My husband lost his temper with our son (5) and said...

[earwig1]

"Do you want me to send you away to a home?" after our son threw a tantrum. It's not the first time he says that, and I have warned him before never to say that again. I'm sure he was told that as a child and he can't remember, but it comes out unconsciously sometimes. Most of the time he is a good father, and the children love him very much. How angry would you be?

What was the DH supposed to say?

Please littlejohhnyscreaminglikeabanshee ... please stop throwing a wobbler. Please, if I ask nicely and treat you as the adult, then you might respect me (or NOT?)...

This world is going totally mad. I promise you. He is not going to be ruined or forever psychologically scarred. Are we, as parents not able to ever let our guard down and say something in error? Are our children really being brought up to expect perfection from their parents? If the child had been neglected, spanked, sworn and shouted at, then yes, this is totally unacceptable and deserved of anger.

Making an off the cuff remark out of sheer frustration is hardly the crime of the century... considering the screaming child probably didnt even notice.

He should not say "Do you want me to send you away to a home?"

Why are people saying you are being precious?

I would be very angry if DH said that to my DC.

What on earth does your DH think he is achieving by asking such a question? Can you ask him that? It may unpack a whole big ancient can of worms from his past but he really does need to talk to you about all of it.

The sofa is the right place for now.

I remember when I was little, it was quite common to be threatened with being "sold to the gypsies" if we were naughty.

Gosh, how times have changed...

Maybe your DH was just repeating something he heard as a child? He shouldn't have said it, though.

Mr, there are many options in between begging a child to behave and threatening to send it away.

My father used to say this to my DB. It was just one of many ways that he, a grown man, would intimidate a child. It did slip out in anger, but then he was angry an awful lot of the time and had every opportunity, as an adult, to recognise the error of his ways and get a handle on it. My father also had a difficult, possibly abusive, childhood and everyone was very sympathetic - but in hindsight my sympathy wanes because I can see now that he just continued the abuse.

He ruined my childhood and gave me issues that I'm only just beginning to admit. My brother is much the same. My mother is even worse off.

OP I'm sure your DP isn't like my father, but just bear in mind that eventually your son will look to you to explain why daddy is making him feel sad. If you have any doubts/concerns at all, please encourage your DP to get help. Don't allow it to continue for 20 years like my mother did.

I think it was an awful thing to say, but I'm not sure that sending your DH to sleep on the sofa is the most adult way of resolving your parental differences! Maybe you two should try talking to each other?

earwig1,

I take it as read that his Dad (whom you dislike in particular and your H feels ambivalent about) used to say the same sorts of things to him as a child. It hurts and the cycle continues.

Your H seems very affected by his Dad; not surprising really as we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What lessons was he taught when he was growing up?. What's his mother like, is she still around?.

You state he is a good father (no he was not a good father when he said such crap to your son), how do you feel about him as a husband though?. You do not likely say such things to your children under stress and actually stress does not come into it. He is doing this because that is one of the lessons he learnt in childhood and acts like this too because he can.

I was often told as a child that 'this is not your home, it's ours'. To be told things like that, when you're 6 years old, or even 14 years old, with absolutely no way of moving out on your own, is absolutely horrible. As a child, you feel totally stuck. Believe me, I went through all the options (didn't have childline when I was little, or at least I didn't know about it, and even if I did, the telephone was on top of the television in the middle of the sitting room) so I literally had no way out.

I would never in a million years say something like to my child, and I think you need to pull your dh up on it. In front of your child if necessary.

My mum always threatened to go to Woolworths and buy a Big Leather Belt. It must said that my mum is the kindest, gentlest person in the world who not once raised her hand to me ever. Different times ...

My parents used to pull up outside big scary old houses an say ' Right, here we are at Babies Castle, you'll have to stay here because you've been naughty; there will be no toys and you'll have to get up at 6 am and scrub floors'.

Once when we were on holiday we happened to have my suitcase in boot of car and my dad even got out to get it. Another house had a woman standing on the doorstep and they said mrs so and so's there waiting for you.

No long term damage here

I used to tell my dd I would enroll her for Behaviour Lessons on a Saturday if she didn't stop tantrum-ing. Put the fear of God in her - losing her Saturday!

In all seriousness, I'd tell your h that is a twatty thing to say and make sure he doesn't say it again. There are a million and one other strategies other than one that could undermine your five year old's feelings of safety and security.

So some kids are affected and some aren't. Surely that's reason enough to never say something like that?

Can't believe how many of you are saying this is okay.

Not only is it ruling by fear, its telling a child that you only love them and want them when they are behaving in a way you want them to. How horrible is that?

I have a mental health condition, which has fear of abandonment and rejection as one of its major components. I was told this as a child, and it got to the point that at eight years old I fell over, breaking a bowl. I went upstairs to pack my bag because I "knew" my parents wouldn't want me if I had been "bad". Speaking to other people with my diagnosis, they were told similar things. And look at us now.

Don't trivialize the damage that comments like this do to children.

Your dh needs to learn how to communicate even when he's angry. Or especially when he is angry. He is attempting to bully a 5 year old out of a tantrum! That is not going to happen. Ever. So he needs to learn a new way to cope.

How will he be there for your son when he has problems aged 8 or 12 or 15. How will he show that he is able to help his son overcome all the various difficulties he will meet in life. Children need to feel safe, they need to know that the adult is in charge and can be relied upon.

Your dh should probably sign up for a parenting course.

I also wonder if there is more to this. 5 is quite old to still be having regular tantrums. Your son also needs to learn how to express his feelings more appropriately. The cycle is already continuing with him but can be easily stopped if you both make the effort to recognise it and change your own behaviour.

Sending him to the sofa was ridiculous!

How would you feel if he totally disagreed with one of your parenting techniques and instead of talking to you like an adult and resolving the situation by finding a way to move forward, he refused to let you in the bedroom and insisted you sleep on the sofa because he couldn't bare to be near you.

He did not behave in the best manner he will know this now, however, neither have you and you need to recognise that.

Oh and the poster who said you should challenge your dh in front of the child is talking utter rubbish. This will be more damaging than anything your husband can say in the heat of the moment.

Well done on OP on making it clear that this is unacceptable behaviour.

I grew up hearing the same (and more) from my parents. I have no contact with them now in adulthood (my choice). They received the same parenting from their own parents, complain bitterly about it, and yet turned around and did the same to their own children. This makes me less rather than more understanding of their behaviour, as they are perfectly aware of how hurtful such behaviour is, having gone through it themselves. And as adults responsible for their own choices, they could have chosen to act differently. They didn't.

I hope your DH doesn't make the same mistake as my parents and is able to apply some more self-awareness and change this damaging behaviour.

Notas bad as threatening to give them to a peadophile as I heard one mother threatening her daughter.

It was awful. I was in a large department store, and she kept teliing her daughter (about 9) that there was one waiting outside, and if she didn't behave she was going to take her to him. Daughter was crying and saying No mummy. I still wish I'd intervened even now

My grandmother used to say this to me as well. And I remember once having an argument with my parents and 'packing' a carrier bag and setting off down the road as I'd decided 'the home' would be better!
I was a VERY strongwilled small child

I used to get the 'MY house, not YOURS' thing. Oh, and the charming 'Go out and play with the traffic' should i question another stellar parenting decision. I wasn't traumatised, but I did (and do) think that my Dad was a prick from a surprisingly young age. Might be worth pointing that out to your DH.

orangeandlemons, that's just awful! My husband is not like that, thankfully, I would be out the door!!!
Husband has apologized to the kids and realizes why he said it, acting out a role, etc... And if it happens again I will point it out and stand up for my kids. My mum was a little mouse and I vowed not to be one... You see, we are all products of our parents' parenting style!

god I thought this was my mum's unique approach... In school holidays (she'd already sent me to boarding school at 9), she used to say i was "beyond parental control" & she was putting me in care over things like tidying bedroom. I remember vividly the time she packed a bag & drove me to "the children's home" but then stopped on the way and was wracked with guilt so bought me a walkman instead. Always her appraoch to throw cash at the problem too. It's a horrible thing to say and you're not being precious - ask him to try and remember how he felt when it was said to him. Your DS is too young to realise for now at least

My mum said something similar to me around that age, something like "You're lucky I don't send you to a children's home". She was a stressed single mother of three working full-time so I can understand how it came out. It didn't really scare me I don't think, but I have always remembered it (and she only said it once).
If your DH keeps saying something like that to your child, it will probably become a kind of "yeah right" eye roll kind of thing. An empty threat that kids know is never going to happen.

There was the big wooden spoon in our house, the threat of my dad..wait till your dad comes home etc, and were also threatened to be sent to the nuns. None of it did us any harm. But obviously it affects others so its important that we don't say these things these days because we don't know how it will affect our children.

However, making an adult sleep on the couch for this is childish and you and your Dh need to talk.

If DH had said "Do you want me to send you away to a home?" to DS.

I would've said "Do you want me to send you to a home for bad fathers?".

I doubt if your son lives in a happy family he will be pyschologically scarred.