Onwards and upwards we go, still sniggering at the sausage seeing the roll Dating thread 26

[lubeybooby]

New one!

All dating related gumph here.

Secretservice, in reality you don't want to compete with a 'more mature' man who wants a 20 something as he would be a deluded twunt.

Twunt - there's another good word I've learned on here. Always an education if nothing else! [hgrin]

Oh, no I don't want to compete with the 20-somethings! It's the women my age that all look so damned make-over attractive that makes me think I'm wasting my time! It's not so much self-esteem issues, just knowim not photogenic, and have always had to rely on my dazzling wit and personality :)

Which, as I'm sure I've just proved, doesn't always translate well on screen!

Does anyone know when the free trials are on Match? Match affinity has got me absolutely nowhere and yes, they usually set a limit for a much younger woman Maybe I should try POF again although all I got on there were pervs of one shade or other. I think there might be a bigger pond to choose from on Match and POF if you are looking for a bit younger. Will dive back in though

Secret, the one thing I hear is that many of the profiles of women are actually taken years ago. There is also photoshop which seems to be used to 'enhance' somewhat. My current profile pic is a holiday snap --as I've put on weight and wanted to be realistic- but in the past I have taken up to 50 pics to find a decent one.

I took a look at Match Affinity and it was meh. Some of the dating sites say they have a secret formula which will find you the perfect match - but none of them can back it up. Having been on a dozen or so dates in the last few months it's strange but whether someone likes the same films as me or classes themselves as 48% introvert, 24 % caring, 71% sexually adventurous (or whatever) - makes no difference to whether there is chemistry.

Those things are what you find out on date 3, 5 or 10. I'm just, being shallow, going for someone who looks nice and sounds funny and intelligent. And because Match Affinity pairs me up with a score for how similar they are but hides the photo I don't even bother because I don't want to feel like a cad because I show interest in someone who then shows me their picture and I lose interest.

I'd rather see what someone looks like first, same way I would in real life, then think - interesting - and chat and find out the other stuff. Just a bit. I've never been attracted to a CV. I wouldn't expect to go to a friends party, go up to someone with a paper bag over their head and say 'how extroverted are you?' - that's something you pick up later on.

So I don't believe in the eharmony, matchaffinity type sites. Or at least no more than putting some work in on Match to find out if someones funny and sweet

I agree Bantam. I've got stuck on MatchAffinity as it auto renewed my subscription and after much argument I'm stuck with another 6 months. Eharmony was the worst, they match you and you get no choice in the matter. I don't care about relegion, hobbies etc I care more about someone's values. I do like okc for the questions as I can weed out the men with dodgy attitudes like those who think being racist is ok. Now I'm mixed race and strangely, the majority of messages I do get from men my age called bubba are those who

want children
want children with someone their own race
think they should be head of the household .

...but what do you do if there are just no decent men in a 20 miles radius????? (yoga says in a particularly whiny voice then goes off to sulk and eat M&Ms)

yoga - you were in glasgow? There must be some decent blokes. Surely.

I must say you lot are making me feel better and better about the standard of competition out there. BiggusDickus, Scared-of-Peas and the SausageMan Thanks :)

If it's any help, you lot are up against MadCatWoman, ScamGirl and UberMaintenance. And the bloody venezuelan who just winked at me. Honestly. SurreyGirl is too far away, I'm not going to hop on a plane.

That leads me onto another topic. How do you lot approach dating?

For men, it seems we have to look through the profiles of women we like and mail them. Winking obviously doesn't work as generally women don't respond to them. I started off thinking it worked like this:

I saw a profile I liked. I winked or 'liked' her, she would wink back if she liked me, I'd send an email and see if we got on.

But I found myself sending winks and being ignored. So I started mailing people from the get-go. And I can't just send a 'hiya' or 'you look hot babes' because I'm not a dick. So every email was written specifically for that person, mentioning something nice in their profile (if there's nothing in the profile, I don't bother mailing) - and generally including a compliment or comment or question on one of the photos. And I stopped emailing people with only one photo as it implies there's only one decent one, and I learned from experience to only trust the worst picture. That's what they'll look like. I've never met anyone in person yet who's better looking than their photos. Except maybe Safrican.

So - do you wink? Do you 'like' or 'favourite' people? I'm talking match.com language as that's the only site I use really. Do you send the first email?

Well, when I first started OD I looked at all the ones that lived locally and this must have shown my profile to them as a looker (!) so I got quite a few messages back and a couple of dates. I'd generally wait and see who appeared in my inbox but when I got fed up I used to have a look myself - found Lovely Man when I was really really fed up of "hey sexi" messages so searched on who had a PhD and there he was, I messaged him and here we are now ... No idea if that helps or not, but yes, I did send messages if they looked/seemed really nice.

Actually, he's the only one I messaged first that I had a date with - all my other dates were with random people who appeared in my inbox. Don't know If that's significant either. He's asked me why I picked him to message but I've not told him!

Gosh. This thread moves fast.

Secret I just want to let you know you are not alone. I have joined POF this week having not had to think about dating for a very long time and it is a different universe. People seem to be either out to have sex or just a little bit boring and the men my age look so old.

By the way, i wanted to consult (oh wise ones) on the etiquette for chatting? Had someone desperate to "chat" last night. No picture and he was called Smoothest_Operator but I thought I'd give it a go just to see what happened. My iPad wouldn't play so he was left hanging but I felt slightly badgered and his desperation was a complete turn off. Is this a normal occurrence?

Re how I communicate online, exactly that, chose by age, distance, looks (not in that order oops) then read profile, skim.. And they send a thoughtful but not yucky tailored message. Hate his sexy. Don't mind winks.

Anyone else used just single parents?

Gies I never did the messaging thing. Messages through the site and (later) texts were fine. Didn't like the pressure and pushiness with the IM thing. Smoothest Operator??? Uh oh.

Just do what you're comfortable with.

I've never met anyone in person yet who's better looking than their photos
I have, and when I met people who were less attractive than pictures suggest it was because they were out of date pictures, or I'd only seen one.
People I've met have said I am better looking than my pictures
(but they would say that )

Suspect women tend to be better at taking or choosing flattering pictures?

Gies. I've tried the messaging thing, but generally only after a couple of mails and when I can see a picture of what they look like. Otherwise you're possibly chatting to some chubby guy in his 60s with a combover who lives with his mum.

Make sure there's a bit of rapport or at least let them prove they're not weird first via email. And if you don't want to IM, don't do it. It's like being in a bar and someone keeps tugging on your elbow wanting a chat. I ignore them - saying you're on your Ipad and it doesn't work is a good enough excuse if you need to give one.

Gies, I'm glad it's not just me! It also shows how backward I am, it has never occurred to me to use my Photshop skills or use old pix!

And Bantam, you've not met me! See previous about the Russian peasant woman. I know I'm not that bad, I apparently look like my sister and she's gorgeous. :)

secret - I'm coming round to thinking it's a bit like the job hunting process. You have to do a CV and maybe a telephone interview as a step to getting to that all important first interview. You wouldn't lie on a CV but you might exaggerate your skills slightly and you might not tell the whole truth. Once you get a first interview then the exaggeration will probably be forgiven if you are suitable for the job and meet the requirements.

But don't listen to me for expert advice. I'm on my own voyage of discovery

Basically, go in with the highest standards possible and don't worry about being shallow re discounting someone because of their photo - that's your gut instinct saying "unattractive" or "dodgy" or "waste of time".
There are definitely a large percentage of undesirables on OD and the nice decent ones are in short supply.
For me, DP was ideal: Separated over a year, too busy to date, had had a few dates but was relatively new to it. Don't want to say any more as not fair to give detailed background but none of it involved promiscuity, chaotic relationships or bitter breakups. For me, they were red flags.

Bantam yes Glasgow. I've been on first dates with a number of 'decent' guys. Nice enough, not horrid looking, but just not enough spark to want to see them again. One couldn't hold a conversation, every time I paused or asked him a question it all went silent. Another, we had quite a lot to talk about (mostly music) but he had no children and all his friends were only just getting married (he was 41), so think he was quite used to his bachelor lifestyle. I think it would have been a hell of a shock to his system to see what my actual life was like with 2 kids still in primary school! The only two men I've met in the last 7 months I've wanted to see more than once both lived in Edinburgh. Talked to quite a few online who seemed like there might be a 'spark' with but all lived even further away so I refused to meet them.

As for my "approach" to OD. Tried match twice very briefly but never found anyone I even wanted to talk to so deleted my profile there. Chatted to a couple of interesting men on POF but got put off by the chancers and 'smoooooth operators' (another deleted profile). So...that's left me with OKC and Guardian Soulmates.

On GS (had a subscription for a while, still have a profile there but not subscribed anymore) - I would "like" men who looked nice and sounded funny and clever. In a few instances I even sent them a message first. Or if someone "liked" me I would have a look and possibly "like" them back and then wait to see if the wrote to me. Similar on OKC I guess, just without the "liking". I set my profile so that I can browse anonymously and then let the ones I liked know I visited.

I like first messages (whether sent or received) to be brief but obviously not generic. So, "that's a nice photo of you on the beach, where was it taken?" or, "we seem to have similar taste in music, what was the last concert you went to" or even at a push "I thought your profile was quite entertaining, let me know if you'd like to chat". I keep my instant messaging firmly OFF and only exchange messages through the site until I've decided the guy is not sex mad/crazy/stalker/scammer etc. Sometimes I'll move on to email before a first date, sometimes not.

Oh, and bizarrely the two men in Edinburgh lived only a mile away from each other! [hshock]

Are you all saying I'm going wrong by sending unsolicited pictures of my genitals? Is that a faux pas in some way?

Oh, there was another one in Glasgow (the Frenchman) who still lived with his ex-wife - clearly issues there he still needed to sort out before he was ready to date!

Ha - I prefer it when men send me unsolicited photos of coffee machines or baked goods!