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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband lost his temper with our son (5) and said...

86 replies

earwig1 · 31/10/2012 21:50

"Do you want me to send you away to a home?" after our son threw a tantrum. It's not the first time he says that, and I have warned him before never to say that again. I'm sure he was told that as a child and he can't remember, but it comes out unconsciously sometimes. Most of the time he is a good father, and the children love him very much. How angry would you be?

OP posts:
Ponders · 31/10/2012 21:51

well, he shouldn't say it

bit does a 5-yr-old knows what his dad means by "a home"?

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2012 21:52

That's appalling. It's designed to make your son feel unsafe in his own home.

BooBooChicken · 31/10/2012 21:52

We are all capable of saying horrible things in the heat of the moment, i'm sure he wishes he hadn't said it

Original poster
earwig1 · 31/10/2012 21:52

I'm sure my son has no idea what it means...but it sounds horrible to me, and it upsets me...

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 31/10/2012 21:54

It is the sort of thing some people used to say. Idiots.
I would be annoyed but mostly I would want him to sort it out. I would want him to explain to DS that this would never happen and he was very wrong to say it. And I would want him to agree that he wouldn't say it again.

Ponders · 31/10/2012 21:54

*but Blush

what your DH needs to try to remember (apart from counting to 3 before uttering) is that you should not make empty threats if you want your children to take you seriously when you're angry with them

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2012 21:59

BooBooChicken - he has said this before.

SirBoobAlot · 31/10/2012 22:00

What a vile thing to say :( Your poor DS.

BooBooChicken · 31/10/2012 22:06

Oh sorry OP i didn't read carefully Sad puts a very different perspective on things

Original poster
earwig1 · 31/10/2012 22:09

I don't want him in bed with me tonight, sofa for him for acting like a complete twant!!

OP posts:
Ponders · 31/10/2012 22:11

When our kids were small I was friendly with a perfectly nice woman who used to tell her DD1, aged about 4, that if she was unkind to her little sister that the police would come & take her away.

I did tell her that really wasn't a helpful thing to say but it kept coming out.

It can be incredibly hard not to repeat the mistakes your own parents made, as OP has said Sad

Yama · 31/10/2012 22:15

My Mum used to tell my brother that he'd be sent to a "bad boys' home". Perhaps she only said it once but I remember it. I imagined that it was underground for some reason. My brother wasn't phased.

My Mum is lovely by the way but 3 under 4 pushed her to breaking point I reckon. Not excusing, just trying to understand.

Scroobius · 31/10/2012 22:16

We used to be told the police thing all the time when we were children and it never did me any harm. Honest Wink
I think if it's not upsetting ds then there's no need to be too worried however if its said in anger it's a bit different to the sort of humorous way we used to be told it. I tell the dog quite regularly that he's going to live in the woods with the bears if he doesn't stop chewing things... Tbf I'll probably use the same line on dd when she arrives but I suppose that's more obviously not true.

Woozley · 31/10/2012 22:17

He probably just repeated it as his parents said it to him, without thinking.

ikigai · 31/10/2012 22:19

He might not understand what it means now, but he will in a couple of years time.

My dad used to tell me, my dbro and dsisters that he'd make sure we go into different homes so that we had nobody. I remember it scaring the hell out of me when I was not much older than 5.

Original poster
earwig1 · 31/10/2012 22:19

Thanks everyone for giving some wise perspective, but when he acts like that he reminds me of his dad, who is my least favourite person...

OP posts:
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 31/10/2012 22:21

I used to joke to my dds about 'calling the children's home' and sometimes pick up the phone and say 'hello is that the children's home...? I've got two girls I want you to take'.

It was so obviously not serious and they felt really secure so they'd just say 'Muuum..' and laugh. They were older than your son, and able to appreciate the humour, and they knew it was just me teasing them - it wouldn't have been funny otherwise.

The idea of saying this to a five year old in anger is horrifying, but it probably IS what his parents used to say. My dad's favourite line - he had a terrible temper and couldn't really cope with four children born in 5 years - was 'well you can go and live somewhere else'. From when we were pretty small.

Agree with those who say that he needs to sit down with ds when he's calm, apologise, make clear he only said it because he was angry and it will never, ever happen.

Ponders · 31/10/2012 22:22

fair enough to make a stand against what he said to your DS, earwig, & I can understand completely how you feel about his dad coming out in him

how does he feel about his dad?

Original poster
earwig1 · 31/10/2012 22:31

Oh, these things are not simple are they...of course, his feeling towards his dad are ambivalent and there is a lot of resentment there... but he behaves like the Father he knows when he gets stressed.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 31/10/2012 22:38

I actually remember this being said both seriously and in jest in lots of families when I was growing up in the 1970/80s.

Not in ours. And we were bloody dysfunctional! But in plenty of others.

We had our own special nonsense.

But it is part of some families' 'scripts'. I think it's fair to tell your DP that it's a script that has definitely had its day, and to cut it out.

ProcrastinatingPanda · 31/10/2012 22:42

When I was young we'd always be threatened with being sent to a home. Even to the point where my mum would have us sitting on the stairs in our jackets and she'd have someone else chap the front door from the outside to make it look like the person from the home was here to take us away, whilst we'd be crying our eyes out. I don't think yabu to be angry about it, your DP really needs to stop saying it before your DS starts to understand what he means.

CaliforniaLeaving · 01/11/2012 05:49

We used to get told we were going to be sent to boarding school. Little did I know I might have liked it, with all the extracurricular activities and a good education Grin
Dh told Ds1 that the old peoples center was the naughty boys home, then we drove past one day and it was all decked out for Christmas, so Ds told Dh it looked nice could we stop and take a look. Dh never tried that again.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 01/11/2012 05:57

I'd always be told I would be sold to gipsies Hmm

MrRected · 01/11/2012 06:00

You are being very precious OP. Your darling child probably didn't even hear what your DH said.

FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat · 01/11/2012 06:10

Not precious at all IMO.