just want it to stop hurting

[KurtWild]

Hi all..I said I'd come back with an update..my old thread is here www.mumsnet.com/.../a1548743-just-want-to-get-this-off-my-chest

It's not going to be a masterpiece, I'm sat here sobbing. He's done everything right by me and the babies, can't fault him at all re money and he visits one weekend a month and has been brilliant. I said in my old thread I barely recognised him as the man I fell in love with. Well a little time and space apart and that man seemed to be back. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me and what he was losing. And that he wanted me back and knew the changes he had to make, mostly curbing the nights out and to be in contact more..all of which he's done and we began planning christmas..

So why am I sat here sobbing? Last weekend was the best weekend we'd had in ages..and we had sex for the first time again in..well..ages and it was incredible. And when he left on monday morning it was with a kiss and a cuddle... And tonight he's sent me three epic texts that have broken my heart all over again. All of them stating how wonderful I am, how happy I've made him, no one will ever make him happier nor replace me in his heart, thanking me for everything I've given him..my time, my love, three perfect babies... But he wants the chance to fall in love all over again and not with me. And he won't be here for Christmas he'll be in America as he's been asked to do two months work there and has accepted..so we won't see him again now until the new year. Quote "I accepted because it's only one christmas and the babies are still small so it won't bother them.. I know you love me but the extra time apart will give you chance to move on.."
I can't believe I was such an idiot. I so wanted to believe he wanted us back, he made the changes willingly and I could feel him coming back to me. Now I'm on the floor again. I just want it to stop hurting. Please tell me it'll stop hurting.

Yes I think if ever you are wavering, think of how he has treated his children. Your self esteem is (wrongly but understandably) at rock bottom ATM, but if he Evers tries to sweet talk you and worm his way back in, just remember how he has abandoned your kids over Xmas without even having the guts to tell them and say good bye. That would be the ultimate deal breaker for me! Do you want them to grow up witnessing you tolerating his shoddy behaviour towards them? Keep your resolve for the sake if your children, but there is no need to stay string once you are at your parents. Weep and cry and let them nurture you. You will get your strength back slowly with the people who truly love you around you. X

Easier said than done, I realise, but stop being and start getting . He's a horrible, cruel and contemptible human being so start treating him as such. Cut all contact, be totally unaccommodating, make plans for your and your DCs' lives that don't involve him so much as remotely and don't give him the opportunity to shit on you from a great height again.

Hi all..thanks so much for your comments. Well I got a few hours sleep and then he called at half eight. He says he didn't call to speak to me last night because he knew I'd be upset and didn't want to hear me cry but it needed to be said. He says he feels like an utter c%$t for doing this..and that he will be back on Wednesday to say goodbye to us and make sure I have money for a good Christmas.

He kept asking if I was OK and I kept saying I'm fine, thanks. I just wanted to cry and shout at him but it's a waste of breath so I was as calm and clipped as possible. After he hung up i let it out for a bit and now I'm getting myself and my little ones ready for the trip to my mum and dad's. De ja vous much.
I do need to get angry, it's bad enough that he's done this to me again but to not want to be home for the babies at Christmas is unforgivable. He still says we're the most important things in his life but he's proven once again that actually the most important person in his life is him. Thanks again everyone I hope you all have a lovely Saturday.

This is where you start.... He is NOT back on Wednesday. If he wants to send money, he does a bank transfer. If he wants to feel like an utter 'cunt', he can do it in his own time not mope about with his crocodile tears. If he cared about how you felt or you really were the most important things in his life he wouldn't have screwed you, used you and dumped you... twice!

You're quite right, he is so selfish that he is the most important person in his pathetic life. From now on you and the DCs are the most important people in yours. He is NOT back on Wednesday... your phone is off... you are out.... you are unavailable.... disengage, detach and reject.

What a using loser. I am sorry you are hurting again. Of course if you thought he was trying to fix things your instinct would be to embrace that for your DCs sake.

I absolutely agree with cogitoergosometimes. Coming over on Wednesday to give you money is just to ease his guilty conscience so he can walk away telling himself he did the right thing by you, leaving him free to do whatever he likes when he is away. I would be tempted to tell him to shove his money where the sun don't shine ... but that would be wrong. Yes, have him transfer the money by bank transfer, he doesn't need to see you to do that. Definitely make sure you are not available for him before he leaves, it won't make you feel better ... it will only make you feel worse for accomodating his needs again. What a pig. My stbxh is much the same so I feel for you x

Cogito you make perfect sense..I need to go back to how I was at the very beginning of the split. I prided myself on how dignified I was even though I was falling apart.
My mum has also said if we really were the most important things he'd never have done this in the first place, never have let the life he has working away come before us or let it change him.

So don't give him the satisfaction of 'Wednesday'. Let him go off knowing that he's not forgiven, not allowed to say goodbye and that you do not care that he allegedly feels bad. The DCs will neither know nor care that he has gone. If he wants to put on some big, self-indulgent act of remorse... let him prop up a bar somewhere and talk to the bottom of a pint glass like everyone else. You are not his wife, his mother, his confessor and you are emphatically not his friend.

Good luck

Thanks cogito.. that is exactly what I needed to remind me that I have no obligation to make him feel better. Part of me does worry that if I refuse him a visit he'll get to label me a bitch and he'll get to say 'I tried to do right by her but she threw it in my face..'
But he needs to know that throwing some money at it does not fix the hurt he's caused, spending an afternoon with the babies doesn't make it ok to not be here at Christmas. And he's most certainly not forgiven.

He'll be saying that anyway. When he's propping up that bar I guarantee he'll be churning out all the old favourites.... 'I was no angel but we were both to blame', 'I tried to make a go of it but we just drifted apart', 'I'd have liked us to be friends for the kids' sake', 'I did everything I could to make it work', 'I've done right by everyone but is she grateful?..no'. God help the next woman he meets because he'll bore her rigid at his personal pity party..!

You only win this one by going back to your dignified silence, communicating only for essentials and by making a new, better life for yourself where he is relegated to 'extra'. Your DCs don't need him there moping around at Christmas or taking advantage of an afternoon to reprise his poor me performance. They're better off without him and so are you.

Kurt, this is how I get myself in a pickle, but do you know what ... it doesn't matter what he calls you or what he thinks of you. His actions already show what he thinks of you and believe me, thinking badly of you would be no bad thing. He sounds like a selfish, spoiled brat of a man who is only interested in what makes him happy, or what makes him look good. So start thinking about what you want and stop giving him the power to make you question yourself. Ah, now if only I could take my own advice, he he

If he wants to say he feels like 'an utter cunt' I wouldn't be arguing with him. Wanker.

However, I'm not sure I agree with the others about not letting him say good bye to the children. I don't give a flying fuck how HE feels, but I think for the kids sake he should be made allowed to come and tell them that he's pissing off to fuck around working away. This is for the children not that cock lodger. I would make it very clear that you are letting him say good bye to his children for them and not for him and that you don't want to hear one single word about how he feels because you no longer give a flying fuck how he feels and he will never be forgiven - end of.

You need to get over worrying about what he will say about you, because if he's going to say shit like that he will say it no matter what you do. Live your life and don't give his 'opinion' another thought.

Kurt just read your first thread, now this one.

What a total and utter shit, to use a quote I've nicked from here id call him a cunt but he has neither the depth or warmth of one.

However you sound wonderful, it's clear that you are a great mum, with a great family (they too sound wonderful) and that is what your babies will remember. It comes across very clear that your first concern is your family and his is 'me me me me me'

To me it seems as though he just wanted to make sure that he still had a fall back plan, he saw you growing and living well without him and it scared him.

On Wednesday, I would pin him down to a time, and have my coat on as soon as he arrived, and leave him to deal with a slice of your life for an hour or three.

Chipping.. the reason I agreed to Wednesday was for the babies not for him and I've decided I won't stop him coming, it's about them..not how he feels or about how I feel. But I Wobt have him thinking he's spending the night, he can leave once they're settled.

This

He kept asking if I was OK

I honestly think he is getting off on traumatising you, it's like your emotional pain is fueling him somehow. He made sure that he firmly felt sure you were 'back' on his side and then drops a bomb on it.

Be ready for him to milk Wednesday for all it's worth, I would consider asking your Mum to sit with the children when he sees them. He has no reason to see you he has ended the relationship if he is insisting on seeing you then it says to me he wants to see how much pain you are in.

He sounds like a very cruel man (understatement) It takes a real cunt special personality to treat someone like that.

So sorry you are going through this Kurt

Your DCs are under 3? It's only October, Christmas is still 2 months away and they are not going to make any kind of connect between now and then, Dad being away or Dad not being away. If it's about them, there's an argument for keeping things normal and stable for the next few months - just you and the DCs - and he stays away. That will make them far less upset & confused than if he turns up and leaves again.

Should have added.... turning up made you think he was staying for good and you know how much it hurts now that he's walked. Restart regular contact when he's back in the country more permanently.

Smellslike.. perhaps it did scare him seeing me looking good and being strong, getting a new friend, a male one at that. He's certainly brought me down again now. My babies are my entire world, and he was too. No one could blame me for wanting my family back together could they.. I feel such a fool.
My train is due in five minutes so I can't guarantee I'll be able to post for the next couple of hours. I hope you all have a good afternoon and thanks

"But he wants the chance to fall in love all over again and not with me."

Never has a man more urgently needed a kick in the knackers.

He's right about being a cunt though.

Frightening is right - he enjoys traumatising you.

You need to cut all contact with him. Don't let him into your home.

If he sees the children he can do that elsewhere and someone else can do handover.

Ask your Mum to do whatever communication is necessary from now on.

You need to keep yourself safe from this horrible, horrible man.

How are you doing love?

Been thinking of y'all today...

It seems he likes to hurt you.
Some men do.
The power I guess.
I think you need to start communicating through solicitors and start divorce proceedings. Sort the money out. ASAP.
Seriously.
He will try and do this again.
And again.
Don't let him.
Get in with your life and find someone worthy of your love and worthy to be part of your family x

Yes.this.profoundly.inadequate.dickhead.is.hurting.youON.PURPOSE.
Because.he.gets.a.real.thrill.from.the.idea.of.women.being.madly.in.love.with.him.but.unable.to.have.him,so.he's.going.to.keep.on.waving.his.willy,at.you.then.snatching.it.away.
THe.only.way.to.deal.with.this.type.of.bellend.is.to.treat.him.with.polite,mildly.amused.disdain.

How are you today Kurt?

How will it make you feel to see him on Wed?

If you think it will upset you all the more (it would me) then you really should ask your mum to be there for his visit instead of you.

Yes, he should be able to see DCs (more on principle really, because they are so little I doubt if it makes much difference to them at all), but if it's going to leave you upset then you are the one doing all the amazing hard work of bringing up your DCs and as such you should take priority.

I too think he must be getting some pleasure out of doing this to you again, perhaps the pleasure of control? Or ego?

He should feel truly ashamed, what a pathetic, weak, inadequate excuse for a decent human being.

You on the other hand sound such a well-balanced, intelligent and together person you deserve someone much much better than him anyway and I'm sure you will meet that better person in time.

Hi Kurt
I've often wondered how you were getting on. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Yes, he's a fucking Shithead but please don't make it all about him. This is hard but it is your chance to recover, get strong again and focus on your babies in the mean time.

You won't get that if he's still dipping into your life. Can you arrange that he has the children when you're not there? I can't stress enough how much faster you'll heal if you don't see him.

You will get through this. It will take time but day by day you will get over it.

And then you'll realise your life is glorious without him.

Much love and my heart aches for you xxx