every time, he persuades me to stay
one of the issues right now is money
he doesn't have the money to move out"

So what do you get from this relationship now?.

How does he persuade you to stay, him saying that he will change and you hoping that this time he will mean it?. Some hope that is, its a false hope. He acts like this because he can and you allow him to do this to you and by turn your child.

Trying to change someone else never ever works either. You cannot rescue someone who does not want to be helped.

He does not give a toss for either you or his child.

Have you ever sought legal advice, sounds like you have not done so to date.

So what do you get from this dysfunctional relationship exactly?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Your sister as well does not have to live with him on a day to day basis.

If you were to stay with this man for the long term, your own relationship with your son could be irreparably damaged as he could well ask you when older why you put your H before him.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 02/11/2012 09:06

Your sister isn't even living with him, let alone married to him.
How blunt are you with him? Have you actually tried telling him he's being a total cock? How about telling him his child will grow up hating him? Did he actually WANT a child?
He's big enough and daft enough to look after himself - kick him to the kerb.
DH once dumped us on DS's birthday (2nd) and DS said something that choked me so I told DH I was never going to forgive him for putting a guitar above his child. He knows me well enough to never compromise children's birthday joy ever again.

Lovingfreedom · 02/11/2012 09:07

If you won't do it for you....do it for your son. Just think...this time next year your DS could be having the best birthday ever....with a happy mum.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 02/11/2012 09:07

maybe he could move to his mothers for a while?

The other posters have covered everything else. Sad

DontmindifIdo · 02/11/2012 09:08

you sister sees your DH when your DH is on his best behaviour. Be honest, do you tell your sister all the crap he does or just the positive highlights? If you 'cheerlead' him you can't be surprised she doens't see the crap, or when she's there and he lets the 'mask' slip a bit, she's more likely to overlook it as this "isn't what he's normally like" whereas you know the arsy behaviour is the norm.

You can stay with him, but don't be here next year saying he's ruined another birthday, you know this is who he is, only stay with him if you think this is exactly how you want your life and your DS's life to be.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 02/11/2012 09:14

He sounds passive/aggressive. Not wanting to actually punch you, he's hurting you by beating you over the head with your child, and with your child's love for you. Everyone here is right. He's ruining your lives and will not stop.
What else does he do? The ruined birthdays stick in your memory because they are special dates, but what about the rest of the year? No different, eh?

pictish · 02/11/2012 09:22

Your sister does not live with him, so I think you can safely be the authority on what he's like. I

HissyByName · 02/11/2012 09:38

My beloved sister AND mother both knew that my ex was an arse, but they did and said all sorts of things to keep me in that relationship, keep our DS in that relationship.

Your sister, at best, knows nothing, at worst she knows full well what's going on, but it makes HER look better, seeing YOU being hurt.

My sister went on to really drive home her hatred of my happiness, I slung her out of my life too.

Not saying that this is the case with you, but your H seems to be described with many of the words used to cover up controlling, manipulative and cruel behaviour.

A real man doesn't begrudge their child's birthday.

AgathaFusty · 02/11/2012 09:45

A good father would go out of his way to ensure his child had a lovely day.

tinysleepy · 02/11/2012 10:00

My dad was like your DH. Always knocked the good out of any given situation, especially birthdays, Christmas and holidays.

I got so upset seeing my mum trying to encourage him and do the job of two parents.

I think this is such a damaging environment for a child; no matter how you try and compensate or keep things happy, your DS will pick up on the atmosphere and daddy's "mood"

I honestly believe growing up in this situation made me become so hypervilgilant of my father's responses that I was always trying to please him and excuse his behaviour - even when he embarrassed us when we were out or failed to engage in family events. I was pathetically happy on the rare occassions he actually behaved like a dad.

When my dad was away with work, my mum, sister and I could relax and enjoy ourselves - when he was home he would suck the joy out of family life and we had to choice of confronting him and the whole day being ruined, or walking on broken egg-shells all day desperately trying to please him.

I was 35 before I actually stood up to him and our relationship changed. The sad thing is he wouldn't recognise any of this behaviour was wrong.

I am telling you all this because it might help you to change things for your son's benefit - promise yourself you won't let your selfish 'D' H ruin another birthday for your precious DS.

Your DH is being a controlling arse - please create a happier future for you and your DS. Saying he loves you is not enough. He has to act like it not just say it. Words are cheap. Your DS is only little once and deserves a parent who will be just that - not some entitled twat who ruins his birthday. This makes me sooooo mad!!!

ProcrastinatingPanda · 02/11/2012 10:12

Has he always acted like this or is his awful behaviour caused by him being so ill?

Original poster
Kingcyrolophosarus · 02/11/2012 10:15

thank you all

I'm not trying to excuse him, I was just answering questions, I'm not backtracking, honest!

I think the reason I have hung around so long, is that I hoped it would change, but it's been too long

the reason I mentioned my sister is that she does know the details, and she knows that he is on his last chance, which is why she commented on the improvement, which I guess she is putting down to the ad's and him trying to change

tinysleepy, your post is ringing so many bells
Blissfullyignorant, I have been very blunt with him, I have told him that it will damage DS, that was the last time, I actually got him to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingcyrolophosarus · 02/11/2012 10:19

PP- that's the thing, he has always excused it because there has been stress, he is tired, and depressed.
He's exhausted

But fundamentally he is a selfish person, who wants his own way, and can't see that DS should be able to have as much fun as he wants on his birthday( within reason)
He can't put aside his problems for DS

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/11/2012 10:23

I'm not enabling him, honest, I call him all the time

...and yet you are still there. Your calling him out on his shitty behaviour has not had any impact. Nor is it likely to. Sticking around for more is the enabling behaviour here.

FireOverBabylon · 02/11/2012 10:27

Your son is 5, so his dad has ruined every one of his birthdays that he can remember. 100% of them. Birthdays are when my dad gets stressed and causes a scene.

not great for your son is it?

Sit down and say to him (note not talk with him, he doesn't get to reply) that you are disappointed that this has happened again and that by, say Christmas, you need to see x, y ,and z improvement or you will be asking him to leave in the new year because you will not tolerate the impact that his behaviour is having on your children any more. Time to start becoming more assertive and protect your child from the effects of this.