just want it to stop hurting

[KurtWild]

Hi all..I said I'd come back with an update..my old thread is here www.mumsnet.com/.../a1548743-just-want-to-get-this-off-my-chest

It's not going to be a masterpiece, I'm sat here sobbing. He's done everything right by me and the babies, can't fault him at all re money and he visits one weekend a month and has been brilliant. I said in my old thread I barely recognised him as the man I fell in love with. Well a little time and space apart and that man seemed to be back. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me and what he was losing. And that he wanted me back and knew the changes he had to make, mostly curbing the nights out and to be in contact more..all of which he's done and we began planning christmas..

So why am I sat here sobbing? Last weekend was the best weekend we'd had in ages..and we had sex for the first time again in..well..ages and it was incredible. And when he left on monday morning it was with a kiss and a cuddle... And tonight he's sent me three epic texts that have broken my heart all over again. All of them stating how wonderful I am, how happy I've made him, no one will ever make him happier nor replace me in his heart, thanking me for everything I've given him..my time, my love, three perfect babies... But he wants the chance to fall in love all over again and not with me. And he won't be here for Christmas he'll be in America as he's been asked to do two months work there and has accepted..so we won't see him again now until the new year. Quote "I accepted because it's only one christmas and the babies are still small so it won't bother them.. I know you love me but the extra time apart will give you chance to move on.."
I can't believe I was such an idiot. I so wanted to believe he wanted us back, he made the changes willingly and I could feel him coming back to me. Now I'm on the floor again. I just want it to stop hurting. Please tell me it'll stop hurting.

Oh good on you kurt. What a knob weasel he sounds. Utterly manipulative and childish. I thought you were fab on your last thread and am still cheering for you now.
Your dcs are very lucky to have you.

Thanks julia (I've had a few lovely texts today telling me how much he enjoyed the night) and carly, it's so kind of you to say so. I was brought up in a family where kids came first, and that's how I run my life. My babies will always know I put them before anything else.

You go girl! He is so pathetic, I bet my life savings he didn't shag anyone...

And the fact that he has now "decided against" coming around on Wednesday proves that it was never about the children at all, but all about coming around and getting a kick and seeing how devastated he has made you - now it is clear you are not he doesn't want to come round.

This man is pathetic, nasty, cruel and spiteful. I hope you are starting to realise just how much better your life will be without him in it.

And I think the Hallowe'en party sounds like a marvellous idea! [hsmile]

Kurt, just a quick question- is your ex really, really thick?

I'm just thinking that he's coming across as a bit dense..

God, you're well rid. And back on the horse. Giddy up :o

I bet he didnt shag anyone, he's just trying to hurt you, good for you for not letting him (and for getting in there first!)

He's a dick

I agree - his latest squeeze is pure fantasy, he just made it up to try and make you jealous. shame it didn't work isn't it.

The man is a complete idiot - but then you knew that already. Good luck and lots of strength to you Kurt - not that you need it. I wish I had been half as strong as you have been.

I am too a long time lurker but your post made me write!

The chances of your ex going out on a Sunday night pulling a stunning girl and sleeping with her are slim if not down right fantasy. He is trying to hurt you back, that's what they do, he cant sit and watch you get on with your life without him where would the self gratification be in that?

Don't feel guilty for what you did this might be the one thing that helps you get over him.

Best of luck for the future you wont need it though you will go on stronger and wiser

You know, my best friend was in a very similar situation to yours with her first husband, right down to the verbal manipulation and godawful shagging texts. For a long time she wouldn't listen to any advice, wouldn't hear a bad word said against him. Even when he taunted her about shagging a woman half his age in the marital bed while my friend was away on business trying to keep a roof over their heads. All i could do was stand back and watch. He was extremely clever about it and made her absolutely believe it was really all her fault. Eventually she threw her arsehole out after he was fired from yet another job for turning up to sell posh cars stinking of stale booze (again). Anyway, she has now been happily married for 5 years to a gorgeous, respectful guy who dotes on her daughter, has a successful career and a lovely life (and the most beautiful house jealous) She really blossomed when she kicked the Fud into touch. He, on the other hand? Is a fat, bloated excuse for a man who looks a decade older than he is, lives in a poky flat with his 80 year old mother who irons his pants, spends his weekends getting blotto down the pub picking up random bits of skirt (because in all fairness, he can keep up the charm for say, 15 mins or so) and is still being fired from every job he lands. He's also totally lost the respect of his 11 year old daughter. He's a contemptible wanker.

I meant to add that my friend's ex-fud followed the same pattern you seem to be experiencing...that when she started enjoying life without him, he did his level best to bring her down at every opportunity, took delight in telling her about his conquests. Because he was outraged that she didn't collapse into a wailing heap without him, of course. Over time he learned that whatever he did, she just ignored, ignored, ignored and eventually he stopped bothering her. They now at least maintain a civil if not warm relationship for the sake of her daughter. Chin up and onwards, Kurt.

And i want to further add that Kurt, you are bloody awesome [hgrin]

You sound like a great mother - you have your children, your pride and a pretty good mum by all accounts - don't let him get over his guilt trip by using you. Good luck.

Hi all..thanks for your kindness.. been so busy today trying to get everything together for the party tomorrow! I know he's panicking, I know he's expecting I'll be hurt and distraught. But I'm not. I'm absolutely fine. And it feels really, really good.
You've all just been so brilliant and supportive, I feel like I have my own little fan club rooting for me. I can't thank you all enough for helping me find the strength to say enough is enough and mean it [hsmile]

thats the spirit!

its a rollercoaster for sure, and you are on an up bit (hazar!)

enjoy your party [hgrin]

Hi Kurt, I posted on your last thread, and have been thinking about you ever since as your posts really stuck with me. I was so sad for you and so shocked at your tosser husband's ludicrious behaviour. It staggers me even more what he has recently done, he is seriously into headfucks isnt he!
Don't ever allow him to make you think that you being with another man has ruined chances of being a happy family, I would bet a million gazillion dollars he is/was shagging around ages ago( sorry darling, I always thought that ever since I read your first post) and just wants to transfer some of the "blame" onto you so he can try to pretend it was something to do with you and not the truth...which is he is such a horribleman and a liar who has let his wife and 3 babies down so badly. YOU on the other hand, are just fabulous!!Go have fun, put things into place to completely exclude him from messing with your head, and you go girl!!!And keep in touch with that hottie, its great that you can have company, You may want it again,hehheeeee

Kurt I remember your other thread. He hasn't changed at all has he, it's still all about him. He is still as pathetic as before and we all know it was his actions that lead to him loosing his family. He even planned a re-run and thought you should stay home pining for him.

Meanwhile, you found some one thing much more diverting to do. Go Kurt.

Kurt and hot man, sitting in a tree
K.I.S.S.I.N.G

Hi all..thanks so much, your posts have made me smile [hsmile] News is he's telling me we have a future but I have to cut all contact with my 'hot guy'. He's convinced I did it to make him jealous. As always everything is about him. Well I didn't. I did it for me. For the first time in ages I actually wasn't thinking about him. He says he will change and things will be different but I've heard it all before now.
So many times your posts have said I deserve better and I've thought but what can be better than being with the man you love? Now I realize being with the man you love means nothing if the feeling isn't mutual.
Anyway, Halloween party to organise, kicks off at 4 so lots to do! Kurt Wild finally accepting her reality and embracing the future (with maybe a little nsa sex thrown in which was unexpected!! ) Happy Halloween all, and thanks again

Lots of conditions there Kurt, I wonder where he thinks he gets the right to put conditions on your relationship after all he has done to you and your family. Again, all about him. His over-inflated ego has taken a bruising, thats all. Tosser. Don't believe him about changing, he just wants to be back in the driving seat. He has hurt you very badly and treated you and the children in a very very callous way, dont forget that Kurt and if you waver, read your 2 original posts. Pretty sad reading. Have an AMAZING party, drink lots of bubbles and hope you invited hottie!!!

Hi all..just wanted to let you know the party went well, babies in bed now and a couple of friends still here to help me clear up. I wish you all could've been here for a spooky cupcake [hsmile], your beverage of choice and a big hug from me (and my babies who all had matching pumpkin outfits) and a big thank you for sticking this out with me

Oh Kurt, I'm delighted at your strength and confidence.

I think you're marvellous. :o

Just to add, your dignity is inspirational and I know that whatever happens moving forward, you'll be ok.

What a user. I feel for you. Wind you up, reel you in then push you away. Does he like behaving like this?

Hi all..well it's finally quiet and remarkably tidy but it's been a really good day and everyone has been brilliant. I can't thank the ladies of mumsnet enough for their lovely words. I won't lie, keeping my dignity hasn't been easy but I'm proud of the way I've handled his increasingly childish or selfish behavior.
I'm so sad for the loss of the man I loved, I still love that man dearly and when I catch glimpses of him, like recently, I ache for the life we had.
But it is over, despite his sudden turnaround, I've heard it all before. I had a call from him about half an hour ago telling me how miserable he is and that the girl he picked up the other night and gave me all the elaborate details of shagging never existed, he said it to hurt me and in realising it hasn't worked he fears he really has lost me. I should have been devastated. I wasn't. He says when he closes his eyes he keeps seeing 'his Kurt' with another man. I'm sure that does hurt, but he seems oblivious to the hurt he's caused me.
I hate to leave here again, it's been like chatting with old friends, but I don't think there's much more to add other than thank you all again so very much for your time, patience, understanding and just general support. I never really got the phrase 'the kindness of strangers' but now I understand it completely

Hiya Kurt, I was in your initial thread. Firstly, before he did the dirty on you it appears to me that you had made progress in getting on with your life and making the adjustment, take comfort in this, you are a survivor! I can see the distance from your first thread to now, even though you have had a setback I can see you had picked yourself up, you might not realise this. This latest epic piece of being a a complete bastard has caused you to faulter, but remember this is temporary, you have done it once you can do it again. Look forward, daydream about things you have to look forward to, a wonderful Christmas eve and day, imagine the exitement! photos, prezzies, visiting Santa, this will be all consuming, in these repects you are lucky! concentrate on you and the children, in time this episode will fade and the pain will diminish, remember, it's only temporary! take car and good luck

What a fool he has been!

Now, do not waver!
Don't play the game.
Polite, pleasant and brief.

Be happy!

Did you keep his texts? May I suggest you re-read them, noting particularly the bit where he says "the extra time apart will give you chance to move on". This is him giving you permission, in writing, to find a life without him. But as soon as you do that, whoa, he didn't mean move on now, he meant... er... does he actually have an explanation as to why he sent you not one but three texts, all saying it was over between you and he was going to go and look for love elsewhere? If he didn't mean it, like?

When he told you the overnight shag was made up (good call, those posters!) I do hope you replied coolly "I know". (Saying smugly "mine wasn't" would just be evil )