Onwards and upwards we go, still sniggering at the sausage seeing the roll Dating thread 26

[lubeybooby]

New one!

All dating related gumph here.

All seven letters down = your wildest dreams, bitch boy.

Damn that perpetual 'Q' with no subsequent 'U'

Qiviuts, Qat, Qi, Niqab, Tranq. Off the top of my head.

I wouldn't even have to take my socks off

Just saying. :)

Ok guys, those of you who are really shy in RL but put on an act...how do you do it??? I can be painfully shy, to the point where I go quiet and can't get any words out. Just arranging a coffee date with a lovely guy and don't want to mess it up by going silent. Obviously I want to be myself but need some help to overcome the shyness.

"And I haven't had any in ages"

you referring to the wine or the "sleepover"??

LOL Snape!

I used to be shy. Not painfully, but always reluctant to talk to other people in social functions, I always used to stick with my mates. Then I started thinking what it was like for other people. How would they feel sat across from someone who'd rather stare at the tablecloth than make conversation.

I went to a friends wedding a few years back and all my mates went outside to get stoned, and I was there with my pint clinging to the edges of the room, looking at all these other people having fun on the dancefloor and chatting, and I got a bit jealous.

Then I saw a dozen other people dotted round the edge of the room, holding a glass of wine, by themselves, obviously wishing someone would come and talk to them, but too awkward to just walk up to someone and start a conversation. And I realised - what have I got to lose? Really. If I bore them, then I wouldn't have been mates with them anyway. If they bore me, I politely finish the conversation and move on. And if we get on, then cool.

And the worst that happens is that they don't like me. They already didn't like me because they'd never met me. So no change in the grand scheme of things. And if they don't like me, sod 'em.

Now it's difficult to get me to shut up. I realised that I can make myself believe I'm as interesting, or more interesting, than other people. And I love listening to them. Just ask questions, everyone loves talking about themselves. Or have a fall back story to tell. If theres chemistry and you feel comfortable with each other, then the words will just fall out of you

tranq!!!.

TRANQ!!!!

I hate you.

tess. It's all an act... I had sublime dating and otherwise moments where I would place my thumb in the palm of my hand and pinch my fingernail in...so my body recognises that action and I can conjour up those happy endorphin fuelled feelings when I make my body do that action, when I need to be in my happy-place. Otherwise I retreat to the toilets and tell myself I am fuck-awesome. :-)

Tess, telling people you're shy sometimes helps. They (should) understand the silences more, & that takes the pressure off.

It's weird what makes a difference to a meet-up. I had coffee with a friend today, who remarked that I seemed edgy & nervous. I was - but it was because I had my back to the café door. Once we'd moved seats, I relaxed. If it had been a proper date, i know that I'd have blown it.

bantam. That is fabulous advice. There is nothing to lose at all by just chatting to people, so what if they don't engage, that is absolutely them and not you. People love talking about themselves, ask questions, eye contact, engage, be interested in others. You'll be fine. :)

Tess - don't say you're shy in your profile though, wait until an email from someone when you're discussing dating. I've seen a lot of profiles saying 'I'm shy at first..' and personally I look for someone confident, so I might not get in touch (none of us want to mail someone who might be too shy to reply) but if I got chatting to someone online, via email, and they were sweet and funny, then them saying they were a bit shy in person would make me think they were even more lovely.

Taghain - do you work for the CIA in real life or something?

Snape - why?

ah bantam, I wondered if you were Nicholas teakosy you see..
sponge. yep my instincts making me wary of him. i know he is a teally good person but i think hes just a player too.. at our age I would have expected him to calm down or settle a little. but he hasn't at 35 still.
yoga.. I know it's hard.. I know what I need to do but I so like to hear from him but its bad for me. I googled how to block an email address in hotmail today so when I'm home I'll sort it (on hold with ds's at mo)

And if you've chatted to them beforehand, at least you know a little about a date's interests: which books, films, places, holidays, etc they like or don't. You could even treat it like an interview, have your own little mental list of things to talk about ready prepared. It sounds calculated, but it'sa way of keeing the conversation flowing.

I asked if she was driving, as she's an hour away by road, and what did she want to do for food. She said she may get a B&B if she fancied drinking, and I said I have a sofa bed.

Mr. Bantam, who are you trying to kid ?

Thanks for your replies, some great advice as usual! I never had a problem with shyness in my younger days, at the grand old age of 38 I feel ridculous being shy. I hate it. I'm fine with people I know, it's just when it's one on one with men lol not helpful with dating. I don't have 'shy' on my profile, thought it would be off putting.

Bant - shhh

Tess I usually tell them that I'm likely to be nervous when we first meet. Then if I'm a bit tongue-tied we can usually have a laugh about it and it helps to break the ice.

(what's the fun if you don't even take your socks off?)

I don't put it in my profile though, I would wait until a date is actually arranged

This thread moves on so fast, I must make more loo trips at work during the day to check up on what's happening! Good advice Bantam, it's hard work talking to people when you're feeling shy but it's never normally as bad as you fear it will be.

I have a second date arranged this Sat eve (let's call him car boy) and I don't want to go on it anymore. I feel really bad as he's a nice guy but as I'm probably going to get dumped by fwb on Sat morning I don't think I'll be in the mood for an evening out. I really need to move on from fwb but while there is even a smidgen of a chance with him I'm finding it hard to think about anyone else.

How do I get out of it without being mean and hurting his feelings? Or should I just postpone and see if I feel differently in a week or so?

p.s. Bantam - have messaged you on match (not for a date, you are busy enough already!!). I have finally made the changes to my profile.

oh weird. I took the kids trick or treating earlier, along the streets near their mums house, and at one of the houses with the pumpkins outside we did the usual knock, witches cackle (although my youngest was dressed as a ladybird but she decided she's a ladybird witch) and the woman who answered the door gave me a really strange look. Inquisitive.

Then she just viewed my profile on Match, and she lives 4 doors away from my ex. Oh I'm so not going to go there.

Pixie - were you actually looking forward to the date with CarBoy? Did you think it might go anywhere?

If so then reschedule for another time - say you want to see him but something has come up and you can't. If he's gracious and wants to see you he'll roll with it as long as you give him notice.

If not, and you just think you're not in the right place now, then be honest, or semi-honest, say you realised you're not over an ex and while he's lovely it's not the best time for you right now. It's a bit of a fib but it'll leave him feeling he didn't do anything wrong and it's just not in the stars. That even leaves you the chance to try again in the future, although that's unlikely to happen.

Bantam, that's my worst nightmare, seeing someone in real life that I've seen online!

Tess, I'm also naturally quite shy, but have a job working with people, so have learned to be chatty and confident when meeting people. On dates, I've just switched into 'work mode' and talked about the other person to warm them up. And do ask them about themselves- it's good advice, and always works. Like Tag says, it helps to have a few questions on stand by, like why they chose the job they do, or what they like about it. The best advice I was given once was never to be afraid of asking the next question, you know, the one that pops into your mind, but you're not sure if you should actually say it?

But what do I know? I get plenty of views of my profile on OKC and POF, but relatively few messages, and haven't had a date in months. That's probably not helped by the fact that I've not replied to the few messages I've had! Is there a secret in turning views into messages?

Where's Sponge, by the way? Is she back from her date with Rupert?

bantam.why is it good advice? Just is.

Good grief NO.to 4 doors away.from.ex!

Sorry. On phone. Random full stops.

bantam I'm with the nurse too,just sounds good to me.

I suspect that when I said I'm not his type of girl that he just didn't see beyond single, you know? I think from what I've heard so far from him and the other volunteers that he just doesn't want to be alone... Not my cup of tea or coffee or gin or well ,owt.

I'd like to not sleep alone now and again but I'd prefer it if they were there because of some raging horn or some other redeeming factor and not just a bit of "oh fuck, it's cold here"

V quick from me. On date. He is lovely :) I am somewhat pissed!

Just had tomorrow's dinner date cancelled - can't argue with the reason but feel a bit meh. It's too long since I've seen him. Need cheering up drastically.

Er excuse me. I said Nurse was preferred choice waaay upthread. So ner.
Ok, delusion that I have any say in the matter firmly over, is anyone else dying to know how Sponge is getting on?