The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Cobwebs, Brushing Up The Leaves, Whilst Travelling On The Battle Bus, To Our Own Sobrieties.

[Mouseface]

Hello I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, aka Gerald. It's a lovely place for drinkers, non-drinkers, wobblers and thinkers...... we're a really mixed bunch who all have one thing in common, alcohol.

Whether that be past or present, it can always be our future due to the nature of the beast.

Everyone can join this thread, the support is unconditional. And it is here for anyone who wants it, now or in a little while, there's always a spare seat or three!

Why not take a look at the journeys so far at the link below, it'll take you back through the last two (plus) years, and also I've posted a link to the very first thread....... the reason that we are all on the Bus in the first place

PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

kotinka said>>
I've noticed you've started to let booze creep back into your life.

what?? I was surprised to read this, as I thought I'd been so good lately, sticking to once a week only! and I'm so proud of getting through THREE evenings with my in-laws without drinking anything.

I have to admit, when I read that I had a 'fuck it' moment. I know you didn't mean it to come across like that, and unfortunately I was literally on the way out of the door so couldn't reply. But part of me was thinking, well if I haven't achieved anything well fuck the Bus etc (sorry)

Luckily the bar wasn't open when we got there, and eventually I calmed down (interesting to think how a 'Fuck It' moment from a well-meaning friend can trigger the urge huh?) I managed not to have anything till after DDs act - and really it wasn't that hard.

oh - and out of 9 acts, DD won 2nd prize. Considering she was the youngest, least experienced etc and ALL of the others (well, most - bar that kid trying to play the clarinet) were very talented, she did incredibly well and we are so proud.

And she has plans to spend her prize money in Claires accessories.

Hi all - sat in bed doing xmas shopping on internet and decided to check in before sleep.

Leucan, your post rings so many bells with me - I was another child bookworm who turned into a party animal at 16 sometime after meeting Mr Cider & Black. And I have a long list of demons that are waiting to get me now I am not hiding from them in the bottom of a glass. Tried a mindfulness meditation mp3 to get to sleep last night and all these memories I thought I had buried swam right back up at me, it was almost trippy. (tripping sober - who knew?) Not in a good way though. I know I have such a lot to face - I expect why AA must get sponsors and do the 12 steps or why rich addicts go to therapists - but I need to take it bit by bit. And I need to do it alone due to ridiculously busy life (full-on job, kids with 6 day a week hobbies and volunteering and school stuff etc.) Plus critical and unhelpful other half

Thing is I have not told anyone apart from you babes that I am stopping drinking. I think it's because I still see myself as someone with a big embarrassing drink problem and to admit it to others would just cause more stress. I would be imagining them all hating me for the admission and calling me a crap mum / terrible unprofessional colleague etc. And then I would just want to drink from worrying about what they were saying. As you can see I have some paranoia issues - probably from drinking.

Another complication is that my dh and the nasty in-laws would also use any sort of admission against me if we ever have a row, and would take it as evidence I am a bad mum (pots and kettles in the in-laws cases, mil has been told by a doctor to stop drinking after jaundice set in and sil is a mean as a snake drunk - though dh isn't much of a drinker himself any more. Maybe watching me has put him off ).

Anyway, good to see everyone is doing OK. Soma - dd had a heart op some years ago now and is totally fine, it's just that reading about Nemo brought it all back, and made me feel so worried for Mouse.

Mouse you seem an utter tower of strength, and am so happy your little man is on the mend - he is lucky to have you as a mum to watch over him, bet he adores you

Joey well done on tonight, and how fantastic did dd do? She sounds amazing, bet you were so proud tonight. Those are the moments to enjoy in life aren't they?

Oh, and to whoever advised me to get some B Vitamins - bought them today, thank you. I do feel looked after here - reminds me of mum writing to me at Uni with a £5 in the envelope and a PS saying buy FRUIT (underlined 3 times to mean fruit and not cigarettes and cider). Didn't listen then, but listening - and trying - now.

Night night lovely peeps. xxxxx

Good morning! I'll read back in a minute, but Kotinka for what it's worth, I think it's impossible to get it 'right' on a thread like this one. As in - there's no way you'll know whether someone needs a hug or a kick up the arse at any one point - and they may not know until they read it and think, actually, I needed to hear that. And sometimes it will be the wrong thing. So given we're all blundering to a certain extent, I think it's much better we all blunder honestly, so then at least we know whatever is said is said with good intent.

Read back a bit!

Alias - oh well done all round! Your DD for 2nd prize (and so young!), and you for being annoyed, talking yourself round, sticking to your plan, and doing what you promised yourself you'd do. Someone mentioned you gave up for 6 weeks previously - did you notice any effect on your anxiety levels then?

Baby - you say you drank the night before last - that 7 o'clock feeling! Well, babysteps an' all, but the other day you first came on here and said you had a problem. Yesterday you said out loud when the problem hit. You're obviously thinking a bit more about when/why, and the more of an urge you get to explore your own behaviour the more likely you are to be able to change it. So that's good! The advice is to get up and do something when you feel the urge hit - now I struggled with that, because I would wait until the urge hit and THEN think, 'oh, I'd better get up and hoover, or do the washing up, or something'. And that wasn't such an alluring prospect compared to sitting comfortably on the sofa getting wasted. So I try and start doing something interesting before the urge hits. How did you get on last night?

Purple, I can't put my finger on it, but there's something about that last long post of yours that's really soothing and reassuring. I think it may be your acknowledgement of trouble, without trouble taking the main role, iyswim.

Mouse, hope you and Nemo had a better night last night?

Looking, seems to be a common theme - having to start dealing with life, not running away, which frankly, I think I have been.

Yesterday afternoon, the Official loveliest lady in the world popped round to see me, and said (here we go again) how awful I looked. . I slept extraordinarily badly last night, but I'm still on Day 7!

Kot agree totally with Leucan- please keep being honest. Joey's response was only being honest too and not really directed at you. I've taken the hump before and flounced off and then realised that most everything that's said here is meant well. Joey you must be so proud of DD. Apart from her having a lovely voice, it's great that she likes to perform (or does she get really nervous?)

Hope it does seem that for those of us who discovered alcohol as young teens, it was the confidence it gave us that was a major factor in its allure. Had a vivid dream about drinking on public transport last night and desperately trying to finish the bottle before I got off the train. Mouse how is Nemo today? Have a non-alcohol related question. Does anyone use their phones instead of a camera for taking "serious" pictures? I'm debating whether to get a new camera or a new phone for taking snaps of nature and buildings etc.

the honesty on here can hurt but the love on here always heals.
Stick with it girls

Soma - I bought and HTC one S and the pictures it takes are way better then any of our cameras. But then I am not using it for anything but snaps of the kids.

And Kotinka - just make sure you have the manual for your oven handy. When it happened to me the guy who came out said an element was too expensive to get and it would be cheaper to buy a new oven from one particular shop, presumably one he got commission from. So I didn't bother. If you have a manual you can check it out on the internet first and call their bluff. I had lost my manual when the grill element went, so now have to make cheese on toast by melting cheese in the microwave and spreading it on top! Not really as nice!

That's so sad about your family Kot. What's your relationship with them like now? And thanks for advice about phones - I thought I'd try a Nokia Lumia because it has a 8 megapixel camera. Where can we see more pictures of your art BTW?

Hope, that's settled it, I'll get a phone, thanks.

On the strength of that wonderful picture you showed us recently you most certainly shouldn't be shy Kot.

kotinka please don't stop posting as you see it! first, it does keep me on my toes and think about it

second, learning to deal with comments and not flounce/chuck in the towel is part of life.

you are right I have been dwelling on the drinking or not, but I feel like it's getting easier and I'm sticking to The Plan.

[ warning - navel-gazing post, please feel free to ignore ]

So I feel shit today, really miserable. Upset, tearful. And in line with my new resolution to deal with things rather than running out for a bottle, I made myself think about why.

Why - because last night my exP and I had another upsetting email exchange. Without fail, if he doesn't get the answer he wants he flips into attack (you're not being honest, you're stringing me along, you've done a right job on me, etc etc). I'm so very tired of defending myself and being accused of insincerity all the time.

What did I do - tried not to blast back and offered a compromise.

Why does that upset me today - because it's the same old pattern - he wants, I demur, he gets nasty, I give in, he learns YET AGAIN that attacking works.

So I feel miserable because I haven't learnt, because he hasn't learnt, because we're still in the same old cycle of rubbish.

So what am I going to do about it - next time, I will say 'I'm not going to discuss anything if you attack me. We'll try again tomorrow. Goodbye.' and I will Bloody Well Stick To It.

And breathe. Sorry, everyone, as you were - it just helps thinking aloud .

leucan it is very very hard to change a negative pattern in a relationship. I go with tiny tiny victories and they maight seem stupid to others. i started with " I am not moving that dirty t-shirt and putting it in the wash for you* and steeling myself not to give in and do it for the sake of peace.
I now hear my own voice saying, (in responsce to the "you should do it that way, or this way, or why did you do such and such") " i did it that way because it suited me better, because I wanted to, because it was me that was doing it and not you" etc. It is about finally finding a place to stand and starting to make the very smallest changes until you can work up to the big ones. Your strategy for next time is very good "say it calmly and clearly" then hang up and do not phone him back, or answer the phone, or email. Keeping very calm and refusing to be drawn into the pattern is definitley the key. it gives you an internal "hurray! Look what i did!" and it pisses the hell out of the person trying to control you.
You did very very well not to head for a bottle - see, you can change things!!

Morning everyone, I was doing ok last night til a friend popped in unexpectedly with a bottle of wine, you know the rest!! leucan thank you for looking out for me, I've been thinking about your comments and your so right, I control my own destiny and I have to plan a life without wine so tomorrow night I am going to go to the gym at 6 as they have a creche from 6-8 for baby dd, thats tires her out and fills my time, it's hard for me to respond to everyone cos I'm using an IPhone but big hugs to all x x x

Morning, tis me, Mouse

LONG POST ALERT!

Joey and Koti - the honesty on here can hurt but the love on here always heals. Stick with it girls - bang on as usual lovely Ma xx

The truth about being an addict, and in this case drinking, is that you will lie about it more often than not to cover up just how much you are consuming. Whether you lie to us, your family or yourself is irrelevant. It's better to just get it out. If you let the Booze Beast lie, you give it POWER The more you try to hide him, the bigger he get's because he's stronger and tougher than you are, unless you acknowledge that he's there.

Stick a giant label on his head, put a neon sign above him so you can see him sneaking around in your head, show him up, embarrass him, not yourself.

Honesty really is the only way that you will beat the bastard. I know it is for me anyway.

Joey - my gut reaction would have been the same not that long ago but that's all it was; a 'gut reaction' because you are not that drinker anymore are you? And a HUGE well done to DD xx

It's great that Koti spoke out about how she felt when reading your posts, it really is. Most people have Elephants In The Room, we have a Booze Beast !

Koti - if honesty works for you then carry on, please carry on. This Bus has always been about honesty right from the start. If you read back over the older threads, you'll see that there are posters who suddenly post "well, I've not been very honest and it's about time I let it all out" etc................

Also, what are these pictures I am reading about? What did I miss? I'm a huge art fan and love drawing, sketching etc....... xx

Hope - I'm sorry that my posts about Nemo brought your own frightening experiences back to you, but I'm so pleased that your DD is fine now xx. Nemo had emergency open heart surgery at 6 month's old, following a routine appt. Thank Jeff we went. There were many complications post surgery then too, in fact, each time that he has had surgery, he has been admitted to PICU. I'm thinking of getting a season ticket!

Re your drinking and demons, they will eventually lose the power they hold/held over you..... alcohol can fuel so many 'things' in your life, it can change you, send you in a direction you never thought you'd go, it can make you put your or others life/lives at risk, it can put you into places that only fools would willingly walk into.

Purple - Leaving Nemo in PICU was the easy bit as he had 1 - 1 care 24/7. Plus they are very keen for parents to care for their children as much as possible (eye care, mouth care and feeds etc) so that the parents feel they can still help and have a sense of duty if that makes sense?

I do know that some parents abuse PICU however, and have used them as a 'baby sitting service' and gone out into town before going back to the parent accommodation to sleep it off.

I struggled to leave the floor that he was on never mind the bloody hospital!

Leucan - so it's been a week, and sleep is still tough? How would you feel about taking a herbal sleeping pill for a few nights, just to get your body into a pattern of sleep again? Or trying a little bit of gentle exercise before bed, like yoga? Or a warm bath, PJs, bed and a good book? That worked wonders for me at the start.

Soma - my camera has a 5mg pixel camera and is awesome, I have taken some of the best pictures on it ever so go for it, the Lumia has had some great reviews camera wise, mine's a Samsung Galaxy and I love it but might try the Lumia next time. How's June? I think about her all of the time, especially when Nemo is ill xx

Baby - how are you feeling today?

Ma - is the house filled with noise and madness again? How are things with DH and your brother? How is he doing? Have I missed anything, I'm sorry if so. xx

Last night was the hardest yet, Nemo woke every hour or two and I spent the night trying to distract him with stories, a little bit of feed and some meds, a few quiet games and reassuring him that he was safe but he was adamant he didn't want to eat because he knew it would make him sick and it did. I got stuck in bed with the pain last night but when I went to the GP last week, he referred me to OT so hopefully, they'll come and assess my home to see what they can do to help if anything.

Today I will be doing plenty of washing!

He's lost his first feed again this morning so I'm having to give him little and often. I just want him to rest and get better slowly. His cough was bad last night too so docs it is tomorrow, plus I have his statement paperwork to sort out and send back....

Must dash, I started this at 11.20am and now it's 12pm!!!!

Stay Brave Babes xx

Thank you, ladies, I just cried a bit .

Trouble is, it descended into a very nasty relationship. He swore, shouted, criticised, hated, snapped, and finally shoved. I used to dread going home because I didn't know what mood he'd be in. I used to dread him coming in because I didn't know what would have pissed him off when he was out. He wouldn't cuddle, just grope. He would get pissed and go on and on and on with the spiteful comments about my previous life, about all the things that were wrong with me.

Finally the police came and escorted him away. Now, I want some time out. I want to get off the booze, sort my life out (hah!), remember how to be a normal person and how a normal relationship works. I want him to do the same (he's having counseling). And at some point in the future, when we both think we've made changes, we can meet up and see how it goes.

But he wants to meet now, to talk now, for me to join him now - the emails are incessant. The 'phone used to be, until I unplugged it. His counselor told him to do no contact for his own sake for a while. He didn't. I just need a break. Last night went sour because when he emailed I reminded him of what his counselor said about no contact - hence the 'you don't care, you're stringing me along' bollocks.

Sigh.

HOWEVER. I am not going to have a drink today, nor am I going to have a cigarette. I AM going to light the fire early, and buy a bucketload of stinky cheese.

How about the moon on a stick, Kotinka - I do not know how to, and am not about to make myself feel stupid by failing to, do anything with email other than open, read, respond, delete. Besides, I'd know they were there. Besides, this is about him doing what he needs to, not me pretending I can't see when he doesn't.

Garn. I'm off out for cheese. Thank you. x