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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband lost his temper with our son (5) and said...

86 replies

earwig1 · 31/10/2012 21:50

"Do you want me to send you away to a home?" after our son threw a tantrum. It's not the first time he says that, and I have warned him before never to say that again. I'm sure he was told that as a child and he can't remember, but it comes out unconsciously sometimes. Most of the time he is a good father, and the children love him very much. How angry would you be?

OP posts:

NellyJob · 01/11/2012 18:57

oops sorry wrong thread

Jux · 01/11/2012 19:36

If it slips out, can you come up with a strategy to ameliorate it? Like, "Yes, to Auntie Vera's home" who is a loved aunt, or something?

Mumsyblouse · 01/11/2012 20:14

Sometimes when you are really angry, something slips out, I have shouted 'I'm going to smack you in a minute' even though I don't smack! Now of course, my children might be deeply traumatised by this or just a bit upset and remember these things years later, but I think it's hard not to say anything remotely nasty a few times in a child's entire life and I just hope they grow up and realise that it was 99% nice things and 1% silly threats which I didn't mean.

I think it's different if you have a very sensitive child, some children may really be upset by particular remarks or criticisms, and it's also different if these idle threats are set amongst a background of nastiness, aggression or abuse. But I don't get that impression here.

Happylander · 01/11/2012 20:33

My mum used to make fake phone calls to social services and tell us they were coming to collect us. Think it was very common in the 70's. I do have issues though and always think people are going to cast me aside and don't really want me. I did not think about the connection until now and I have always laughed about it.

Mind you my mum had 3 kids, an alcoholic adulteress husband and was working 3 jobs so I think I can let her off I expect at times she probably did want me to go to a home as I was a right cow!

Scarynuff · 02/11/2012 08:38

The important thing is that you do talk about this with your dh when he is calm. Not in a complaining manner but just in a 'how are we going to deal with these tantrums' sort of way. So that you both have the same plan and react the same way to your ds. How are you feeling about it now?

Quite often, when it's all blown over, we don't want to revisit the problem because it can escalate into another argument. So we ignore it and carry on as normal. The problem with that is that it will happen again. It is not yet resolved, so it's important to talk to him about it and come up with some strategies that you both agree to use. Consistency will pay off in the end.

Headiteddie · 02/11/2012 08:46

I'm glad he has apologised and hope he doesnt say it again. Also pleased that you are on his case if he does as it would only lead to fear and insecurity in your children. I was marched to a post box by my mother as a small child. We were going to post a letter asking for me to be taken away because I had apparently been naughty. I remember it to this day (more than 40 years on) and that one incident was the defining moment of my relationship with her.

Please do all you can to stop him repeating it

A1980 · 02/11/2012 10:51

When my brother and I fought as children my mother would threaten to kill the pair of us if we didn't stop it or alternatively knock our heads together. she never did either nor did I feel emotionally scarred by it.

I can't believe the big deal made out of a nothing comment.

PlaySchool · 02/11/2012 10:58

Mind you my mum had 3 kids, an alcoholic adulteress husband and was working 3 jobs so I think I can let her off I expect at times she probably did want me to go to a home as I was a right cow!

I don't think it is the threats that matter so much, but the overall way we treat our children.

Voiceofthevoiceless · 02/11/2012 13:34

In answer to the OP's question of "How angry would you be?" The answer is 0% angry, your DH has done nothing wrong!
I heard many a parent say this to children when growing up, just as some would say the police will come and take you away if you don't behave etc.
I agree with MrRected, you need to stop being so precious!

Voiceofthevoiceless · 02/11/2012 13:36

"Headiteddie
I'm glad he has apologised and hope he doesnt say it again. Also pleased that you are on his case if he does as it would only lead to fear and insecurity in your children. I was marched to a post box by my mother as a small child. We were going to post a letter asking for me to be taken away because I had apparently been naughty. I remember it to this day (more than 40 years on) and that one incident was the defining moment of my relationship with her.*

This is completely different to simply saying we'll send you to a home!
Your mother went to the trouble of writing a letter and physically taking you to post it!

ClippedPhoenix · 02/11/2012 15:27

First time my DS had a cold and both his nostrils were blocked, he told me to ring an ambulance because he couldn't breathe. I told him no and explained why, he told me he was going to ring childline to tell them to take him away

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