My husband lost his temper with our son (5) and said...

[earwig1]

"Do you want me to send you away to a home?" after our son threw a tantrum. It's not the first time he says that, and I have warned him before never to say that again. I'm sure he was told that as a child and he can't remember, but it comes out unconsciously sometimes. Most of the time he is a good father, and the children love him very much. How angry would you be?

It was a '70's thing (and presumably earlier) and it's not unheard of, for those of us brought up hearing it, to say it BUT not in a really nasty way. My Dad used to say 'If you two don't bloody stop arguing I'm going to give you to the Gypseys' & 'Go & play on the motorway' - but never in a nasty way and never in a way that I believed, not even for a second, that he would - it was just a sign that he'd had enough of us being a pain in the bum. The way it was said to many of you here is just awful :(

Earwig - it sounds as though your DH said it in quite a 'real' or nasty way :( I'm glad he seems to understand that it's not on.

agree that it's unreasonable etc etc, obviously so, and good that he gets that now, but did you really make him sleep on the couch? cos that's not dissimilar thinking, imo. behave well or i will banish you.

The issue isn't really about what he said though is it, it's about how he communicates with his children and your fear he's turning into his dad.

Banishing him to the sofa was ott too, what was needed was a bit of dialogue between you discussing the problem and how you're going to resolve it.

I think it was off the cuff, and a stupid remark.
Not unreasonable to discuss how you discipline your children, damn near essential I would have thought.

What does he send you to the sofa for? I hope he remembers next time you offend him.

I guess it just came out in the moment, but I wouldn't put him on the sofa. I would expect him to apologise to your ds and say it was a silly thing to say and he would never send him away. I put my ds in his room if he gets silly, and he is learning to recognise when he is getting silly( sometimes) and I say it's not a punishment to take some time in your room by your own choice to calm down.

Your dh needs to know what to say and how to react, reading ' raising boys' might help him. I tell my ds my patience ballon above my head is about to burst... My dh is more volatile but he is working on it. We have stopped shouting- that's a hard one:)

Agree with what Lavenderhoney says, do sometimes think that the world has gone made. One off the cuff comment is not going to scare a child. When my friend's brother was little, his Mum threatened him with a children's home so he went and packed a suitcase and came down with it lol

I think its perfectly acceptable for the OP to have not wanted to have shared a bed with him after a comment like this, and if they don't have a spare room, then sofa it is.

Do think your "D"H needs to access some help to work through his own issues so that he doesn't pass them on to his children, though first he has to accept there are issues.

really? you wouldn't think the more mature response would be to sort it out? i couldn't live that way, never let the sun go down on an argument and all that...

you want dh sleep sofa cause you're in huff.god what a princess
I hope he told you to shuve it and slept in bed.
you need to look at your overreactions and how you react.dh shouldn't have said it but you're seriously over reacting

SirBoobAlot
I think its perfectly acceptable for the OP to have not wanted to have shared a bed with him after a comment like this, and if they don't have a spare room, then sofa it is.

Quite so.
And if DH decides that she's disciplining DS in an inappropriate way he can send her to the sofa too

priceless.op huffy at inappropriate comment keeps it going til bedtime
so her dh instructed sofa it is, while she stews in comfort?
and if he feels she out of line will she sleep on sofa too,will she accept this rebuke

I think that the husband was obviously in a terrible mood if he was willing to say such an unreasonable thing to a child, so not really in a place for a rational discussion. And the OP was understandably upset by it.

Better to sleep separately, both calm down and then deal with it, rather than have a blazing row.

no,op keeping it going.exerting disapproval by declining him in bed,exerting power
you know what I think don't keep it going,dont go bed in huff.it's toxic to stew
adults work things out.dh was wrong but op has excessively seized on this to rebuke. now that I do wonder about

boob you have absolutely no idea whether dh was obviously in terrible mood
but it probably suits you and think excuses op send him to sofa like chastised child
as adults,and parents they need to resolve,negotiate and mediate.not enact huffs

Oh for goodness' sake. Very precious indeed. The sofa is way OTT.

Ponders is right. The worst thing about this is making empty threats to a child. I only ever say things I can and will follow through with.

I too think that you just need to tell dh that times have moved on and it is now considered not an o.k. thing to say.
Even I admit to saying something similar in anger.
Dh often threatens to put ds's in a box to China. But as dh's company do actually do this, they think it is funny and beg to be allowed!

op wanted to sleep seperately because of this comment? Oh come on. That is Ott.

The worst thing about this is surely that it was an ineffective and frustrated response, suggesting that a different approach is needed- a united one that the dcs can't drive a coach and horses through.

I've been really interested to see all the condemnation here- as if everything that comes out of our mouths as parents must be beyond reproach.
Of course it is undesirable to get annoyed and lose temper when a child is tantrumming but sometimes children can test the patience of a saint and something silly, ill tempered, absurd or just plain wrong will pop out, often something remembered from childhood. I can't believe this is a sleeping on the couch crime, unless it's more than a one off and there are other issues.

When my dd is having a 'moment' I tell her I am going to eat her in a pie.

jabberwooky
When my dd is having a 'moment' I tell her I am going to eat her in a pie.

Threatening cannibalism. How very dare you. I shall report you to SS immediately

My parents used to do that to my brother, the whole pretending to phone up the 'bad boys home' to take him away thing. He used to get hysterical; absolutely terrified of being sent away.

He still lives with them at the age of 30. Serves them right!

i knew a woman who used to tell her 3 year old that she would cut his willy off when he was playing with it....all of us say crap things sometimes....

If he has said it more than once, and if he knows he shouldn't, then he needs to recognise when something like this is on the tip of his tongue and take control of himself. He needs to count slowly from one to ten, bite his tongue, and walk away into the garden or around the block or wherever. Losing control of yourself in front of a child is not a good thing. There are ways and means and he needs to practice.

My mum used to threaten to send us to boarding school until she saw the bright, hopeful gleam in our eyes one day...

haha mathanxiety that's one of the reasons why I could never threaten wild little dd with the gypsies!

I'm sure he will survive

or you could turn up at his halls with some ready cooked food and some wet wipes