The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Cobwebs, Brushing Up The Leaves, Whilst Travelling On The Battle Bus, To Our Own Sobrieties.

[Mouseface]

Hello I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, aka Gerald. It's a lovely place for drinkers, non-drinkers, wobblers and thinkers...... we're a really mixed bunch who all have one thing in common, alcohol.

Whether that be past or present, it can always be our future due to the nature of the beast.

Everyone can join this thread, the support is unconditional. And it is here for anyone who wants it, now or in a little while, there's always a spare seat or three!

Why not take a look at the journeys so far at the link below, it'll take you back through the last two (plus) years, and also I've posted a link to the very first thread....... the reason that we are all on the Bus in the first place

PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

mouse you are an amazing parent and human being, with all that's going on you still have time to think about all of us, you are a wonderful human being!!!!! leucan Im so sorry you are having such a hard time, it doesn't sound like your ex is a very nice man!!! I think you should go for a facial, maybe a manicure even a spray tan just to help you feel and look better, 7 days without booze is amazing, you will defo feel much better very soon, how much did you drink before, just so I know what to expect!! Stay strong everyone xxx

Hi to purple I didn't know much about you but reading through your last message, I'm really inspired by your success!!! I am on anti depressants and yet still drink wine, I'm told the pills don't work with alcohol counter balancing them so it should be a no brainer that I not drink but I still do, what prompted you to stop, what were you drinking before? It really helps me when I hear that life without wine can actually be better, feeling hungover, sweaty and tearful, I feel I'm letting my kids down, if I didn't drink so much I'd be full of energy, instead I just feel shit, house is a tip and I just want to run away !!!

Hello lovelies

No more shilly-shallying - I realise I can't moderate. I've been drinking on anti-depressants and huge holes have started appearing in my evenings in which I interact with other human beings, pay for meals, buy more drinks and so on. They scare me.

I'm cancelling a night out next week because staying straight is more important than being sociable at the mo.

Love to all of you. Mouse I hope OT get in touch with you soon and Nemo starts to feel a bit less poorly.

hi all
mouse thank you for asking about my bro. he is going to AA twice a week, has got a job working evenings to ward off the danger time and has just moved into a flat with a former colleague. All good so far - he hasnt had a drink for two weeks... here's hoping he sticks at it this time.
leucan every time he gets in touch repeat in your head "stay. strong, stay calm". Recognise the triggers and baits that lure you into old patterns and into his control and dont rise to them. Walk away every time, close the conversation politely but firmly, delete the email. You are strong, you are calm. You can and will do this. Every time you manage to do this, you move one step away from being under someone's control and becoming the person you want to be.
I am on this road and it works. hence the fact I have had a whole weekend to myself because I refused all the pressure and baits to get me to go with him. I said i would prefer to stay at home, thank you.
It isn't easy but is so worth it for the secret smile you have when you gain just a tiny bit of ground.

Leucan - good plan. Don't get drawn into his mind fuckery, you're worth more than that which is why he's your ex. I agree with Ma (again!), stay calm, talk quietly to him when you have to, not 'at' him, just make your point and leave it at that. He wants to rattle your cage, he wants to get his own way because he's pathetic and you will be taking that control away from him, one bit at a time. I was in a very abuse (sexual, physical, emotional) relationship for a couple of years and know how hard it can be to not get drawn in because on some level, you just want it all to go away but on another, you don't want to run away? Does that make sense?

Can I ask why you are still in contact? Do you have DCs together?

Well done on not letting him turn your night into a 'FUCK IT!' night, that took HUGE strength! And now you're off out for cheese? A girl after my very own furry little heart xx

Baby - x posted. How do you feel about the fact that you shared the wine with your friend? I like your plan for later, as I said up there ^ exercise helped me (albeit very gentle and slow!)

WRT the how much did people drink before stopping, I was up to almost 90 units a week, I know you didn't ask me, thought I'd tell you anyway but when I first got on the Bus I was certain that I didn't want to stop drinking. Absolutely sure that I just wanted to cut down so I did, bit by bit. Then I fell off the Bus on a few occasions in spectacular fashion, a real arse over tit fall, face first into the bathroom floor once, a door frame the next, even up the stairs. I got really good at acquiring a lovely collection of bruises

The reason I got on the Bus was because DH had 'caught' me lifting Nemo out of his cot off my face, after he'd sent me to bed because I was in such a state. I went ballistic at him for telling me to leave my son alone, for taking him out of my arms, screaming in his face to give him back to me, even shoving him.....

Luckily, DD was at her friend's house that night but I've been pissed when her friends have been here and they've seen me. again.

Back in a mo....... phone call..............

This amazing journey forced me look at why I drink so much and my conclusion is boredom and frustration, I love my dd's but being a stay at home mum is a mundane and thankless task. My dd's are 13 and 2, yip that's a gap alright!! so i have a temperamental teenager and a very very lively toddler and at the ripe old age of 41 I'm knackered. I know my health will improve when I kick the wine but it has become like a crutch, makes everything warm and fuzzy for a while at least, it's likes a lovely friend that makes you feel great about yourself then treats you like shit all the next day!! I look terrible,
I'm overweight and feel laden down with guilt, it's suffocating me and making me want to drink even more, like a method of self destruct, I just to be rid of it x x x

Hi Baby. Thanks for your kind words. It's funny you should ask about what prompted me to stop because I've been thinking about that 'stuff' a lot today. This time six weeks ago (my DC are at their Dad's every other weekend) I stayed in bed all weekend - apart from getting up to nip to the corner shop for more, outrageously overpriced, wine - hoping the shopkeeper wouldn't notice I hadn't bothered to have a shower - and also that, the second visit, it was the shopkeeper's wife's turn to be in the shop so as they wouldn't realise I had already been before that day. Having said that, the need for wine was greater than the shame. .

Later, I was awake in the early hours (2 am! That's what alcohol does to my sleep pattern) and was watching "999 What's your emergency". An alcoholic man had called the ambulance from his home as he had fallen off the wagon and was in the worst state. His words, when they got to him, of hopelessness, helplessness, shame, guilt, loneliness, anger and sheer terror of what he was doing to himself were exactly the feelings I was going through, right then, glass of wine in hand, tears rolling down my face. (Also had really bad heart palpitations which made me think I'd damaged my heart) The care and sympathy he was given by the ambulance crew and hospital staff - with no hint of condescension or finger-wagging - convinced me to 'phone my doctor first thing in the morning and get an emergency appointment. I told her everything. It wasn't easy being so honest but I had got to a point where I knew I needed help and couldn't do it by myself. I'm on Campral atm plus high strength vitamin B.

feeling hungover, sweaty and tearful, I feel I'm letting my kids down, if I didn't drink so much I'd be full of energy, instead I just feel shit, house is a tip and I just want to run away !!! I could have and probably did write those words exactly.

Today, I got up after a bit of a lie in and went to the gym! The house is clean, uniforms done and even some baking has been attempted!! If you had told me, 6 weeks ago, that I would be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed you. I'm still on my guard and I won't get complacent because, for me, that way lies failure. I still have 'wobbles' but they are getting fewer.

And have also been where you are Sunny - and huge holes have started appearing in my evenings in which I interact with other human beings, pay for meals, buy more drinks and so on. They scare me. Phone calls with friends, forgetting to let the dog out last thing, last minute rush to get DC uniforms ready Sun night/Mon morning, forgotten to cleans teeth as have 'fallen asleep', e-mails sent which shouldn't have been - and on it goes.

Good luck to you both, keep posting as this site is full of people who know where you are right now, won't judge and can offer words of help and understanding, support. Hugs xx

(PS At least 2 + bottles a day . Ended up buying boxes as then I didn't have to do the 'Walk Of Shame' to the bottle bank all the time. )

Brave Mouse! Thanks for sharing. I was at a party with DS1, who was about 4 months old. I went to sit on a chair but missed and, literally, fell on my arse. I held on to him and he was fine but I was soooo ashamed. Luckily, just about everyone there was pissed too and just laughed but ExP was driving and therefore totally sober. Took DS off me and didn't talk to me for a long time.

I am also deeply ashamed to admit I don't shower as much as I should and wash my hair, i used to have pride in my appearance and
I have really let myself go, I alternate the shops I go to to cover my gluttonis tracks, some nights I pour the wine into a cup so
I can pretend to my family it's green tea, it's so lame, I never ever said this to another soul xxx

Hello Sunny, nice to see you on the Bus xx Here's to a day of not drinking.

Ma - the words you have posted to Leucan are finally the words that you are telling yourself, I can hear the stronger you in what you've put up there. I can hear the real you starting to let the mask/secret smile really adhere to the face underneath it, you're getting more comfortable wearing it to get through what you need to. I loving the Ma I am reading about today

How is DD getting on with the singing btw?

Purple - your posts are fantastic. Let. It. Out. Keep going, all of you/us, we need to. It's such a relief to let it out and share how you're feeling, knowing that it's not just you........ you're not on your own every time you feel that you want to drink.

Right.

I need to go, my dozing Nemo is wide awake so I'm going to med him and play for a bit whilst he's feeling up to it. DD is a bit depressed so I'm keeping an eye on her, from a safe distance which is how she likes it.

DH is out with the wolf and the roast chicken is getting hotter in the oven ready for later.

Log burner is lit, and I am feeling better thanks to my own meds kicking in.

Lots of love to you all, keep going Brave, Brave Babes. You CAN stop drinking altogether if that's what you want but you won't do it until every single part of you, every skin cell, eyelash, freckle and fibre is ready.

Be back later,

Mouse xx

Yup Baby been there too. Friends would come over for coffee and I would wave the bottle of elderflower presse at them and ask if they wanted one. They would always say no. I would disappear into the kitchen and pour wine in my glass instead! Who knows if they were fooled or not - they never said. Worst embarrassment was being 'outed' by my ex MIL. When she was staying, (as well as the stash in my bedroom) I would buy two bottles, put one in the fridge door and hide the other under the lettuce in the salad draw. When topping up in company in the kitchen I would use the obvious bottle and, when on my own, my secret bottle. Unfortunately, she wasn't as thick as I had assumed and rumbled me (I was probably too pissed to be subtle about it anyway - oh, and her husband is an alcoholic so she's probably seen it all before). She is the most judgemental person in the entire world. I have never felt more like running away.

Baby None of my friends know either. I couldn't face the same. And.....if you need an incentive - I've lost 16lbs since I kicked the Wine Witch into touch. Feeling like the 'real me' is starting to re-emerge.

Thanks Mouse Enjoy your log burner and your chicken. xx

purple I can't believe it, i do the very same things, hide 1 in the veg rack an alternate them, it's sick sick sick, I don't know if dh knows, he is very laid back and knows how hard things have been with
The depression and stuff so he reckons this drinking pattern is only
a temporary thing but it's became all encompassing and it's ruining my life, I need to turn this around!!! Sorry to everyone for being so self indulgent. Me me me me, thanks for listening x x x x x

Stop that Baby! No apologies for being self-indulgent! (I have a wet fish and I'm not afraid to use it!!). You, you you is good. You are working through things and to put them down on 'paper' is a great way to start to order your thoughts and feelings. Carry on, it's good for you! Besides, isn't it good to know you aren't the only one hiding wine in weird places. I have worse more stories How about the fact I bought a rucksack sized handbag in order to sneak wine into (and the empties out of) the house unseen? xx

Baby, I was on about a bottle a night. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but not very often less. Probably about 70 units a week, without fail. For years.

Ma and Mouse - no DCs, still in contact because I want to work things out later on, I just want a gap first. I don't think he really understands that it's not just him who needs to work on his behaviour away from this dynamic, but that I need to work on what makes me such a doormat, away from this dynamic. Sorry to hear you both have first hand experience .

So, upsides and downsides today:

Up: (for Baby) my skin IS better, despite comments on my appearance . It's white with tinted pink bits, instead of yellow with tints of grey. My eyes are bluer and whiter, and my pores are disappearing. I don't know if I've lost weight because I have no scales, but I feel tauter and cleaner and better put together, iykwim.

Up: I have properly cleaned the kitchen so it sparkles. Which means I can cook. I found a reduced, free-range 2 kg chicken in the Co-op for just £4 so am having roast chicken tonight - the first meal I've made in weeks.

Down: you know what, aside from my miseryfest this morning, there aren't any downsides to anything today. I haven't said that for a very long time. And that, Baby, is what you have to look forward to - the same old shit is still there in your life, but it loses it's power to overrun your life in the same way. And I'm only 7 days in!

It fucks up your apostrophes, however . Sorry.

That's great Leucan, well done! x

babyjane you sound so low and lacking in self-esteem... alcohol is so evil for bringing us to this level...

would it help to talk to your DH, honestly you may find he already suspects and is relieved to hear you admit it and that you are doing something about it. You say 'I need to turn this around' - do you have a Plan? We often talk on the Bus about ODAAT - One Day At A Time - meaning, just say you won't drink Today, don't worry about tomorrow.

Alcohol is also a depressant, so that hasn't been helping! Have you seen a GP (sorry if you have already said) I think of it as though you have been through an illness, and you need some treats and love and warm blankets as you recover. Don't be too hard on yourself, you've had a lot to think about.

Hey Joey. How are you today? Well done to DD for last night. I couldn't even get on a stage, much less do anything good whilst I was up there! Just off to bake some mince pies. Stay warm, stay well. x

Hello ladies

Thanks for your kind words - I've been on this Bus before and know it's always populated with lovely people .

I still feel terrible after last night's wine, and have massive sweats for the first time in years. I'll be grateful to get over today and start properly fresh tomorrow.

For once, I couldn't give a damn about what DH is drinking and am focusing on what I need to do to stay sober and (mentally and physically) healthy. That's new for me, I've spent a lot of time deflecting my attention on to his drinking instead of my own.

Hugs to all xxx

Hi all.another one here who saw the 999 programme. That man could have been my brother. And how well did he look in the later shots?
Yes, mentally in my relationship I am much stronger and KNOW that one day I will be ready to face the world alone and on my terms. But I do need to beat the wine witch though, and am not really trying at the moment. I really really want to lose some weight among other things.
Anyone heard from silver recently?

Koti and Ma - it was an amazing and heart rending bit of the programme and yes, he looked so different in the 'after' interview. Watching that was, literally, a turning point for me. I tried, in those hazy, early days to see if I could get a message to him via the TV programme to let him know the impact his story had had on me - but couldn't.

Sunny the sweats are awful! Good luck with your efforts. x