Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not good looking

32 replies

ItCouldBeSweet · 31/10/2012 15:48

Can a relationship work when you don't find your partner particularly good looking? He has a gorg bod, the chemistry and sex is fab and I love him to bits but never know what to say when he tells me I'm gorg. Is it doomed or is it possible to see past looks once the initially headyness is over?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2012 15:54

Who's to say who and what is good looking? It's really subjective. Why are you with him - what attracted you? He must be good looking on some level otherwise you wouldn't be with him. If it's that you think other people might not think he's good looking and therefore feel that it's a slight on you, well that's another matter.

There are always people who find somebody good looking who other people do not. Your husband thinks you're gorgeous - that's a good starting point - just remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

OhEmGee25 · 31/10/2012 15:54

Hmm I really think physical attraction is key. Do you mean you don't find him facially attractive? Does he have a nice smile?

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2012 15:56

I don't understand the problem and I don't understand what you mean by 'seeing past looks'. If you're physically attracted to him and you love him that's about as good as it gets. Does his ugliness bother you? Are you embarrassed to be seen out with him or something? Do dogs yelp and run off? Do bank tellers ask him to remove the hallowe'en mask?

Tip... most people get uglier/fatter/greyer as they get older but, if you really do love someone rather than regard them as arm-candy, it shouldn't make any difference.

LFCisTarkaDahl · 31/10/2012 15:56

My dh is not good looking but I find him incredibly attractive, sexy and desirable.

Bald, sticky out ears, giant nose is only one way to look at him if you don't want to shag him.

I do want to shag him so I see the brilliant blue eyes, fit muscley body, hairy sexy chest and er...... good penis.

And dont forget that is just looks - even when his ass sags and his eyes dim with glaucoma he will still be a great laugh, great dad and a great guy who puts my needs first.

LizLem0n · 31/10/2012 15:58

is he good company? do you enjoy looking at him as he's smiling, talking to you?

if you're not attracted to him though....

CleopatrasAsp · 31/10/2012 16:04

If you want to have sex with him then what's the problem? Confused You must find him attractive on some level!

dequoisagitil · 31/10/2012 16:17

Why don't you say he has a great body, and the chemistry & sex is terrific, if you want to return his compliments?

If you like him and his ugly mug(?) doesn't turn you off - you like kissing him? Then there's no problem.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 31/10/2012 16:35

My Ex (DD's dad) is gorgeous looking, as in male model good looking. I was very attracted to him at first.

4 years later I couldn't stand him touching me although he is still very handsome.

DP is not 'classically' handsome but I was attracted to him. Everything about him I still love 5 years later.

He can jump my bones anytime Grin

Dahlen · 31/10/2012 16:53

It depends on what you mean by 'not good looking' and whether this is love or lust.

It is possible to feel embarrassed by a partner's looks without being a shallow fuckwit. No one can help what they are born with, but they can do a lot about presentation. If you have a partner who has scraggly, unbrushed and unwashed hair who insists on wearing stained and crumpled clothes, for example, I think it's perfectly legitimate to be embarrassed by their appearance and it implies IMO a certain lack of consideration for your feelings. In the bedroom it may not matter, but it sure as hell does when going to a work's do. However, being embarrassed by someone because they've got the 'wrong' colour hair or a big nose is beyond shallow.

If you're still in the headiness phase, then you just have to keep yourself from making false promises/declarations until you know whether this is the real deal or not. It's not compulsory to say anything other than 'thank you', but if you really want to stick to the truth while also complimenting him, why not comment on his "gorg body" as you put it or even just tell him how fabulous he is in bed?

Dahlen · 31/10/2012 16:55

Also, research has shown that while attraction (or lack of) happens immediately on meeting someone, the level of that attraction increases or decreases depending on how we feel about someone - hence TakeMyEyes experience and explaining why most people in LTRs still want to shag their ageing/balding/increasingly large partners. Wink

DaveMccave · 31/10/2012 16:57

My dp is a lot older than me, grey, jowels, belly. I still really fancy him though. I'll admit, it's crossed my mind that I might go off him the older he gets but they have just been fleeting thoughts I have dismissed. I fancy his personality, which is less likely to change than good looks... so I count myself lucky. I'd definitely not trade any of his personality for looks.

JustFabulous · 31/10/2012 19:30

In whose mind is he not good looking?

I am not sure you really love him if you don't think he is attractive tbh.

LizLem0n · 31/10/2012 19:34

Takemyhands, so true, so true..... similar story here. My children's father very handsome in a conventional way, not a male model though!! and that clouded my judgement to begin with, made me overlook his character flaws. But a few years down the line I felt revolted by him.

MrsEricBana · 31/10/2012 19:37

Aww, poor dp. It has been said of my dp that "He's no Brad Pitt is he" (by a drunken friend who is now mortified about the whole BradPittgate incident!) but it is a fair point. However, he does have a lovely smile, twinkly eyes, gorgeous voice, he's tall and manly and I think he's lovely even though objectively he may not be. Same could be said of me but hopefully he loves me!
I do think it is hard to see your partner objectively once you've been together a while so if you really love him I'm sure it won't matter, but as others have said, do you really love him? Flip side here is I had a hugely good looking bf when I was younger who was, erm, not right for me, and by the end I couldn't see that he was good looking at all as he just didn't have that certain something.

LaQueen · 31/10/2012 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kundry · 31/10/2012 19:53

When I first met my now DH, I really didn't think he was good looking. Loved him, chemistry was amazing but I just didn't physically fancy him. I was really worried about this.

However: when I showed my friends pictures of him, most of them thought he was good looking and were puzzled why I'd gone on and on about him not being.

And the longer we were together, the more I did fancy him and now, yes I do think he is rather good looking (depressingly more than me).

So I think these impressions can change depending on how the relationship is working out - thankfully in my case for the better!

ProbablyDoingTheWrongThing · 31/10/2012 19:57

Dp looks like gollum on a bad day........but he keeps me warm at night and is hung like a donkey so I can see past that Wink

MolotovBomb · 31/10/2012 20:00

I don't know what your problem is. You say he has a gorgeous body and is good in the sack. What's his personality like?

More to life than looks, mate. Wouldn't it be awful if he was having these thoughts about you?

LapsedPacifist · 31/10/2012 21:31

Errm do you actually like him? Do you find him interesting, amusing, charming? Do you have the same interests, tastes or hobbies? Is he a good kind person?

Why all the fixation on his "gorge bod"? V. nice if you can get it, but hardly (surely) the only thing that matters?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 01/11/2012 00:14

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11780938

Not everyone's shallow. Including the beautiful young woman whose picture you can see in this article. It's what you think, not the wider world, that matters.

I've had some good looking boyfriends who were complete twats.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 01/11/2012 07:12

When I met my boyfriend I didn't think he was good looking. But we got on really well, I felt comfortable with him, I enjoyed spending time with him. I was going to stop seeing him after a few dates as I didn't think I fancied him. But then I realised I did actually fancy him, I just thought I didn't because he wasn't my usual type. Still if I look at him objectively I can not think he is good looking but its about so much more than that and I always find him attractive.

There is a massive difference between good looks and attractiveness imo

Dualta · 02/11/2012 16:57

Maybe this niggling doubt is telling you something more though. If his face/looks are such a problem perhaps its because on some level you reject him. It is hard to go out with someone whom you really like but find you are not physically attracted to.

I would say that when the going gets tough, kindness and thoughtfulness and putting your needs first (as an earlier poster put so well) will become more important than looks.

(Current partner can be awfully selfish despite being v good looking, and right now I couldn't give a toss about his looks)

B1ueberryJam · 03/11/2012 10:15

I agree. I think that unless he has some really out of proportion feature, then it is because you're not enjoying his company that much, or that you don't think he is right for you in some way.

If a man is good humoured,funny, clever, generous, good company, thoughtful, attentive............. well you wouldn't notice that he is not quite as conventionally handsome as some other men.

NewNames · 03/11/2012 10:19

When he compliments you, compliment him back. "You're gorgeous too." Is it really so hard

GhostShip · 03/11/2012 10:20

There's something going on here thats making you doubt this. My DP isn't classicaly good looking but I think he's gorgeous because I love him more than anything!

If it's niggling you that much, you must have some doubts

Swipe left for the next trending thread