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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very first breakup - advice very much needed

33 replies

Melanthe · 30/10/2012 04:53

Having the breakup talk in about an hour with a guy I've been seeing for around three months. I've been crying all day about it so I don't think I want to, but then I don't want him if he doesn't want me.

Any advice to retain my dignity? Any hope of this going well?

OP posts:

OhEmGee25 · 30/10/2012 05:42

Sorry it hasn't worked out but its only been three months so not exactly an arduous breakup. Were you even officially bf/gf? Move on and go have some fun!

MrsHoarder · 30/10/2012 05:43

if advice getting it over with civilly if at all possible then takea be and chocolate to bed for a bit. The before bit is sometimes harder.

Wilding · 30/10/2012 06:19

Aah Melathe, sorry you're going through this. No, 3 months isn't an age in the grand scheme of things but it can still be incredibly painful! I imagine you're having that conversation now, hope it's going OK.

Like MrsHoarder says, be kind to yourself. Let yourself cry for a bit, eat some ice-cream, get a friend to come over with some silly films and a bottle of wine.

Original poster

Melanthe · 30/10/2012 06:59

Thank you. It is hard; it was fun and I enjoyed his company so much ... but he didnt feel it could go long term, even though I did. And now I have to see him every day until one of gets a new job.

But you're right, I'm young and single I should enjoy it [typed while I work my way through a box of tissues]

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Numberlock · 30/10/2012 07:04

Well done for making the right decision. At last he was honest with you about wanting different things so better now than another few months down the line.

Original poster

Melanthe · 01/11/2012 02:42

I want him back so badly ... I sent him a long (non-aggressive) email explaining why I was disappointed and upset with no response ... Would it be so bad to text him that I still want him ... I have to look at him every day and its killing me especially as he seems normal, besides avoiding eye contact with me

OP posts:

FiercePanda · 01/11/2012 02:46

Please do your dignity a favour and don't contact him. He's made it clear he doesn't see your fling going anywhere long-term, so ending it was the right decision. It was only a few weeks, surely new jobs etc is a bit of an overreaction? Put him down to experience, delete his details from your phone and email, and try to focus on your future.

Strawhatpirate · 01/11/2012 03:24

1 delete his number
2 delete all emails,txts,pictures of or from him
3 try and keep your phone turned off or at least try and distract yourself as much as possible. So you're not constantly checking if he's been in contact
4 stay away from any means of contacting him while drunk
5 most importantly indulge yourself shamelessly!

It will get better I promise just give it time

Original poster

Melanthe · 01/11/2012 04:20

Fuck you talk sense he was just so right and he ended it after three weeks away with minimal contact so I'm pissed he didn't try. (Sorry we work closely together atm)

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bigwombat · 01/11/2012 05:09

You need to develop the attitude that you're well rid, his loss! Get angry and feel that you're better without him - you'll move on in no time!

WhoNickedMyName · 01/11/2012 09:32

Take it as a lesson learned - don't dip your pen in the company ink, or however that saying goes

But seriously, I think you're giving this 'relationship' far more significance than you should. It was three months and from what I can gather he was out of contact for three weeks of that. If he truly was 'so right' then it'd be working out right now.

Don't contact him again.

Original poster

Melanthe · 01/11/2012 09:51

You guys are so right and I won't. He was just filling in a lonely gap in my life and really there was nothing deeper. Now of course, I'm tempted to suggest something causal in maybe a weeks time if I still feel that way .... no need to tell me thats a bad idea.

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shinyblackgrape · 01/11/2012 10:02

Noooooo - don't! It will prolong the agony and end hellishly when he tells yiu he's met someone he really likes and wants to have a relationship.

Or, worse for your self confidence, he'll just turn you down flat and say he's not interested in anything casual. Although, this would be doing you a favour and better in the long run.

BurntPasta · 01/11/2012 10:31

3 months doesn't sound like a lot but you can build up a LOT of feeling and emotion for someone in 3 months. I know, because I have done just that.

My boyfriend and I met at the end of July - so we've been together just over 3 months and it would hurt so much if we broke up now. I feel like I know him inside out and I lurve him - but my brain tells me it's majority lust - you just can't know someone that well after 3 months.

But yeah, I know how you feel - 3 months IS a long time to lend your heart to someone else. Hope you're ok x

OhEmGee25 · 01/11/2012 11:22

3 months you barely know the guy, and being he was away 3 weeks it's basically 2 months. Had you even had the discussion whether you were an official couple?

FiercePanda · 01/11/2012 11:30

Please don't suggest anything casual/offer yourself to him on a plate, it will do your dignity and self-respect no favours. As much as it hurts, he's just not keen on having a relationship with you, that's his choice and you've got to respect it. Texting him asking for another try or a casual shag would be a very bad idea, and since you work in the same place it would end up being office gossip in no time at all. Please just delete all his details, block his number if you can and concentrate on your own happiness for a while.

Original poster

Melanthe · 02/11/2012 08:17

No, not an official couple but I was working towards it .Today he wasn't at work and it was sooo much better, I just got on with it and chatted and laughed as normal, barely thought of him ... however Monday he will be back and I'm afraid of it starting all over again. I don't want him back but I dont want to feel sad and awkward for 40 odd hours a week either. What is the consensus of suggesting a coffee this weekend, not talking about the breakup, but trying to clear the air?

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Original poster

Melanthe · 02/11/2012 08:21

Btw we pretty much sit directly across from each other

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HalloweenyHerrena · 02/11/2012 08:31

Do not initiate any non-work-related social contact. He will be embarrassed and more importantly, you will cringe later on whenever you think about it.

Calm, detached, aloof but civil. where possible. Sorry you're experiencing this, it sounds rubbish. Does get better though I promise.

ajandjjmum · 02/11/2012 08:40

Carry on chatting and laughing at work with other people, even when he is there. Imagine yourself the greatest actor in the world, and you're playing a part - which is to show this guy just what he's missing. Not once single glance in his direction, other than in a totally pleasant and yet professional way.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Original poster

Melanthe · 02/11/2012 08:40

Urgh but I have to stare at him very day, all day, hear him laugh and talk and wonder what he is thinking. I don't want to be friends even, just feel like I can bump into him in the hall without ignoring him, or him me.

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Wilding · 02/11/2012 08:55

It's crap, I know, but give it time. It's much harder to get over people when you see them all the time but it will happen eventually. In the meantime just keep your chin up and your head down (if that even makes sense?)

MrsHoarder · 02/11/2012 09:00

It is crap. Do you have any annual leave so you can plan yourself a little break soon? Might be easier if you know that in 3 weeks you'll be somewhere sunny/remote/at your mum's or whatever.

WhoNickedMyName · 02/11/2012 09:24

A coffee to 'clear the air'...

Honestly, I think you're looking for any excuse to get in touch with him .

Please have some dignity for Gods sake. He, and your other colleagues, will sense your desperation and soon it will become the office joke.

Do not initiate any non work related contact with him.

Original poster

Melanthe · 02/11/2012 09:29

God your right, I'm being pathetic

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